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jayhall0315
03-02-2009, 01:49 PM
Just thought you guys might like a laugh:



After every flight, pilots fill out a

form, called a gripe sheet which tells

mechanics about problems with the

aircraft. The mechanics correct the

problems, document their repairs on the

form, and then pilots review the gripe

sheets before the next flight. Never let

it be said that ground crews lack a

sense of humor. Here are some

maintenance complaints submitted by

pilots and the solutions recorded by

maintenance engineers. By the way, the

airline these came from is the only

major airline that has never, ever, had

an accident.







Pilot: Left inside main tire almost

needs replacement. Engineers: Almost

replaced left inside main tire.



Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land

very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not

installed on this aircraft.



Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.

Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.



Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.

Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.



Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode

produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on

ground.



Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main

landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.



Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Engineers: DME volume set to more

believable level.



Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle

levers to stick. Engineers: That's what

friction locks are for.



Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF

mode.



Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.

Engineers: Suspect you're right.



Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.

Engineers: Engine found on right wing

after brief search.



Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.

Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten

up, fly right, and be serious.



Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers:

Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat

installed.



Pilot: Noise coming from under

instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

jayhall0315
03-02-2009, 01:49 PM
Just thought you guys might like a laugh:



After every flight, pilots fill out a

form, called a gripe sheet which tells

mechanics about problems with the

aircraft. The mechanics correct the

problems, document their repairs on the

form, and then pilots review the gripe

sheets before the next flight. Never let

it be said that ground crews lack a

sense of humor. Here are some

maintenance complaints submitted by

pilots and the solutions recorded by

maintenance engineers. By the way, the

airline these came from is the only

major airline that has never, ever, had

an accident.







Pilot: Left inside main tire almost

needs replacement. Engineers: Almost

replaced left inside main tire.



Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land

very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not

installed on this aircraft.



Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.

Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.



Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.

Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.



Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode

produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on

ground.



Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main

landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.



Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Engineers: DME volume set to more

believable level.



Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle

levers to stick. Engineers: That's what

friction locks are for.



Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF

mode.



Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.

Engineers: Suspect you're right.



Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.

Engineers: Engine found on right wing

after brief search.



Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.

Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten

up, fly right, and be serious.



Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers:

Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat

installed.



Pilot: Noise coming from under

instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Taylortony
03-02-2009, 04:36 PM
you know we in the industry refer to you in the cabin as self loading freight http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

danjama
03-02-2009, 05:20 PM
Thanks for posting, as much as i have seen some ofthese in the past, they really made my day http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

I was going to pick some to quote but they are all brilliant!!

Ba5tard5word
03-02-2009, 06:38 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Engineers: DME volume set to more

believable level. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Choctaw111
03-02-2009, 07:00 PM
As many times as this has circulated through here in the past, it is always funny to read it again.

willyvic
03-03-2009, 01:04 AM
And one from Naval Air;

Pilot: Relief tube hose too short.

Mechanic: Checks good on enlisted man.

WV

crucislancer
03-03-2009, 08:58 PM
From something I compiled a while ago:

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


O' Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ..... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll-out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


SR-71 anecdotes:

In his book "Sled Driver" SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout. There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.....
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

In a famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it..."

He was cleared..

And lastly, a couple of my favorites:

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

German air controllers at Frankfurt airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. Pilots are not only expected to know their gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from the air controllers. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, with the call sign Speed bird 206.
Speed bird 206: "Frankfurt, Speed bird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speed bird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One- Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speed bird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with very arrogant impatience): "Speed bird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speed bird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

WhiteKnight77
03-03-2009, 11:28 PM
My favorite exchange between a pilot and ATC was when we were shooting GCA's into March AFB in a CH-46 Sea Knight.

March Control: "SU 05, 5 miles out, check gear down and locked."

PUI: "Roger, gear down and welded."

jayhall0315
03-03-2009, 11:40 PM
Those last two or three Crucis are gut busters !

About once a year I visit France (usually Paris) for academic conferences and occasionally I run into a really snippy or snotty clerk who does not like my American accented French, and starts to give me sh#!

That is one eyebrow goes up and the other down, and I say in French, "1944, now get used to it".