PDA

View Full Version : Need some help with my FanFic *Update 28/02/10* Prologue, Chapters 1-3



NuclearFuss
08-20-2010, 10:51 AM
So, I'm writing a story based on Brotherhood. I know I don't know the plot or ending of the game yet, but I'm just going to make my own up(hopefully it'll be close to the real thing). I've got plenty of good ideas, I just need to fine tune them.

It's going to be mainly set around one of the Brotherhood Assassins, Darius, but there will be multiple points of view with it not being set inside the animus.

Okay, here's the prologue and Chapters 1 & 2. Enjoy, and please give me some feedback:


Prologue-
Cesare! How faired the attack, my son?” Rodrigo was stood on his balcony, looking over St Peter’s Square. The people went about their daily lives. It always amazed Rodrigo that they had no idea about his little war in the shadows. Then again, people had no idea about anything outside of their sheltered little lives. It wasn’t so much stupidity, just ignorance.

Cesare entered the Papal office, still wearing his armour from the battle at Monteriggioni. The cuts on his face were mere scrapes, but the wound on his right shoulder looked serious. That wasn’t a problem. As Pope, Rodrigo had the finest physicians in Italy to look after him and his family. “Father, Monteriggioni is ours. They put up a fight, but the town is no longer under Auditore control.”

“And what of Ezio? I asked for his head, I hope you haven’t disappointed me, Cesare.” If Ezio had survived the attack, he could be serious trouble still. That treacherous Assassin had been a thorn in Rodrigo’s side for far too long.

“I’m sorry father; we could not find the body. One of my men reported shooting him, and others saw the body fall off the building. But past that, I have no credible information. I highly doubt he could have survived that fall as well as the bullet; his body is probably under the rubble.”

“Do not underestimate him, son. That man managed to destroy the Pazzi when he was far younger than you. He managed to infiltrate the Sistine Chapel, killing almost fifty of my men in the process!” Rodrigo sounded almost hysterical now. The thought of Ezio alive, plotting his demise, was driving him further and further into paranoia. He thought sending an army after the Assassins would be enough. Again, he was wrong.

He told himself to calm down, and then something occurred to him. The real prize was not Ezio’s corpse. It was something much more valuable. “Did you retrieve it?”

Cesare immediately knew what the old man was talking about. He’d expected it to come up in the conversation sooner. “Yes father, I did.” He lifted the little metallic ball out of his pouch, and held it in his palm for his father. “It is ours once again.”


Chapter 1-
He thought he was out of sight. He thought no guards could find him up there. He was wrapped in shadows, clinging to a rafter up in the ceiling; at least twenty feet up. It should have been impossible to get up there so quickly, without anyone seeing him, but Darius had always been a natural climber. He found a nicely eroded pillar, with cracks that could be used as hand-holds, and seconds later he was hiding safely up in the ceiling.

The four guards entered the abbey. Darius had a perfect view of them from his perch. Their leader, a man who had chased thieves like Darius for a good portion of his career, told them to split up to search the area more quickly. They assumed he would be trying the blend in with the monks, because there were no other hiding places on the ground. They didn’t even bother looking up.

Darius shuffled along the rafter, looking for access to the roof. He scanned the ceiling looking for... there! On the back wall of the abbey was a window missing the panel at the top; the abbey was replacing its windows with new coloured ones. They called it “stained glass”. Darius thought it was a waste of money.

The window reached almost the whole way up the wall. Darius could easily climb out, and pull himself onto the roof. Nobody was looking over there, and as long as he was quiet he was too high to catch the attention of anyone unless they were looking directly at the rafters.

He carried on along the wooden beam, praying that it wouldn’t break or make a sound. He stayed low, stayed in the shadows, and made his way across, albeit very slowly. There was many years worth of dust up here, and if he disturbed it then it was bound to fall. He didn’t know how attentive the guards were, and didn’t want to take the chance of them seeing it and looking up, so he took the longest strides possible without losing too much balance.

One of the guards passed below Darius, completely unaware of the teenager skulking above him. The man looked like he hadn't been on the job long, because he was young and a little bit too uptight.

Darius reached the window. It was parallel to the rafter, and he’d have to jump to reach it. It was worth it though, with the amount of ducats he had in his pouch now. He steadied himself with his left hand on the nearest column, and jumped.

Landing with the window at chin height, his arms were already pulling him over to the other side. He must have made some noise, because a few monks outside the abbey were staring at him, but he couldn’t tell if any of them inside had spotted him.

He scrambled onto the other side of the window, hanging for a moment while catching his breath. The façade of the abbey had two stone pillars on either side of it, extending out from the walls. The grooves on them were big enough for Darius to climb to the roof, so he scrambled to the left, took a little bit of a sideways leap along the wall and caught one. He tried to steady himself, but his foot couldn’t find anything to support his weight, and the wall was too smooth for any grip so he slipped, leaving himself hanging on with just his left hand.

Plenty of the black robed monks were watching now. That meant someone had probably told the guards. If he could make it to the roof he should be safe. He pulled his other hand to the groove above him and found a safe hold for his foot. They were evenly spaced so it was a simple climb and it didn’t take long to reach the roof.

The bell tower at the front end of the abbey was hard to see from ground level, and if he lay flat inside it he’d be practically invisible. The tower was only ten feet taller than the abbey, and had four pillars supporting its roof, laid out in a diamond, with one point lining up with the front wall of the abbey. It was just a simple matter of waiting in there until the guards moved their search on to somewhere else.

He moved to his new hiding place, and from his position in the bell tower he was be able to see the guards without exposing too much of himself. A monk had brought them outside to see the fleeing boy, but now there was no boy to see. In fact the guards would probably punish the monk for wasting their time. Well, it serves him right.

Just as he suspected, one of the four guards it the monk in the stomach with the flat of his blade, then they walked away, giving up the search and leaving the monk doubled over. One thief wasn’t worth missing dinner now, was it?

Darius gave it half an hour and then headed in the opposite direction to the guards. It was getting dark, and the gun toting rooftop guards would be changing shifts. He used that time to sprint over the rooftops instead of walking. For a young boy, on his own, at night, with over a hundred ducats in his pouch, perilous jumps from roof to roof were much safer than the streets. Knife point wasn’t the ideal way to lose a hard day’s work. Darius much preferred women and wine to a mugging. What seventeen year old boy doesn’t?

After ten minutes of rooftop running, Darius decided to get back down to street level. He wasn’t far from home anyway, and the riflemen would be all too happy to put a bullet in his back.

A few minutes later he arrived, unchallenged by anyone, at home. Well, it wasn’t a home per se, more of a shelter. It was a basement abandoned by the owner of the tailor’s shop above, and had once been used as an underground storage space, but the tailor had gone bankrupt soon after the Borgia regime started. Darius didn’t understand much about politics, being a street rat and all, but he did know that since Rodrigo Borgia had become Pope, Rome’s economy had dropped like a rock.

Rodrigo, or Alexander VI as he had chosen, was seizing all the money he could from the people of Rome, and killing those who had none left to give. The city was slowly filling with prostitutes, thieves, assassins and mercenaries while all the honest and legitimate traders and closed up shop and moved out of the city.

Prising open the lock to the tailor’s shop was as simple as ever, and he went to the basement to check on his little sister. Darius, being the oldest, had to look after Aryanna after their parents deaths.

He’d had been ten at the time. Though he and his sister were born and raised in Rome, their father, Alonso, originally came from Spain. Alonso had been a cardinal and a rather important man in Rome. When Rodrigo had been trying to become Pope, he had bought his votes for Conclave. Alonso wasn’t going to be bribed though; he was too loyal to the church. He paid with his life.

Darius’ parents were in the house when the fires started. Their palazzo was burned to the ground while Darius and his sister were playing outside. Even over the roaring flames, he could hear the laughter of the guards who’d done it. They worked for Rodrigo, he was sure of it. No one else would want a good man like Alonso dead.

His sister’s hug woke him up from the nostalgic day dream. “I was worried about you. Why were you late?” she asked. “Guard trouble again?”

Darius nodded. It didn’t need explaining. He wasn’t good at stealing and was almost always discovered, but he was good at running away. He could climb almost anything, and he wasn’t a bad sprinter either. But subtlety betrayed him, and his crimes rarely went unnoticed.

Darius had waited outside a nearby bank waiting for a suitably arrogant noble to come out. He chose his target, a man wearing nothing but furs even in the heat of the Italian sun, and walking as if everyone around him belonged to him. He must have thought himself untouchable, because the pouches of money around his waist hung loosely, and he wasn’t at all cautious with them. An innocent looking trip from Darius was all it took to steal them. Unfortunately, he hadn’t looked innocent enough, and got a chase from the guards.

“But,” Aryanna started, “you got away with the money though, didn’t you?”

He nodded again, but this time with a smile. He emptied the coins on to the table next to him and her face lit up the whole room.


Chapter 2-
Even after the long ride from Monteriggioni, infallible rage was all he felt. Those Borgia swine had attacked his villa, in the middle of the night, with a fully fledged army. Siege towers and cannons and an impossible number of men converged on the tiny walled settlement from all sides. It had been a massacre. Did anyone else survive? No. Not unless they’re prisoners, but in his brief encounter with Cesare, he realized the man didn’t seem like a taking-prisoners kind of guy. When did you figure that out? Was it when he murdered your uncle? Shot him point blank?

The main gate into Rome wasn’t far away. He had been a little too busy to find his travel papers during the siege, and had no money left to bribe the guards at the gate. He’d have to improvise.

“Hold it there,” said the first guard. He spoke with authority and conviction, but he was too small and too fat for it to have any effect. The man’s sword and scabbard almost touched the ground, even hanging from his waist. “Name.” He said it as a statement rather than a question.

“Ezio.”

The fat little guard sighed. “Your full name, you insolent little...” He stopped himself. Ezio was much bigger, stronger, and looked like he knew how to use the sword at his waist. The guard smiled with obvious insincerity and said, “Your full name, please.” He sneered at the last word.

“Ezio Auditore da Firenze.”

The guard looked him over. He ignored the dirt and tears in Ezio’s clothes, but took a cautious look at Ezio’s sword. He shrugged it off; it was common for people to be armed in the countryside in case of bandits. He stuck out a palm and said “Papers please.”

“Um, well you see, um, on the road, there were some bandits. They took everything. I was too far from home to turn back so I carried on.” As an Assassin, Ezio was also an accomplished liar, and he performed his act of desperation flawlessly. Crazed hand gestures and a voice filled with fear and despair could get him past any guard, including this one.

“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t enter without your papers.”

Oh. Any guard except this one. “But, I have nothing! There’s nowhere for me to go!” It was degrading for someone of Ezio’s calibre to get on his knees and beg, but it helped the illusion. To be fair, it wasn’t exactly an illusion. He had nowhere to go. His villa had been destroyed, and his uncle, mother, and sister were dead or captured. He had no time to search for them, and in the middle of the invasion there was no choice but to escape. There was nothing for him to do in Florence or Venice, so he set off for Rome, where he could at least start getting revenge.

The guard still wasn’t for moving, and Ezio wasn’t going to risk a fight here. He’d have to break through twenty guards, and then he’d be in an unknown city with no allies and no idea where he was going. It was probably safer to try another way in.

He walked away from the stubby little guard and followed the perimeter of the city walls. The soldiers on top of the wall were staring straight ahead, and wouldn’t notice if he kept close to the base of the wall.

Ezio kept walking, paying close attention to the ground. If there were any smuggler’s entrances they would be set on rock so there were no tracks or footprints, and when they made it in or out of the city, the tracks would blend in with everyone else’s. It would have to be big enough for at least a person, probably a horse and wagon as well; it’s very hard to smuggle lots of things when you have to carry them yourself.

He found it. It looked like a big piece of cracked wall. It was actually a piece of the wall, but it was only an inch thick, and set in to look smooth. It looked like erosion, but on closer inspection you could see the scuffs where the slab had been moved a few times. It was light enough to move quietly, and Ezio needed nearly no effort to lift it.

The slab revealed a short tunnel all the way through the wall. Ezio climbed inside and replaced the slab. The air was cooler than it should have been, because there were a few holes in the walls to see if anyone was outside. Removing a chunk of wall in the daytime, with people all around you, was not a good idea for a smuggler. The other end of the tunnel was a similar system; a thin piece of the wall that you simply moved to one side, but that had a downside; people would see you. It seemed like this was more of a night time operation.

Putting one eye against a hole, he looked through to see throngs of people passing by; much too many to be discreet about this. Ezio decided to wait until nightfall to come out so he wouldn’t be noticed. The smugglers had prepared for things like this, and stored the tunnel with a small cache of food. At least he wouldn’t enter Rome hungry.

A few hours passed and night fell. Ezio had been asleep for a while, and had only woken to the sound of a guard patrol. He pushed the wall out, just a crack, to catch a glimpse of them walking away. Four guards. He could take them all should the need arise, but he preferred stealth and subtlety.

He counted about ten minutes when they passed again, and he was sure it was the same patrol. Ten minutes was plenty of time to get away from this little tunnel. He’d find a safe spot for the night, and in the morning he would find somewhere more long-term.

He removed the slab of rock from the wall and stepped outside. He replaced it silently, and set off into the nearest alley. He scaled one of the buildings with ease, but stopped before he got to the roof. He poked his head up to spot any archers out tonight. There weren’t any; however there was a man with matchlock rifle looking directly at him. Oh, wonderful. Bullets instead of arrows. I despise Rome already.

“Hey, you! Back down, now!” the guard barked at him.

“Look, I’m really sorry,” Ezio said as he pulled himself on to the roof. “I need some help, I’m new here and-” He stopped talking as his hidden blade slid into the soldier’s kidney. The man would be dead in a few seconds.

The hidden blade was Ezio’s favourite weapon. It was disguised as a vambrace on his wrist, but underneath was a mechanism for a blade that pops out on command. The bottom half of the blade was blunt so he could form a fist around it and not cut off his fingers, but the top half could be used for slashing and stabbing. It was a strong blade, and even capable of fighting with, but that wasn’t a great idea in case it broke against the larger weapons.

His friend Leonardo had built him a second blade on his other arm, so he could stab two people at the same time. It was perfect for his work. As lethal as it was stealthy. And not just that, it was a means of delivering poison, and had a small gun built in for distant targets, though Ezio preferred throwing knives for they tend to be much quieter.

The roof he was on three storeys up, and taller than most of the ones around him. He looked around for any landmarks, and was sure he could make out St Peter’s Basilica on the horizon. Great , he thought. What now?

Chapter 3-

The shop door swung open and the wind screamed in with it. All Darius could hear were muffled voices from the floor above. Apparently someone had broken in to the abandoned tailors’, while Darius was still in the basement. Luckily his sister, Aryanna was out spending the money Darius had stolen a few days ago.

The voice spoke again, “... he said... must be here... can’t leave yet...” That was all Darius could make out, even with his ear pressed against the trap door to the shop floor.

He could hear footsteps of at least four people. And judging from the voices they were all men. Why would they break in to an abandoned shop? There wasn’t anything left in the shop, and the access to the basement was through a trap door in a back room of the shop, which they probably wouldn’t unless they were actually looking for it.

“Thief!” one man started, loud enough to hear through the floor. “Get out here, now!”

Don’t panic, Darius. They obviously don’t know you’re down here, or they’d have come down already. Just wait for them to leave.

“If don’t come out we’ll just have to kill the girl then.”
No. Dear lord, no.

“That’s right, we got her. Now show yourself, or we’ll just have to keep ourselves occupied until you do.” His friends were laughing now. Darius could tell what they were planning.

Don’t do it! Do not go out there, they’ll kill you both! Ignoring the voice of survival screaming at him in his own head, he opened the trap door. He heard swords being drawn in the next room.

“Last chance, boy!”

Darius stepped out, and onto the shop floor. The four men were guards, but the emblems weren’t the usual city guard badges. It was a picture of two crossed keys, the Papal symbol.

Oh crap. These were the same guards he had run away from only a few days earlier, when he had hidden in the abbey. They must have followed him that night.

Their leader stepped forward, and behind him stood a teenage girl. Her clothes were torn, she was covered in cuts, and one eye was completely swollen. She was hardly recognisable, but he knew that face well enough to see it was his sister.

“Aryanna, are you okay?”

She opened her mouth to speak, but thought against it. She didn’t want another beating, so she just shook her head. The guard closest to her chuckled.

“You bastards!” Darius screamed. “I’ll kill you all! You hear me?! I’ll kill you!”
The guards just laughed in disbelief. “How do you expect to kill us, four armed guards, on your own, without a weapon?” They carried on laughing. All but one; the young, uptight guard was obviously against this. He looked at Darius with apologetic eyes.

Their leader drew his sword and started talking again, “Now that you’re here, as punishment for that theft, we’re going to kill you. Painfully, slowly, until you’re begging for the blade in your neck. But first...” He trailed off, and gave Aryanna a devilish look. “First, we kill her, and make you watch.”

A strange squelching noise reverberated through the shop. Aryanna looked down at her chest, and saw the blood swirling around on her clothes. Another squelch sound and the blade broke through her skin.

The blade pulled out and Aryanna’s lifeless body fell to the ground, with dead, blank eyes staring at the hole in her chest. The guard wiped the blood off of his blade, and the vicious gleam in his eyes suddenly swapped for disbelieving stare. He looked at his chest, just like Aryanna had done, and stared at the blood stains on his shirt.

Darius thought that the blood had come from Aryanna, but it was actually from the guard himself. His body hit the floor, and behind him stood the young uptight guard, holding a sword that was covered in blood. In two quick slashes, he sliced the other guards across the chest before they had even drawn their swords.

Darius couldn’t believe what had happened. A guard working for Rodrigo Borgia had saved him? He just gawked, open mouthed, at the bodies on the floor, and at his sister. He fell to his knees in tears. The colour drained from his skin, and it seemed like the world around him ceased to exist. All that was left was him and his sister’s corpse.

~~~

Milo thrust the blade through the Captain’s chest. He heard ribs crack, and air escape from the punctured lung. What am I doing?

He realised that the two guards next to him wouldn’t approve of killing their captain, so he withdrew the blade, and in a single fluid motion, slashed them both with his blade. They were dead before their hands went to their swords.

The young boy in front of Milo was on his knees, crying next to his sister’s body. Giving the boy time to mourn, Milo began moving the bodies. He hid them in the basement that the children had been living in; the boy wouldn’t be staying there again, so no one would be going down there for a long time. Plus it gives the rats a nice meal.

He just covered up the girl’s body with a blanket from down there, and helped the boy back on his feet. “What’s your name kid?”

He wiped away a few tears. “Darius.”

“I’m sorry about your sister, Darius. I’m Milo. Now, we need to get you out of here. When these three don’t report back, people will come looking.”

“I’ve nowhere left to go.” He’d almost stopped crying now. “She was the only family I had, and this was the only home I had.”

“Well, then, you can stay with me. Now, come on. We really need to leave.”



I'll post the next bits when they're finished http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Edit- This unsophisticated forum has got rid of all my formatting, so there are no indents, but no biggie. Oh and I know that this is an open forum, but if anyone copies this and claims it as their own... *hidden blade noise* http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/shady.gif

*Update 28/08/10* Added Chapter 3 as well, and changed the girl's name to Aryanna. Seems more Italian to me.

magesupermaster
08-20-2010, 11:01 AM
Nice of you to write a fanfiction, I hope you won't have writer's block and all.

1.There are alot of ways to show a character's attitude, and one of them is with his clothing line.
It depends on how you want him to be; arrogant, melodramatic, vengeful and etc...

2.You can tell his story from his point of view or from third person point of view.
You can have Ezio send him on mission's unfold his story as he complete's them.

I hope I helped. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

MrCazzah
08-20-2010, 11:19 AM
I think a good character would be someone who's maybe a bit skeptical about the entire idea of Assassins v Templars to save or enslave the world.
That way, you can show how they open to the idea.

Also, maybe start them off without a Hidden Blade, and have them long to get one ( the Hidden Blade was given only to master assassins )

Starting him/her off as a theif would make it easier to explain free running skills ect

NuclearFuss
08-20-2010, 11:55 AM
Yeah I'm planning him to be sceptical about the whole Pieces of Eden and Prophet side of things at first.

And I like the idea of him being a thief. I'm thinking that it starts with him being chased by some guards for stealing, and Ezio helps him. I'll probably start him off at about 17 like Ezio was when he became an Assassin. In fact the translation of Darius means "takes care of possessions" or something along those lines, so him being a thief adds a nice bit of irony http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Caligula__
08-20-2010, 02:33 PM
we've covered Altair in ancient-y times and Ezio in well not-so-ancient-y times and Desmond in the modern age so... what about da future? take my sig for an example http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Edit - When Star Wars meets Assassin's Creed... could be interesting

http://th04.deviantart.net/fs70/300W/i/2010/089/7/5/Jedi__s_Creed__Ezio_Auditore_by_JackJasra.png

magesupermaster
08-20-2010, 02:50 PM
It's a fanfiction based on AC: Brotherhood...

But what is Darius' motive, why does he join the brotherhood in the first place?

Caligula__
08-20-2010, 02:54 PM
cause a guard made him break his nail?

nah cause he's seen the Templars r bad and Ezio is kinda good BUT he's a punk so he's just in it to avenge the Templars for something but when Ezio needs him he'll probs just go "Huh? Me? I don't know you." and run away so Ezio realises this but wants to help this kid who he sees so much of himself inside... words got mixed up near end

http://th04.deviantart.net/fs70/300W/i/2010/089/7/5/Jedi__s_Creed__Ezio_Auditore_by_JackJasra.png

NuclearFuss
08-20-2010, 02:59 PM
Okay here's a bit of his back story. His father was a cardinal at the time, and Rodrigo Borgia wasn't able to buy his vote for conclave. So, Borgia had him killed and replaced by someone on his payroll. Guards torched the house while his mother and father were inside, and Darius and his sister Alexandria were playing outside. Then they're orphaned and living on the street. They've been living the basement of an abandoned tailor's, who went bankrupt because of the Borgia's taxes. Darius is a few years older and looking after his sister, so when he is out trying to find food and money one day (about seven years after their parents death, so they're in 1499 now. Darius is seventeen, his sister is 15) he comes home to find that the city guard have found their shelter. When he goes inside he finds his sisters body, she'd been raped then killed. Darius gets angry, finds the guard who did it, kills him, gets into a fight with some other guards, runs away because he is outnumbered and then a couple of assassins save him and take him to Ezio. He wants revenge on the Borgia and decides to join.

Something like that anyway http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Caligula__
08-20-2010, 03:02 PM
but that's all goodie goodie he needs to be a double crossing punk! Another few things to consider, hows he gonna meet Ezio, how's he taught da skillz? Rebecca/Shaun/Lucy or someone said it takes years 2 become a good assassin.

If you like i could help you with it since i've got nothing else to do and kind of good at this stuff

http://th04.deviantart.net/fs70/300W/i/2010/089/7/5/Jedi__s_Creed__Ezio_Auditore_by_JackJasra.png

magesupermaster
08-20-2010, 03:14 PM
You first said his father was killed and replaced by a corrupted official, then you said his house sat on fire while his mother and father(shouldn't he be dead?)were still in the house.

The beginning of the game only officially starts in 1503.

I can help you too if you want because I write too.

MrCazzah
08-20-2010, 05:11 PM
Originally posted by magesupermaster:
You first said his father was killed and replaced by a corrupted official, then you said his house sat on fire while his mother and father(shouldn't he be dead?)were still in the house.


I THINK he meant Borgia had his father killed by having his house burnt, not he had him killed, then burnt the house

Caligula__
08-20-2010, 07:32 PM
nah it was probs just a typo about his mum and dad getting killed in fire, just meant mum cause dad was already dead from the corrupt official thingy

http://th04.deviantart.net/fs70/300W/i/2010/089/7/5/Jedi__s_Creed__Ezio_Auditore_by_JackJasra.png

primerib69
08-20-2010, 08:04 PM
If you need any help with it just ask me bro. I've been getting a lot of people saying I write well and that I should write fanfic, so just ask if you want help.

NuclearFuss
08-21-2010, 06:08 AM
Originally posted by MrCazzah:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by magesupermaster:
You first said his father was killed and replaced by a corrupted official, then you said his house sat on fire while his mother and father(shouldn't he be dead?)were still in the house.


I THINK he meant Borgia had his father killed by having his house burnt, not he had him killed, then burnt the house </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Correctamundo my friend, sorry about the little misunderstanding http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blush.gif

And thanks for offering to help me write but I'd rather do the writing myself, but any plot ideas are welcome

Caligula__
08-21-2010, 06:11 AM
Darius is a street punk who's world is rapidly changing around him and he's having trouble keeping up with it

EzioAssassin51
08-21-2010, 06:24 AM
Originally posted by Vx_McTavish_xV:
but that's all goodie goodie he needs to be a double crossing punk! Another few things to consider, hows he gonna meet Ezio, how's he taught da skillz? Rebecca/Shaun/Lucy or someone said it takes years 2 become a good assassin.


But that's modern day, it could be lower back in those days!


I am a fanfic writer myself, so if you want any help, you can ask me as well http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

NuclearFuss
08-21-2010, 06:42 AM
Okay I've got a time line sorted, and I've written a short prologue of Cesare returning from the attack on Monteriggioni, and Chapter one is almost finished, I'm just playing around to see if I can improve. I'll probably post it in a few days.

EzioAssassin51
08-21-2010, 06:49 AM
Make sure to link us to it once you have http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Ru1986
08-21-2010, 07:12 AM
Originally posted by sackboy411:
So, I'm writing a story based on Brotherhood. I know I don't know the plot or ending of the game yet, but I'm just going to make my own up(hopefully it'll be close to the real thing). I've got plenty of good ideas, I just need to fine tune them.

It's going to be set around one of the Brotherhood Assassins; I think I'll call him Darius, not sure yet, but I need help with a few things:

1. Character Design- if you guys have any cool outfit ideas for the main character, I'd love to hear them. I want something cool and unique, because he's going to become a really high ranked Assassin eventually, and his dress sense should should show it. If you lot can come up with anything post it here please. In fact, drawings and sketches would be awesome, if that's something you'd be willing to do.

2. Possible missions- Part of the story will take place abroad on some of those non-playable missions. If anyone knows any of them, or maybe things that happened around the time that could be one of those missions, please tell me.

Don't think I'm just trying to outsource all the research to you guys, it's just always helpful to have as many ideas as possible http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Are you a published authour? do you have the relevent qualifications? if so whats your name (you can PM me that bvit if you want mate)? Is it not a bit silly to wirte a story thats been done by someone else already? Just wondering.

NuclearFuss
08-21-2010, 07:38 AM
No I'm not a published author, though not from lack of trying. But anyway this isn't going to be the same story as Brotherhood. It's from a different perspective and has a plot made up mainly by me, so it shouldn't be anything like the game, although there will be familiar bits. I'm hoping I can extend it to a full book. But yeah I'm making up characters and story so it's not already been done.

Caligula__
08-21-2010, 07:40 AM
ur actually making a story?! I thought it'd just be like a 50 pager... ur actually gonna make a few hundred pager?

NuclearFuss
08-21-2010, 07:45 AM
I don't know yet, I'll see how it turns out. Really there are lots of trademark and copyright stuff so even if I did make it a full book it couldn't be published, and I'm not a big fan of lawsuits http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Caligula__
08-21-2010, 07:48 AM
well i'm out of my league here so yeah... maybe best if i don't help http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/shady.gif

NuclearFuss
08-21-2010, 07:59 AM
Yeah I'll probably keep it short-ish. Don't have the time to write a whole novel, and depending on how the story of the game compares to mine, it might all be for nothing http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif

Stormpen
08-21-2010, 08:17 AM
If you're thinking of publishing a novel one day, you should write as much as you can, and also get feedback, so you can improve. (according to the advice I've been given) http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

My problem is, I've started to write, but I don't have anyone to give me any feedback. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif

NuclearFuss
08-21-2010, 11:13 AM
^Pffft i'll give you feedback if you want http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif Send me some of your stuff. In fact purely because you have Terry Pratchett in your sig means you have good taste in authors. Always a good sign http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

primerib69
08-21-2010, 02:32 PM
I'll be glad to help out bros!

NuclearFuss
08-21-2010, 02:57 PM
If anyone can help me find any big (or small) assassinations or mysterious deaths of the era that would be helpful

Caligula__
08-21-2010, 04:15 PM
Edit - Terry Pratchet's Discworld series is da BOMB!

here are some events from 1503 (1st year of AC2 Brotherhood) Edit - Please note i got this off wikipedia

January–June

* January 20 – Seville in Castile is awarded exclusive right to trade with the New World.
* February 13 – Disfida di Barletta: Thirteen Italian knights defeat 13 French knights near Barletta.
* February 23 – French-Spanish Wars in Italy – Battle of Ruvo: The Spanish defeat the French.
* April 21 – Battle of Cerignola: Spanish forces under Gonzalo Fernández de Córdoba defeat the French under the Duc de Nemours, who is killed (considered to be the first battle in history won by gunpowder small arms).
* May 10 – Christopher Columbus discovers the Cayman Islands, which he names Las Tortugas after the numerous sea turtles there.
* May 13 – Naples is captured by the Spanish.
* May 28
o James IV of Scotland and Margaret Tudor are married by Pope Alexander VI according to Papal Bull.
o The Treaty of Everlasting Peace between Scotland and England is signed; it actually lasts 10 years.

[edit] July–December

* July 23 – Orbital calculations suggest that on this day, Pluto moves outside Neptune's orbit, remaining there for 233 years.
* August 8 – King James IV of Scotland marries Margaret Tudor, daughter of King Henry VII of England at Holyrood Abbey, Edinburgh, Scotland.
* September 22 – Pope Pius III (Francesco Todeschini Piccolomini) succeeds Pope Alexander VI as the 215th pope, but dies on October 18.
* October 30 – Queen Isabella I of Spain bans violence against native tribes.
* October 31 – Pope Julius II succeeds Pope Pius III as the 216th pope, though some sources list November 1 as the actual date of election.
* December 14 – Michel de Nostredame aka Nostradamus is born in France. World famous for his visions, he will write the book Les Propheties, which will first appear in the year 1555.
* December 29 – Battle of (the) Garigliano, near Gaeta, Italy: Spanish forces under Gonzalo Fernández de Córdoba defeat a French–Italian mercenary army under Ludovico II, the Marquis of Saluzzo. The French forces withdraw to Gaeta.

[edit] Undated
Work on Mona Lisa begins.

* Leonardo da Vinci starts work on the Mona Lisa.
* The book Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis is re-published in an English translation.
* Canterbury Cathedral is finished, after 433 years of construction.
* Henry VII’s chapel, the final stage of English gothic art, is begun in Westminster Abbey.
* The pocket handkerchief comes into general use in polite European society.
* A perpendicular style chapel is added to Westminster Abbey.
* Vasco da Gama establishes India's first Portuguese fortress at Cochin.
* On his return from the East, Estevão da Gama discovered Saint Helena Island.
* Mariotto Albertinelli paints his masterpiece, the Visitation of the Virgin.
* The Bermuda Islands are discovered by Juan de Bermudez.
* The last ruler of the Great Horde is executed as a political maneuver. When Moscow and Lithuania make peace, the Lithuanian king orders the execution in order to seal the pact with Moscow, of whom the Mongol leader is an enemy.
* Ferdinand II of Aragon becomes Roman Emperor.
* Hieronymus Bosch painted the triptych the The Garden of Earthly Delights.

Pope Alexander the VI is Rodrigo Borgia

X10J
08-21-2010, 05:04 PM
Originally posted by Stormpen:
If you're thinking of publishing a novel one day, you should write as much as you can, and also get feedback, so you can improve. (according to the advice I've been given) http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

My problem is, I've started to write, but I don't have anyone to give me any feedback. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif

Maybe you should post some. I'm sure plenty here would like to read it, and provide feedback(myself included).

EzioAssassin51
08-21-2010, 05:06 PM
Originally posted by Vx_McTavish_xV:
Pope Alexander the VI is Rodrigo Borgia

Duh http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/shady.gif

NuclearFuss
08-27-2010, 11:46 AM
Okay I've got two chapters done. It's from multiple points of view with it not being in the animus, so it's a nice change from AC.

Should I post what I've got so far here, even though it's like 3,200 words?

EmperorxZurg
08-27-2010, 11:55 AM
I say you should edit the original post with what you got so far and then just keep editing as you go http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

NuclearFuss
08-27-2010, 01:32 PM
Okey doke I've edited the first post with the prologue, and chapters 1 and 2. Unfortunately for some reason I can't do indents so it all looks a tad untidy.

EzioAssassin51
08-27-2010, 08:24 PM
Originally posted by sackboy411:
Okey doke I've edited the first post with the prologue, and chapters 1 and 2. Unfortunately for some reason I can't do indents so it all looks a tad untidy.

Sounds pretty good so far http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

Caligula__
08-27-2010, 08:49 PM
fully siqq!

primerib69
08-27-2010, 08:57 PM
Originally posted by EzioAssassin51:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by sackboy411:
Okey doke I've edited the first post with the prologue, and chapters 1 and 2. Unfortunately for some reason I can't do indents so it all looks a tad untidy.

Sounds pretty good so far http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

agreed

Caligula__
08-27-2010, 09:04 PM
if this thread gets deleted then GRRRRRRRRRRRRR http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

primerib69
08-27-2010, 09:07 PM
then you will eat peanut butter? thats a good way of showing that your angry! GRRRRRRR http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif


By the way, what's an abbey?

Caligula__
08-27-2010, 09:08 PM
GRRRRRRRRRRR http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif GRRRRRRRRRRR http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif GRRRRRRRRRRR http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif GRRRRRRRRRRR http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

do u want me eating peanut butter on ur conscience? uh Ubisoft?

Edit - an abbey is a church kind of thing but i think monks live there

Edit Edit - Darius is teh assassin who killed Xerxes so he could be related to the Darius instead of Altair but then I don't think he'd have Eagle Vision

NuclearFuss
08-28-2010, 08:41 AM
Thanks for all the kind words people http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Feraliou
08-28-2010, 10:06 AM
Really nice! I'm not new to fanfiction but this is the first AC fic I've read so far. I normally don't like OC's but it's necessary for stories like this and I gotta say, you pull it off really well.

I've been thinking about starting an AC fic too one day, but for now I'll just stick to reading them.

NuclearFuss
08-28-2010, 12:16 PM
Thanks Feraliou. You should write one as well, give each other a bit of a competition http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I just added chapter 3, but I've changed Darius' sister's name to Aryanna, because it sounds better.

itsamea-mario
08-28-2010, 01:07 PM
That is rather quite very good.

i wish you all the best with the rest of the story.

though ive only seen 2 chapters of him, i already quite like darius. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

thekyle0
08-28-2010, 02:07 PM
Really nice. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

However, there are a few hiccups I'd like to point out. Terms like Gun-toting, bullet, or rooftop guard sound awkward in this setting.

'Gun-toting" finds a more comfortable niche in the wild west or a line where one is making a light parody of it. Obviously, this conflicts with an Italian Renaissance setting both in terms of mood and time line. You could easily fix this scene by using a bit more sophisticated term which could also allow you to fit in a bit of historical know-how. A common rifle at the time was the Arquebus. Men who wielded it were known as "Arquebusers." Using this term could establish both historical knowledgeably and that the guard in question is carrying a rifle.

"Bullet" I don't believe was an actual term for the projectile propelled by a rifle of the time. In fact, even today a rifle of that time doesn't fire a "bullet". A quick google search revealed to me that the proper term is a "ball". (Source) (http://www.dyerlabs.com/glossary/gun_terms.html) Of course, it would probably be best to choose a word that helps the sentence containing it to flow smoothly and sound clearly whether the best choice is ball, bullet, projectile, or even missile.

As for "rooftop guards" I'm not sure what makes this term ring poorly with me. It could be the way it flows or that it feels uncreative. This could be fixed by just referring to them as "guards" or "watchmen" and allow the context of the story, such as the position of the focus-character, to establish that these guards are on a roof. For example, you could write, "As Darius pulled himself over the ledge, he looked out across the rooftops, noting several <STRIKE>rooftop guards</STRIKE> watchmen on duty." or "As Darius walked down the street, being careful to move with the crowds, he tilted his head up to inspect an <STRIKE>rooftop guards</STRIKE> arquebuser in his position above the rabble." You tell me which versions sound better, and if one provides any less detail than its counter-part.

Also, phrases like "Oh crap" also sound a bit awkward when delivered in this setting. Can you imagine a line like, "Oh crap" working in Lord of the Rings? If it's some sort of comic relief moment then it would feel more acceptable, but the scene it was used in was a moment of thick suspense and Darius probably could have been more concerned than to think, "Oh crap."

I recommend these fixes because when I encounter this terminology I end up stopping on them and questioning if they belong there. That momentarily cuts off the story's momentum. Losing momentum doesn't ruin a story, but maintaining it is important to get people saying things like, "I just couldn't stop reading it!" or, "I'm dying to see what happens next!"

Either way, great work, and I hope you appreciate my suggestions.

NuclearFuss
08-28-2010, 02:48 PM
Wow that's pretty in depth. Thanks, I'll change that probably tomorrow.

EzioAssassin51
08-28-2010, 06:12 PM
Nice work with chapter 3 http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

but for some reason. Darius feels younger than 17 to me

Caligula__
08-28-2010, 07:14 PM
very neat! I was expecting Ezio to save em but it was the guard http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

Edit - It was very catching, I didn't feel bored at all

Stormpen
08-28-2010, 11:24 PM
It's really good, I like the idea of decent Papal guards. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Just a suggestion, but instead of using the word 'kid' maybe you could call him 'boy'. It sounds more appropriate.

Caligula__
08-29-2010, 12:17 AM
<span class="ev_code_RED">These paragraphs seem short but then after them they're all long (i'm using red so it's easy to see)</span>

“Thief!” one man started, loud enough to hear through the floor. “Get out here, now!”

Don’t panic, Darius. They obviously don’t know you’re down here, or they’d have come down already. Just wait for them to leave.

“If don’t come out we’ll just have to kill the girl then.”
No. Dear lord, no.

“That’s right, we got her. Now show yourself, or we’ll just have to keep ourselves occupied until you do.” His friends were laughing now. Darius could tell what they were planning.

Don’t do it! Do not go out there, they’ll kill you both! Ignoring the voice of survival screaming at him in his own head, he opened the trap door. He heard swords being drawn in the next room.

“Last chance, boy!”

Darius stepped out, and onto the shop floor. The four men were guards, but the emblems weren’t the usual city guard badges. It was a picture of two crossed keys, the Papal symbol.

Oh crap. These were the same guards he had run away from only a few days earlier, when he had hidden in the abbey. They must have followed him that night.

Their leader stepped forward, and behind him stood a teenage girl. Her clothes were torn, she was covered in cuts, and one eye was completely swollen. She was hardly recognisable, but he knew that face well enough to see it was his sister.

“Aryanna, are you okay?”

She opened her mouth to speak, but thought against it. She didn’t want another beating, so she just shook her head. The guard closest to her chuckled.

“You bastards!” Darius screamed. “I’ll kill you all! You hear me?! I’ll kill you!”
The guards just laughed in disbelief. “How do you expect to kill us, four armed guards, on your own, without a weapon?” They carried on laughing. All but one; the young, uptight guard was obviously against this. He looked at Darius with apologetic eyes.



Edit - and in some bits you start a whole new line for speech whereas in other's you don't

itsamea-mario
08-29-2010, 02:06 AM
what do you mean. if another person has speech then you start a new line, if its the same person it can be kept on the smae line.

Caligula__
08-29-2010, 02:23 AM
isn't the sis getting killed off in the 3rd chapter a bit too soon?

itsamea-mario
08-29-2010, 02:33 AM
well, i suppose it depends on how long its going to be.
it does give him a motive quite early aswell.

Caligula__
08-29-2010, 11:44 PM
I'm writing Chapter 4 atm http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Stormpen
08-29-2010, 11:48 PM
^Eh? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

Caligula__
08-29-2010, 11:49 PM
Originally posted by Stormpen:
^Eh? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

I'm helping him with it http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif he writes during morning/night I write during night/morning but he edits mine and claims as his own http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif (got nothing better to do)

Stormpen
08-30-2010, 12:25 AM
Originally posted by Vx_McTavish_xV:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Stormpen:
^Eh? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

I'm helping him with it http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif he writes during morning/night I write during night/morning but he edits mine and claims as his own http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif (got nothing better to do) </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well here's an idea.... I don't have anything better to do either, lol.

****
Rome was a holy city……… but even holy citizens need to get drunk.
The tavern was nearly empty. The remaining patron’s were dead, severely drunk, or both.
Ezio huddled in a corner, next to a snoring man. It had not been a good day. He’d been chased off the rooftops by some watchmen, and a pigeon had crapped on his shoulder. He’d also found that the Bascilla was heavily guarded, the people of Rome were mainly prostitutes and thieves. Not nice ones either.
A shadow fell over him.
“Not seen you around before.”
The figure sat down. A gnarled hand reached for Ezio’s ale. Ezio didn’t even try to stop him. He was staring at the mans face in horror. A scar ran diagonally across his entire face, twisting his mouth into a permanent snarl.
The stranger took a sip and fixed Ezio with a beady stare. “’choo lookin’ at, boy?”
Ezio looked down. “Nothing”
The man nodded. “That’s an expensive voice ye have there. Noble down on his luck?”
“Something like that.”
“Good opening for a strong man like you in the papal guard, I should think.”
Ezio looked at him curiously. “Papal guard?”
“Yuurrs. His holiness' personal bodyguard.”
“His holiness?”
“Alexander VI. Rodrigo Borgia.” The man was too preoccupied with his drink to see the shadow that passed across Ezio’s face.
“Brutes the lot of ‘em” continued the man. “No brains to speak of, but muscles you could crack rocks with. Crack rocks on. Huh.”
Ezio looked at him carefully. “You’ve been harassed by them?”
“Harassed? They threw me out of my ‘ome!”
“Why?”
“I was a tailor. They took everything I had, couldn’t pay the rent, so I moved out.”
Ezio grinned, an idea forming in his head. “It’s empty now?”
“Yuurrs. Not fit to live in now.”
“Any cellars? Attics?”
“Had a cellar. What’s it to you?”
Ezio slapped the man on the back. “Show me your house.”

Caligula__
08-30-2010, 12:27 AM
looks good, I'll post what I've got so far http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Darius could hardly move despite the strong tug of Milo, he wanted to but he couldn't. He was rooted to the ground by fear and uncertainty. The strong metallic smell of freshly spilt blood filled his mind, the grief filled his heart but most of all he kept on seeing the sharp, unforgiving, merciless blade going through Aryanna. He knew he could've saved her, the one thing that had kept him going for the last seven years! If only he was brave, like his father, not scared like some common sewer trash, some beggar!

"Kid, we've got to move! When they've worked out what has happened the full wrath of the Papal will be upon us!"

Milo gave Darius another strong tug and was surprised by the strong elbow he received to his jaw. Darius came forward for another punch but Milo was ready, as Darius swung Milo partly unsheathed his sword, jerked his hip and body whilst pulling on his sword. The crunch of bone resounded all over the shop as the pommel of Milo's sword hit Darius' jaw.

“Cazzo he’s heavy!”


“Oh merda! What happened?!”

Darius gained consciousness tied to a tree in some kind of courtyard. His jaw was throbbing, he gingerly ground his teeth and whimpered in pain. He took in his surroundings and saw that the courtyard was near the Borgia tower that controlled his district. Many guards were patrolling it and there were arquebruisers on ledges, peering down exploring and near the top he could see a small speck which was most likely the Captain of the Tower.

All around him there were lush trees and flowers, he could smell the lush fragrance of the blooming flowers, birds were calling to each other. It was quite a different world from the poverty that was just below that cliff or even 50 metres away, where the guards were patrolling.

Having taken in his surroundings he looked down to the rope that was securing him to the tree. It was tied in a ______ knot, this was going to be hard. He felt with the tips of his fingers for any loose ends or anything he could loosen the knot with but found nothing, the knot was well above his head. His legs had also been tied to a root so he was in a sitting down position but cross legged. This was going to be incredibly hard but he should be able to get out, after all he wasn’t called The ________ for nothing.

EzioAssassin51
08-30-2010, 12:47 AM
Maybe not post segments of what you wrote... Just write it, then post it up, and everyone can critisize.

BTW, maybe lose the Italian swearing, doesn't work with readin it IMO!

Caligula__
08-30-2010, 12:55 AM
Originally posted by EzioAssassin51:
Maybe not post segments of what you wrote... Just write it, then post it up, and everyone can critisize.

BTW, maybe lose the Italian swearing, doesn't work with readin it IMO!

kk good advice, but it needs Italian swearing cause I won't be allowed to swear in English and by swearing in Italian he kind of lapses into Italian or something because it's his natural language (not exactly like that, more not allowed to swear in English but by swearing in Italian it's allowed and more acceptable... kinda)

Caligula__
08-31-2010, 01:45 AM
can't write much atm