View Full Version : OT:Cops With a Thesaurus

02-13-2007, 04:34 PM
I just had to chuckle when watching the news on TV this evening. There was a story about some nutbar who stole a van in Niagara Falls and then ran his own demolition derby in traffic, deliberately ramming other cars just for the fun of it. He rammed a cop back into the cruiser he was exiting and then was shot at and finally pinned and arrested.

Anyhow, the point of this story. When the cop related the story to a reporter, I was amazed at his choice of words. He said that when they sighted the vehicle, the police "initiated a suspect apprehension pursuit." Huh? I guess they don't want to call them police chases anymore. "Suspect apprehension pursuit" does have that "sanitation technician" ring to it.

Edit: Maybe we could post a few alternative titles for occupations. To get the list started, I nominate this one:

Merchandise Transportation Technician: truck driver

02-13-2007, 08:07 PM
Domestic Engineering Supervisor, wife
Domestic Engineering Technician, me

02-14-2007, 12:16 AM
I'll have to pull out my old resume from when I got out of the army. They came up with some colorful titles of job descriptions when all that was really needed was "grunt".

02-14-2007, 04:21 PM
My all-time favorite: Custodial Technician (janitor)

02-14-2007, 07:44 PM
professional coatings expert = painter http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

02-14-2007, 09:26 PM
academic student=dumb****
apparently you cant boil milk in a teapot. i mean WTF? who wouldve guessed? and lighting your arm on fire is a better idea if you know how to put it out.

02-14-2007, 11:29 PM
I worked in a place where the porters didn't like to be called porters (it implied that they had to do some work or something). It was officially changed to 'site manager' (but everyone else still called them 'lazy b@st@rds'.

02-17-2007, 12:55 AM
According to my "official" new job title, I should be able to design a system or wiring for it for use aboard US Navy ships. I mean, a Field Service Engineer II should be able to go into the "field" and whip up a design print that satisfies all structural, electrical, watertight, stress and shock specifications, right? That's what engineers do, right? Design stuff?

In reality, I'm a Field Service TECHNICIAN (and even a real "technician") that pushes/prods/pulls miles of wire and terminates it properly to specs set out by REAL engineers. I know I should be ashamed of that and should fall to my knees in thanks for the job title bestowed upon me since it looks good on a resume, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

I don't know when it started, but this touchy-feely "let's raise their self esteem with a neat new job title" **** really has to stop. It's annoying, and it's not accurate. It's so out of hand that if I were a hiring manager, I'd not be able to correctly interpret a lot of American job titles put on resumes. I've already been tempted to go to my boss and ask for a raise since I'm an "engineer" instead of a technician, and I've only worked there 3 weeks. All for sarcastic purposes, of course. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Here are a few common American acronyms converted to new job titles for your amusement. I was only going to post the first one until I realized it was an acronym and they can be job titles too!

CRT (Currency Reception Technician) = cashier
WMD (Water Management Devotee) = plumber or EPA employee
ACT (Automobile Construction Technician) = assembly line worker (auto industry)
SAT (Satellite Acquisition Technician) = repair technician for GPS receivers
ATM (Automotive Telecommunications Master) = installation technician (car phones)
AIDS (Automotive Industrial Diagnostic Specialist) = QA guy/gal for new cars
SARS (Satellite Automotive Reception Specialist) = Onstar (or lo-jack) employee who tracks stolen cars
NRA (Nocturnal Recycling Artisan) = the folks who dumpster-dive for aluminum cans at night

02-17-2007, 01:21 AM
My Old Title:

United States Naval Aviation Ordanceman = Land Scaping Expert; Population Control Technician

My New Title:

Intermodal Transportation Load Planner = Contributor of Outsourcing our Economy to Foreign Nations; Chineese Industry Supporter

02-17-2007, 03:03 AM
Population Control Technician

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Guess I could describe my Navy career the same way since I was the trigger man for quite a few years.

02-17-2007, 03:26 AM
Yep, we had two slogans there on the ole' birdfarm:

1. We are Aviation Ordnanceman. We specialize in land scaping and population control. Millions served world-wide!

2. If you see me running... try to keep up!

02-17-2007, 09:32 AM
My favorite is Combat Egg Welder - Army Chef

02-17-2007, 02:32 PM
Originally posted by AO1_AW_SW_USN:
2. If you see me running... try to keep up!

A squadmate of mine is part of an RAAF bomb disposal unit. He says 2 "famous last words" you hope to never hear on the job are "Oh shi...."

02-17-2007, 03:32 PM
......And then there's the little quip from my previous profession:

"Mechanical Engineers design Weapons: .........Civil Engineers design Targets!" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/icon_twisted.gif


02-17-2007, 08:30 PM
I suspect that the corporate rulers began this to try to make us feel better about not paying us a decent wage. Wal Mart calls it employees "associates" as if they were affiliates of a law firm. Sure, pay 'em a minimum wage job but give them a high sounding title. Sheehit I remember a few years ago when my company gave all of us truck drivers brief cases and business cards. WTF was I supposed to do with them, look important? Head office BS.

02-17-2007, 09:17 PM
Originally posted by Goose_Green:
My favorite is Combat Egg Welder - Army Chef

This is no BS. In the US Navy, they changed the cooks rating title from MS (Mess Specialist) to CS (Culinary Specialist). I guess that they got tired of all the berating from the other rates about how nasty the chow is and wanted to sound more like professional chefs.

No matter what they're called, you will never be able to ditch the fact that we named their "Culinary Products" into names like Critter Fingers, Bug Juice, Sliders and Yukisoba.