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Choctaw111
09-06-2007, 10:23 AM
I have two clean ones.

Two hats are on a hat rack. One says to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on ahead."


Did you hear about the belt that got arrested? It got arrested for holding up a pair of pants!

John_Pimlott
09-06-2007, 10:34 AM
A chap goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

John_Pimlott
09-06-2007, 10:39 AM
There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me... all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you..."
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now, Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other, and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar..."

DuxCorvan
09-06-2007, 10:42 AM
Didn't get it. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
----
Another one:

"Doctor, my wife is fat as a cow. What can I do?"

"Tell her to walk 10 km. every day and in a month..."

"...she will have lost a lot of weight, is that?"

"No. In a month... she'll be 300 km. away."
----

More:

"Do you know Anselm is dead?"
"Yikes! How? Was he ill?"
"Cataracts."
"A failure during operation?"
"No, they pushed him."

----

More:

A man enters in a piano bar and asks a glass of whiskey. Suddenly a monkey appears and put his b*lls inside the glass of whiskey.
Angry and astonished, the guy asks the waiter:
"Why is there a monkey here putting his... things in my whiskey?"
"Ask the pianist. He's the owner of the monkey."
So he gets by the pianists and asks him:
"Do you know why the monkey put his b*lls in my whiskey?"
"No, I don't know that. But I can play 'As Time Goes By'."

----
"MOMMY! I HAVE SWALLOWED A LOUDSPEAKERRR!"
"don't worry, son. I have swallowed a record player, and nothing happened... nothing happened... nothing happened... nothing happened.."

----

"Doctor, my right leg aches."
"That's because of the age."
"The left one is the same age and it doesn't ache!"

----

"Don Jenaro, how do you do to look so young?"
"I have never arguments with anybody"
"I don't think is because of that"
"Yeah, neither do I."

-----

BrotherVoodoo
09-06-2007, 11:07 AM
You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...


... your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"

... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."

... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.

... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

Doug_Thompson
09-06-2007, 11:19 AM
There was a fishing town in Washington state whose fisherfolk were noted for their frugal ways.

One day, one of the town's leading citizens dies. His widow decides he deserves an obituary. She goes to the newspaper in the local county seat and is appalled to learn that there is a charge for such things. How much, she asks. Twenty-five cents a word, she's told. She reaches in her purse, pulls out a 50-cent piece and orders the obituary: "Sven's dead." Notice the use of the apostrophe.

The clerk tells his editor, the editor tells the managing editor and the managing editor tells the publisher, who says: "That's ridiculous. Sven Olsen was a pillar of the community, a church elder and former city council member. Run this: 'Sven Olsen Dies. Community grieves,' at no extra charge."

That's a fine gesture, the managing editor replied, but shouldn't we let the widow choose the wording? The publisher agreed: five words, no extra charge.

The obituary appeared the next day: "Sven's dead. Boat for sale."

Doug_Thompson
09-06-2007, 11:20 AM
To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

ochi
09-06-2007, 11:22 AM
Two ropes walk into a bar. The first rope goes up to the bartender and say "I'd like a beer". The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here". The second rope goes up to the bartender and says "I'd like a beer". The bartender says "I told your friend, we don't serve your kind here". The third rope sees what happens to the first two so he ties himself in a knot and undoes one of his ends then goes up to the bartender and say 'I'd like a beer". The bartender looks at him and says "wern't you with those two ropes?", and the third rope replies "No, i'm afraid not"

DuxCorvan
09-06-2007, 11:32 AM
Two stupid men meet in the middle of the jungle. One carries a phone box. The other one, a heavy anvil.
"What's the phone box for?"
"It's because of the lions. If I see one, I get inside the box, and the lion can't catch me. And what's the anvil for?"
"Also because of the lions. If I see one, I drop it, and can run faster."

spacefrogs
09-06-2007, 11:50 AM
"....and now the last question Mr Brown: With whom would you like to spend the night with?
A. Your wife
B. "
Mr Brown- "B"

Breeze147
09-06-2007, 12:29 PM
Originally posted by John_Pimlott:
A chap goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

I guess you had to be there. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

MEGILE
09-06-2007, 12:32 PM
What do you call a sheep with no legs.

Breeze147
09-06-2007, 12:35 PM
Originally posted by Megile:
What do you call a sheep with no legs.

Doggy.

Monterey13
09-06-2007, 12:44 PM
Originally posted by Megile:
What do you call a sheep with no legs.

Honey

Scharnhorst1943
09-06-2007, 01:00 PM
There are two engineering stundents walking to class, talking. One of them is pushing a really nice bike. So the one asks the other, "That is a really nice bike, where did you get it?"

"Well, I was walking to class one day and this really hot girl rode up to me on this bike, threw it down, stripped all her clothes off and said,'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."

"That was probably the best choice," the other one replied. "Her clothes would not have fit you."

Kazimierz.
09-06-2007, 01:58 PM
A chap came up to me in the street offering to sell me 8 legs of venison for 50
I thought it was too dear.

Viper2005_
09-06-2007, 04:32 PM
Originally posted by Scharnhorst1943:
There are two engineering stundents walking to class, talking. One of them is pushing a really nice bike. So the one asks the other, "That is a really nice bike, where did you get it?"

"Well, I was walking to class one day and this really hot girl rode up to me on this bike, threw it down, stripped all her clothes off and said,'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."

"That was probably the best choice," the other one replied. "Her clothes would not have fit you."

Amusing, but spectacularly unlikely. The engineering student would have collapsed from shock long before any form of decision making process was required, since not only would making first contact with an alien species be surprising in and of itself, but when combined with the idea that inter-stellar travel should be possible by bicycle, well frankly words cannot describe!

R_Target
09-06-2007, 04:55 PM
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says "Gimmee a ham sandwich." The bartender says "We don't serve food here."

turnipkiller
09-06-2007, 05:11 PM
A ship that this man is traveling on sails into a horrible storm and is sunk. He is washed ashore on an island. Over the next few days he manages to salvage things that wash ashore. He finds the island is totally uninhabited, save for himself, a pig and a dog that were also on the ship.
After a few years of living he is adapted fine to island life, but misses the touch of a woman. He is sitting at his camp one day, and gets to looking at the pig. He figures no one is around, who will ever know, so he grabs the pig by it's hind legs. As soon as he does this, the pig starts squealing and the dog starts barking at him and chases him away. That night, the man sneaks back to the camp and sees the pig and dog are both sleeping. He tiptoes to the pig grabs it, but again it starts squealing. This time the dog chases him all the way to the beach.
The man walks along the beach, dejected but also somewhat grateful to the dog for not allowing him to become a freak to satisfy his urges. As he walks along, he sees something floating in the water. He swims out and finds a person floating on a small piece of wreckage. He tows the person back to shore and sees it is a most beautiful woman. She is unconscious so he revives her.
When she comes to, she sees him and immediately cries "Oh sir, you have saved my life. I have been marooned on an island just like this, and I made a raft to escape, but a storm destroyed it. I am so grateful for your saving my life, I will do anything to repay you!" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/winky.gif
The man smiles and says, "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

XyZspineZyX
09-06-2007, 05:14 PM
A guy is in a bad car wreck. The ambulance takes him to the doctor

"Doc", he says, "I'm in bad shape. Everywhere I can touch, hurts!"

the doctor says, "show me"

So the guy does it. He touches here, "Ow", touches there, "Ow"

The doctor looks puzzled and he touches the guy in the same spots. The guy doesn't make a sound.

"Get up off that gurney", the doc says, "I'll get you a splint and some bandages. meanwhile, take these aspirin"

"Tell it to me straight doc, is it bad??"

"No", says the doctor. "But you broke your finger"


_______________


What's green and invisible?


this cantaloupe

general_kalle
09-07-2007, 12:52 AM
The man smiles and says, "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

hehe. that was a good one.


3 Officers were walking down river when they wanted to cross it.

the 1. officer found a piece of wood and with much truble he maneges to cross the stream heavily exausted and all wet.

the 2. officer
saw the first one and found a bathtup and crossed the river, less wet but still heavily exausted.

the 3 officer ripped off his stripes so he now was a Sergent.
took a quick glance at the map and walked 200 meters down the river and crossed the brigde.

i have heard this one somewhere else on the net an i just wrote from what i remember.

Feathered_IV
09-07-2007, 03:35 AM
A penguin takes his car to a mechanic.

The mechanic pops the hood and after a minute says, "This may take a while. go have a beer or something and come back in an hour."

The penguin goes away but thinks to himself, "I'm a penguin - I don't drink beer. Never mind... I'll go get an icecream instead."

So the penguin buys himself an icecream. But not having proper hands he can't hold it very well, and drops most of the icecream down his front. He tries to wipe it off but this only makes things worse.

After an hour he goes back to the mechanic who is still messing around under the bonnet. He looks up as the penguin approaches and shakes his head. "Looks like you've blown a seal." He says.

"No," says the penguin. "I've just had an icecream."

hotspace
09-07-2007, 05:39 AM
I'll get banned for the but I'll make it a bit more polite http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Family of prostitutes talking. Daughter says I got 50 for performing oral sex on a man today. The mother said it was 5 in my day. Gran said in my day we were just glad of the warm drink http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

So how long will the ban last http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Kettenhunde
09-07-2007, 05:48 AM
The engineering student would have collapsed from shock long before any form of decision making process was required, since not only would making first contact with an alien species be surprising in and of itself, but when combined with the idea that inter-stellar travel should be possible by bicycle, well frankly words cannot describe!

Viper,

Certainly you are correct for the student.

However for the employed Engineer this scenario:


this really hot girl rode up to me on this bike, threw it down, stripped all her clothes off and said,'Take what you want.'

is just commonplace.

All the best,

Crumpp

Breeze147
09-07-2007, 06:22 AM
Originally posted by Viper2005_:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Scharnhorst1943:
There are two engineering stundents walking to class, talking. One of them is pushing a really nice bike. So the one asks the other, "That is a really nice bike, where did you get it?"

"Well, I was walking to class one day and this really hot girl rode up to me on this bike, threw it down, stripped all her clothes off and said,'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."

"That was probably the best choice," the other one replied. "Her clothes would not have fit you."

Amusing, but spectacularly unlikely. The engineering student would have collapsed from shock long before any form of decision making process was required, since not only would making first contact with an alien species be surprising in and of itself, but when combined with the idea that inter-stellar travel should be possible by bicycle, well frankly words cannot describe! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
No way. The engineer would have spent weeks concocting drawings, plans and specs for a bicycle and then give them to a tech to build.

The tech would take one look, call the engineer a dumba$$, do some research, find the girl, ask her to go out for a drink and then take her home and (have relations) with her.

Can anyone guess my profession?

steve_v
09-07-2007, 06:30 AM
Only an Italian man can make a woman feel like a woman

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own pe ril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time.

No one moves.
.......He removes his shirt.
.......Muscles ripple across his chest.
.......She gasps...
.......and He says......

"Iron this, and get me something to eat ..."



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/The_Presz/attachment.gif

Breeze147
09-07-2007, 06:32 AM
Originally posted by steve_v:
Only an Italian man can make a woman feel like a woman

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own pe ril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time.

No one moves.
.......He removes his shirt.
.......Muscles ripple across his chest.
.......She gasps...
.......and He says......

"Iron this, and get me something to eat ..."



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/The_Presz/attachment.gif

ROFL http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Monterey13
09-07-2007, 06:45 AM
Subject: The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting

woman walks into WalMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities

at them all the way through the entrance.The WalMart Greeter says, "Good

morning and welcome to Walmart .... Nice children you've got there - are they

twins?"The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say,

"Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger

one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you

really think they look alike?""No", replies the greeter, "I just

couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Monterey13
09-07-2007, 06:48 AM
Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys
is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard
look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this
mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my arms
and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt looks like a
, deflated version of the Hindenburg!" She turns to face her
husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my
body, so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment, and
says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with
your eyesight."

Services for Harvey will be held 10:30 am on Tuesday
at the First Methodist Church.

Growing old doesn't mean you grow wise!

Ernst_Rohr
09-07-2007, 09:08 AM
A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how can I make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

SUPERAEREO
09-07-2007, 09:36 AM
Old one but I like it:

A man was sitting in a bar in the penthouse of a 17-story high rise hotel. Another man sat down beside him obviously very drunk.The drunk man says to the other man, "Bet you I could jump out the window and the wind will carry me back up to here before I hit the ground! The man wanted nothing to do with this and simply ignored him. After a while the drunk man finally wore him down..."Look you go jump out that window and Ill sit here and drink my beer,ok?" the man yelled. "you got it, fifty bucks and a beer!" said the drunk,"Whatever, just leave me alone!!!".So the drunk opens the window and runs and jumps out!.....The man was astounded! He ran to the window yelling,"I cant believe he did it!!!"...He waited a few seconds and sure
enough the drunk man came flying right back into the window!"Holy cow!!" said the man "Thats the most amazing thing Ive ever seen!!! Ive got to try this!"So he gave the drunk man the $50 and the beer and ran and threw himself out the window! As he was falling all he could think about was how exciting it will be to feel himself fly back up to the window.....SPLAT!!!!! He hit the ground! Back up in the window the drunk was shaking his head. He walked back to the bar. The bartender came over and glared at him while he drank his beer and said, "You are a real ******* when you're drunk Superman!"

Viper2005_
09-07-2007, 10:23 AM
Originally posted by Kettenhunde:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">The engineering student would have collapsed from shock long before any form of decision making process was required, since not only would making first contact with an alien species be surprising in and of itself, but when combined with the idea that inter-stellar travel should be possible by bicycle, well frankly words cannot describe!

Viper,

Certainly you are correct for the student.

However for the employed Engineer this scenario:


this really hot girl rode up to me on this bike, threw it down, stripped all her clothes off and said,'Take what you want.'

is just commonplace.

All the best,

Crumpp </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

And yet you still find the time to post here... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/354.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

omega_max
09-07-2007, 10:27 AM
Originally posted by Viper2005_:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Scharnhorst1943:
There are two engineering stundents walking to class, talking. One of them is pushing a really nice bike. So the one asks the other, "That is a really nice bike, where did you get it?"

"Well, I was walking to class one day and this really hot girl rode up to me on this bike, threw it down, stripped all her clothes off and said,'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."

"That was probably the best choice," the other one replied. "Her clothes would not have fit you."

Amusing, but spectacularly unlikely. The engineering student would have collapsed from shock long before any form of decision making process was required, since not only would making first contact with an alien species be surprising in and of itself, but when combined with the idea that inter-stellar travel should be possible by bicycle, well frankly words cannot describe! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'll raise your engineering nerdiness with this:

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b108/omega_max/story2.gif

Regards

omega_max (on HL as Stoff)

Viper2005_
09-07-2007, 11:05 AM
Ok, well in that case I am forced to turn to the great Tom Lehrer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzVSXEu0bqI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfZWyUXn3So

DuxCorvan
09-07-2007, 01:12 PM
Well, some afterlife jokes:

1) Three men meet at the gates of heaven. They've just died. While they wait for St. Peter, they tell each other how they died.

-"Well" -tells the first one- "I got back home earlier than ever, and I find my wife naked in the bed. She was obviously cheating me. I was mad, looking for a man in the house, when I saw some guy peeping from outside the kitchen window and trying to hide from me. I was so angry, that I took a heavy fridge and threw it at the guy in the window. Unfortunately, my jacket got trapped in the fridge handle and I went out the window with fridge and all... I died in the fall."

-"Well" -tells the second guy- "I'm a window cleaner. I was cleaning a window, when suddenly an all enraged man comes from the inside carrying a fridge and throws it at me! I fell and the fridge crushed me..."

-"OK" -tells the third- "I was naked hiding inside a fridge..."

-----

2) A German guy dies and, as he's been a bad man, goes to h*ll. There he finds a lot of doors and queues of people waiting in line. After asking a demon, he gets instructed:

-"You see, you're going to be punished for all eternity, but you can decide the way of your punishment. Here the different h*lls are divided by nationality, but you can choose the one you prefer, after hearing the kind of pains that are inflicted in them".

-"Ah, OK"- thinks the guy, and, logically, tries first with the German h*ll. He is surprised to find very few people waiting to enter. He asks the last in the line:
-"What are the punishments here?"
-"Oh, well, first you're toasted in an electric chair for a thousand years, then you're tied to a bed of nails for another thousand, and finally the German demon whips you every day for a thousand more, and after that, it all begins again."
-"Wow, that's terrible. I think I'll try other h*lls before."

And he comes and goes asking people of different nationalities in all the h*lls of the world, surprised to find few people, and always with the same answer: the electric chair, the nails, the whipping.

Finally he gets to the Spanish h*ll, and he's astonished to see LOTS of people waiting. Full of hope he asks the last in the line for the punishments:
-"You're toasted in an electric chair for a thousand years, then you're tied to a bed of nails for another thousand, and finally the Spanish demon whips you every day for a thousand more, and after that, it all starts anew."
-"But it's the same sh*t than the others! Why so many people here?"
-"Well, the electricity's been cut for unpaid bills, the nails of the bed have been long stolen, and the Spanish demon comes, signs his turn, and disappears for eight hours."

----

3) A politician dies, and he's met by St. Peter:
-"Well, you've not been so good that you can go Heaven, nor so bad to go to h*ll directly, so we'll let you choose. You'll spend a day in h*ll and another in Heaven, and then you decide"
-"OK"

So he goes to h*ll, and there he's warmly received by a lot of fellow politicians. They're all extremely well-dressed, have very hot young women on their side, and drive expensive sport cars.

He is invited to a party where he's served exquisite food, drink the best liquors and dance and laugh for hours. Finally, a chauffeur drives him in a car to a luxurious manor where a butler helps him undressing and leads him to his bedroom. There, three naked hot chicks are waiting in bed, and he has the greatest time of his... afterlife.

The day after, he goes to Heaven. He floats from cloud to cloud singing praises with a lyre while rejoicing in the presence of his maker, and little angels fly around singing in a chorus. He is quite happy, but terribly bored.

The next day, St. Peter asks him his decision:
-"And well?"
-"Heaven is OK, you know, but I think I'll feel better in h*ll with my politician friends."
-"So you go"

And he goes definitively to hell. But now it is terribly different. Everybody's dressing rags and screaming, there's fire and ugly demons everywhere, and there's pain and suffering all around. He is appalled. He finally finds one of the politicians of two nights before, and asks him:
-"But, what's this? It looks nothing like you showed me!"
-"Well... two nights ago we were on election campaign, but today... YOU HAVE VOTED FOR US YET!"

Monterey13
09-07-2007, 01:13 PM
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic. "Ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do."
He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend returns," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

Monterey13
09-07-2007, 01:28 PM
There were three young engineering students sitting on the lawn, visiting. They were discussing the human body, pondering who could have designed such an incredible machine...

The mechanical engineering student offered, "I think it must have been a mechanical engineer. Consider all the pivots, joints, and other mechanical solutions that the body uses. Definitely a robotics-oriented approach."

The electrical engineering student disagreed: "No, I think it had to be an electrical engineer. Think about all the connections we have that involve some form of electricity--brain waves, nerve impulses, muscle reactions... the list just goes on and on."

They sat quietly for several minutes, deep in thought. Finally, the civil engineering student broke the silence: "I think it had to be a civil engineer. Who else would think to run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

BSS_Goat
09-07-2007, 01:44 PM
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, what the camel was for.

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "Bring in the camel!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town"

Grand_Armee
09-07-2007, 03:29 PM
This is known to have happened on a small 2-island nation to the east of the Coral Sea where sheep outnumber people:

Two gents are walking home from a pub...they may or may not be slightly drunk.

They come upon a sheep whose head is caught in a fence.

The first bloke undoes his belt, unzips his trousers and has his nasty way with the trapped animal.

Finally satisfied, he withdraws from the sheep and says to his comrade: "mate, it's your turn"

His friend undoes his belt, unzips his trousers and sticks his head in the fence.

Urufu_Shinjiro
09-07-2007, 03:52 PM
Um....IBTL?

Bo_Nidle
09-07-2007, 06:02 PM
A Polar bear cub walks up to his mother and says "Mum. Am I really a polar bear?" His mother looks surprised for a second but says "Of course you are dear. Look at you.You are all white, cute,cuddly and furry with a little black button nose. Of course you're a polar bear".

The cub appears unconvinced and walks off across the snow to his Father who is waiting at a hole in the ice for a seal to appear. He walks up and says" Dad.Am I really a polar bear?" His father somewhat impatiently says "What?!" The cub repeats "Am I really a polar bear?". His father sees his sons concerned face and says "Of course you are son. Look at you.You are all white, cute,cuddly and furry with a little black button nose. Of course you're a polar bear.Now run along I'm working". The cub still apparently unconvinced wanders off back to his mum.

He says "Mum, are you certain I'm a polar bear?" His mum growing impatient says "Look I've already told you,of course you are. You are all white, cute,cuddly and furry with a little black button nose. Of course you're a polar bear.Stop being silly". The little cub walks off across the snow.

He returns to his father at the ice-hole:"Dad?" His dad now annoyed at another interruption says sternly "WHAT NOW!" the cub says "Honestly? Am I REALLY a polar bear?". His dad rolls his eyes and says "For heavens sake,I've told you!You are all white, cute,cuddly and furry with a little black button nose. YOU'RE A BLOODY POLAR BEAR! WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING?!!!!".

Shouts the cub:"BECAUSE I'M F***ING FREEZING!!!!!!!"

fabianfred
09-07-2007, 09:56 PM
This really happened...

When i was with the army in W.Germany there was a huge combined forces exercise including troops from UK and several NATO countries....and we heard this tale...

A Tank was in a queue of traffic at a level-crossing waiting for the train to arrive..... a woman rode up on a horse and also waited.... a man was walking his dog and also waited for the road to open..
The tank backfired....the horse was scared and started to panic....the man with the dog tied the lead to the barrier and went to help calm the horse..... the train came and went past.... the barrier lifted.... and the dog was hung by the neck....

DustyBarrels77
09-07-2007, 10:03 PM
fish is a drag queen and megile is a lesbian?

raaaid
09-08-2007, 09:49 AM
This really happened...

When i was with the army in W.Germany there was a huge combined forces exercise including troops from UK and several NATO countries....and we heard this tale...

A Tank was in a queue of traffic at a level-crossing waiting for the train to arrive..... a woman rode up on a horse and also waited.... a man was walking his dog and also waited for the road to open..
The tank backfired....the horse was scared and started to panic....the man with the dog tied the lead to the barrier and went to help calm the horse..... the train came and went past.... the barrier lifted.... and the dog was hung by the neck....

man read the title of the thread its about jokes

HotelBushranger
09-08-2007, 10:22 AM
Poor dog http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

Urufu_Shinjiro
09-08-2007, 10:47 AM
I LOLed.....

DuxCorvan
09-08-2007, 11:09 AM
Originally posted by raaaid:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">This really happened...

When i was with the army in W.Germany there was a huge combined forces exercise including troops from UK and several NATO countries....and we heard this tale...

A Tank was in a queue of traffic at a level-crossing waiting for the train to arrive..... a woman rode up on a horse and also waited.... a man was walking his dog and also waited for the road to open..
The tank backfired....the horse was scared and started to panic....the man with the dog tied the lead to the barrier and went to help calm the horse..... the train came and went past.... the barrier lifted.... and the dog was hung by the neck....

man read the title of the thread its about jokes </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

For once, I agree with raaaid. I hope the dog was OK. I wouldn't find it funny if I saw something like that. But I'd kick the dog's owner in the a$s quite a few times.

Monterey13
09-08-2007, 12:46 PM
Nursing Home


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and
loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one
wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long
corridors. Because
the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic,
the other residents tolerated her, and some of them
actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his
arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.
"Have you got a
license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a
Kit Kat wrapper and
held it up to him. "OK" he said,
and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one
Wheel,Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and
shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel
dug into her
handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him.
Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front
door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark
naked, holding his "you-know-what" in his hand. "Oh,
good grief," said
Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer test again."

general_kalle
09-08-2007, 02:51 PM
and the dog was hung by the neck....

look ive got a dog myself.
its not funny at all
poor dog http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Tell something funny or go away

carguy_
09-08-2007, 05:16 PM
One of the best movie jokes:

This guy comes into a bar... walks to the bartender and says..." Bartender, I got a bet for you. I'll bet you $300 that I can piss... into that glass over there... and not spill a drop." The bartender looks at the glass. It's like 10 feet away. He says..."You're telling me you'll bet me $300... that you can piss, standing here... into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says: "That's right." Bartender says, "You've got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's thinking about the glass. He's thinking about the glass. Thinking about his ****. ****, glass, ****, glass, ****, glass, ****, glass. Then he lets it rip. He pisses all over the place. He pisses on the bar. He pisses on the stools, on the floor, the phone. On the bartender! He's pissing everywhere EXCEPT the ****ing glass! Bartender's laughing. He's $300 richer. He's like... piss dripping off his face. He says, "You ****ing idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300... puta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. There's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go. $300." The bartender's like..."Why are you so happy? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "See those guys over there? I just bet them $500 APIECE... that I could piss on your bar... your floor, your phone, and piss on you... and not only would you not be mad about it... you'd be happy."

marc_hawkins
09-08-2007, 05:31 PM
Originally posted by Breeze147:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by John_Pimlott:
A chap goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

I guess you had to be there. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://jackyan.vox.com/library/post/now-hands-that-do-d...ft-as-your-face.html (http://jackyan.vox.com/library/post/now-hands-that-do-dishes-can-feel-soft-as-your-face.html)

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Hoenire
09-08-2007, 05:54 PM
Kudos to Peter Kay...

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it
was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

PanzerkwgnIV
09-08-2007, 06:24 PM
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

So true!

Nimits
09-08-2007, 08:54 PM
I noticed that the title of the thread was "Know any good jokes." I guess the answer was no . . .

horseback
09-09-2007, 11:26 AM
Took this off today's aircraftresourcecenter.com daily joke page:

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST:
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

cheers

horseback

PanzerkwgnIV
09-09-2007, 05:50 PM
Originally posted by fabianfred:
This really happened...

When i was with the army in W.Germany there was a huge combined forces exercise including troops from UK and several NATO countries....and we heard this tale...

A Tank was in a queue of traffic at a level-crossing waiting for the train to arrive..... a woman rode up on a horse and also waited.... a man was walking his dog and also waited for the road to open..
The tank backfired....the horse was scared and started to panic....the man with the dog tied the lead to the barrier and went to help calm the horse..... the train came and went past.... the barrier lifted.... and the dog was hung by the neck....
It was this dog that died.
http://monkeysaurus.net/wp-content/sam_ugly_dog.jpg

Scharnhorst1943
09-11-2007, 09:03 PM
A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" ............

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Scharnhorst1943
09-11-2007, 09:03 PM
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair Color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation,

She was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way Home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied,

" I didn't recognize you. "

Scharnhorst1943
09-11-2007, 09:10 PM
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexu@l urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexu@l satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b1tch knows I'm smarter than her.

verbaska
09-12-2007, 09:24 AM
http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/4692/dic3pg6.jpg

verbaska
09-12-2007, 09:35 AM
http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/5576/340944fkmjwho1.jpg

http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/6936/podb12867ff0.jpg

http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/8831/sparta15vu8.gif

http://img207.imageshack.us/img207/7426/sparta20nd4.gif

http://rl.foto.radikal.ru/0708/7e/2ae0409791be.jpg

http://torrents.ru/forum/files/a3R61z1R6a

http://img110.imageshack.us/img110/9064/sparta08qq4.gif

http://img110.imageshack.us/img110/7639/sparta18pr1.jpg

verbaska
09-12-2007, 09:43 AM
http://www.dp.ru/Gallery/Images/adme.jpg

http://www.dp.ru/Gallery/Images/adme1.jpg

RamsteinUSA
09-12-2007, 09:50 AM
Originally posted by Scharnhorst1943:
There are two engineering stundents walking to class, talking. One of them is pushing a really nice bike. So the one asks the other, "That is a really nice bike, where did you get it?"

"Well, I was walking to class one day and this really hot girl rode up to me on this bike, threw it down, stripped all her clothes off and said,'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."

"That was probably the best choice," the other one replied. "Her clothes would not have fit you."

This was probably a *ollock joke before it was corrected for policial correctness..

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif

Scharnhorst1943
09-12-2007, 11:37 AM
Originally posted by RamsteinUSA:
This was probably a *ollock joke before it was corrected for policial correctness..
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif

I don't think that is the one that got me into trouble ... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blush.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/disagree.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/touche.gif

Scharnhorst1943
09-12-2007, 01:55 PM
I am also guessing that verbaska is female ... since the implication of posts is that I am a shovanist nanzi ... http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

SlickStick
09-12-2007, 02:13 PM
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he is drinking his beer, he looks down the end of the bar and sees a horse with a sign around his neck and a huge bucket of money next to him.

The sign reads, "Add $5.00 to the bucket and if you can make this horse laugh, you get to keep the whole bucket of money."

The guy asks the bartender, "Can anybody try this?" The bartender replies, "Be my guest, anybody can try, but nobody has made him laugh yet."

So, the man tosses his $5.00 into the bucket and whispers into the horse's ear. The horse busts out laughing and whinnying until he's rolling on the floor. To everyone's amazement, the man picks up the bucket of money and walks out of the bar.

Several months later, the man stops back into the same bar and orders a beer. As he is drinking, he looks down the end of the bar and sees the same horse and a new bucket of money. He asks the bartender, "If I make him laugh again, do I get to keep the money?"

The bartender replies, "No, this time you have to make him cry and nobody has ever been able to do that." The man thinks for a second and says, "OK, I'll give it a try." The man tosses his $5.00 into the bucket and walks the horse into the back room.

After a couple of minutes, the horse comes running out of the back room crying his eyes out and sobbing uncontrollably. Again, to the amazement of everyone in the bar, the man picks up the bucket of money and goes to walk out of the bar.

The bartender stops him and says, "Hey, wait a sec. First, you had to make him laugh and you did. Then, you had to make him cry and you did that, too. How did you do it?"

The man repied, "The first time I told him that my schwantz was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him."

Ba-doomp-boomp-CRASH!

Jaws2002
09-12-2007, 05:24 PM
Young Bula sits on the side of the road and smokes.
His eighty years old, widow grandma is passing by on the bicycle.

Bula: Where are you going grandma?

Granny: To the cemetery.

Bula: And ... who's gonna bring the bike back?

slo_1_2_3
09-12-2007, 10:27 PM
Originally posted by BrotherVoodoo:
You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...


... your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"

... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."

... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.

... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman." So I probably shouldn't say that I would do more than one of those things

heywooood
09-12-2007, 10:43 PM
I have two words for this thread....


ay caramba

verbaska
09-12-2007, 10:47 PM
Tower: FV267 Please say speed.
FV267: Speed

Cajun76
09-13-2007, 02:36 AM
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife gets thoughtful.

"Honey?" she asks, "If I were to die, would you be sad?"

"Of course I would." he says.

"Would you remarry?" She's expectant.

Considering a moment, he says cautiously, "No, I wouldn't"

Seemingly, she relaxes a bit and says "I would want you to remarry. You should have someone."

"OK, I guess"

A long pause, and the guy thinks she might be done and he can relax.

"Would she sleep in our bed?"

"No, of course not." he says quickly. "I would get another one"

Smiling, she says "You're sweet."

He smiles too, she seems happy and ready for bed.

"She should have my golf set also"

"She's left handed."

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B16Enk
09-13-2007, 03:17 AM
ORIGIN OF THE WORD AVIATOR (finally.... international recognition by academia)

This explains it all. As aviators, we come from a long, proud line of a secret society, formed around one thousand years ago. We are warriors, and here is the proof!

Phu Khen (pronounced Foo Ken) 1169-? is considered by some to be one of the most under- recognized military officers in history. Many have never heard of his contributions to modern military warfare. The mission of our secret society is to bring honor to the name of Phu Khen.


A Khen was a subordinate to a Khan in the military structure of the Mongol hordes. Khan is Turkish for leader. Most know of the great Genghis Khan, but little has been written of his chain of command.

Khen is of Turkish origin. Although there is not a single word in English that can adequately convey the meaning. Roughly translated, it means, "One who will do the impossible, while appearing unprepared and complaining constantly."

Phu Khen was one of ten Khens that headed the divisions, groups of hordes as they were known, of the Mongol Army serving under Genghis.
Phu's abilities came to light duri ng the Mongols' raids on the Turkistan city of Bohicaroo. Bohicans were fierce warriors and the city was well fortified. The entire city was protected by huge walls and the hordes were at a standoff with the Bohicans. Bohicaroo was well-stocked which made it difficult to wait them out. Genghis assembled his Khens and ordered each of them to develop a plan for penetrating the defenses of Bohicaroo.

Operation Achieve Victory (AV) was born. All 10 divisions of Khens submitted their plan. After reviewing AV plans 1 thru 7 and finding them all unworkable, Genghis was understandably upset. It was with much trepidation that Phu Khen submitted his idea, which came to be known as AV 8. Upon seeing AV 8, Genghis was convinced this was the perfect plan and gave his immediate approval.


The plan was beautifully simple. Phu Khen would arm his hordes to the teeth, load them into catapults, and hurl them over the wall. The losses were expected to be high, but, hordes were cheap. Those that survived the flight would engage the enemy in combat. Those that did not? Well, surely their flailing bodies would cause some damage.

The plan worked and the Bohicans were defeated. From that day on, whenever the Mongol Army encountered an insurmountable enemy, Genghis Khan would give the order, "Send some of Phu Khen's AV 8- ers."
This is believed, though not by anyone outside our secret society, to be the true origin of the word Aviator (AV 8-er).

Phu Khen's AV 8-ers were an unruly mob, not likely to be socially acceptable. Many were heavy drinkers. But when nothing else would do, you could always count on an AV 8-er.


Consider it an honor to be a Phu Khen Aviator. Wear the mantle proudly, but speak of it cautiously. It is not always popular to be one of us. You hear mystical references, often hushed whispers to, 'those Phu Khen Aviators.' Do not let these things bother you. As with any secret society, we go largely misunderstood, inhibited by our unwillingness to explain ourselves.

You are expected to always live down to the reputation of the Phu Khen Aviator......... a reputation cultivated for centuries, undaunted by scorn and ridicule, unhindered by progress. So drink up, be crude, sleep late, urinate in public, and get the job done.

When others may possibly be offended, you can revel in the certain knowledge that YOU are a PHU KHEN AV 8-er.

marie103
09-13-2007, 04:00 AM
ok, here are all the jokes, interesting even though some of them are the color jokes...

^ _ ^

but funny

Jediteo
09-13-2007, 04:03 AM
A panda walks into a fancy resturant, and orders a 5 course dinner. The waitor promtly serves the panda, and is well mannered as ever. Aften finishing the dessert, having spent four hours in the resturant, the waitor apporoaches the panda, and asks if the panda wants his check. The panda then violently stands up, and pulls out his .357 magnum, fires 6 rounds in the ceiling, hands the waitor a pampflet, and walks out the front door.
The waitor reads the pampflet, where there are facts about pandas, a text is highlighted, and it reads Panda ; Eats shoots and leaves.

polak5
09-13-2007, 12:37 PM
Originally posted by carguy_:
One of the best movie jokes:

This guy comes into a bar... walks to the bartender and says..." Bartender, I got a bet for you. I'll bet you $300 that I can piss... into that glass over there... and not spill a drop." The bartender looks at the glass. It's like 10 feet away. He says..."You're telling me you'll bet me $300... that you can piss, standing here... into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says: "That's right." Bartender says, "You've got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's thinking about the glass. He's thinking about the glass. Thinking about his ****. ****, glass, ****, glass, ****, glass, ****, glass. Then he lets it rip. He pisses all over the place. He pisses on the bar. He pisses on the stools, on the floor, the phone. On the bartender! He's pissing everywhere EXCEPT the ****ing glass! Bartender's laughing. He's $300 richer. He's like... piss dripping off his face. He says, "You ****ing idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300... puta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. There's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go. $300." The bartender's like..."Why are you so happy? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "See those guys over there? I just bet them $500 APIECE... that I could piss on your bar... your floor, your phone, and piss on you... and not only would you not be mad about it... you'd be happy."


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Dusk till dawn init?

polak5
09-13-2007, 01:04 PM
pretty much the only clean ones i kno.. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Two hunters are talking, and one says to the other:
"you know to change our luck I think we should dress up like a female moose and attract a male, one of us pops out the back and shots at one"

The other hunter agrees and next week they go hunting with a female moose costume on.

After hours of hunting it works and they begin to attract a big moose.

The hunter in the front says: " Here comes one get ready to pop out and shot"

And the hunter in the back replies: "**** the zipper is stuck, I cant get it open! what do we do?!?!"

Then hunter in the front says:
"Im gona act like I am grassing on this grass, I guess you should brace yourself."



------------------------------------------------------


Soo.... a doctor walks in to a patient's room and says:
"well I got some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"

The patient softly says: "Give me the good news doc"

And the doctor replies: "Well the good news is that we are going to name a disease after you"

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Little Johnny walks into his parent's bathroom while his dad is in the corner of the bathroom.
His dad startled, turns around and says: "Hey kiddo get out of here"

Johnny then asks: "Dad what are you doing in the corner of the bathroom?"

The dad says:"Im playing with a mouse Johnny, get out"

Johnny then responds:" Oh ok daddy... and are you trying to F@#k it?"

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A priest, a doctor and a young boy are passangers in a plane.
Suddenly the pilot says:"The plane is going down , there are 2 parachutes left, you guys figure out who gets them." Then the pilot jumps out.

The priest says:" well I go around the world helping those in need, and give people hope, I need a parachute"

The doctor says as he begins to cry for his life: "I am one of the smartest man in the world, and I am currently working on a cure for cancer, the world needs me!"

The priest agrees and the boy noods.

The Doctor grins and jumps out.

The priest feeling sorry for the boy says:"Kid its ok, you take the chute"

But the kids responds:
"Its ok father, the smartest man in the world just jump out with my backpack"

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Choctaw111
09-13-2007, 02:05 PM
There are two men hunting in the woods. Suddenly one of them grabs his chest, cries out in pain and drops to the ground. The other man quickly runs over to his fallen friend and franticly tries to help him. Not knowing what to do he quickly uses his cell phone and calls 911. The operator answers "This is 911. What is your emergency?". "Yes! Please help me! I am out in the woods and my friend just grabbed his chest and collapsed to the ground! He's not breathing. I think he's dead!! I don't know what to do!" She casually responded "Please, sir, try to calm down. First go over to your friend and make sure that he's dead." "Oh, ok." the man said. There was a pause on the phone for a few moments and then... BANG...BANG!!! The operator was wondering what in the world was going on. Then for what seemed like an eternity she finally heard the man on the other end of the line saying "Well, he's dead for sure now."