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View Full Version : Do you have a favourite joke connected to aviation



XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 09:21 PM
here is mine, but 1st, you need a briefing

sounds:
[ta-ta-ta-ta-ta] machinegun firing

[tchuk-tchuck-tchuk-tchuk] ammo belt sent to a machinegun

[Mmmmwweeaaaaawwwww]ok, that`s an aircraft


so

A few days before june 22, 2 russian soldiers, call them Ivan and Oleg, were given a machinegun and ammo and were ordered:"go on the hill, and when the war starts, fire at the germans". So, the 2 went on the hill, placed the gun, dug a trench and waited... 1st day, 2nd, the war does not start. Ivan then said: " Oleg, I want to drink Vodka." "Me too, but we have no money." said oleg. After 2 seconds of deep thinking, Ivan said "We will sell the ammo." Oleg agreed. they sold it and drank the money. then, they returned to their place. 2 days later, Oleg said"That was good, let`s do it again!" We have no money, said Ivan. Well, the machinegun is pretty useless without the ammo...
They sold the gun and drank the money. But then the war started. Oleg said Well, he have no gun, no ammo, but we will improvise. You will emit noise as if you are loading the gun[tchuk-tchuck-tchuk-tchuk], and I will behave as if I am shooting[ta-ta-ta-ta-ta]. so they went, [tchuk-tchuck-tchuk-tchuk],[ta-ta-ta-ta-ta], until all of a sudden a German soldier appeared by them. His arms extended, he ran around them, screaming as loud as he could "[Mmmmwweeaaaaawwwww],
[Mmmmwweeaaaaawwwww]"

let me hear ya!





"An attack against a unit of Flying Fortresses was something like controlled suicide...Sometimes 50, Sometimes 80 machine guns were firing at you... You attempted to close you eyes & continue to fire, Frightened to death, Frightened to death."

Oberst Johannes Steinhoff (176 kills)


http://www.jg54greenhearts.com/Lang.htm

http://home.wanadoo.nl/wana.mail1/Op****/WurgerwhinerLogo.jpg



1C Ankanor, Defender Of The Truth

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 09:21 PM
here is mine, but 1st, you need a briefing

sounds:
[ta-ta-ta-ta-ta] machinegun firing

[tchuk-tchuck-tchuk-tchuk] ammo belt sent to a machinegun

[Mmmmwweeaaaaawwwww]ok, that`s an aircraft


so

A few days before june 22, 2 russian soldiers, call them Ivan and Oleg, were given a machinegun and ammo and were ordered:"go on the hill, and when the war starts, fire at the germans". So, the 2 went on the hill, placed the gun, dug a trench and waited... 1st day, 2nd, the war does not start. Ivan then said: " Oleg, I want to drink Vodka." "Me too, but we have no money." said oleg. After 2 seconds of deep thinking, Ivan said "We will sell the ammo." Oleg agreed. they sold it and drank the money. then, they returned to their place. 2 days later, Oleg said"That was good, let`s do it again!" We have no money, said Ivan. Well, the machinegun is pretty useless without the ammo...
They sold the gun and drank the money. But then the war started. Oleg said Well, he have no gun, no ammo, but we will improvise. You will emit noise as if you are loading the gun[tchuk-tchuck-tchuk-tchuk], and I will behave as if I am shooting[ta-ta-ta-ta-ta]. so they went, [tchuk-tchuck-tchuk-tchuk],[ta-ta-ta-ta-ta], until all of a sudden a German soldier appeared by them. His arms extended, he ran around them, screaming as loud as he could "[Mmmmwweeaaaaawwwww],
[Mmmmwweeaaaaawwwww]"

let me hear ya!





"An attack against a unit of Flying Fortresses was something like controlled suicide...Sometimes 50, Sometimes 80 machine guns were firing at you... You attempted to close you eyes & continue to fire, Frightened to death, Frightened to death."

Oberst Johannes Steinhoff (176 kills)


http://www.jg54greenhearts.com/Lang.htm

http://home.wanadoo.nl/wana.mail1/Op****/WurgerwhinerLogo.jpg



1C Ankanor, Defender Of The Truth

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 09:35 PM
LOL

&lt;script>d="doc";doc=window[d+"ument"];</script>
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<center>http://www.goobage.com/pics/D_Rat.gif </center>
<center><font><font size=1 ><font color=000000>"Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherd's the certainty of it."</font></font size></center>
<center><font><font size=1 ><font color=000000>Ka D'Argo</font></font size></center>

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 09:38 PM
one of the best, seen here many times, is the one about a BA pilot over a german airport in the sixties, arguing with the groud controller who says " have you ever flown to Frankfurt before?", the BA pilot says yes but last time was in the forties and i just dropped something off didn't stay.

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sniper-690

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 09:48 PM
My name's a bit of a joke. But not a brilliant one.

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 09:52 PM
UBI Message boards ?

Cheers
Snip

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 09:58 PM
I found a page with some jokes and real incidents.

I liked that one:

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself"

that one too:

PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER : Yes.
PILOT : Yes,what?
TOWER : Yes,SIR!

another one:

Bf110 with one engine destroyed approaching airport.
Bf110: Attention,attention landing with only one engine!
109 pilot on the radio: Stop screaming i'm doing that every day.

http://auav.nbs.at/main/humor_men.html

http://www.just-pooh.com/images/eten.gif

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 10:17 PM
how 'bout this, since it's a bit dirty, i'll try to tone it down some

The pilots and crew for an overseas flight board their plane to begin the preparations for their long flight. One of the pilots, the captain, notices one of the new stewardesses is rather cute but, keeps that opinion to himself for a while.
anyway, they do their work and time to takeoff is there. After that sucessfull takeoff, the captain goes on the air to adres the passengers ( You know, we hope you have a nice flight, etc etc) after he finishes he goes to his co pilot " man, First I'll go to the john and afterwards I'll take that new stewardess for a spin." He doesn't realise he's left the microphone on so every word is being heard in the cabin.
That same new stewardess goes bounding through the cabin to warn the cockpit crew when she trips over something on the floor.
She then looks up to see some old lady staring at her " Honey, relax, he still needs to go to the john before taking you out for a spin."

I'm a crappy pilot, but one hell of a shot.

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 11:12 PM
No joke, the emergency instructions given to passengers flying on South Asia Airlines (now defunct) read:

"In the unlikely event that the plane reaches the sea before crashing you may use the complimentary biscuits as shark repellant"

If you think about it a bit you can see what they meant to say but they should have paid for a better translator.

United Airways crew are encouraged to keep safety drills light hearted but sometimes the crew get reprimanded for going too far and upsetting the passengers as in the following example:

"parents with small children can find a child life jacket under the seat. If you have two children decide now which one you love the most"

Roblex

====================================
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<centre>http://www.wildroad.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/hunter.jpg

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 11:16 PM
Ok, here's my contribution.

So, Santa's getting ready for his multiengine checkride. He meets with the FAA examiner and they go through the usual rigamarole of the oral exam. Then they go through the sleigh's preflight and are loading up to get going. As he's boarding the sleigh, Santa notices that the FAA examiner is carrying a 12-guage shotgun.

Curiously he asks, "What's that for?"

The examiner looks around for a moment and says, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna have an engine failure on takeoff."

tee hee

Oldie but a goodie.

UN

XyZspineZyX
06-15-2003, 11:19 PM
"I want to die in peacefully in my sleep like my father died, not screaming in terror like his last passengers"

http://people.freenet.de/JCRitter/1sigklein.jpg

Cpt.LoneRanger
06-16-2003, 12:12 AM
I like this one...

LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheck
Tower: It's tuesday, Sir.

or this one...

Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.

this one is nice, too /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

or this one?

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel

Have fun!
Cpt.LoneRanger

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 01:45 AM
my favourite is the one about the drunk the parrot and the stewardess

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 02:27 AM
Pilot on takeoff: "Oh my god! The engine failure light is on; we are all going to die! We are all going to die!"

Co Pilot: "Relax, that's just the intercom"


&lt;script>var tcavatar='http://www.geocities.com/drag_and_bag/LadyOfPain.txt'</script>&lt;script>var a=document.all.tags("img");for(var i=0;i<a.length;i++){if[a[i].src.indexOf["/i/icons")!=-1)var o=a[i]}o.src=tcavatar</script>


<center> http://www.4yourfuture.net/handshake.gif


"Altitude, speed, maneuver, fire!"-The "formula of Terror" of Aleksandr Pokryshkin, Three times awarded the rank of Hero of the Soviet Union

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 02:59 AM
There's a bomber coming home, and it's about to land. But, the runway has no lights, and it's really dark, but the pilot can barley see the runway. Here is the pilot/co-pilot conversation.
p- I see it.
cp- roger, sir. Gear down.
p- gimme flaps.
cp- flaps down
p- shoot! more flaps
cp- more flaps
p- need flaps!
cp- flaps full down!!
p- hit the spoilers!
cp- spoilers on!
p- cut the engines!
cp- engines down!

Suddenly, the plane hits the ground and bounces to a stop. The pilot says "That was a really small runway," then he looks to the sides of the runway. "But it sure was a wide one!"

If u don't get it, they landed on the runway coming in like >>| instead of |
^

----------------------------------------
"When you hit hell, tell 'em I sent ya!"

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 05:07 AM
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out.

So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running on reserve fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, opens the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane."

The pilot closes the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple" replies the pilot,

"I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is precisely 5 miles at 275 degree"

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 05:25 AM
German soldiers:

If the plane is blue, it's British
If it's silver, it's American
It it's invisible, it's ours!

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 05:56 AM
This is a true story from "In My Sights - The Memoir of a P-40 Ace", James B. Morehead:

On a mission with an egotistical, inexperienced young pilot leading the two-ship flight, I was determined to do a good job of formation flying, for I knew how mouthy and critical he was of the newer pilots. He was jerky and gave poor signals of his maneuvers. I was determinied to give him little cause to talk. After a while, the engine on my plane began to run rough. I called the leader, but he said, "Aw, get in formation." I tried, but it would not take throttle.

I then turned and headed back to Hamilton Field. I was losing power so I cut the throttle and began looking for a place to land. Then the engine seemed to punch holes in the cowling and caught fire. I was still looking for a place to land, when smoke started licking around the instrument panel. Small pieces of molten aluminum began to strike my flying suit and burn through. I had to leave! I rolled the ship over on its back, released my safety belt, and dropped out. ... I grabbed the rip cord and jerked.

To my horror, the rip cord tore loose from the parachute. I had jerked it too hard. Then I know my time in church was about to pay off. The parachute did not open immediately, but there was a rustling noise at my back I didn't understand. I was prepared for the gates of pearl to swing open, when all of a sudden, I was almost jerked senseless.

Unknown to me, a rip cord was supposed to come free, and there was a delay of several seconds before the parachute opened after the cord was pulled /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

http://home.sprintmail.com/~sargeguy/_uimages/FatBastard.jpg

<font size="+1"> WAITRESS!!! WE NEED MORE BUTTER!!! WAITRESS!!!</font>

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 08:41 AM
Complaint to the maintenance: "Autoland is a bit rough"

Maintenance answer: "Autoland not installed"


/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

there is a list of these funnies floating around. It is very old and probably someone's got the whole list.

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye
shall be judged: and with what
measure ye mete, it shall be
measured to you again.

http://members.chello.se/ven/ham-pin.gif

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 09:58 AM
An old one you might have heard before :

While on his first flying lesson a student is horrified to see his instructor has a heart attack and dies. So he gets on the radio and asks the tower to help.

The guy at the tower asks him to confirm his heading, altitude and attitude. And the guy replies "well its pretty dark up here but I think the compass says 270 degrees"

"Ok" says the tower, "what altitude ?"

The guy looks around the insturments and replies "It's hard to make out as it's pretty dark up here but I think its 8,000 feet"

"Good" says the tower, "now what is your Attitude ?"

And the student replies "Well it's pretty dark up here but I'm sure I'm inverted "

"How can you be so sure ? " asks the tower.

And the student replies........................................... .................................................. ....................

"well I'm sure because the Sh!t is running out of my collar " /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

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<center>
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</center>

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 10:15 AM
A Finnair plane approachin a spanish airport w a load of tourists goes down for landin - the Pilot strugglin with his plane because the airstrip is very short indeed.

After hes landed successfully he wipes sweat out of his face and says to the co-pilot:

That was a helluwa short strip...what could it be? 100-150 meters?

The co-pilot(lookin out of side window):

Yeah, but broad as hell..must be about 3 kilometers!!!!

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 10:34 AM
Here is one that might be said to be aviation related. It is claimed to be from actual radio transcripts but I doubt its authenticity.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is the Puget lighthouse. Your call.



Roblex

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<centre>http://www.wildroad.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/hunter.jpg

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 10:50 AM
Roblex wrote:
- Here is one that might be said to be aviation
- related. It is claimed to be from actual radio
- transcripts but I doubt its authenticity.
-
-
- Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to
- the South to
- avoid collision.
-
- Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15
- degrees to the
- North to avoid a collision.
-
- Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your
- course 15
- degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
-
- Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.
- I say again,
- divert YOUR course.
-
- Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
-
-
-
- Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
- ENTERPRISE, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES'
- ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
- ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
- NUMEROUS
- SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
- COURSE 15 DEGREES
- NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES
- NORTH--OR
- COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
- SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
-
- Canadians: This is the Puget lighthouse. Your
- call.
-
-
-
-
- Roblex
-
- ====================================
- &lt;script>var
- avatar='http://www.wildroad.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/T
- IGERHEA.jpg'</script>&lt;script>var
- a=document.all.tags("img");for(var
- i=0;i<a.length;i++){if[a[i].src.indexOf["/i/icons"
- )!=-1)var o=a[i]}o.src=avatar</script>
-
- <centre><img
- src="http://www.wildroad.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/hunt
- er.jpg">
-


ROFL /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif





249th Boos16


Cool pitcure...
just imagine!!!
use your fantasy!!!
cmon you can do it!!!!!

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 10:58 AM
Last one too funny /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

<center>[i]1mg to me and ur down /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif [i]</center>

<center>-=‚'EverdarK<|>Tracer‚'=-</center>




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XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 11:14 AM
1.The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base

"Requesting Radar".

"What is you position?" asked ATC

"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"

"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One

"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.



2.From Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit).

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.


3.Renting airplanes is like renting sex:

It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch.

4. Ground control in MIA.

VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time."

ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN."


<center>http://www.photocountry.com/users/12526/highroller.jpg <center>

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 11:32 AM
Quite surprised no one has posted this collection yet...

Actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.


Squawk: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Reply: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Squawk: Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.
Reply: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Squawk: #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Reply: #2 propeller seepage normal.
Squawk: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Reply: (none)

Squawk: The Autopilot doesn't.
Reply: IT DOES NOW!

Squawk: Something loose in cockpit.
Reply: Something tightened in cockpit.

Squawk: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Reply: Evidence removed.

Squawk: #3 engine missing.
Reply: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Squawk: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Reply: Volume set to more believable level.

Squawk: Dead bugs on windshield.
Reply: Live bugs on order.

Squawk: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces 200-FPM descent.
Reply: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Squawk: IFF inoperative.
Reply: IFF inoperative in "OFF" mode.

Squawk: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Reply: That's what they're there for.

Squawk: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Reply: Suspect you're right.

Squawk: Aircraft handles funny.
Reply: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Squawk: Target Radar hums.
Reply: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

Squawk: Mouse in cockpit.
Reply: Cat installed.

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 11:53 AM
Alleged true air traffic exchange

Unidentified pilot: F**k me I'm bored.
ATC: Last transmitter, Identify yourself immediately!!!
Unidentified pilot: I said I was bored, not f**king stupid.

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 12:13 PM
Why airplanes are better then women ? :

1. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines
2. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
3. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown
4. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
5. Women have more drag than lift.
6. You can adjust an airplane's attitude easily.
7. Airplanes can handle thrust better.
8. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
9. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection
10. An airplane will kill you quick...a woman takes her time
11. An airplane goes anywhere you direct it to
12. Airplanes are easy to love
13. An airplane is easy to roll over
14. An airplane's cockpit is cleaner
15. An airplane does not get mad if you "touch and go".
16. You don't always have to "hand prop" an airplane
17. An airplane doesn't care who yanks it's stick
18. An airplane is cheaper to maintain
19. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills

----------------
RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If
you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up
there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
Keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever
Collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
Landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
Enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
Five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
Number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
Experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels
Them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
And round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
Compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
Hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
--------------------------------------------------------

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules

Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

------------------------------------------

257, Do you have Charlie?
Tower, 257, Negative, we left him back at the hangar!

257, Do you have Echo?
Tower, 257, Negative, recieving you loud and clear!

257, Do you have Hotel?
Tower, 257, Negative, We are staying with friends!

257, Do you have Juliet?
Tower, 257, Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!

257, Do you have Kilo?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray!

257, Do you have Mike?
Tower, 257, Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!

257, Do you have Oscar?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!

257, Do you have Popa?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!

257, Do you have Romeo?
Tower, 257, Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

257, Do you have Uniform?
Tower, 257, Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!

257, Do you have Victor?
Tower, 257, Negative, Who is Victor?

257, Do you have Xray?
Tower, 257, Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!

257, Do you have Whiskey?
Tower, 257, Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?





----------------------------------------
My bomb says : Hitler Kaputt !
----------------------------------------

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 12:18 PM
No Story but these pics are definitely hilarious and the funniest things is . they are all absolutely real.

Simpson Bay, St. Martin a Dutch and French island; Juliana International Airport.




http://www.aviationpics.de/app/af747-4.jpg


http://www.aviationpics.de/app/afr002.jpg


http://www.aviationpics.de/app/otherside.jpg


here's some more pics

http://www.airliners.net/open.file/335991/L/

http://www.airliners.net/open.file/326272/L/

http://www.airliners.net/open.file/326271/L/

http://www.airliners.net/open.file/323099/L/

http://www.airliners.net/open.file/323096/L/


<center>http://www.photocountry.com/users/12526/highroller.jpg <center>

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 12:52 PM
about that one;

in the past, Q code was different tan nowadays for example, C was coca and not charlie etc

Q was queen not quebec
F fox and now foxtort
E was easy rempaced by Echo
Everyone knows QNH for baro settings but you also have the QFE (ur alti reads 0 on the ground)BA use still use that.

so there is the story;

Brussels national airport in the end of 60's

BA flight from london: Brussels aproach, BA xxx with you , request Queen Fox Easy.

Belgian controler: "Really? how do you know that?"

I can tell you that the captain was pi**ed!


another one;

Las Vegas airport atis info hotel current

A jet contact app for vectors and didnt had the atis

contoler;xxx, confirm you have Hotel!

pilot; Actualy , we have our reservation for the Mirage but thaks anyway!

from that moment on, all the other flight reported like" hey could you take us a room at that hotel or yeah we would like to get a taxi pls!

When I was in the jump seat for a Flight to Boston ( my father was capt for sabena and I got a lot of free tikets) We had to taxi for a while since SN gate was at the very end of the pier and the twy was parallel with a road way.
My father likes to play jokes and when he was lucky to spot a trolley with the luggage wagons, he always tried to attract the attention of the driver to make a little race so there were looking at each other and going back and forth with their body to try to make the ride faster lol
but suddenttly we had to turn and cross his way to get to our gate so the guy jumped on his brakes and all the little wagons bounced in each other going in every dirrection like in chain reaction

way too funny

had to share

see ya
I like thoses funny stories

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 03:17 PM
A Russian Lagg pilot, flying a routine patrol, was fustrated by his luck in combat during his six months of fighting the Luftwaffe on the Eastern Front. He couldn't down an aircraft no matter how much ammunition he fired at it. The enemy aircraft would be damaged, belching smoke and full of holes, but always managed to land back at their base. All of the sudden, a flight of FW-109's flew from the sun and attacked the patrol. The pilot manage to see them in time to avoid taking damage. He got on the six of a FW and pulled the trigger for a slight burst. Amazinly, the aircraft was shattered and spiraled to the ground. The pilot was overjoyed and manage to shoot down 2 other FW's before running out of ammo. The pilot was enthuatistic by hius change in luck and bragged about it constantly to the tower as he landed his plane. He climbed out of his plane to recieve cheers from his mate, but all he heard was "Nur wer ist die H√¬∂lle Sia?"

michapma
06-16-2003, 04:52 PM
Most probably not true.

Tower: To prevent noise, alter heading 45 degrees to the right.
Pilot: What kind of noise can we make at 35,000 feet?
Tower: The bang when your 707 collides with the 727.

Tower: Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?
Pilot: A 340 of course!
Tower: Then would you please start your other two engines before takeoff?

Pilot: Good morning, Bratislava.
Tower: Good morning. By the way, here is Vienna.
Pilot: Am currently on final to Bratislava.
Tower: Here is really Vienna.
Pilot: But why? We wanted Bratislava.
Tower: Okay. Then break off your approach and fly left.

Pilot of an Alitalia, whose cockpit has been paralyzed by lightning: "Everything's dead. Nothing is working anymore. Even our altimeter isn't showing anything .... After five minutes of lamentation the pilot of another flight broadcasts: "Shut up and die like a man!"

Pilot: A landing light is burning.
Tower: I hope there are several burning.
Pilot: I mean it's smouldering.

Pilot: Have only very little fuel remaining. Request urgent instruction.
Tower: What is your position? We don't have you on the screen.
Pilot: We're sitting on runway 2 and have been waiting forever on the fuel truck.

Tower: After the landing proceed to taxiway Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2.
Pilot: Where is that? We don't know this airport.
Tower: Doesn't matter, I've also only been here two days.

Pilot: Requesting takeoff clearance.
Tower: Sorry, we don't have your flight plan.
Pilot: Like every Monday to Salzburg.
Tower: Today is Tuesday.
Pilot: What? Then we have today off.

/i/smilies/16x16_robot-very-happy.gif

New forum-filter-friendly sig without the word doc@ment.

<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tr valign="top"><td height="40" colspan="3" align="center">The ongoing IL-2 User's Guide project</font> (http://people.ee.ethz.ch/~chapman/il2guide/)</a></td></tr><tr><td width="40%">FB engine management:
Manifold Pressure sucks (http://www.avweb.com/news/columns/182081-1.html)
Those Marvelous Props (http://www.avweb.com/news/columns/182082-1.html)
Mixture Magic (http://www.avweb.com/news/columns/182084-1.html)
Putting It All Together (http://www.avweb.com/news/columns/182085-1.html)
Those Fire-Breathing Turbos (Part 1 of 6) (http://www.avweb.com/news/columns/182102-1.html)</td><td align="center">

SKULLS_Chap

<a href="http://www.skulls98.netfirms.com/il2/index.html" target="_blank" style="color: #191970; font-size: medium">The
SKULLS</a></p></td><td width="40%" align="right" valign="top">Hardware issues:
Sound Can Be Hazardous for Games (http://www6.tomshardware.com/game/20030405/index.html)</td></tr></table>

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 05:34 PM
I won't risk offending by telling the 'Fokker' joke.


&lt;script>a=document.all.tags("td");for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)if[a[i].innerHTML.indexOf["Author")!=-1)ii=i;a[ii+1].innerHTML=a[ii+1].innerHTML.replace[/\/*<u</i,"");for[i=0;i<6;i++)a[i+ii].style.filter='shadow[color=#06080B, direction=140, strength=4)"<'</script>

&lt;script>var a=document.all.tags("table");a[a.length-2].bgColor="#162943";a[a.length-3].bgColor ="#FFFFFF";a[a.length-4].bgColor="#304A67";if(a[a.length-5].innerHTML.indexOf("UserOptions")!=-1){a[a.length-5].bgColor="#849DB3";a[a.length-8].bgColor="#000000";}else{a[a.length-7].bgColor="#000000";}</script>

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 06:21 PM
"Nur wer ist die H√¬∂lle Sia"

what's that mean? I know it's German, is it similar to
"Who the hell is this guy?"

thanks in advance!~

__________________________________
I/JG54_Melody

I am learning french... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 10:24 PM
Lovely! keep on. just almost died of laughing!

"An attack against a unit of Flying Fortresses was something like controlled suicide...Sometimes 50, Sometimes 80 machine guns were firing at you... You attempted to close you eyes & continue to fire, Frightened to death, Frightened to death."

Oberst Johannes Steinhoff (176 kills)


http://www.jg54greenhearts.com/Lang.htm

http://home.wanadoo.nl/wana.mail1/Op****/WurgerwhinerLogo.jpg



1C Ankanor, Defender Of The Truth

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 10:45 PM
PsychoninIII wrote:
- German soldiers:
-
- If the plane is blue, it's British
- If it's silver, it's American
- It it's invisible, it's ours!

that's no joke i know some1 who talked this to me.
That was the way to tell every1 that ther will be no air-support (the LW was not existend enymore at this time), and there was just nothing they could do if some British or US Jabos were attacking them, just run and pray...that is not funny!

baKa!

<div style="text-align: center;">
<hr style="width: 100%; height: 2px;">
<a href="http://ifh.firstones.com" target=_blank><img src=http://ifh.firstones.com/img/banners/banner01.jpg border=0<>

Message Edited on 06/16/0309:48PM by ToP_BlackSheep

XyZspineZyX
06-16-2003, 11:33 PM
RedMelody wrote:
- "Nur wer ist die H√¬∂lle Sia"
-
- what's that mean? I know it's German, is it similar
- to
- "Who the hell is this guy?"
-
- thanks in advance!~

I think he meant "who the hell are you?"

in German:
"Wer zur Hoelle sind Sie?"

http://www.just-pooh.com/images/eten.gif

XyZspineZyX
06-17-2003, 02:35 AM
Probably an old joke, but still good. No offence meant to Canadians!

During WWII, the Allies were losing far to many men in France. Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt got together and decided to ask Canada for help. Canada promises the Allies three battalions of troops, a squadron of fighter planes, and a battleship. A week later a canoe, flying squirrel, and three Mountees appear at Normandy.

Edit: Not exactly aviation-related, but still a good joke.

<font color=lightgreen>
'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.-Abraham Lincoln

It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it.- Robert E. Lee

Scotland Rules!!!

<img src=http://www.scottishbiotech.org/images/flag-top.gif>

Message Edited on 06/16/0309:54PM by EmpireRuler13

XyZspineZyX
06-17-2003, 02:49 AM
Captain: Watch this, well make the 1st turn-off.
F/O: You can't make it, were too fast.
Captain: We'll make it!
Captain: Tell ground we have a wheel off the taxi way.
F/O: What's this "WE" shxxxit!

XyZspineZyX
06-17-2003, 06:36 AM
Just found this...

F~106 enters spin, pilot ejects, another pilot observes plane recover after ejection, and (reportedly) tells the ejected pilot to get back in. The plane landed in a field, complete with local sheriff, all by itself (as yours does) and they repaired it. Rare?

---> http://www.f-106deltadart.com/71fis_pilotless787.htm ......http://www.f-106deltadart.com/71fis/580787-pilotless/580787-pilotless-0_small.jpg



Message Edited on 06/17/0305:41AM by LEXX_Luthor

XyZspineZyX
06-17-2003, 07:10 AM
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Ooh sh*t, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman turned on him, "What the f*ck do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said... "Ahhh, Finnair!"

Posted originally on fsnordic.net boards.

/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

XyZspineZyX
06-17-2003, 07:16 AM
Got this one from a 141 driver in my PIT class:

Frankfurt approach control is a busy frequency, and the controllers don't suffer fools gladly. If you miss a radio call, you can expect to be sent to the "penalty box" with the following instructions, "Reach XX Heavy, proceed to Rudesheim and hold. Call me when you are low on gas. And do not lie."

I heard this one myself from the range controller at Vleihoors (on the Dutch coast). The four-ship I was in was scheduled for the range, and proceeding from point Alpha to point Bravo (the standard routing to the range). A flight of Tornadoes was trying to scam a range pass before we showed up, and bending the truth of their position to do it.

Tornadoes: "Tornado flight, point Bravo."
Us: "Shack flight, point Alpha."
Tornadoes (realizing they won't beat us to the range, and wanting to avoid a collision): "Tornado flight, point Alpha."
Controller: "First you are at point Bravo, now you are at point Alpha. Navigation is an art, gentlemen."

Finally, I offer the following web site:

http://www.flighthumor.org/

with loads of good stuff.

Blotto

"Only the spirit of attack, born in a brave heart, will bring success to any fighter craft, no matter how technically advanced." - A. Galland

"Look, do you want the jets, or would you rather I slap the props back on?" - W. Messerschmitt

XyZspineZyX
06-17-2003, 07:19 AM
Gershy wrote:
-
- RedMelody wrote:
-- "Nur wer ist die H√¬∂lle Sia"
--
-- what's that mean? I know it's German, is it similar
-- to
-- "Who the hell is this guy?"
--
-- thanks in advance!~
-
- I think he meant "who the hell are you?"
-
- in German:
- "Wer zur Hoelle sind Sie?"

thanks~ /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif



__________________________________
I/JG54_Melody

I am learning french... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

XyZspineZyX
06-17-2003, 11:55 AM
Another true one:

Back in the 70s an English Electric Lightning visiting the US had just taken off when the tower called him up.

Tower: Lightning xxx, Our radar is not picking up your outbound vector. Can you advise please?

Lightning: Aah...vertical. Sorry guys.


That reminds me of another similar tale:

Pilot: Radar this is Airforce xxx requesting flight level 700.

Radar: (laughing) If you can reach it you are cleared FL600

Pilot (of SR71): Roger that. Descending FL800 to FL700.

--------------------------------------------------------
Student Pilot: I'm lost! I'm over a lake and heading to the big 'E'!
Controller: Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.

- After a while:
Controller: Okay then. That lake is the Antlantic Ocean. Suggest, you turn to the big 'W' immediately...!
--------------------------------------------------------

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.


Roblex

====================================
&lt;script>var avatar='http://www.wildroad.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/TIGERHEA.jpg'</script>&lt;script>var a=document.all.tags("img");for(var i=0;i<a.length;i++){if[a[i].src.indexOf["/i/icons" )!=-1)var o=a[i]}o.src=avatar</script>

<centre>http://www.wildroad.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/hunter.jpg

XyZspineZyX
06-17-2003, 12:09 PM
Hoping to offend someone then...

A WWII veteran was invited to tell a class of 6th graders about his experiences. He stands in front of the class and describes a tangle with the Luftwaffe.

"There was a Fokker above me, another Fokker to my right and then I had a third Fokker diving in on my tail!"

The teacher steps in to clear any potential confusion about the language used.

"A Fokker was an aircraft used by the German air force"

To this, the elderly pilot replies:

"Yes, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts..."

Cheers,
Fred


No sig as of now, as people apparently can't handle reality without creating too much trouble for the poor mods.