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FI_Willie
05-08-2005, 09:27 PM
If you didn't know much before, read this and you'll know even less!

Definitions:

180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.

A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.

Aerial - That part of the aircraft most frequently broken off during the walk-around preflight inspection that pilots do to see if anything is broken off.

Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.

Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its aeroplanes names like Gipsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.

Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.

Airfoil - 1. Sword used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers. 2. What pilots wrap their sandwiches in.

Airframe - When the FAA inspector knows that you have only a student license and sends his kids to bum a ride with you in the plane.

Air Mass - Impromptu religious service held on board an aircraft immediately following an announcement by the pilot that he is lost, having an engine problem, or running out of fuel.

Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.

Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2.True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy aviator. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.

Airstrip - In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.

Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.

Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.

Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.

Arctic Frost - Attitude shown by uncooperative stewardess (also see "Horizontally Opposed").

Arresting Gear - Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.

Aspect Ratio - 36-24-36.

Autopilot - A would-be airplane pilot who flunked his checkride.

Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.

Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.

Caged Gyro - Not much more docile than a wild gyro.

Caging the Gyro - Easier with domestic species.

Captain - 1. Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. 2. Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.

Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.

Carburetor Icing - 1. Usually vanilla. 2. A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.

Certificated Aircraft - One that has all hazardous features camouflaged.

Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.

Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.

Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Pieces of wood the lineboy slips in front of the wheels while the pilot isn't looking.

Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.

Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.

Course - Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be "off-course."

Crab - 1. A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success. 2. Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique. 3. Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").

Crash - To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").

Cuban 8 - A family of political refugees in Miami.

Dead Reckoning - You reckon correctly, or you are.

De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wings.

Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.

Drag Chute - Emergency escape slide near copilot's window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women's clothes.

Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.

FAA - Fear And Alarm .

Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."

Final Approach - 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student pilot's first landing.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.

Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.

Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

Glide Distance - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel .

Grass Strip - Often performed by exotic female flight attendants while enroute to Hawaii.

Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.

Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.

Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.

Horizontally Opposed - NO!! (Also see "Arctic Frost")

Hotel - The letter H as pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most often heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight attendants.

Hydroplane - An airplane designed to land on a wet, 20,000-foot-long runway.

Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female flight attendant to put on women's clothes against his will.

Jet-assisted Takeoff - 1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747. 2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.

Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.

Kilometer - A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.

Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.

Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

Magneto - 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!" 2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."

Mode - Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.

Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")

National Airport - Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.

Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.

Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.

Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.

Parasitic Drag - A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.

Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.

Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.

Pitot Tube - On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.

Prop Wash - 1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots. 2. Pilots' equivalent of "hogwash."

Pylon - All aboard!

Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.

Range - Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Roger - The most popular name in radio.

Runway - 1. Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act (also see "Airstrip"). 2. Ramp extending from the stage into the audience area at all good burlesque houses in Vegas.

S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.

Safety Belt - Drink taken by instructor before flying with difficult student.

Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.

Skin Drag - Costume party in San Francisco.

Slip - Apparel worn by some pilots.

Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").

Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late because you spent the money on flying.

Stewardess - A pretty gal who asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can't get it.

Suitable Landing Site - An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost (also see "Arctic Frost").

Tactics - What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.

Taildragger - 1. An old pilot after a long flight. 2. A young pilot who over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.

Tailwind - Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.

Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight"). 3. A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skin-tight red jumpsuits.

Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.

Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.

Windsock - Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.

Wingstrut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at the student.

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major_setback
05-09-2005, 05:33 AM
This is fun! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

From me:

Terminal building - Last abode of the die-hard flyer.

Flaps - State-of-mind brought about by an ariel emergency. Usually refers to cabin crew.

Flaps up - Phrase used to describe a person who easily reaches this state.

Wing - To catch the elbow of one of the flight crew with you baggage trolley.

Taxi - To, by taking much-to-much time, and by taking the longest route possible, get from A to B.

Joystick - Pilots always have one hand on this.

Roll - Airline food.

Mixture - Used by the pilot to avoid hiccupping when starting the engine.

Elevator - Going up...or down.

Gunsight - Airport X-ray machine.

Toggle gunsight - Airport X-ray machine cunningly disguised as a duffel-coat.

Landing light - Always turn this off before going to bed.



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Happy Day!!!!



major_setback.

major_setback
05-13-2005, 09:36 AM
Here's some more:

Chocks - In-flight snacks.

Chocks away - Duty free.

Hat switch - Seasonal adjustments determined by weather conditions.

De-ice - ...goes in de Whiskey.

Tallyho1961
05-13-2005, 12:34 PM
Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female flight attendant to put on women's clothes against his will. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


I think LuckyBoy deserves credit for this, it's in the thread about the DC lost Cessna pilot:

IFR - I Follow Roads

LStarosta
05-13-2005, 02:52 PM
LOL classic.


Here's a lil' somethin' somethin':

A Flying students' diary..

Week 1

Monday: Rain

Tuesday: Rain

Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either

Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take
instructor to lunch.

Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover
instructor with lunch.

Week 2

Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big
scratch as marker to set pitch.

Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING."
Also hates when I call instruments "GADGETS"

Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off.
Instructor seems to think I missed something.

Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today.
Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first
compliment.

Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight
yet.

Week 3

Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling
her "BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted
flight.

Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He got
mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.

Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have
established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine.
Aha--progress!

Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also
did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancée's
house as point again.

Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final
formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!

Week 4

Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the
captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor
says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.

Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such
an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but
to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out
of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor
says his back bothers him only a little.

Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot
lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.

Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told
him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.

Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone
actually laugh until they cried before.