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View Full Version : I am unbelievably, irrevocably, hopelessly awful at this game...



james_owen
04-06-2005, 06:04 PM
Yep. I stink. I stink like a great big steaming pile of hippopotamus ****e, baking in the midday sun.

I have all the situational awareness of a drunken monkey falling out of a tree.

I have the pilotting skills of a man in a straight-jacket.

I spend hour after hour, mission after mission, flying in a tight circle, shooting the hell out of every single, nasty little air molecule that gets in my way. Sometimes there's a blur of movement in my forward view....I think its a plane. I fire at it. It could be friend, foe, or Father Freaking Christmas for all I care, I just want to kill it. Or hurt it. Or scare it. Or just let the bugger know I'm there...Cooee, its me: **** head.

Success the other day. I killed....a car. By crashing into it at about 500 (million) KPH. Well, what did it expect? It looked at me funny. Just hope it was Adolf's staff car, and IM even flying for the Germans.

The rare times I even get close enough to ID a plane as an enemy, it flashes past, out of view, and thats it, it might as well have gone through a wormhole, or jumped to sodding lightspeed, for all my chances of seeing it again.

Immelman, Scissors, Split-S? You what!? How about managing to turn 8 different types of plane on their backs without even leaving the runway? What about that time when I tried out a stuka and managed to destroy my entire 8 plane squadron on the runway....oops.

I stink at this game, I love it, but I'm absolutely **** at it! What can I do? I've read tutorials. They make my eyes bleed. I've done training missions, shot at balloons, bombers, trees and small, Latvian weasels and still can't hit anything.

Oh, I did blow up a bomber with rockets...but I was so close I blew my own wings off too.

People on the ground stare up at the sky, watching me performing the most amazing acrobatic stunts, swoops, rolls, dives, etc, etc, but IM JUST TRYING TO TURN BLOODY LEFT!!!

Caution: do not adjust elevator trim whilst at 8X time compression...

So, my question to you good folks, is: Am I ready to try multi-player?

Tgd_Voxman
04-06-2005, 06:15 PM
Sure you're ready for multiplayer play http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Just get in a Heinkel or B25, sit on the tarmac and take on the Vulchers. Make sure you load up with the heaviest load you can put and as the vulcher passes over your AC unload your bombs. This takes some timing, but I'm sure you'll take him out...maybe some friendlies...what's your pilot name again? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/53.gif

james_owen
04-06-2005, 06:17 PM
I don't have one yet...Perhaps Latvian Weasel will do..?

Look out for that name. Free kills.

I like your idea of the vulture turkey shoot. However, with my current ability level, even a REAL vulture would be able to get past my guns, into my cockpit, and peck my eyes out before I'd even settled into my seat and put my goggles on....

Atomic_Marten
04-06-2005, 06:19 PM
LOL. Of course you are ready. You know what is the biggest difference between online and offline? Thrill.

The No1. reason why I sometimes stink big time online is gunnery. Not because I'm bad at it, but because sometimes in the thrill I simply am not 'cool' enough to squeeze trigger at the right time.(snap-shots anyone?)

But however, the best way to know you are ready for online gaming is related to your success in QMB.
If you can regularly shot down 4 ACE fighters (for example you in Bf109G6AS vs. 4 Yak3Ps at 1000m, advantage none), then I'd say you are going to do just fine. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

NorrisMcWhirter
04-06-2005, 06:20 PM
Of course you are ready. Even experienced people online need some target practice http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Seriously, you will learn a lot online both in terms of how different people are from the AI + the fact that you're likely to have good human players covering you...mostly unlike the AI who prefer to shoot your kills down. Plus, you have people to learn from.

Best of luck.

Cheers,
Norris

james_owen
04-06-2005, 06:27 PM
I'll give it a go sometime real soon.

I don't know about taking on four aces just yet....If they were retired, and I managed to strafe them in the pension queue...then maybe, just maybe. I'd still bet on the unarmed, stationary, flightless, geriatrics though.

Atomic_Marten
04-06-2005, 06:50 PM
M8, you don't even have to do that.. I say you will do fine if you can regularly shot down 4 AI ace fighters (I said that mostly because many new players have tendency to unload their gun with low hit ratio (below 5% -- notice that depends of the numbers of guns used on plane as well -- it is not the same thing if u fly Jug with 8xMGs and Me109 with 2MGx1Cannon), and that is their biggest disadvantage IMO.

You may as well count your missed opportunities to hit enemy in one combat.. if you manage to land some lead on enemy a/c most of the times when you have a chance, that is also good sign http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif(for example 5 opportunities hit, one missed etc.).

But anyhow, if you can't do that, does not really matter. What really matter is fun.

james_owen
04-06-2005, 06:54 PM
Fun's good http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif I'm registering hyperlobby thingy right now.

The Latvian Weasel will (tomorrow) be taking (briefly) to the skies. Come one, come all, bag yourself a rare kind of flying (sort-of) weasel...

Atomic_Marten
04-06-2005, 06:57 PM
What's your hyperlobby name m8? Maybe we can fly together some times..

Mine is Atomic_Marten same as here. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

james_owen
04-06-2005, 07:00 PM
I have signed up as Latvian Weasel. Its giving me a headache right now, and I have to be at work in four hours....

But, I'd happily be shown the quickest, flamiest way to die online by you at some point, Mr crazy, Green-eyed Bull/Moose Thing...

Whats your lobby name?

james_owen
04-06-2005, 07:00 PM
LatvianWeasel, even... I'm not Latvian, but I AM a Weasel.

Ah, I see you already gave me your name. Ok I'll look you up. Cheers http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

SnapdLikeAMutha
04-06-2005, 08:11 PM
Foreplay

You cannot expect to just jump in a plane and start fecking it all over the sky. You need to start off gently, delicately, do not be too zealous with control inputs

It sounds like you are over-correcting which is a schoolboy error.

Handle the plane too rough from the kick-off (unless it is some filthy slapper like a Yak 3 that likes being taken bent over the sink like a dirty wench) and she will kick you out of bed, and definitely will not be cooking you breakfast.

Whereas if you treat her sweet and go in when the timing is *just* right (eg if you are up-sun on a group of bandits in a FW-190, with angels on your side) and she'll be putty in your hands and will come back begging for more action http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hope this helps, it's sure given me a chubby one http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Wilburnator
04-07-2005, 01:12 AM
There are plenty of people online who can't kill one ace AI, let alone four. Don't worry too much about it, but you might want to bone up on your ground handling skills because some folks get upset when you crash into them taxiing alot, lol. Oh yeah, in games where icons are on, if you can read the targets name, don't shoot him. He's on your side http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

triggerhappyfin
04-07-2005, 01:28 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by james_owen:
Yep. I stink. I stink like a great big steaming pile of hippopotamus ****e, baking in the midday sun.

I have all the situational awareness of a drunken monkey falling out of a tree.

I have the pilotting skills of a man in a straight-jacket.

I spend hour after hour, mission after mission, flying in a tight circle, shooting the hell out of every single, nasty little air molecule that gets in my way. Sometimes there's a blur of movement in my forward view....I think its a plane. I fire at it. It could be friend, foe, or Father Freaking Christmas for all I care, I just want to kill it. Or hurt it. Or scare it. Or just let the bugger know I'm there...Cooee, its me: **** head.

Success the other day. I killed....a car. By crashing into it at about 500 (million) KPH. Well, what did it expect? It looked at me funny. Just hope it was Adolf's staff car, and IM even flying for the Germans.

The rare times I even get close enough to ID a plane as an enemy, it flashes past, out of view, and thats it, it might as well have gone through a wormhole, or jumped to sodding lightspeed, for all my chances of seeing it again.

Immelman, Scissors, Split-S? You what!? How about managing to turn 8 different types of plane on their backs without even leaving the runway? What about that time when I tried out a stuka and managed to destroy my entire 8 plane squadron on the runway....oops.

I stink at this game, I love it, but I'm absolutely **** at it! What can I do? I've read tutorials. They make my eyes bleed. I've done training missions, shot at balloons, bombers, trees and small, Latvian weasels and still can't hit anything.

Oh, I did blow up a bomber with rockets...but I was so close I blew my own wings off too.

People on the ground stare up at the sky, watching me performing the most amazing acrobatic stunts, swoops, rolls, dives, etc, etc, but IM JUST TRYING TO TURN BLOODY LEFT!!!

Caution: do not adjust elevator trim whilst at 8X time compression...

So, my question to you good folks, is: Am I ready to try multi-player? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

So what do you think is so special with you compaired with the lot of us online?

Come on, hop in you just melt in with the majority http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

By the way beeing uber at it must be the most boring experience of it all http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-surprised.gif.

Longjocks
04-07-2005, 01:49 AM
The trick is to simply fly against mates that aren't as good as you. That's what I do. The problem is that they are starting to catch up. I'm no longer going to give them any tips.

Tully__
04-07-2005, 02:00 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by james_owen:
Caution: do not adjust elevator trim whilst at 8X time compression... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif Funniest one liner I've seen in a long time.... the image it created in my mind was just too much http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>So, my question to you good folks, is: Am I ready to try multi-player? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Absolutely YES!!

WOLFMondo
04-07-2005, 02:14 AM
Don't worry, join the rest of us n00bs online and see how the rest of us go down in flames regular as clockwork. You'll fit right in.http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

anarchy52
04-07-2005, 03:12 AM
S!
Your problem might be stick setup. I'll post my in-game stick settings when I get home. Might help.
As for situation awareness...that's maybe the most important skill for survival online, it will come to you in time.

You said You fly german planes...well maybe you should try something easier at first. Flying planes like FW-190, Bf-190, P-47, P-38 effectivelly requires a lot of patience and experience.

Pusy_Galore
04-07-2005, 03:48 AM
<span class="ev_code_YELLOW">"I've done training missions, shot at [...]and Latvian weasels and still can't hit anything."</span>

Latvian weasels? What, is the Kurland map out already?? Quickly, where do I download it?

james_owen
04-07-2005, 05:23 AM
Ta muchly for advice/comments.

I think the consensus is definitely to go and get stuck in.

Everyone who points out that I'm being over-eager and heavy handed is bang on.

And stick setup could sure be an issue. I'm on the defaults at the moment.

Still, I'm ready to go online tonight and be a noob. The ONE thing I will really, really try and avoid though, is definitely not taxiing into someone...

I think the one thing I could do that would instantly improve my offline game would to be turn icons on. But, despite being utterly pants, I don't want to do that. As it is, I am beginning to be able to tell a BF from an SB2 at about 20 paces....

Friendly_flyer
04-07-2005, 05:39 AM
You are flying German planes, right?

If I where you, I would give Hurricanes, Gladiators or I-185s a try. They are a lot easier to keep in the air (not to mention get them up there). A friend of mine bought the game, tried the BF 109 on full real right away and promptly fell out of the sky a few times. After that, he never touched the game.

German planes are generally in the "hard to master" category. Though the mentions planes aren't the most powerful around (well, the I-185 is fairly sharp), they are pleasant to fly, and you can always enjoy the scenery.

WOLFMondo
04-07-2005, 05:44 AM
On the stick setup try a smoother curve and be very gentle with the stick too.

The defualt goes up in 10's. I think allot of guys tend to have something like 1 4 8 12 16 and so on for roll and pitch with larger gaps higher up the spectrum so accurate control in the first part of the stick movement but full control at the edges of the stick movement. and defualt settings for yaw.

You played BF1942? The only think similar to that is bombing, the BF1942 bombing at low levels is remarkably similar to this sim, many would probably freak at such as statement but its true. If you can hit a tank with a bomb in BF you can do it in IL2:FB/PF, just takes a little more concentration as the speeds are much much higher.

james_owen
04-07-2005, 05:46 AM
I actually played through the first Russian fighter campaign as far as the Mig 3ud, which meant that I did 30 missions in the I-16...

30 out of what, 60? I was hospitalised most of the time from wounds, and the ones I did finish all end with "bailed SW of Bollackov", or somesuch...Was actually finding the switch to the BF109 to be like going from a tractor to a ferrari http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

I like the sound of trying a Hurricane. I might try that for my first online outing. I want to avoid using a real, real noob plane though, if at all possible.

Edit: No, not played BF1942. I am, however, excellent at Counterstrike. This in itself helps to explain why I'm so feeble at Sturm...

Edit 2: Cheers WOLFMondo, I'll have a look at trying something like that with my stick. I only have to look at my stick at the moment and it is capable of throwing me into a spin.

Bearcat99
04-07-2005, 06:49 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by james_owen:
Fun's good http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif I'm registering hyperlobby thingy right now.

The Latvian Weasel will (tomorrow) be taking (briefly) to the skies. Come one, come all, bag yourself a rare kind of flying (sort-of) weasel... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Latvian Weasel.... hmmmmm the love of my life was Latvian.... I still think about her everyday just about..... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

james_owen
04-07-2005, 07:09 AM
Lol...I trust that I understand the slant of your post...

If I do, then I, yes I was the one she left you for....You may meet me in the skies at the time of your choosing (as long as its a really obscure GMT hour, when the missus is in bed...)