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catmeister
05-27-2007, 08:25 PM
Post your WWII jokes here.

What do Nazis eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles!

WilhelmSchulz.
05-27-2007, 09:52 PM
"I want you to attack that bunker"

Stingray-65
05-28-2007, 09:53 AM
Originally posted by WilhelmSchulz.:
"I want you to attack that bunker"
Best "grunt" one-liner ever!
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/metal.gif
*Grabs towel to clean coffee off monitor* http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Kaleun1961
05-28-2007, 01:18 PM
Not really a joke, more of an observation. During the slogging in Normandy, as the Allies tried to expand and break out of the beach head, the American fliers acquired a reputation for dropping their bombs short of the target and thus hitting their own troops. I read this in one of my books about the fighting around Normandy:

When the RAF comes over, the Germans duck.
When the Luftwaffe comes over, the British duck.
When the USAAF comes over, everybody ducks.

Another observation: the 3 worst things about the US soldiers in the UK:

The Yanks are overpaid, oversexed and over 'ere.

Celeon999
05-28-2007, 01:42 PM
Ok thats a stone old insider , so propably only Mittelwaechter will understand it. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


Major von Bülow and Major von Zitzewitz meet in the casino.

Von Bülow : "Where have you been yesterday?"
Von Zitzewitz : "Yesterday ?....theatre.."
Von Bülow : "And, what did you see ?"
Von Zitzewitz : "Strange thing! Stuff from Schiller! Civilian fires short range arrow weapon at fruit"

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Ok ok ....i see ... you didnt get it..... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif

VikingGrandad
05-28-2007, 02:35 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/10.gif
Errr... something to do with William Tell? (shooting arrow at fruit)

Celeon999
05-28-2007, 02:44 PM
Originally posted by VikingGrandad:
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/10.gif
Errr... something to do with William Tell? (shooting arrow at fruit)


http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Karl_Donitz_Jr
05-28-2007, 02:49 PM
Stares blankly at Celeon999

Blinks

Shrugs

Waits for Celeon999 to explain it


Gets bored waiting and walks off

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

<--- Did NOT get that Celeon999, mind you, I tend not to get alot of jokes http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif Mind you, alot of people don't get mine either!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/winky.gif

geoffwessex
05-28-2007, 03:41 PM
General to Private: "Have you come here to die?"

Private to General: "No sir, I came here yester-die!"

Kaleun1961
05-28-2007, 05:47 PM
Ok, here is one; don't know if it was told during WW2, but it is set during WW2. Perhaps it was inspired by the account of legless RAF fighter pilot Douglas Bader?

A British flier is shot down over German-occupied France. He survives his combat but seriously injured. The German doctor has to amputate one of his legs. The British flier asks the doctor, "After you take off my leg, can you have one of your bombers drop it over England on their next raid?" The doctor thinks this a strange request but agrees to it. A few days later, they have to amputate his other leg. The British flier makes the same request, and the Germans agree. Then they have to take off an arm, and the flier makes the same request. Again, the Germans comply and drop his arm over England. Finally, they have to amputate his other arm and the flier makes the same request. The camp Kommandant interjects: "Nein! Ve cannot do zis! Ve suspekt you are trying to escape!" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Bockholt
05-30-2007, 11:21 PM
I got the one about William Tell - & I like it. (He might also have been to Rossini's opera & made the same professional observation.)

Another GERMAN JOKE (rare, but good when they do appear), perhaps a variant on Kaleun's:

Germany, Spring 1945.
When a silver aeroplane flies over, it's American.
When there's a green 'plane, then it's British.
When there are no aircraft, that's the Luftwaffe.

Celeon999
05-31-2007, 02:54 AM
Another one ...


German troops reinforced by italian soldiers dig themselves a fixed position.

A german sargeant notices that one of the italian soldiers is digging deeper and deeper without rest...


Sargeant : "Luigi ? Your foxhole is nearly 3 meters deep, you wont be able to see the enemy in it !" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

Luigi smiles and says : "Ahh big boss'e am'e i curious ?" http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


And this one here

A plane with german paratroopers above Greece.

The instructor guides every single parachutist to the door and pushes him out. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

"Come on , come on , come on !" "We dont have time to mess around !" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif

"Out with you cowards!" "Come on ! The next one ! go go go!" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif

But one of them resists to jump by all means. He kicks punches and screams, tries to stem his legs against the doorframe. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-surprised.gif

"Out with you !" "We have no time for cowards !" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/winky.gif

At last, the instructor gives him a kick and he flies out of the door... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

The remaining parachutists start to laugh.. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

"You think that was funny or what ?" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif

"Funny ? , yes indeed sir.....that was the pilot" http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Glivenko
05-31-2007, 06:09 AM
Hi guys, can you help me plz.
I have this problem, i want to play SH3 in internet with others, but when I go to Multiplayer.. then - Play in Ubi.com , i cant see no servers, no players.. nothing.
Whats the problem http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

Stingray-65
05-31-2007, 10:14 AM
@ Kaleun1961 & Celeon999
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

I especially loved this one:
When the RAF comes over, the Germans duck.
When the Luftwaffe comes over, the British duck.
When the USAAF comes over, everybody ducks.
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

OK, here is a more modern one:
In Germany, an elderly man decides to go visit his daughter & her family over the weekend. During his stay, he notices that his 18 year old grandson spends the majority of his time either sleeping or in front of his computer. Becoming quite concerned, he decides to have a talk with him before he is to leave to go back home.
"You really should get out more often, play sports, make friends, travel... perhaps meet a lovely young girl."
The grandson doesn't seem to take much interest in this.
The grandfather proceeds to tell him about his own days as a young man.
"When I was your age, my friends and I went to Paris. During the day, we toured around, taking in all the beautiful sights. At night we would drink, sing, fondle the young maidens' breasts and pinch their behinds. Sometimes before we left, we would anger the bar-keeps by urinating along their bar. Ah, we had a wild time!"
The grandson looks astonished and perplexed.
They then bid their farewells and the grandfather announces that he shall come back in a few weeks and hopes that in the meantime he takes his advice to heart.

A few weeks later, the grandfather returns to find his grandson lying in bed with a broken arm, a broken nose, black eyes and multiple bruises.
"Good Lord! What happened to you!?" he asks.
"Well," says the grandson, "I thought about what you said and it indeed sounded like an adventure. So I decided to make the trip myself and follow in your footsteps."
The grandfather sighs "I see... and with whom did you go?"
"Alliance*" answers the grandson.
"Ah! That was your problem. When I went, it was with the SS!"


(* A travel agency that provides guided tours)

Foehammer-1
05-31-2007, 10:31 AM
Stingray, that was awesome! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Okay, here is mine.

This guy (in the modern days) comes up to a holy father at a church in England and says, "Father, I need to confess" The Father looks at him and replies, "Go ahead my son. I will do all I can to relieve any of your sins"

Guy: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic"
Father: "Well, I do not see anythign wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war"
Guy: "But Father, I collected rent from for every week that he stayed"
Father: "Well, that is not a good deed, but it was for a good cause, so that is fine."
Guy: "... but Father.... should I tell him the war is over?"

Celeon999
05-31-2007, 10:36 AM
Originally posted by Glivenko:
Hi guys, can you help me plz.
I have this problem, i want to play SH3 in internet with others, but when I go to Multiplayer.. then - Play in Ubi.com , i cant see no servers, no players.. nothing.
Whats the problem http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

I cant help you but maybe you should start a seperate thread in the community technical help forum.

In that case , i think you could also post a seperate thread into this forum. So more people can see it and maybe someone knows the answer to your problem. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


@ Foehammer


http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Stingray-65
05-31-2007, 10:46 AM
@ Foehammer
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/metal.gif

Kaleun1961
05-31-2007, 01:05 PM
In Berlin, in the spring of 1945, a reporter asks a German civilian what he thinks of Hitler. The civilian looks carefully about him, then says, "follow me." He leads the reporter down the street, around the corner and takes him inside a bombed out building. Once again looking around him to see if anyone was near, he finally replies, 'Actually, I kind of like the guy."

Celeon999
05-31-2007, 01:11 PM
On the wehrmacht sniping range :

The leutnant says to the feldwebel :

"That guy over there is pretty good" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

"Yes indeed, but i have a feeling that we should better check his personal background" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/shady.gif

"Why ?" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

"After every shot he carefully removes his fingerprints from the rifle" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/shady.gif

Stingray-65
05-31-2007, 02:01 PM
@ Celeon
That reminds me of something that happened to me recently... I was in a local gun shop & noticed an old Smith&Wesson Model 49 .38 revolver that appeared to be in very good condition. I asked an employee (a new guy I've not seen before) if I might have a look at it.

"Sure" he says as he gets the pistol out of the counter and hands it to me. I proceed to inspect it & not thinking about it, leave a few fingerprints on the bare metal.

"Oh, I'm sorry" I apologize when I realized what I had done, "I don't know what I was thinking! Do you have a gun cloth?"

The new guy looks puzzled, but proceeds to hand me one & I start wiping off my fingerprints. I then realize that he must suspect me of being a criminal! I was simply removing my fingerprints so they wouldn't begin to rust. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Jacob2739
05-31-2007, 02:33 PM
Originally posted by Stingray-65:
@ Celeon
That reminds me of something that happened to me recently... I was in a local gun shop & noticed an old Smith&Wesson Model 49 .38 revolver that appeared to be in very good condition. I asked an employee (a new guy I've not seen before) if I might have a look at it.

"Sure" he says as he gets the pistol out of the counter and hands it to me. I proceed to inspect it & not thinking about it, leave a few fingerprints on the bare metal.

"Oh, I'm sorry" I apologize when I realized what I had done, "I don't know what I was thinking! Do you have a gun cloth?"

The new guy looks puzzled, but proceeds to hand me one & I start wiping off my fingerprints. I then realize that he must suspect me of being a criminal! I was simply removing my fingerprints so they wouldn't begin to rust. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Keep him puzzled man! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Keep going in and ask to look at larger and larger guns...

Jacob

Bockholt
05-31-2007, 11:56 PM
It's Bank Holiday weekend and people are paddling in the sea off Margate in Kent. Suddenly a German U-Boat surfaces, the hatch opens and the Kaleun appears. He points his machine-gun at the startled holidaymakers and cries 'You must all surrender! You are now prisoners of Germany!'

A man shouts back 'But the war's been over for sixty years...'

'Has it? Who won?'

'We did.'

The Kaleun shouts down the hatch 'Willi! Take down the picture of the Kaiser!'

Stingray-65
06-01-2007, 07:51 AM
@ Bockholt
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif
Oh... that's great! Just when you're sure you know where its going, it twists & hits you again. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Messervy
06-01-2007, 08:56 AM
@ Bockholt
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

At least they were spared another disaster.

PhantomKira
06-05-2008, 08:07 PM
Thought I'd kick this to the top again.

A bunch, "borrowed" from various locations.



What's green and flys over Germany?
Snot-zis!



How to identify aircraft overhead

If its brown, its British.

If its silver, its American.

If there`s nothing there, its the Luftwaffe.

^^^ This last is real world, WWII


German definition of ideal war:German weapons,Russian winter equipment,British summer equipment,American rations,French entertainment tournees,Italians as foes and Finns guarding flanks.



German teacher asked a student to definite paradox.Student replied:when the second man of the third reich runs away first.(happened after Hess flew to England)



This is said to be excerpted from "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II," by Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, was a German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, and made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank.

Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

----------

(In 1944) How can you tell that soldiers in the eastern front are good friends? When soldier comes back from leave,his division has came backward 200km to meet him.

----------

Very old joke

This was English joke told in Africa
-When clock goes forward it goes tictac but when Rommel goes backwards it's tactic.

--------

The Brits used to say that the Americans were "overpaid, oversexed and over here." To which the American response was that the British were "underpaid, undersexed and under Eisenhower."

---------

June 1940 classified ad in the (German-occupied) Paris newspaper:

For sale, six hundred thousand French carbine rifles, never fired, dropped once. Best offer. Contact French gov't. if you can find us.

--------

What's got six reverse gears and one forward gear? A. An Italian tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind.

--------

Mannerheim, Hitler and Mussolini were having dinner in third floor of the restaurant somewhere in Berlin. During the dinner they started to argue about who have the bravest soldiers. Hitler said "German soldiers are the bravest in the world" To prove this he ordered german soldier who guarded the room to jump out of the window. Soldier hailed Hitler and jumped out. Mussolini did the same asking one of his bodyguards to do the same. Man shivered in fear but jumped anyway. Mannerheim didn't want to lose so he ordered one of his bodyguards to follow Italian and German soldier. Finnish soldier looked angry and responed "Why don't you f*cking do it yourself?". Then he walked out of the room. All agreed that Mannerheim was the winner of this "competition".

----------

Nazi party official is driving in countryside when he runs over a pig.He don't see anyone around ,so he goes to nearby bearhouse to find owner.He opens the door,makes nazisalute and shouts"heil Hitleras schwein ist tot".At first dead silence and then loud cheers and barowner says that drinks are on the house.

Celeon999
06-06-2008, 01:49 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

hueywolf123
06-06-2008, 06:33 AM
My Grandpa told me several jokes, but due to the language, I can't tell them here.
Sorry guys - forum rules

Mordrayn1964
04-25-2013, 07:54 PM
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum, where the patients all dutifully perform the German greeting. Suddenly, Hitler sees one man whose arm is not raised. "Why don't you greet me the same way as everyone else," he hisses at the man. The man answers: "My Führer, I'm an orderly. I'm not crazy!"
(One of the first measures implemented by the Nazis was making the "Hitler salute" mandatory in public buildings. Many citizens didn't feel comfortable with the bizarre gesture and this is reflected in numerous jokes.)

The true Aryan is as blond as Hitler, as slim as Göring and as tall as Goebbels.
(Many contemporary jokes center on the vanity and human weaknesses of the top brass, not on the fact that they were brutal killers.)

An adjutant bursts into Görings office: "The Reichstag is on fire!!". Göring checks his watch and says: "What, already?"
(There was a widespread suspicion that the Nazis themselves had set fire to the Reichstag parliament in order to be able to blame it on their opponents.)

Two men encounter one another on the street, and the first one says: "Nice to see you out again. How was in the concentration camp?"
The second men replies; "It was great. Mornings we got breakfast in bed, with our choice of freshly ground coffee or cocoa. We did some sports, and then there was a three-course lunch with soup, meat and dessert. After that we played some board games and took a nap. And after dinner, they showed movies."
The first man can't believe his ears. "Wow! And the lies they spread about the place. Recently I was talking to Meyer, who also spent some time there. He told me horror stories."
The second man nods seriously and says: "That's why he got sent back."
(Contrary what most Germans claimed after the war, many knew about the concentration camps as this widespread joke proves.)

[Hitler and Göring are standing atop the Berlin radio tower. Hitler says he wants to do something to put a smile on Berliners' faces. So Göring says: "Why don't you jump?"
(A factory worker, Marianne K., was executed for telling this joke. Her husband had been killed in Stalingrad.)

If Hitler, Göring and Goebbels were on a ship in a storm and the ship would sink, who would be saved? Answer: Germany.
(In the end, many Germans wished death to their leadership. Yet in this and other jokes it interestingly isn't a revolution that rids the people of the oppressors, but the forces of nature.)

What has gold in its mouth, silver in its hair and lead in its bones? A member of the Volkssturm.
(On September 25, 1944, Hitler was forced to call up a "Volkssturm," or "popular offensive." This pathetic militia consisted of Hitler Youths and of men up to sixty who had previous been deemed unfit for military service.)

Hitler asked Goebbels, "How is it that the Jewish shopkeepers outsell the Gentile ones?" Goebbels said, "Let me show you." They both put on disguises and went to a shop run by a Gentile. Goebbels said, "I'd like a dozen left-handed teacups, please." The shopkeeper said, "Left handed teacups? Sorry, I've never heard of such a thing."

So they went to a shop run by a Jew. Goebbels said, "I'd like a dozen left handed teacups, please." The shopkeeper said, "Why, you're in luck. We got a shipment of left handed teacups just this morning." He wrapped up a dozen teacups and rang up the sale. As they left, Goebbels asked Hitler, "See what I mean?" Hitler replied, "Why, it was just luck. He said himselt they got those left handed teacups just this morning."

Two Paris natives met on near the Arc de Triomphe.

"Did you hear the latest, Pierre?" asked the first. "On the Rue de Clancy at 9:20 pm, a Jew killed a member of the Schutzstaffel, cut him open, and ate his heart and liver."

"Impossible, Jacques." said the second. Impossible in three ways;
01) SS men have no hearts
02) Jews will not eat pork to save their lives.
03) At 9:20 pm, everyone in Paris is listening to BBC Worldwide!"

Nazi Germany,
A judge walks out of his chambers laughing really loud.
A colleague asks why he is laughing.
--"I just heard the funniest joke in the world!"
--"Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge.
"I can't - I just sent a guy to a konzlager for it.

A German POW in a Russian prison camp, arguing with a guard about which country was the most scientifically advanced...
Guard: One of our soldiers was blinded in combat, so the doctors gave him two glass eyes, and now he can see better than ever!
Prisoner: Oh, that's nothing! One of our soldiers lost a hand, so the doctors sewed a cow's udder onto his wrist, and his new hand works perfectly.
Guard: What? That's ridiculous! Who has ever seen such a thing?
Prisoner: Your man with the glass eyes!



A German general defending occupied Normandy asked what forces he would command. He was told that he had some regular German troops as well as some Russian turncoats who had defected to Germany and these would serve as auxiliaries. He asked, "If we expect the Russians to fight the Americans to keep the British from taking France away from Germany, aren't we asking rather a lot?"


Q: Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? A: Germans like to march in the shade.


Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? A: They give them gas.

Q: What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"? A: Vee haf vays to make you tock
Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? A: First, invade ze kitchen.

Hitler ist unterwegs. Das Auto rast an einem Bauernhof vorbei. Da springt ein Schwein auf die Straße. Der Fahrer kann nicht mehr bremsen. Das Schwein stirbt. Hitler befiehlt seinem Fahrer, zum Hof zu gehen und es dem Bauern zu sagen. Der Fahrer sagt zum Bauern: "Ich bin der Fahrer unseres Führers! Das Schwein ist tot!"

Hitler unterhält sich auf einem Frontbesuch mit einem einfachen Soldaten. Hitler fragt: "Kamerad, was wünscht Du Dir, wenn Du an vorderster Front im Granathagel stehst?" Der Soldat antwortet: "Dass Sie, mein Führer, neben mir stehen!"

Mordrayn1964
04-25-2013, 07:59 PM
Three women – a German, a Jew and a Pole – all gave birth to seven pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn’t tell which baby belonged to which mother.
After an hour of mass confusion the father of the German baby decided he would settle the problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row. He then clicked his heels, raised his arm in a salute and shouted, “Heil Hitler!”
The German baby snapped to attention, the Jewish baby **** it’s pants and the polish baby played in it!

Why did Hitler kill himself?
The Jews sent him a gas bill!