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horseback
01-24-2004, 12:08 PM
MEN ARE FROM MARS. WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. COMPUTERS ARE FROM HELL

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors. - From the Jargon File.

Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.

Stolen from the Aircraft Resource Center, where I get a lot of my best stuff.

Cheers

horseback

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."


"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." - Joseph Campbell

"To go forward, you must backup." - Cardinal rule of computing.

"If it wasn't backed-up, then it wasn't important." - The sysadmin's moto.

"RAM /abr./: Rarely Adequate Memory."

"The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron."

"All computers wait at the same speed."

"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Ratcliffe.

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand"

"The problem with computers is they do what you tell them." - Attribution unknown.

"Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions." - Laurent Gasser.

"Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women." - Lord Kelvin.

"586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It can't be done; it's a hardware problem."

1.When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2.When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

4.When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5.For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6.To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7.He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

9.A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10.The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11.A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. Murphy's Laws of Computing.

Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

"Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !" - Andrew Rutherford.

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't."

"If a program is useful, it will have to be changed... ...If a program is useless, it will have to be documented"

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." - **** Brandon.

"Perfection is achieved not when you have nothing more to add, but when you have nothing left to take away." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !"

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken."

"Use the source, Luke..."

"The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time... ...The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time." - Tom Cargill.

"Programming is an art form that fights back."

"Data expands to fill the space available for storage" - Parkinson's Law of Data.

"Whenever you think you have a clever programming trick... forget it !" - My boss.

"Your program is sick ! Shoot it and put it out of its memory."

"You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." - Computer analyst to programmer

"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong." - Norm Schryer

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

"The definition of a hacker ? Someone who, after installing a new program, goes immediately into the [Tools][Options] menu." - Me.

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook.

"Premature optimization is the root of all evil."

"Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence."

"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." - Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

"Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable." - Ralph Johnson.

"Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software."

"UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus." - Peter H. Coffin

"Linux is only free if your time is worthless." - Anonymous.

"3 Biggest Software Lies:
* The program's fully tested and bug-free.
* We're working on the documentation.
* Of course we can modify it."

"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."

"Some languages are designed to solve a problem. Others are designed to prove a point." - Bell Labs saying.

"If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in."

"Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."

"The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in."


"Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code." - Christopher Thompson.

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Programming is like sex: one mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime." - Michael Sinz

"There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works." - Alan J. Perlis.

"As an ultimate incentive to solve the millennium bug computer problem, China has ordered its airline executives to take a flight on January 1, 2000." - The Financial Times.

"Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface."

"I have NOT lost my mind - I have it backed up on tape somewhere."

"Those who can't write programs, write help files."

"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more user-friendly... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover." - Bill Gates.

"ASCII and ye shall receive."

"The only truly secure computer is one buried in concrete, with the power turned off and the network cable cut."

"Ever notice how fast Windows runs ? - Neither did I."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." - Bumper sticker.

"If you don't know where you want to go, we will make sure you get there." - Microsoft slogan translated in Japanese.

"In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates ?" - Dino Esposito.

"Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight." - Bill Gates.

"...the best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the ComputerScience Center and fished out listings of their operating system." - Bill Gates.

"Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization." - Jon Bentley.

"Windows: Just another pain in the glass."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"Here's your new Mustangs, boys. You can learn to fly'em on the way to the target. Cheers!" -LTCOL Don Blakeslee, 4th FG CO, February 27th, 1944

horseback
01-24-2004, 12:08 PM
MEN ARE FROM MARS. WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. COMPUTERS ARE FROM HELL

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors. - From the Jargon File.

Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.

Stolen from the Aircraft Resource Center, where I get a lot of my best stuff.

Cheers

horseback

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."


"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." - Joseph Campbell

"To go forward, you must backup." - Cardinal rule of computing.

"If it wasn't backed-up, then it wasn't important." - The sysadmin's moto.

"RAM /abr./: Rarely Adequate Memory."

"The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron."

"All computers wait at the same speed."

"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Ratcliffe.

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand"

"The problem with computers is they do what you tell them." - Attribution unknown.

"Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions." - Laurent Gasser.

"Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women." - Lord Kelvin.

"586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It can't be done; it's a hardware problem."

1.When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2.When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

4.When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5.For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6.To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7.He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

9.A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10.The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11.A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. Murphy's Laws of Computing.

Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

"Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !" - Andrew Rutherford.

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't."

"If a program is useful, it will have to be changed... ...If a program is useless, it will have to be documented"

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." - **** Brandon.

"Perfection is achieved not when you have nothing more to add, but when you have nothing left to take away." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !"

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken."

"Use the source, Luke..."

"The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time... ...The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time." - Tom Cargill.

"Programming is an art form that fights back."

"Data expands to fill the space available for storage" - Parkinson's Law of Data.

"Whenever you think you have a clever programming trick... forget it !" - My boss.

"Your program is sick ! Shoot it and put it out of its memory."

"You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." - Computer analyst to programmer

"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong." - Norm Schryer

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

"The definition of a hacker ? Someone who, after installing a new program, goes immediately into the [Tools][Options] menu." - Me.

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook.

"Premature optimization is the root of all evil."

"Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence."

"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." - Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

"Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable." - Ralph Johnson.

"Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software."

"UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus." - Peter H. Coffin

"Linux is only free if your time is worthless." - Anonymous.

"3 Biggest Software Lies:
* The program's fully tested and bug-free.
* We're working on the documentation.
* Of course we can modify it."

"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."

"Some languages are designed to solve a problem. Others are designed to prove a point." - Bell Labs saying.

"If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in."

"Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."

"The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in."


"Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code." - Christopher Thompson.

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Programming is like sex: one mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime." - Michael Sinz

"There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works." - Alan J. Perlis.

"As an ultimate incentive to solve the millennium bug computer problem, China has ordered its airline executives to take a flight on January 1, 2000." - The Financial Times.

"Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface."

"I have NOT lost my mind - I have it backed up on tape somewhere."

"Those who can't write programs, write help files."

"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more user-friendly... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover." - Bill Gates.

"ASCII and ye shall receive."

"The only truly secure computer is one buried in concrete, with the power turned off and the network cable cut."

"Ever notice how fast Windows runs ? - Neither did I."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." - Bumper sticker.

"If you don't know where you want to go, we will make sure you get there." - Microsoft slogan translated in Japanese.

"In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates ?" - Dino Esposito.

"Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight." - Bill Gates.

"...the best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the ComputerScience Center and fished out listings of their operating system." - Bill Gates.

"Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization." - Jon Bentley.

"Windows: Just another pain in the glass."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"Here's your new Mustangs, boys. You can learn to fly'em on the way to the target. Cheers!" -LTCOL Don Blakeslee, 4th FG CO, February 27th, 1944

AirBot
01-24-2004, 12:50 PM
ROTFLMFAO http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Great post, thanks!

-HH-Dubbo
01-24-2004, 03:32 PM
LMAO http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Thanks



http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/nightschpanker/F1000016.JPG
It only funny 'til someone loses an eye.......oops

tsisqua
01-24-2004, 03:39 PM
Beautiful! I am ROF!!!!

Tsisqua

http://www.uploadit.org/files/010903-nedChristie.jpg
Tsalagi Asgaya Galvladi

DONB3397
01-24-2004, 04:15 PM
I thought you said it was funny. (sic)

Winning isn't everything;
It's the only thing!
http://us.f2.yahoofs.com/bc/3fe77b7e_1812a/bc/Images/Sig---1.jpg?BC45wDABE.hvLZQo

horseback
01-24-2004, 05:05 PM
A sorehead in every bunch...

Cheers

horseback

"Here's your new Mustangs, boys. You can learn to fly'em on the way to the target. Cheers!" -LTCOL Don Blakeslee, 4th FG CO, February 27th, 1944

Lucius_Esox
01-24-2004, 08:34 PM
horseback, my man, http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-happy.gif that made me smile. Cheers!

Cajun76
01-24-2004, 08:36 PM
I thought it was funny. I have a feeling one of them might find it's way into my sig.

Good hunting,
Cajun76

Tully__
01-24-2004, 08:47 PM
Oh, it was soooo funny http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

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Tully