View Full Version : Noob Patrol #3 (now with pics)

06-14-2005, 02:23 PM
~A lone U-Boat Captain fighting a battle of wits in the Atlantic... completely unarmed~

Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Captain J. Smitlack

Shore Leave
October 17 - November 13, 1939

I manage to drag myself out of bed and off the boat. A shower and a shave later and I'm on the train to Cherbourg France. There seems to be an awful lot of activity going on in the cities and country side of the snail eaters. Almost like they were mobilizing for something big. I have plenty of time to ponder what it might be. Once off the train in Cherbourg I hop a ferry across the Channel to England. I've always wanted to see London and since I have almost a month off I might as well take advantage of it.

I arrive at night and the next day I catch the changing of the guard at Buckingham palace. The British Guards have so much focus it is hard not to be impressed. I pick out a short one and start to make fun of him and his hat. He has so much concentration he does not even flinch. I find that you can do almost anything, except insult their mothers, and they will remain as ridged as a statue. After I take a rifle butt to the skull I decide to check out Picadilly Circus. On my last night in London I buy a small camera across from 10 Downing Street at the "Owed By So Many To So Few Camera Shop". It is not until I get back to Germany that I realize all the instructions are in English... oh well.

I arrive back in Wilhelmshaven and spend the rest of my leave as drunk as a boiled owl with the crew. I am asked to report and am told that I can take over a new command of a Type IID. I explain that U-1 may smell like my first officer's sea bag but she is my boat. It would almost seem like kissing my sister to take another boat... almost. No one on my crew wants to assume the position of First Officer. A humble bunch I sail with. I decide to sail without a first officer. Our area of patrol is AN 44. We load three Type-I torpedoes and two Type-II the electric torpedoes. Water and electricity what genuis thought that up?

November 14, 1939
12:29 A day departure for a change. We head out slow and steam through the harbor at 1/3 ahead. As I sit down to a late lunch I have a feeling that we are heading out on a patrol that will make history.

U-Boat Menu (11/14/39)
Cream Corn
Peanut Brittle

15:45 We make the final turn to the north west and open up to standard for the run to our patrol grid.

November 15, 1939

00:35 Spot a lone Nazi Trawler just off the starboard bow, it seems to be coming towards us.


00:39 While down below consulting the Marine Navigation Manual to determine which vessel should give way to the other, a U-boat or a trawler, we colide with the trawler causing damage to U-1. I arrive top side in time to see the Trawler slip below the surface of the water. I dispatch a damage crew to the deck to make repairs.

00:40 We return to our original plotted course. I turn off the radio and tell the crew to sail casually.

00:44 Damage to the deck repaired.

00:49 Contact Log thrown overboard.

U-Boat Menu (11/15/39)
Cream Corn
Peanut Brittle

We continue across the surface in calm waters. One of my crew comments that it is an Indian summer. I tell him its fall and there are no indians anywhere. It is warm though for November though.

November 16-17, 1939

U-Boat Menu (11/16 - 11/17/39)
Cream Corn
Peanut Brittle

The crew falls into a routine that seems to dominate life on a U-Boat.

18:22 The wind picks up a bit causing a slight swell on what has otherwise been a glassy sea.

21:42 U-1 arrives at AN-44. I set up a patterned search and go to bed.

November 18, 1939

02:00 Over an early breakfast of creamed corn the tossing of the boat finally breaks me down. I make a run to the head. Four days on a diet of cream corn and peanut brittle, when you take into account the swaying of the boat, does weird things in the body. I spend the next two and half hours firing both bow and stern torpedoes. A typeIIA may only have bow torpedo tubes but this U-boat captain has both bow and stern.

04:34 Upon opening the door to the head the Machinist Mate happens to catch a whiff of the air and runs aft towards the electric motors screaming something about an acid leak in the battery compartment giving off toxic fumes. I close the door to the head and corner the cook in the galley.

"What moron told you to serve only creamed corn and peanut brittle," I ask the cook with menace in my voice.

"You did," he responds. "We were in the bar at Wilhelmshaven and you told me to load that and only that. You threatned to shoot me if I tried to load anything else aboard."

"Cream corn and peanut brittle?"

"You said it was the two great tastes that go great together." I give him a skeptical look while making a mental note to lay of the Schnapps the next time we're in port. To punish the cook I promote him to First Officer. His face grows white and he begins crying. I tell him to go into the head and take some time to regain his composure. He's a naval officer now and I expect him to act like one.

05:30 We submerge and get intermittant sound contacts from the north east. We come about as I try to determine the other boat's intended course.

06:23 Spot a small merchant traveling fast at 8 knots a long ways off. I track how long it takes us to close a hundred meters and how much he travels across the horizon in that time. It takes about 35 seconds and he moves about 4 degrees to port across the horizon. I lower the periscope and turn 12 degrees to port as I count off 2 minutes and twenty seconds before I raise the periscope again. The merchant is right where she is supposed to be. I plot a solution and fire a single Type-I torp. We have a premature detonation a hundred yards from the boat that shoots a huge geyser of water into the air announcing our presense to the world. The medic assures me that this happens to a lot of guys and not to worry about it.

I open tube two and prepare to fire the Type-II. Once I have a solution I fire. The Type-II slams into the side of the merchant with a resounding gong but no explosion. I spend the next three hours cursing up a storm before returning to bed for what I hope will be several days of uninterrupted sleep.

09:52 The First Officer (cook II) is found dead in the head (I was a poet and I didn't even know it) The smell from the head is overpowering. I blame the smell on the body and after appointing a new First Officer, I order new Number One to throw old Number One (cook II) over the side. Fearful, probably over what the crew calls recieving the kiss of death, my new Number One forgets to attach his saftey line. A rogue wave sweeps him off the tower... and he is never seen again. Actually that is not entirely true. I do spot him a short time later treading water off the starboard side but its such a hassle to turn the boat so I order we submerge instead.

The Hydrofone operator reports a strange thrashing sound off to starboard, that is of course until I threaten to promote him to First Officer. He reports no sounds and no contacts. We surface fifteen minutes later.

10:59 We spot a neutral Norweign Coastal Merchant and let him pass, from the deck they point and laugh at us calling us unwashed Bavarian Cream Pies. I spend most of the rest of the day in bed.

21:51 Our patrol of AN-44 almost complete we spot a Hunt I Destroyer and submerge. We fire a Type-I torpedo at the DD but we miss anouncing our presence once again to the world. Some silent hunter we are.


We slink away to the West towards Britain, our patrol of AN 44 over and unproductive.

November 19, 1939

U-Boat Menu (11/19/39)
Das Boot (The boot) Leather Stew
Creamed Corn and Peanut Brittle Loaf

02:13 In the darkness we spot a trawler in the distance in medium swells. I am unable to make out the type. I suspect British but can not be sure. We slip away on the surface.

06:26 We spot another trawler this one is certainly British but we let it slip away. We only have two torpedoes left and I want to make them count.

07:30 We spot a Merchant Vessel worthy of investigating. We close on the ship across.

07:56 After losing patience I plot a solution and let a Type-II go when we reach 3000 meters.

08:00 I give up hope, the chronometer long since run out, thinking this patrol is going to be a bust (except of course for the Nazi Trawler we sank on our way out of Wilhelmshaven) suspecting the entire crew of sabotage I am preparing to promote them all the First Officers, when... SUCCESS! Torpedo Impact. My first successful surface attack. I give the entire crew a double ration of peanut brittle. We all crunch away merrily.



13:00 The Engine Crew report a Pink Bunny with a Bass Drum running around in the battery compartment. I suspect that the Diesel fumes have gotten to them and confine them all to the aft quarters. I assign a new engine crew and we sail on.

November 20, 1939
We move closer to the coast of the Lion just South of Scapa Flow.

03:06 Spot a Hunt-I DD and submerge. We play hide and seek for over an hour but U-1 is unable to get into a firing position. We get strong hydrofone readings in all directions and spot several armed trawlers.

04:22 It is much to difficult to continue towards the coast. U-1 turns to the East and we surface running at flank speed across the water.

U-Boat Menu (11/20/39)
Pink Bunny Fricassee with a peanut brittle garnish
Cream Corn Marmalade

11:28 Spot a C Class DD just off our starboard aft quarter. While turning the boat I briefly consider a boarding party but then realize that we are U-boat men and not pirates. I decide to see what our last torpedo will do to it even though it is only a type-I. We submerge and I plot an intercept course, we drop to ahead slow and close on the DD.

11:45 Fire our last torpedo at the C Class.

11:46 Torpedo Impact right in the fuel bunker.


A pool of oil quickly surrounds the ship and burns with a fiery intensity she goes down fast.

We steam towards Wilhelmshaven another successful patrol under our belts. A number of seagulls show up and I decide to let the crew get in some much needed flak gun practice.

November 21, 1939

U-Boat Menu (11/21/39)
Sauteed Seagull in sal****er
Cream Corn
Peanut Brittle

November 22, 1939

U-Boat Menu (11/22/39)
Diesel Engine cooked rat stuffed with Cough Drops
Cream Corn
Peanut Brittle

November 23, 1939

U-Boat Menu (11/23/39)
First Officer's Liver with some Fava Beans and a nice Chianti
(Cook's note Peanut Brittle will be substituted for Fava Beans and Cream Corn will be substituted for a nice Chianti)

11:15 We arrive back in Wilhelmshaven. I've never been so happy to be back in port. Through my binoculars, along the pier, I notice we have U-Boat groupies now. I bust out my coolest air guitar routines on deck, that I've been practicing the whole patrol, as we tie up to the dock. The groupies love it.


After I report in I am awarded the Knights Cross along with the U-Boat Front Clasp. As if that wasn't enough I am also sworn in the a very exclusive club the 00K club. An organization of Officers who have not sunk a combined total of 100 tons, or even close to that, after three patrols. We drink well into the night celebrating our mediocrity. One more patrol and I get a choice of a free toaster or whats in the box.


I hope you enjoy the latest installment. The support has been overwhelming. Thanks to UBI Soft for creating such a fun and immersive experience with Silent Hunter III and as always thanks to all of you who take the time to read the adventures of Captain J. Smitlack.

06-14-2005, 02:45 PM
I love it! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/heart.gif
Joseph Heller meets Cpt Blackadder. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

06-14-2005, 03:13 PM
I gotta quit reading this at work....they are looking at me like im losing my mind...great work....I enjoy them very much...thanks..

Yen Lo
06-14-2005, 06:23 PM
Why dont recruit more women for your crew? like that movie Yellowbeard, with Lt. Prostitute.

06-14-2005, 08:22 PM
Incredible! I love it. Even the wife is reading the stories now.

06-15-2005, 05:25 AM
Great chuckle at number 1 thrashing about in the water and deciding to submerge as turning the boat is a pain. Funny stuff.

06-15-2005, 05:41 AM
Just finished choking on my lunchtime sandwich!


06-15-2005, 09:18 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif HOLY cow! They need to make a movie out of this (like the movie "Down Periscope" which wouldnt hold a candle to your stuff Psychfilm)!!!

Where do you think of this s#%t?!? Creamed corn and Peanut Brittle? The Pink bunny? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

06-17-2005, 12:21 PM
This is the single best post that this forum has!!
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif