View Full Version : Smitlack Returns

08-04-2005, 12:28 PM
~A lone U-Boat Captain fighting a battle of wits in the Atlantic€¦completely unarmed

Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Captain J. Smitlack

September 28, 1940

My desk job as Naval Attaché to Japan did not last long. In fact the ship I was on with the Japanese delegation did not even clear her moorings before I was fired. The delegation told Donitz that they were considering withdrawing from the Tripartite (Axis) Pact if I was not sent immediately to the front, hopefully in a job that would get me killed. Upon my return I was reassigned to U-1. Apparently no other crew had manned the boat since I left. The workers on the dock at Brest said it was because the other crews were afraid and that the ship was cursed but I know that the real reason was because I was an impossible act to follow. I just wish I knew why they delegation did not want me to go to Japan with them. I do not understand it.

I€ve been going over my every move. I boarded the transport ship and stowed my bags in my room. I met the delegation in the dinning hall for a tea ceremony where I said the greeting that the Chief Engineer, who had been crushed under the deck plates while Socko mutinied on U-1 (see Patrol 11), had prepared for me before we parted ways.


After I said it the delegation was quiet for several moments before I was taken down below. They took turns beating the tar out of me before throwing me overboard. They did not realize though that the ship had not left the pier and instead of hitting the water and getting wet, I fell two stories and hit the concrete pier. I laughed up at them as the ambulance crew loaded me on the stretcher. I bet they thought I was going to get wet but boy o boy did I show them.

The Chief came to the hospital. He was there for his Metrazol Shock Treatment. Did he ever look surprised when he saw me. I told him to prepare U-1 to sail and to search Brest for a new deck chair. The Chief was so over come with emotion, probably because now that I was back I would take the awesome responsibility of commanding U-1 from his frail shoulders, that he covered my face with a pillow and pressed down€¦ hard. As U-boat men we are forbidden from showing our emotions especially to one another. He is such a softy. As he was pressing the pillow into my face I heard him uttering over and over again.

€œThe boat was mine. You couldn€t sail your way out of wet paper bag. Die die die.€

He is such a kind soul. The Chief eventually pulled the pillow away from my face and staggered out of the room crying; probably off to inform the crew of my happy return, to prepare the boat for our next patrol and to find me a deck chair.

U-1 would be sailing soon. As I lay in that hospital bed thinking about our next patrol I could feel the salt water coursing through my veins again. It was invigorating. I called for a bedpan.


Well after a month off working on the book, which is coming along. Smitlack refused to leave me alone so I have decided to work on the Noob Patrols some more.

My gaming system is currently being revamped and upgraded. My wife and I are going to Michigan this weekend to pick it up. I€m hoping to have a patrol out sometime next week. I will also be playing around with Battlefield 2. I€m not sure if I€ll be posting stories on that forum or not yet. Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive. Feel free to respond and let me know what you€re thinking and feeling. Thanks.

08-04-2005, 01:33 PM
Psychfilm is back ! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Welcome back buddy !

I cant wait for new adventures of Captain J. Smitlack http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

08-04-2005, 02:19 PM
WOOT!!!! WOOT!!!! and YEEET!!!! Smitlack is back!

Welcome back m8!

08-04-2005, 03:13 PM
i would really like it if someone made the "YEET" side logo for all sub types.

Yen Lo
08-04-2005, 06:13 PM
Glad your back man, hopefully youll stay this place gets kinda boring. Let us know if you decide to do BF2.

08-04-2005, 07:11 PM
Thank you Psychfilm. Smitlack rocks. I still get the giggles every time I think of creamed corn and peanut brittle.

I *think* I've saved all of Smitlack's posted patrols so far (Haven't actually read all of it yet, have to save some for rainy days), but was floored when I noticed that I've saved over 60 pages of single spaced 12pt text, not including the images http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

08-04-2005, 07:54 PM

HAHAHAH I took four years of Japanese, so the minute I read that, I started laughing my butt off!

08-04-2005, 07:58 PM
I'm a newcomer to this so I have missed all previous episodes of Cpt. Smitlack. But if his adventures are anything like the above intro.....I'M HOOKED ALREADY!!!!

08-05-2005, 07:20 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

Everyone on this forum has been so supportive. It is really appreciated. My younger brother took a few semesters of Japanese when he was in high school at a local college he is the brillant one in the family. One of the things I like most about writing the patrols is actually the research that goes into it. I don't speak an languages except English, and there are days when that is a struggle. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif I've learned so much in such a short time from doing this. For those of you new to the adventures of Smitlack you can read his previous patrols at the links below. I'm floored by the fact that people enjoy reading these stories as much as I enjoy writing them. My wife is currently reading through them and though we have different ideas at times about what is funny, I catch her laughing out loud every so often while she is reading. Thanks again and keep hunting.

Noob Patrol 1

Noob Patrol 2

Noob Patrol 3

Noob Patrol 4 (Christmas Patrol)

Noob Patrol 5 (Roman Holiday)

Noob Patrol 6 (The Untimely demise of Ping Pong)

Noob Patrol 7 (Socko€s Madness)
http://forums.ubi.com/eve/ubb.x?a=tpc&s=400102&f=857101...201016233#9201016233 (http://forums.ubi.com/eve/ubb.x?a=tpc&s=400102&f=857101043&m=9201016233&r=9201016233#9201016233)

Noob Patrol 8 (Rise of Captain No Pants)

Noob Patrol 9 (The Return of Socko)

Noob Patrol 10 (Merchant War)

Noob Patrol 11 (Socko€s Revenge)

08-05-2005, 08:13 AM
Just saved all Noob Patrol storys to my harddisk http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

08-05-2005, 09:07 AM
...Und likewise for me also, these are savers...

You never thought that a game could be such literary inspiration...

...even for me every one of my patrols is a story...

08-05-2005, 09:28 AM
YEET!!! Im glad your back Ive missed the Noob patrols. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

08-05-2005, 04:46 PM
And upgrade your/Smitlack's sub. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif A patrol off the U.S coast would make a great story.

08-05-2005, 05:14 PM
On a nother note a few days ago(before I realized your back) I saw somthing green pop up from a mechant I sunk then I though of your deck chair. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

08-06-2005, 04:32 PM


08-08-2005, 08:45 AM

Yeet! Hehehehe I love that picture. I picked up the new computer this weekend. A man with priorities as far out of whack as mine does not deserve such a fine piece of machinery. I played BF2 on it before we left to return to Chicago. Never before have a seen anything run more smoothly. I should keep it in an air sealed vault and take it out only to rub it with a diaper. I'm going to install SH3 on it tonight and see what she can do.

08-08-2005, 10:31 AM
i still really want that Yeet logo for my sub