View Full Version : OT.. jokes this way...>>

06-14-2005, 06:43 AM
hope you like:

>Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a
>snake in the Area of Operations (AO):
>1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
>2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
>3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
>4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't
>find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
>5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
>6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with
>three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
>civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success
>and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver
>7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department
>directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport
>with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes.
>Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
>8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
>obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
>countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how
>to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
>9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in
>failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
>Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
>10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills
>snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how
>Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
>11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
>civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
>12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
>13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
>14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
>feverishly to save snake's life.
>15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
>16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers
>two weeks after due date.
>17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and
>engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
>18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses
>snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to
>weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with
>Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing
>multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the
>future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
>19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on
>infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or
>20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds
>bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows
>snake into fire.
>21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
>other living thing within two miles of target.
>22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
>can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear
>23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of
>snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake
>activity as LOW.
>24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of
>professional courtesy.

with regards
sparty http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/53.gif

06-14-2005, 06:58 AM
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06-14-2005, 07:36 AM


SAS: Tracks snake in desert for three fortnights. Loses contact three times, regains it three times, get captured, beaten up by snakeze, escape, travel through the length of the saharan desert to return to base in gibraltar. Calling it a 'jolly good trip', though no snake-destroying missions have ever officially been undertaken.

Dutch submarine: accidentally pulls snake down during NATO excercise. Snake drowns, captain denies. Their explanation is that 'Snake marks on tower have been inflicted during maintenance in Norway'.

06-14-2005, 07:46 AM
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06-14-2005, 07:56 AM
Danish Army: Arranges a meeting with the snake elders. $2.000.000 must be paid to the local snake community each year in order to avoid future violent confrontation. 99.99999% of the funds are lost in transaction due to software malfunction & theft by local authorities. Four members of the government resigns. Program cancelled & the British army takes over control of the "Neutral Zone".

06-14-2005, 09:14 AM
Quebec soldier: pours gravy and curds on snake and eats it. Declares it a national delicacy. Pouts and threatens to separate when rest of Canada says snakes with gravy and curds is disgusting. Demands billions in subsidies from rest of the Canada to support Bombardier (actually all stories about Quebec end with demands for taxpayer handouts for Bobardier).

06-14-2005, 09:25 AM
Swedish Navy: Seeks for intruding snake underwater in archipelago for two weeks,Dismiss recorded soundprofile of snake as sounds of opposums mating.When snake later on get drunk an accidentaly gets caught in a fishing net outside Secret naval base helps the snake loose and wish it a happy trip home.

06-14-2005, 01:39 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif Classic

06-14-2005, 05:56 PM
SS: Captures snake and sends it to be retrained in the Snake Freikorps to fight on the Eastern Front. Snake dies of frostbite.

06-15-2005, 02:54 AM
Snake enters parliament house and is immediately voted leader.

06-15-2005, 03:30 AM
British intelligence recognizes the "snake" as a torn piece of garden hose - two more members of Danish government resigns after numerous hearings, accusations of racism & a heated puplic debate.

06-15-2005, 03:44 AM
Irish army locates possible snake in County Mayo.

However operation is paralysed by debate over whether its 'the Snake', 'the real Snake', 'the i can't believe its not the Snake', or the INLA.

06-15-2005, 04:13 AM
E.U. Constitution facing further delays due to the fact the snake was not recognized.


06-15-2005, 04:25 AM
snake is accused of having WMD's. war declared agasint snake. snake found in spider hole, put on trial.

06-15-2005, 05:22 AM
A British soldier is bit by a "bloody piece of garden hose". Further investigation is delayed due to poor weather conditions. The puplic debate in Denmark reaches hysterical heights.

06-15-2005, 06:45 AM
Originally posted by Pirschjaeger:
E.U. Constitution facing further delays due to the fact the snake was not recognized.


Last heard of this is that there are commission hearings in Brussels to decide wether it is a snake or only a worm. Officials are desagreeing with eatchother about the length of the animal and curvature of it´s body. Some instances claim it to be a banana. E.U. treasury holds funds until descision is made.