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Avengance1E1
02-19-2011, 05:15 PM
So.. I've been writing this book called Assassin's Creed Maestro.. just for fun and I want to see what everybody thinks of it. Page 1-3
“Huh?” said a mysterious man getting out of the animus
“Get up quick” says a man wearing a lab coat
“What’s going on Marco?” said the mysterious man
“I just need to do something quick” said Marco with his black gloves shining within Abstergo’s light shining through the glass window.
“Okay” said the man
Marco begins typing some things within the Animus and places a USB memory stick within the animus. He quickly takes it out and starts typing a bit more and ends up taking off everything from the Animus Data Base from room 67.
“Ash, Run!” said Marco as Ash ran as fast as he could. Ash ran with Marco through the door as they reached an elevator. Marco quickly picked up a phone and said “Ready the van, quick” he quickly packed the phone away as the elevator door opened and a van quickly rushed into the building, Marco went in as he shouted out to Ash “GET IN!”
“How do I know this isn’t a trap” Ash asked
“Please, if we wanted you trapped we would leave you here” said Marco
“Good Point” Ash said as he jumped in, the vehicle took off as the soldiers of abstergo’s security fired rapidly at the van.
“So… uhm… do any one of you want to tell me what the hell is going on here.” Ash questioned
“Simple, we are assassin’s, so are you, we busted you out of there because we had to check something in your memory, that is what Lucy said” a woman with green eyes and a red vest answered.
“And.. who is Lucy?” asked Ash
“Another assassin working with Desmond Miles, someone who is most important to the whole entire operation” said a man with denim jacket.
“Oh, okay then. Where’s the animus all I see is this purple thing?” Ash asked one more time
“That’s the animus 1.5, it’s more advanced than Abstergo’s animus but less advanced to Rebecca’s “Baby” anymore questions?” asked the women.
“Nah, I’m good!” said Ash.
“Get in” Marco said to Ash, Ash put his body onto the machine, as everything turned black.
“It’s not working, we have no Genetic evidence at the moment” said the woman
“Here you go Kate” said Marco handing her the USB.
“Perfect! Alright it’s all running” Kate said as everything through the animus went red as a bunch of dialog showed up.
Loading Genetic Memory
Subject 67
Subject 67 – Subject 17
Non-Matching Genetics
|<@T3: Don’t worry about that, it’s an automatic thing
Attempting access to sequence 20 in DNA
Everything went dark again as a bunch of images started to show, with a man fighting everyone in sight, slicing everyone into pieces. Then it all went red.
Memory access failed, switching to more stable memory
Pushed Back into Memory Sequence 5
Accessing Memory
Florence – 1454
Specific Location- IL’ DUOMO
“The following, Falco Volare is sentence to death” said a man on top of the IL’ DUOMO holding Falco by the throat over the edge.
“FATHER!!” shouted out a teenager as he is running.
“Goodbye you puttana” said the man and pushed off Falco. “GRAB THE BOY” shouted the man as he climbs down a ladder. The Boy runs away as the man catches up with the guard, the man grabs out his sword and cuts the child on the cheek, the child gets up onto a horse and starts riding off into the horizon.
Sequence 5 complete
Attempting to access memory sequence 10.
Memory accessible.
Memory Accessed.
FERRERA OUTSKIRTS – 1484
“Aunty Quin, I’m home” said the once teenage boy.
“Oh, hello Guerrero” said Aunty Quin with a loving smile on her face.
“Where’s Uncle Uberto??” asked Guerrero
“He must be out” Aunty Quin replied
“I’ll go look for him” Guerrero answered back as all of a sudden there was a banging noise.
“What was that? It was coming from the basement” Guerrero exclaimed as he ran down to the basement as fast as he could, to find a guard holding down the uncles bloodied up dead body, he had a sword in his hand with a golden handle.
Guerrero grabs a knife off the ground that was dropped by the guard while his uncle was fighting back, Guerrero threw it through the guards neck. Guerrero ran up to the uncle and found a note in his pocket, it had a location, Caprese in Tuscany. Guerrero walks up the creaking steps as he gets back to the kitchen where he faces Aunty Quin.
“So, what was that bang?” Aunty quin questioned
“Uncle is.. he is uhm… dead” Answered Guerrero with a sad look on his face
“And you left the body down there?” asked Aunty Quin
“I thought that you would like to put him somewhere” Guerrero answered as he opened the front door.
“Where are you going?” Aunty Quin questioned
“To Caprese.” Gurrero answered the question
“Why are you going to Tuscana?” asked Quin
“I’ve got some business to take care of” answered Guerrero as he put himself onto the horseback and rode towards the Caprese. After a half hour of riding a horse something unexpected happened, a guard with armour of one of the Duke of Fererra’s personals showed up on a horse. The guard pulled out his sword and galloped quicker toward Guerrero.
“STOP! YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF LAW” said the guard as he threw the sword and it cut Guerrero’s arm. Guerrero reached into his pocket and grab a knife, he aimed his throw and he chucked the knife right into the guards forehead. Guerrero kept riding as he made it to Tuscany over a good period of time. He went to Caprese and knocked on a door.

Rakudaton
02-20-2011, 02:53 AM
Without trying to be offensive, I'm afraid that it is truly awful. I'm sort of hoping this is a joke. Just look at the first line:

'“Huh?” said a mysterious man getting out of the animus'

Quite apart from the fact that you then lapse into the present tense for a bit after this, the sentence itself is... dreadful. Why "mysterious man"? If you have to tell us he's mysterious, then he probably... isn't. Even your use of "a" instead of "the" is ridiculous -- surely if he's a character in the story you should use "the"? Why do you even need the bit of the sentence outside '"Huh?"'? Surely that qualifies on its own as a starter?


That's really just the tip of the iceberg. I'd recommend you get some writing lessons. Sorry.

timpbader
02-20-2011, 03:46 AM
But the fact that he's gotten into the game so much that he's createing art in written form is a pretty cool thing. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

magesupermaster
02-20-2011, 05:06 AM
Yeah, I agree with Rakudaton.

I suggest you'd start by reading some books, see how they set an exposition and try to do it your way(You should inspire yourself from books but don't copy them).

This is quite awful, but don't get offended(After all, it's just criticism).

Evan52395
02-20-2011, 06:35 AM
In addition to what the others said, don't cram everything together. This could be a chapter, maybe two (not just three pages). Be more descriptive and not so forward.

tH3PatRi0Tx1776
02-20-2011, 09:06 AM
Just like the others said, read some books. I am also a writer, I write short stories and screenplays, and the best way to learn is to read other stories. The first sentence should catch the audiences attention, not bore them away. And, like others said, use a lot more description.

For example, what is the guy wearing? what color is his hair? what color are his eyes? was the animus cold to the touch? or warm? How cold is the room? What is the rooms shape? What objects are in the room? Do the doors open automatically or manually? On what floor were they on?

Those are just some of the questions you should ask yourself and answer when writing. Detail. Detail. Detail. Try to make us picture everything. The detail should set the atmosphere that the characters are in. Also, read up on Character Development. Try to give your characters a persona, an identity of their own so that they don't seem generic.

Just some advice. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
- George Martinez

ThaWhistle
02-20-2011, 10:36 PM
i laughed when a man was called a female prostitute and thrown off a cathedral.

massmurdera_666
02-21-2011, 04:37 AM
honestly no offense and I'm not trying to put you down, but it was bad. it read like you were trying to smash standard writing techniques and comic writing techniques together. the story wasn't original at all, you ripped off the opening of AC2 pretty blatantly.

but like everyone has said before me, read alot and practice.

LxLAS3RzZz
02-21-2011, 04:56 AM
the story wasn't original at all, you ripped off the opening of AC2 pretty blatantly.



This


I suggest you'd start by reading some books, see how they set an exposition and try to do it your way(You should inspire yourself from books but don't copy them).



And this. I am currently writing a book myself, however not exactly like AC for that matter. You need to remember to add a lot of detail as people have said before I. Also I reccomend coming up with something far more original - It truly was like reading/seeing the begining of AC2. Also research Assassin's Creed more, like the lore of Assassin's Creed.


Loading Genetic Memory
Subject 67


There is no Subject 67 from what we are aware, I'm pretty sure there isn't as Desmond was Subject 17 and the one before him was Subject 16 and there was some time between those two subjects. Make sure that your character isn't too major in the entire plot line aswell. Try to make sure he doesn't meet Desmond, Lucy, Shaun or Rebecca.

Don't give up, just start again with research of how to do all of what you're planning successfully.

k20ml
02-22-2011, 01:47 PM
I am going to try my hands on writing. See if my skills are what I expect them to be. But I am not going to turn into my profession.

Alpha Ender
02-23-2011, 10:23 AM
So...it's...okay. I guess. I agree with the others, it definitely needs some work. I would also suggest going with a time that we don't know of already rather than writing about Ezio's time, again. Also, I don't know quite where you're going with it, and there's some logical issues, like the Animus 1.5? If they know Rebecca, and they're that close that they know everything that's going on, they would be sharing her blueprints and have at least a 2.0.

Overall? Scrap it, follow the above suggestions, and try again. Thank you for posting though. We always like seeing new things, even if we don't always act like it. Besides, you can never get anywhere if you don't try, right? Good luck man.

Also, welcome to the Forums! (why didn't anyone else say this?!) http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/partyhat.gif http://media.ubi.com/us/forum_images/gf-glomp.gif

TheSt0ryTeller
02-26-2011, 07:45 PM
I reckon I can do something with this.. message me if I can use it.. okay?? cause I want to try something with it.
I'd do these things
-BASE IT JUST GUERRERO, take out Ash, Marco and the others like that, nothing to do with the animus, like Assassin's Creed Rennaisance..