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capt_frank
07-28-2007, 02:51 PM
HOW TO TAKE A DUMP AT WORK


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
Convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate
Pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
Smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
Where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
Fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
Left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
Leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
Suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
Urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
Wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
Urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
Uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
Parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
Gun pace. This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
Happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
Bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
Hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
The bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
You have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
Someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
The smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with
The use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is
Damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
Bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
Around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
Bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band
Together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
Can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
Identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
Building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
Predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of
Your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the
Stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
Vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
Occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
Avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
Bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
Cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough
Is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
Potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will relieve
All doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
Bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when
Hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
A Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. (See CAMO-COUGH).

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
Splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
Around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
The mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
While on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
Empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part
Of life

capt_frank
07-28-2007, 02:51 PM
HOW TO TAKE A DUMP AT WORK


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
Convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate
Pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
Smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
Where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
Fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
Left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
Leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
Suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
Urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
Wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
Urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
Uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
Parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
Gun pace. This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
Happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
Bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
Hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
The bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
You have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
Someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
The smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with
The use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is
Damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
Bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
Around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
Bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band
Together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
Can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
Identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
Building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
Predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of
Your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the
Stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
Vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
Occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
Avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
Bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
Cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough
Is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
Potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will relieve
All doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
Bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when
Hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
A Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. (See CAMO-COUGH).

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
Splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
Around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
The mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
While on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
Empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part
Of life

carguy_
07-28-2007, 03:42 PM
Received my daily dose of LMAO thanks! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Brain32
07-28-2007, 04:06 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by carguy_:
Received my daily dose of LMAO thanks! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
Me too, this r0x http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif
BTW on my last job we were all "Out of the closet poopers" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Avont29
07-28-2007, 04:24 PM
uhh, did you make that up by yourself?

i dont get it, if you need to go to the bathroom jsut go to the bathroom, dont see how you can do it in 30 differnt ways

Stew278
07-28-2007, 04:28 PM
That's some funny sh*t

BrotherVoodoo
07-28-2007, 04:34 PM
LMAO!!!!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif Words to poop by!

ploughman
07-28-2007, 04:43 PM
Humorous indeed, but there needs to be one for the once a decade event of having some bloke crash into the stall next to you and have what can only be described as a 'baby.'

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

F16_Neo
07-28-2007, 04:52 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif great thread
If I happen 2 fart @ work - or party - I just say: Beat that, u n00bs! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
yes I is ddrunk lol

Hydra454
07-28-2007, 06:06 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by F16_Neo:
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif great thread
If I happen 2 fart @ work - or party - I just say: Beat that, u n00bs! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
yes I is ddrunk lol </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Is that a challenge http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif