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View Full Version : So i'm currently writing a story for a final exam..



Azula2005
10-09-2012, 10:07 PM
So what i'm turning in to the professor is this..


Please keep in mind that iv'e only spoken English for 3 years only.



My bones are growing weak now as I age, I take a look in a stream and I’m proud

of who I am in terms of physical appearance: with dark, long, slicked back hair, and a white with

streaks of black on my beard. And now I’m on a personal quest to find my long lost mentors

library, a sanctum full of invaluable wisdom that contains power beyond wealth or

might…Answers, answers on why I was made to avenge those who were treated unjustly and

forgotten, who would perform such acts? Templars As I walk along the frozen riverbank I notice

a disturbance in the snow, a shade of colors not common on these grounds, red. A body lies on

the snow, half of his right side buried in the white. The rest blanketed with his own blood. I go

for a closer examination, as I struggle to walk through the snow I hear a light growl coming from

behind and then a huge, dark, furry arm comes from my right side and hits my shoulder, instantly I

start bleeding. Before it could go for another slash, I turn around and run to the left and jump off

a nearby ledge, I hit the ground rolling. I look up and I see nothing but the sun and blue sky, I

take slow breaths and remove my hood, my tunic, and my leather straps wrapped around my

body for protection. As I remove the straps around my wound to examine it I hear the sound of

heavy stomping in the snow, the bears back. I take a few steps back and face it. Our eyes meet,

it’s around the size of two men, with a thick coat of dark brown fur, it’s jaws are covered in

blood and its face contains scars of past battles. Immediately i realize it will not give up

without one of us dead, so I put my right leg behind me and run straight forward shouting, the

beast does a similar charge. A stone the size of the beasts head lay in front of me I put my right

leg out and on it and with strong momentum I leap into the air, my right hand is forward pointing

at the beast, in a triangular position my left arm is behind, while the forearm is also facing the

monster, my feet are brought upwards and my knees bent, like a crouching position. In the air, I

flick my left wrist and my hidden blade is retracted quickly. And with a shout I grab the beasts

heavy chests with my right and I lunge my left forward piercing the monster in the neck, the

blade making a light *shiing* noise as it’s making its way through its throat. Blood splattering

everywhere my right hand is bathed all in red, little droplets land on my face and larger ones

land on my legs and torso. The beast falls back roaring with a sound one more piercing than

crushing. Snow flies everywhere, everything is shaking, my veins bulging, my arms clenching,

my teeth biting hard, and my breath white with my shouts.

My name is Ezio Auditore and I am an Assassin!


Forgive me if i took much of your time, and thank you.Should i turn this in? Any thing that'll make it more appealing?

Locopells
10-09-2012, 10:11 PM
Only if you're sure they don't know AC and won't Google 'Ezio'...

Assassin_M
10-09-2012, 10:13 PM
Only if you're sure they don't know AC and won't Google 'Ezio'...

Or Connor.. xD

Well done:)

Decent structure and nicely organized, good luck:D

ignition11
10-09-2012, 10:13 PM
It's not bad, not bad... but, as my friend above me commented, it won't work if he/she knows about AC

Azula2005
10-09-2012, 10:23 PM
Only if you're sure they don't know AC and won't Google 'Ezio'...


It was suppose to be on our favorite fictional character, i think i'm good with that.

And thanks! But any feed back possibly?

pacmanate
10-09-2012, 10:40 PM
It's like someone just wrote out my life infront of me :o

JumpInTheFire13
10-09-2012, 11:19 PM
Since you said "professor," I'm guessing you are in university. I'm just going to let you know that if I were to hand this in to my Grade 10 English teacher, I would probably get slapped. The grammar in this story is terrible.

Just sayin'.

Azula2005
10-09-2012, 11:57 PM
Since you said "professor," I'm guessing you are in university. I'm just going to let you know that if I were to hand this in to my Grade 10 English teacher, I would probably get slapped. The grammar in this story is terrible.

Just sayin'.


Thanks for telling me, but the prof is aware of the weakness in my English.

I'll work on it in the future, thanks man.

Assassin_M
10-10-2012, 12:16 AM
It's like someone just wrote out my life infront of me :o

You suck

JumpInTheFire13
10-10-2012, 12:39 AM
Thanks for telling me, but the prof is aware of the weakness in my English.

I'll work on it in the future, thanks man.

Sorry, I forgot to mention that in my post. So essentially you have a grade 3 education in English, which makes this quite exceptional. Good job.

*Edit* I also forgot to say that, other than the grammar, I enjoyed this story a lot. It was exciting. May I ask what your first language is?

Azula2005
10-10-2012, 01:22 AM
Sorry, I forgot to mention that in my post. So essentially you have a grade 3 education in English, which makes this quite exceptional. Good job.

*Edit* I also forgot to say that, other than the grammar, I enjoyed this story a lot. It was exciting. May I ask what your first language is?

I hope grade 3 is decent in English country's. I'm half Greek half Persian but i speak fluent Greek.

Thanks for asking. I really appreciate it.

AltairCBM
10-10-2012, 01:32 AM
I was born in America, so English is my native language and I speak it fluently. I'm in High School in America, and your grammar is easily better than half the school's. My best friend is also from a foreign country and had to learn English, so I know how tough it can be, as he still has problems after being here over five years. You do a very good job, and its easy to understand you. Keep learning, keep speaking it, and you'll have it down in no time.

On topic, very good story, it says just what it needs to so you can be invested in the story without getting too filled with unessential knowledge. Good work.

xXRyzonXx
10-10-2012, 02:52 AM
It was a really good story, however i would recommend making it longer, unless he specifically said a short story.

projectpat06
10-10-2012, 08:17 AM
It's an overall well written, descriptive story. There are a few grammar errors, comma splices, and awkward wording so be sure to have it edited by a peer before you turn it in.

Oh and Persian women are the best if you catch my drift. At least the ones I know around Atlanta. I don't know any Greeks, but my pops always speaks highly of the country from when he studied architecture there.

Locopells
10-10-2012, 02:58 PM
I was born in America, so English is my native language and I speak it fluently.

The depends on your point of view :-) ...

eagleforlife1
10-10-2012, 03:06 PM
I was born in America, so English is my native language and I speak it fluently.

I've yet to meet an American yet who is fluent in English so congrats to ya.

JumpInTheFire13
10-11-2012, 01:52 AM
I've yet to meet an American yet who is fluent in English so congrats to ya.
You're British and you seem to not be able to write it properly.