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knightflyte
06-20-2005, 12:25 PM
In light of patch hysteria.... FMs......real verses simulated experiences et al....I thought I'd leave this in hopes to spread a lil laughter. I did.



According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip-kiss prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

FoolTrottel
06-20-2005, 12:26 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

JG7_Rall
06-20-2005, 02:11 PM
LOL

that's good

LStarosta
06-20-2005, 02:45 PM
LOL!

VBF-83_Hawk
06-20-2005, 03:30 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif

arcadeace
06-20-2005, 03:33 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

reverendkrv1972
06-20-2005, 03:36 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

ploughman
06-20-2005, 03:51 PM
A friend of mine used to work for BA at Heathrow in the 1970s. The engine crews were issued with whistles as these were the only things loud enough for them to use to signal each other at the time. A little Hitler was in charge of issuing kit, one day my mate went to him to ask for a new whistle.
"Why, have you lost it?"
"No, it's here."
"So why do you want another one?"
"Look, I'm qualified to certify aero-engines, give me another bloody whistle if I ask for one."
"More than my jobs worth mate. Unless your whistle is broken or lost I can't issue you another whistle."
Says my mate whilst laying his whistle on the table.
"Look, I just can't use this whistle anymore, give me another."
Wee Hitler, whilst picking up the whistle and blowing it.
"It works fine, what's your problem?"
"I dropped in the toilet."
"Ah."

PBNA-Boosher
06-20-2005, 04:03 PM
You are more likely, according to a friend I have in Australia, (I stayed with a family there) to injure yourself on your own toilet than you are to be bitten by a shark while surfing.

-HH-Dubbo
06-20-2005, 04:09 PM
LOL http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

FI-Aflak
06-20-2005, 04:34 PM
Originally posted by PBNA-Boosher:
You are more likely, according to a friend I have in Australia, (I stayed with a family there) to injure yourself on your own toilet than you are to be bitten by a shark while surfing.

The reason that is a bogus statistic is that most toilet-injuries don't involve loss of limb or life.

this is a good thread.

stathem
06-20-2005, 04:47 PM
Originally posted by FI-Aflak:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by PBNA-Boosher:
You are more likely, according to a friend I have in Australia, (I stayed with a family there) to injure yourself on your own toilet than you are to be bitten by a shark while surfing.

The reason that is a bogus statistic is that most toilet-injuries don't involve loss of limb or life.

this is a good thread. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Have you seen the spiders that live in the toilet in Oz?

Lucius_Esox
06-20-2005, 06:18 PM
What are they called Redbacks or something like that?

They are a member of the Black Widow family I think.

Saw a programe on TV about em, and yes they do like to live in outside toilets, and yes they can kill http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Not a nice way to go http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif

http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Sabla
06-20-2005, 06:38 PM
You could die on the "Throne" just like Elvis...

LeadSpitter_
06-20-2005, 07:20 PM
who cares bringeth 4.02!

blakduk
06-20-2005, 07:35 PM
Redback spiders are a member of the Black Widow family of spiders. Yes they are deadly and yes they are often found in toilets (especially outdoor ones).
I always find it amusing that wherever i go in the world i am asked about the dangerous creatures we have here- the poisonous snakes, spiders, shellfish, etc, not to mention the sharks and crocodiles. The truth is however that we have probably the easiest life in the world. Our leading causes of death are more due to our comfortable lifestyle than any dangerous creatures that may get us.
An example is of a friend and i who were surfing many years ago on the north coast of NSW- suddenly between us a fin pocked up of a tiger shark (i had to take my mates word for it, it could have been a submarine for all i knew). That was it, we both caught the next swell into shore and got out of there (this was still the era when 'Jaws' was popular). When the adrenaline wore off we rinsed off and went to the pub- with each re-telling of the story it got more dangerous and we got more heroic. By the end of that evening we were both pretty p*ssed- he fell down the stairs and needed 6 stitches in his head!
Moral of the story- enjoy our country but beware of the pubs, they can kill you http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif

partic_3
06-20-2005, 07:45 PM
Many of you, I believe, may have read "Piece of Cake" by Derek Robinson?
Remember "Baggy" Bletchely and his experience in the port-a-loo?
(winces from the memory)
Who says a toilet injury can't be serious!!

FI-Aflak
06-20-2005, 08:52 PM
Originally posted by Sabla:
You could die on the "Throne" just like Elvis...

that was a twinkie accident, not a toilet accident.

I still maintain I'd take my chances with a crapper before I'd take my chances with a shark.

civildog
06-20-2005, 10:26 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/civildog/funnelweb1.jpg

fordfan25
06-20-2005, 10:34 PM
Originally posted by PBNA-Boosher:
You are more likely, according to a friend I have in Australia, (I stayed with a family there) to injure yourself on your own toilet than you are to be bitten by a shark while surfing.

tell that to a guy who has been bitten buy a shark WHILE sitting on his tolet

|Exciter|
06-20-2005, 10:55 PM
hahaha eeewwwww....

As a result these girls all have an outbreak of herpes http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

fordfan25
06-20-2005, 10:59 PM
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

HoldSteady641
06-21-2005, 01:58 AM
Ah gawd, leave your freakin spiders pictures out of here! Or I'll post a photo of my face!

ploughman
06-21-2005, 02:24 AM
You are more likely, according to a friend I have in Australia, (I stayed with a family there) to injure yourself on your own toilet than you are to be bitten by a shark while surfing.


Our national office of statistics periodically releases data illustrating how many stupid ways there are to die available to the average Briton. One interesting one was that in the previous year six Britons had journeyed to the big restroom in the sky by virtue of smacking their heads violently against toilet bowls whilst vomitting after drinking too much. This level of fatalities was way more than the number of Australian surfers bitten in half by murderous sharks for the same year which was like one or two, maybe even zero.

There were some other odd ones, like choking on a mobile phone, falling out the landing gear compartment (non actually a Brit, an illegal immigrant but I think he had the right stuff) of an airliner on final approach, suffering fatal burns during a pizza fight, that sort of thing.

I wish I could fing the list, it's very funny.

Sonatine13
06-21-2005, 02:25 AM
talking about toilet accidents...
http://www.eprdel.cz/video/needhelp.mpg

HotelBushranger
06-21-2005, 02:31 AM
Don't forget Queenslands jellyfish, those little bastards can kill you in a matter of minutes. And, IIRC, they are almost naked to the human eye. Enjoy your visit to Australia guys! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

ploughman
06-21-2005, 02:34 AM
Don't forget Queenslands jellyfish, those little bastards can kill you in a...

I've heard about those things. A victim was unconcious, on morphine, and still screaming...

Lucius_Esox
06-21-2005, 02:47 AM
I've heard about those things. A victim was unconcious, on morphine, and still screaming...

Man,,, don't the yellow bellied Sea Snake live round there as well,, most powerfull venom known to man, period,, lol.

This thread like one of them conversations you used to have when camping with me m8's as kid late at night,,,, all trying to freak each other out...
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/784.gif

Keep em coming.. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Pirschjaeger
06-21-2005, 03:11 AM
Originally posted by Ploughman:

, falling out the landing gear compartment (non actually a Brit, an illegal immigrant but I think he had the right stuff) of an airliner on final approach, .

I believe this happened in China. If I remember correctly he got into the landing gear of a plane he thought was going to a short distance, France I think. The plane was going to Beijing and when the landing gear came down his frozen corps fell through the roof of a woman's house. Minus 70 celcius for 12 hours will have an adverse effect.

My point is, the right stuff would have been mittens, and scarf, and the right itinerary. Electric socks and underwaer are also recommended.

Fritz

Pirschjaeger
06-21-2005, 03:12 AM
Originally posted by Ploughman:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Don't forget Queenslands jellyfish, those little bastards can kill you in a...

I've heard about those things. A victim was unconcious, on morphine, and still screaming... </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, that was a patch-whiner.

Fritz

WTE_Ibis
06-21-2005, 03:23 AM
Forget the spiders,forget the snakes.forget the jellyfish.
In Australia m8 it's the "DROP BEARS".be afraid,
Dont go into the bush without an experienced guide,the box jellyfish is romper room compared to the DROP BEARS. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Steve Irwin is a ***** and goes to water when asked to handle a drop bear.

ploughman
06-21-2005, 03:25 AM
No, that was a patch-whiner.


http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

ploughman
06-21-2005, 03:32 AM
I believe this happened in China.

Bloke went to work in at his scrapyard one Monday morning to discover the body of a young male South Asian fellow who'd clearly died of massive injuries. Baffled police were at a loss until one of them looked up and saw, a thousand feet above him, the belly of an airliner on final approach to Heathrow. For some unknown reason, and completely against all expectation, the plod in question was able to make the mental leap required to connect the two. Further investigations were able to confirm who how and where of it. It doesn't suprise me that it happens elswhere.

Ranger_80
06-21-2005, 07:26 AM
What's even worse here in Australia is the red back antivenom is often worse than the bite, friend of mine ( yeah really big guy so might be different for everyone) got bitten and was just told to wait it out - hurt like hell. fever, nausea, but they really don't wan't to give you that stuff unless they have to - go figure.

About the reds in the dunny, my poor grandfather in his younger days caught one on his nad apparently. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

ploughman
06-21-2005, 09:02 AM
Ok. I have to ask. What is a drop bear?

BSS_Goat
06-21-2005, 09:06 AM
Thanks Ploughman I was scared to ask http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Retrofish
06-21-2005, 09:17 AM
Originally posted by Pirschjaeger:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Ploughman:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Don't forget Queenslands jellyfish, those little bastards can kill you in a...

I've heard about those things. A victim was unconcious, on morphine, and still screaming... </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, that was a patch-whiner.

Fritz </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

sunflower1
06-21-2005, 10:21 AM
The brown recluse spider in North American favors the underside of outdoor toilet seats. I had one bite me on the chest once, it made flesh turn all sorts of colors and then fall out.

Obviously, I need to learn to sit on a toilet better.

knightflyte
06-21-2005, 12:56 PM
I'd say considering he bit you in the chest instead of the nether regions I'd not change a thing.

WholeHawg
06-21-2005, 01:43 PM
Drop Bears .......


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drop_Bear

Pirschjaeger
06-21-2005, 02:41 PM
Drop Bears are dangerous but I'd rather mess with one of them then be anywhere near a wolperdinger. Those are scarry. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

Fritz

ploughman
06-21-2005, 03:45 PM
**** the bed. Did you see the fangs on it? Like a Leopard with a pouch. (Make a nice satchel, heh, heh, heh). Any road, we've got blonde adders here in England, they're not very dangerous unless you let them near a credit card.

Pirschjaeger
06-21-2005, 05:35 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

VV_Holdenb
06-21-2005, 06:05 PM
WholeHawg thx for link http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif
didn't want to ask either!

for drop bears...
"Unsuspecting foreigners are often told that doing ridiculous things like having forks in their hair will deter the beasts..."

Classic http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

blakduk
06-21-2005, 07:58 PM
Drop bears are easy to handle.... but hoop snakes are a different matter altogether http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

ploughman
06-22-2005, 05:34 AM
No way I'm falling for that one, do you think I was breached this morning? Hoop snake? Phfft!

Flying_Nutcase
06-22-2005, 08:02 AM
Blah, come to New Zealand. Nothing dangerous here. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

Pirschjaeger
06-22-2005, 10:32 AM
Originally posted by Ploughman:
No way I'm falling for that one, do you think I was breached this morning? Hoop snake? Phfft!

Ok, I'll be the sacrificial lamb this time. The good of the many outweigh the good of the few.

What's a hoop snake? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

Fritz

ElektroFredrik
06-22-2005, 11:20 AM
Skvader is the worst! Be sure! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skvader
It can run faster than a greyhound, fly faster
than a Me163, become near-invisible at will,
bite a P-47 to scrap metal in half a heartbeat
and hypnotize you to give it all your money.
Do you feel lucky, newb?

VV_Holdenb
06-22-2005, 11:53 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif
How about the "Furking gert mallishag"

"Isle of Wight" UK regional dilect
meaning "great big hairy caterpillar." http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Pirschjaeger
06-22-2005, 02:34 PM
Originally posted by ElektroFredrik:
Skvader is the worst! Be sure! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skvader
It can run faster than a greyhound, fly faster
than a Me163, become near-invisible at will,
bite a P-47 to scrap metal in half a heartbeat
and hypnotize you to give it all your money.
Do you feel lucky, newb?

That's no way t talk about my X! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif

She was worse. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Fritz

blakduk
06-22-2005, 05:21 PM
Glad you asked- a Hoop Snake is a particularly cunning snake that lives on hillsides. It takes on larger prey by BnZ tactics- it waits on hills for prey to wander by below whereupon it bites its own tail, expands itself into a circle (hence the name 'Hoop Snake') and rolls down the hill like a bicycle wheel and collides with its victim, viciously biting it numerous times in the ensuing melee. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Friends and i actually used this one on some American tourists many years ago one night in a pub. A female friend of mine went along with it really well and helped convince them of the perils of wandering the surrounding hillsides without adequate head protection.
The next day she asked me more questions about these creatures and it dawned on me that she had fallen for the myth also! All evening i had assumed she was in on the joke and just helping the cause http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif
Fortunately she was very cute and had great taste in men- we were together for a few months.
Sigh, oh to be a teenager again...

Pirschjaeger
06-23-2005, 06:11 AM
Originally posted by blakduk:
Glad you asked- a Hoop Snake is a particularly cunning snake that lives on hillsides. It takes on larger prey by BnZ tactics- it waits on hills for prey to wander by below whereupon it bites its own tail, expands itself into a circle (hence the name 'Hoop Snake') and rolls down the hill like a bicycle wheel and collides with its victim, viciously biting it numerous times in the ensuing melee. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif


Ah, so that's how the idea of the "hoola hoop" came to be. One victim's tragedy turned into profit and a cultural icon.http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Fritz

Pirschjaeger
06-23-2005, 06:27 AM
Originally posted by blakduk:
Friends and i actually used this one on some American tourists many years ago one night in a pub. A female friend of mine went along with it really well and helped convince them of the perils of wandering the surrounding hillsides without adequate head protection.
The next day she asked me more questions about these creatures and it dawned on me that she had fallen for the myth also! All evening i had assumed she was in on the joke and just helping the cause http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif
Fortunately she was very cute and had great taste in men- we were together for a few months.
Sigh, oh to be a teenager again...

Hmmm, I think I know this girl. Did she live in Nova Scotia for a while?

I was invited to a B'Hai party, though I follow no religion, one time. My friend, the girl in question, was also invited and we we sitting together. After a few hours she asked me if this was some sort of religion. I told her it was and that they were B'Hais.

She asked me what B'hais do. I told her that when they meet they say "B'Hai, B'how ya doing?". I meant this as a harmless joke but she thought I was serious. She started going around the room saying to everyone "B'Hai, B'how ya doing?". http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Then a week later I was visiting her family at their house. Her father brought up the party and we all had a good laugh. He also explained that she believes anything you tell her. Hmmm, the perfect woman? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif Her dad went on to explain that her brother had told her that Nova Scotia was floating and she believed it. What was worse is that it took her father three days to convince her it wasn't a joke.

For those who don't know, Nova Scotia, a province of around 1 million, is almost and island joined to mainland Canada by a small piece of land.

So, after he explained this we all had another laugh. Then I thought, hmmmm, let's see. I told her in front of everyone that Nova Scotia is floating and that I can prove it. While her father's face was turning redder and redder, she challenged me to prove it. I simply asked her if she had ever opened and looked down into a well. She said "Yes" with a blank stare. Then I asked her what she had seen. She said "Only water". At this point her father was saying to e with a stern look "Don't you dare, don't do it!". Then I asked her to think for a minute.

Well, being the genius that she was, she only needed 55 seconds. She looked at her father and said "Dad, you lied to me". http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

From that moment on, her father never spoke to me again.

Blakduk, this girl sounds like yours. With an intellegence like no other and as cute as they come. She also had the nicest set of,..........eyes. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Fritz

VonKlugermon
06-23-2005, 07:38 AM
Beware the Jackalope!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackalope

Willy

sparty7200
06-23-2005, 04:02 PM
There is only one dangerous species in Malta - the much feared two legged land shark


(bl**dy time share touts get everywhere!!!!)