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EURO_Snoopy
04-03-2005, 07:38 AM
Clip from the forthcoming Movie 'The life of Oleg'

[holy music]

Mods:
Master! Master!...

Oleg:
Hey! Is there another sim as good as mine?

Is there another path down to sim happiness?

Patch Whiner THE HOLY MAN:
Mmmmmmm.

Oleg:
Please! Please help me! I've got to get--

Patch Whiner:
Mm.
[whump]
Oh, my foot! Oh!

Oleg:
Shhhh.

Patch Whiner:
Oh, darn, darn, darn!

Oleg:
Well, I'm sorry. Shhh.

Patch Whiner:
Oh, darn, darn, and blast it!

Oleg:
I'm sorry. Shhhh!

Patch Whiner:
Don't you 'shhhh' me. two weeks of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me!

Oleg:
What?

Patch Whiner:
I've kept my vow for two weeks. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips.

Oleg:
Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes?

Patch Whiner:
Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last two weeks I've wanted to shout and sing and...

Oleg:
Shhhh.

Patch Whiner:
...scream the patch is out! Oh, I'm alive!

Oleg:
Shhh.

Patch Whiner:
allied torpedo bombers!

Oleg:
Shhh.

Patch Whiner:
allied torpedo bombers! allied torpedo bombers, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! allied torpedo bombers. allied... the relinq--

Mods:
Master! The Master! Master! Master!...

IL2 Fanboy:
The Master! Aha. He is here!

Ivan:
Master!

Mods:
The patch!...

UBI_Razz:
The patch has brought us here!

UBI_Razz and Hunter:
Speak!

Mods:
Shhhhh!

UBI_Razz and Hunter:
Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!

Oleg:
Go away!

Mods:
A blessing! A blessing!

UBI_Razz:
How shall we go away, Master?!

Oleg:
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!

IL2 Fanboy:
Give us a sign!

UBI_Razz:
He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place!

Oleg:
I didn't bring you here! You just followed me!

IL2 Fanboy:
Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.

UBI_Razz:
Master! Your people have waited many months for Pacific Fighters completion!

They are weary and have not seen an official update this week

Oleg:
It's not my fault there's been no update!

UBI_Razz:
There is no update on this website!

Oleg:
Well, what about the update on the French website?

Mods:
Hhhh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!...

IL2 Fanboy:
He has made the French fruitful by His words.

CFS_Refugee:
They have brought forth French updates.

Oleg:
Of course they've brought French updates! They're a French website! What do you expect?!

ELSIE:
Show us another Update!

UBI_Razz:
Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the update on the French website enough?!

Patch Whiner:
I say, those are my updates.

UBI_Razz:
They are a gift from Oleg!

Patch Whiner:
They're all I've bloody seen for a week. Uhm. I say, get off those updates!

Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on.

Hunter:
Oleg! I am affected by a corrupt patch.

BLIND MAN:
I am healed! The Master has healed me!

Oleg:
I didn't touch him!

BLIND MAN:
I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!
[whump]

Mods:
A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!

Patch Whiner:
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for two weeks till he came along.

Mods:
A miracle! He is a magician!

Patch Whiner:
Well, he hurt my foot!

Mods:
Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine...

UBI_Razz:
Hail Wizard of the Flight Sim world!

Oleg:
I'm not a magician!

UBI_Razz:
I say You are, Sir, and I should know. I've followed a few.

Mods:
Hail the magician!

Oleg:
I'm not a magician! Will you please listen? I am not a magician, do you understand?! Honestly!

GIRL:
Only a true Magician denies His gift.

Oleg:
What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am a magician!

Mods:
He is! He is a magician!
Oleg:
Now, feck off!
[silence]

UBI_Razz:
How shall we feck off, O Wizard?

Oleg:
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.

Patch Whiner:
You told these people to download my updates. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my updates!!!

Oleg:
Oh, lay off!

UBI_Razz:
This is a Wizard, the Chosen One!

Patch Whiner:
No, he's not.

Oleg:
Aaaagh!

UBI_Razz:
An unbeliever!

Mods:
An unbeliever!

UBI_Razz:
Persecute! Kill the heretic!

Mods:
Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!
...
Oleg:
Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please!

Thanks are due to the Monty Python team who made this post possible

EURO_Snoopy
04-03-2005, 07:38 AM
Clip from the forthcoming Movie 'The life of Oleg'

[holy music]

Mods:
Master! Master!...

Oleg:
Hey! Is there another sim as good as mine?

Is there another path down to sim happiness?

Patch Whiner THE HOLY MAN:
Mmmmmmm.

Oleg:
Please! Please help me! I've got to get--

Patch Whiner:
Mm.
[whump]
Oh, my foot! Oh!

Oleg:
Shhhh.

Patch Whiner:
Oh, darn, darn, darn!

Oleg:
Well, I'm sorry. Shhh.

Patch Whiner:
Oh, darn, darn, and blast it!

Oleg:
I'm sorry. Shhhh!

Patch Whiner:
Don't you 'shhhh' me. two weeks of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me!

Oleg:
What?

Patch Whiner:
I've kept my vow for two weeks. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips.

Oleg:
Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes?

Patch Whiner:
Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last two weeks I've wanted to shout and sing and...

Oleg:
Shhhh.

Patch Whiner:
...scream the patch is out! Oh, I'm alive!

Oleg:
Shhh.

Patch Whiner:
allied torpedo bombers!

Oleg:
Shhh.

Patch Whiner:
allied torpedo bombers! allied torpedo bombers, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! allied torpedo bombers. allied... the relinq--

Mods:
Master! The Master! Master! Master!...

IL2 Fanboy:
The Master! Aha. He is here!

Ivan:
Master!

Mods:
The patch!...

UBI_Razz:
The patch has brought us here!

UBI_Razz and Hunter:
Speak!

Mods:
Shhhhh!

UBI_Razz and Hunter:
Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!

Oleg:
Go away!

Mods:
A blessing! A blessing!

UBI_Razz:
How shall we go away, Master?!

Oleg:
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!

IL2 Fanboy:
Give us a sign!

UBI_Razz:
He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place!

Oleg:
I didn't bring you here! You just followed me!

IL2 Fanboy:
Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.

UBI_Razz:
Master! Your people have waited many months for Pacific Fighters completion!

They are weary and have not seen an official update this week

Oleg:
It's not my fault there's been no update!

UBI_Razz:
There is no update on this website!

Oleg:
Well, what about the update on the French website?

Mods:
Hhhh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!...

IL2 Fanboy:
He has made the French fruitful by His words.

CFS_Refugee:
They have brought forth French updates.

Oleg:
Of course they've brought French updates! They're a French website! What do you expect?!

ELSIE:
Show us another Update!

UBI_Razz:
Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the update on the French website enough?!

Patch Whiner:
I say, those are my updates.

UBI_Razz:
They are a gift from Oleg!

Patch Whiner:
They're all I've bloody seen for a week. Uhm. I say, get off those updates!

Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on.

Hunter:
Oleg! I am affected by a corrupt patch.

BLIND MAN:
I am healed! The Master has healed me!

Oleg:
I didn't touch him!

BLIND MAN:
I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!
[whump]

Mods:
A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!

Patch Whiner:
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for two weeks till he came along.

Mods:
A miracle! He is a magician!

Patch Whiner:
Well, he hurt my foot!

Mods:
Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine...

UBI_Razz:
Hail Wizard of the Flight Sim world!

Oleg:
I'm not a magician!

UBI_Razz:
I say You are, Sir, and I should know. I've followed a few.

Mods:
Hail the magician!

Oleg:
I'm not a magician! Will you please listen? I am not a magician, do you understand?! Honestly!

GIRL:
Only a true Magician denies His gift.

Oleg:
What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am a magician!

Mods:
He is! He is a magician!
Oleg:
Now, feck off!
[silence]

UBI_Razz:
How shall we feck off, O Wizard?

Oleg:
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.

Patch Whiner:
You told these people to download my updates. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my updates!!!

Oleg:
Oh, lay off!

UBI_Razz:
This is a Wizard, the Chosen One!

Patch Whiner:
No, he's not.

Oleg:
Aaaagh!

UBI_Razz:
An unbeliever!

Mods:
An unbeliever!

UBI_Razz:
Persecute! Kill the heretic!

Mods:
Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!
...
Oleg:
Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please!

Thanks are due to the Monty Python team who made this post possible

SeaNorris
04-03-2005, 07:41 AM
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Sorry S_N too many http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif made the post harder to read

p1ngu666
04-03-2005, 09:48 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

tsisqua
04-03-2005, 09:49 AM
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Poor Oleg . . . An ordinary geek, just like the rest of us . . . Someone who worked so hard to create a flight sim for the eastern front . . . because all of the other combat flight sims FORGOT his people and their contributions to the great war. So he made it the best that had ever been done.

And so, Ubi picks this Russian sim up for distribution in the west. Good news for Oleg and his helpers at 1C, eh? Of course! However, I don't think that he was ready for "Could we pleeeeeeease have a few western front planes? Nothing we have is as good as what you and 1C have created!!!" He was flying online with us, and visiting this forum as often as any average user. "Ok, frinds http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif" Oleg says. "I will add a few planes that some of you 3d modellers have created. It will take some time to add them into the code, as I must create complete flight models that will apply to the planes".

And he did! It was released as a "patch" that was NOT a "fix my broken, incomplete sim" patch, but a d@mn gift!!! Now, here's where it gets really wierd: The press and fans of the IL2 game all say: "What beautiful marketing strategy! This man knows how to make money!" Wait a minute . . . unless I am mistaken, NOBODY in Russia was Bill Gaites, or Donald Trump, or Steve Forbes before the end of the USSR! So this ordinary worker for the former Soviet Union is now all of a sudden the Howard Hughes of flight sims? I don't think so! He was just a nice guy, with all of the faults and beauty that any other human being has. And was doing what he had done all his life: He took pride in a job well done, because in the old days, that's all that he, or any other worker had.

"Give us more, please Oleg" say the fans. And he did. Yes, I am sure that he, like anyone else in that position, saw an opportunity to do well in the market. So, more stuff . . . planes that weren't ever even thought about being placed into the sim were being implemented into a game engine that was really only intended to feature one plane, the IL2, and a few fighters, all planes found on the eastern front. The planes and requests kept coming, until it became obvious that a real serious addon was going to be needed.

"Mr. Maddox, you are giving away alot of free goodies." say the people who are supposed to be "in the know". "Why don't you collect all of the planes that have been sent you by 3rd party 3d modellers, make a couple of new maps, and make an expansion pack. We can sell it!!!![" And so, the anouncement is made that we all had hoped for . . . an expansion is coming that will bring this sim close to home for us here in the west! Well, this expansion grows during development . . . so HUGE that it begins to rival the post that you are reading right now!!! Too big. Too much code. Too much time and money involved. And so, Oleg makes another announcement: Its going to be a stand alone that will include all of the original material, because there is more new stuff than what was included in the original game.

Well, all of this submiting and patching continues into the new game, and everyone new to all of this doesn't remember the days when Oleg was just one of us: a Jane's WWII Fighter jock that wanted something better. To some, he becomes a god who can do no wrong. To others, he becomes the evil money-grubbing earthly incarnation of Satan himself! Either way, he has ceased to be an ordinary man in the eyes of those who don't remember.

I remember, and that is why the original post in this thread is so funny to me. Very good post, Snoopy . . . very funny! And yes, you were there too. How else could you come up with such a beautiful, irreverant post? http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifTsisquahttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Enthor1
04-03-2005, 10:09 AM
Patch Whiner is way too coherent, no one will buy that performance.

Who is Elsie?

Last I heard, Girl was somewhere in the South Seas, how did she get to the Alps?

Is the lack of reference to "FW190 Cockpit View Whiner" intentional or is this:"BLIND MAN:
I am healed! The Master has healed me!", a spoiler?
No Oleg Epic can be considered complete with out FW190 Cockpit View Whiner

I think the Ubi Razz part is way too big, I mean, who even really ever sees him?

I also think the part of Fanboy is underdone, need a volunteer to flesh out that part? I will audition if the pay is right.

Mods, what can ya say about them?
What a bunch of hams.

Oh yeah, who authorized a vacation in the Alps for Oleg!?

That guy is an idiot, what if Oleg falls off and breaks something?

If I were Patch Whiner I would be consulting with my attorney on damages for increased stress and whatever other items we could think of to make us rich while we wait for the new PATCH.

Do you have a title yet?
I suggest "Kill Bill: Vol 3 if you have not decided on one.

EURO_Snoopy
04-03-2005, 11:25 AM
The saga continues and the scene is the holiday inn the following morning. Oleg has a guest for breakfast.

'You're all individuals!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[****-a-doodle-doo]

FW190 Fans:
Look! There he is! The Chosen One has woken!

[slam]
[bam bam bam bam]

Mom:
Oleg!
[bam bam bam bam bam]

Oleg:
Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha--

Mom:
Oleg!

Oleg:
Hang on, Mother! Shhh.
[clllunk]

Hello, Mother.


Mom:
Don't you 'hello Mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?!

Oleg:
Oh. Well-- well, I, uh--

Mom:
Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!

Oleg:
Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something.

Mom:
'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a multitude out there!

Oleg:
Mm, they-- they started following me yesterday.

Mom:
Well, they can stop following you right now. Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

FW190 Fans:
The Patch! The Patch! Show us the Patch!

Mom:
The who?

FW190 Fans:
The Patch!

Mom:
Huh, there's no Patch in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Patch. Now, go away!

FW190 Fans:
Oleg! Oleg!

Mom:
Right, my lad. What have you been up to?

Oleg:
Nothing, Mum. Um--

Mom:
Come on. Out with it.

Oleg:
Well, they think I've finished the Patch, Mum.
[smack]

Mom:
Now, what have you been telling them?

Oleg:
Nothing! I only said two weeks....

Mom:
Two weeks!! You're only making it worse for yourself.

Oleg:
Look! I can explain! I--
[smack]

Bill Gates:
No! Let me explain, Mrs. Oleg!

Mom:
Who--

Bill Gates:
Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Oleg. They believe he can give them hope-- hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!

Mom:
Who's that?!

Oleg:
Oh! That's... Bill Gates, Mum. Bill Gates. Mother. Hmm.
[smack]
Aaaah!

FW190 Fans:
The Patch! The Patch!

Mom:
Ooooh.

FW190 Fans:
Show us the Patch! The Patch! The Patch! Show us the Patch!

Mom:
Now, you listen here! He hasn't got the Patch. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!

FW190 Fans:
Who are you?!

Mom:
I'm his Mother. That's who.

FW190 Fans:
Behold His Mother! Behold His Mother! Hail to thee, mother of Oleg! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always!

Mom:
Ohhh, now, don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now, shove off!

FW190 Fans:
No!

Mom:
Did you hear what I said?

FW190 Fans:
Yes!

Mom:
Oh, I see. It-- it's like that, is it?

FW190 Fans:
Yes!

Mom:
Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand?

FW190 Fans:
Yes.

Mom:
Promise?

FW190 Fans:
Well, all right.

Mom:
All right. Here he is, then. Come on, Oleg. Come and talk to them.

Oleg:
But I don't really want to, Mum.

FW190 Fans:
Oleg! Oleg! Oleg!...

Oleg:
Good morning.

FW190 Fans:
A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!...

Oleg:
No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I've got one or two things to say.

FW190 Fans:
Tell us. Tell us both of them.

Oleg:
Look. You've got it all wrong.

You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals!

FW190 Fans:
Yes, we're all individuals!

Oleg:
You're all different!

FW190 Fans:
Yes, we are all different!

Snoopy:
I'm not.

Extreme_One:
Shhhh.

FW190 Fans:
Shh. Shhhh. Shhh.

Oleg:
You've all got to learn to fly for yourselves!

FW190 Fans:
Yes! We've got to learn to fly for ourselves!

Oleg:
Exactly!

FW190 Fans:
Tell us more!

Oleg:
No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise-- Ow! No!

Mom:
Come on, Oleg. That's enough. That's enough.

FW190 Fans:
Oooooh. That wasn't a minute!

Mom:
Oh, yes, it was.

FW190 Fans:
Oh, no, it wasn't!

Mom:
Now, stop that, and go away!

Frequent_Flyer
04-03-2005, 12:19 PM
I understand the next religious sabatical will be with a Buddist monk to Kathmando to finalize the mystical 4.0 and on the way up the mountain he receives divine permission to use any reprodution of a U.S. aircraft and some bad news for the 109 elevator protesters.

EURO_Snoopy
04-03-2005, 12:46 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Enthor1:

I think the Ubi Razz part is way too big, I mean, who even really ever sees him?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Perhaps a role as the Holy Ghost would be more suitable? http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

EURO_Snoopy
04-03-2005, 12:50 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tsisqua:

I remember, and that is why the original post in this thread is so funny to me. Very good post, Snoopy . . . very funny! And yes, you were there too. How else could you come up with such a beautiful, irreverant post? http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifTsisquahttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Wow A Brief History of Life the Universe and IL-2, well written Tsisqua and thanks.
The story of IL-2 in a nutshell

Grue_
04-03-2005, 01:09 PM
Marvellous http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

BLIND MAN:
I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!
[whump]

A 190 flyer obviously.

Bearcat99
04-03-2005, 05:45 PM
ROFLMAO...... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Monty_Thrud
04-03-2005, 05:59 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif He's not the messiah...he's a very naughty boy

EURO_Snoopy
04-03-2005, 06:04 PM
The scene is now Olegs ready Room and the man has returned from vacation and prepares to
address the hoardes of patiently waiting fanbois

Oleg speaks

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[music]

Oleg:
thanks to those who know the difference between a patch and addon. thanks to the luftwhiners.

They shall find consolation. thanks to those of the VVS. They shall have the earth for their
possession. thanks to those who fly full real to see right prevail.

RANDOM:
[cough cough]

Lady_Pilot:
Speak up!

MAN:
Shh.

Little_Pilot:
Quiet, Mum.

Oleg:
thanks to those of who use CFS discs for ...

Lady_Pilot:
Well, I can't hear a thing.

Oleg:
...coasters. They shall have the earth for their possession.

Lady_Pilot:
Let's go t' Ivan's COOP.

Oleg:
thanks to those...

Big_Nose:
Shh.

Oleg:
...who patiently wait...

Little_Pilot:
You can go to Ivan's COOP any time.

Oleg:
...for two weeks...

Lady_Pilot:
Oh, come on, Little_Pilot.

Oleg:
...patches.

Big_Nose:
Will you be quiet?!

Oleg:
thanks to they who have suffered much...

Big_Nose' Wingman:
Don't pick your nose.

Big_Nose:
I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.

Big_Nose' Wingman:
You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady.

Big_Nose:
I wasn't!

Big_Nose' Wingman:
Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

Lady_Pilot:
Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

Big_Nose' Wingman:
Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my wingman.

Lady_Pilot:
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.

Big_Nose:
Don't you swear at my wingman.

Lady_Pilot:
I was only asking him to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

Big_Nose' Wingman:
Don't you call my wingman 'Big Nose'!

Lady_Pilot:
Well, he has got a big nose.

Posh_Pilot:
Could you be quiet, please?

Oleg:
They shall have the earth...

Posh_Pilot:
What was that?

Oleg:
...for their possession. thanks to those...

Lady_Pilot:
I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose.

Oleg:
...waited for another two weeks to see...

MAN #1:
I think it was 'Thanks to the patchmakers.'

Oleg:
...right prevail.

MRS. Posh_Pilot:
Ahh, what's so special about the patchmakers?

Posh_Pilot:
Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of software products.

Lady_Pilot:
See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

Oleg:
thanks to are those who...

Big_Nose:
Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.

MRS. Posh_Pilot:
Ohh.

Lady_Pilot:
Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'the big noses.'

Little_Pilot:
Oh, lay off him.

Lady_Pilot:
Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?

Big_Nose:
One more time, mate; I'll take you to the feckin' cleaners!

Big_Nose' Wingman:
Language!

Oleg:
...hunger and thirst to see...

Big_Nose' Wingman:
And don't pick your nose.

Oleg:
...right prevail.

Big_Nose:
I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him!

MAN #2:
You hear that? Thanks to the onliners.

Posh_Pilot:
The onliners?

MAN #2:
Mmm. Well, apparently, their going to get something or other.

Posh_Pilot:
Did anyone catch his name?

Big_Nose' Wingman:
You're not going to thump anybody.

Big_Nose:
I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.

Lady_Pilot:
Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

Big_Nose:
Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--

Big_Nose' Wingman:
Oh, it's the offliners! Thanks to the offliners! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.

Lady_Pilot:
Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

Big_Nose:
Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!

MAN #1 and MAN #2:
Shhh.

Lady_Pilot:
Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?

Big_Nose:
Oh. Right. That's your last warning.

MRS. Posh_Pilot:
Oh, do pipe down.

[Big_Nose slugs MRS. Posh_Pilot]

Oh!

[Big_Nose and Posh_Pilot fight]

Posh_Pilot:
Oh!

MRS. Posh_Pilot:
Awa?

Big_Nose:
Silly *****. Get in the way on me?...

MRS. Posh_Pilot:
Ow!...

Big_Nose:
Break it up-- oh. Oh!

Lady_Pilot:
Oh, come on. Let's go to the Ivan's COOP.

Little_Pilot:
All right.
[music]

FRANCIS:
Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.

REG:
Yeah. Well, what Oleg blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the onliners who are the problem.

JUDITH:
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.

Lady_Pilot:
Oh, come on, Little_Pilot, or the COOP'll be over before we get there.

Little_Pilot:
All right.

**Topic Closed**

All in all a normal Monday in the ORR

EURO_Snoopy
04-03-2005, 06:58 PM
Final Scene:

Patch 4.0 is released and the public are told this will be the last patch. The patch whiners are outraged to have their sole topic of conversation denied them and arrange for the developers and captured beta testers to be crucified.

MAN:
Oh, no.

Software_Pirate:
Oof. Bloody Patch Whiners!

ITS_Porked:
Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.

FW_View_Whiner:
Up you go, Beta_Tester!

Beta_Tester:
I'll get you for this, you bastard.

FW_View_Whiner:
Oh, yeah?

Beta_Tester:
Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.

FW_View_Whiner:
No?

Beta_Tester:
I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Patch whining git!

FW_View_Whiner:
Shut up, you FBAEPPF Fanboi!

Beta_Tester:
Who are you calling a FBAEPPF Fanboi?! I'm not! I'm a Pacific Fighters puritan!

Posh_Pilot:
A Pacific fighters puritan? This is supposed to be a FBAEPPF section.

FW_View_Whiner:
It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.

Posh_Pilot:
It may not matter to you, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?

MRS. Posh_Pilot:
Oh, rather.

Posh_Pilot:
we're entitled to be crucified in a purely FBAEPPF area.

Mission Builder:
Mission Builders separate from Skinners.

WELSH MAN:
And Swedish separate from Welsh.

VICTIMS:
Yeah...

FW_View_Whiner:
All right! All right! All right! We'll soon settle this! Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here.

VICTIMS:
Ooh. Oh. Uh. Uh...

FW_View_Whiner:
Right. Next!

CFS_Insider:
Ah, look. It's not my cross.

FW_View_Whiner:
What?!

CFS_Insider:
Um, it's not my cross. I was, ah, holding it for someone. Um--

FW_View_Whiner:
Just lie down. I haven't got all day.

CFS_Insider:
No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss--

FW_View_Whiner:
Look.

CFS_Insider:
Uhh--

FW_View_Whiner:
We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and forty of you lot to get up.

Posh_Pilot:
Is he FBAEPPF?

FW_View_Whiner:
Will you be quiet?!

Posh_Pilot:
We don't want any more Pacific fighters around here.

FW_View_Whiner:
Belt up!

CFS_Insider:
Uh, will you let me down if he comes back?

FW_View_Whiner:
Yeah. Yeah, we'll let you down. Next!

Oleg:
You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.

FW_View_Whiner:
I like orders.

RayBanJockey:
See? Not so bad, once you're up.

You being rescued, then? Are you?

Oleg:
It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?

RayBanJockey:
Oh, now, now. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued.

Oleg:
Ohh?

RayBanJockey:
Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh.

Oleg:
Ahhh?

RayBanJockey:
Randy little bugger. Up and down like the UBISoft forums. Heh heh heh heh. Hello. Your family arrived, then?

Oleg:
Ivan!

Ivan:
Hello, sibling Oleg.

Oleg:
Thank God you've come, Ivan.

Ivan:
Ahh, yes. Well, I think I should point out first, Oleg, in all fairness, that we are not in fact the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the surviving beta testers.

Uh, 'We, the Beta testers of FB, FBAEP and PF, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Oleg, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.'

Oleg:
What?

Ivan:
'Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate software developers from the hands of the unappreciative patch whining aggressors, excluding those concerned with moderation, il2 related websites, mission building, skinning, movie making, and any other whiners contributing to the welfare of simmers of both FBAEPPF and Pacific Fighters. Signed on behalf of the Software developers., etcetera.' And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration for what you are doing for us, Oleg, at what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time.

Oleg:
Ivan! Well, what are you going to do?

Ivan:
Good-bye, Oleg, and thanks.

FRANCIS:
Well done, Oleg. Keep it up, lad.

LORETTA:
Terrific work, Oleg.

Beta testers:
[mumbling]

Ivan:
Yeah. Right. And...

Beta testers: [singing]
For he's a jolly good fellow!
For he's a jolly good fellow!
For he's a jolly good fellow!
And so say all of us!

LORETTA:
And so say all of--

[clap clap clap]

Oleg:
You bastards! You bastards!

ITS_Porked:
Where is Oleg Maddox?

Oleg:
You sanctimonious bastards!

ITS_Porked:
I have an order for his release!

Oleg:
You stupid bastards!

RayBanJockey:
Uh, I'm Oleg Maddox.

Oleg:
What?!

RayBanJockey:
Yeah, I-- I-- I'm Oleg Maddox.

ITS_Porked:
Take him down!

Oleg:
I'm Oleg Maddox!

VICTIM #1:
Eh, I'm Oleg!

Beta_Tester:
I'm Oleg!

VICTIM #2:
Look, I'm Oleg!

Oleg:
I'm Oleg!

VICTIMS:
I'm Oleg!

Posh_Pilot:
I'm Oleg, and so's my wife!

VICTIMS:
I'm Oleg! I'm Oleg!...

Oleg:
I'm Oleg Maddox!

ITS_Porked:
All right. Take him away and release him.

RayBanJockey:
No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Oleg. No, I'm not Oleg. I was only-- It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg!

It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Whiners! Can't take a joke!
[exciting music]

WORKER:
Huuuh! The Beta Testers!

FW_View_Whiner:
The Beta Testers!

OTTO:
Forward all!

WORKERS:
Look out! The Beta Testers! The Beta Testers!...

OTTO:
Ve are the Beta Testers. Crack suicide squad. Suicide squad! Attack!

[drum roll]

Beta Testers:
Uh! Ugh. Aggh...

OTTO:
That showed 'em, huh? Oooh.

[whump]

Oleg:
You silly sods.

JUDITH:
Oleg! Oleg! Oleg! Oleg!
Oleg:
Judith!

JUDITH:
Terrific! Great! Ivan has explained it all to me, and I think it's great what you are doing. [sniff] Thank you, Oleg.
I'll-- I'll never forget you.

Mom:
So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, 'Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care.' I might have known it would...

Oleg:
Mum!

MANDY:
...end up like this. First person Shooters That's...

Oleg:
Mum!

MANDY:
...all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to.

MR. Beer_Mat:
Cheer up, Oleg. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble. Give a whistle.
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...

[music]

Always look on the bright side of life.

[whistling]

Always look on the light side of life.

[whistling]

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.

SEVERAL:
[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
Come on!

SEVERAL:
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.

EVERYONE:
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...

Always look on the bright side of death,

[whistling]

Just before you draw your terminal breath.

[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
CFS is a piece of ****,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...

EVERYONE:
Always look on the bright side of life.

[whistling]

Always look on the right side of life.

[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
Come on, Oleg. Cheer up.

EVERYONE:
Always look on the bright side of life!

[whistling]

Always look on the bright side of life!

[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
Worse things happen at sea, you know.

EVERYONE:
Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. Beer_Mat:
I mean, what you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing.

EVERYONE:
[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
You're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

EVERYONE:
Always look on the bright side of life!

[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
Nothing will come from nothing. You know what they say?

EVERYONE:
Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. Beer_Mat:
Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on. Give us a grin. There you are. See?

EVERYONE:
[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
It's the end of the FB series. Incidentally, the Platinum pack is available on the website.

EVERYONE:
Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. Beer_Mat:
Some of us have got to live as well, you know.

EVERYONE:
[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?

EVERYONE:
Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. Beer_Mat:
They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him.

EVERYONE:
[whistling]

MR. Beer_Mat:
I said to him, 'Oleg' I said, 'They'll never make their money back.'

EVERYONE:
Always look on the bright side of life!

[whistling]

PBNA-Boosher
04-03-2005, 07:04 PM
Very funny, but:

I think someone has a bit too much time.

JG52_Helgstrand
04-03-2005, 07:08 PM
ROTFLMFAO!!


CROWD OF IL2 FANS:
[yelling]
UBI MOD:
Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
PATCH WHINER:
Do I say 'yes'?
OLEG:
Yes.
PATCH WHINER:
Yes.
MOD:
You have been found guilty by the elders of the forum of uttering the patch time of two weeks, and so, as a blasphemer,...
IL2 FANS:
Ooooh!
MOD:
...you are to be stoned to death.
IL2 FANS:
Ahh!
PATCH WHINER:
Look. I-- I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That the patch was good enough for Jehovah and should be released now and not in two weeks.'
IL2 FANS:
Oooooh!
MOD:
Blasphemy! He's said it again!
IL2 FANS:
Yes! Yes, he did! He did!...
MOD:
Did you hear him?!
IL2 FANS:
Yes! Yes, we did! We did!...
nOOb:
Really!
[silence]
MOD:
Are there any nOObs here today?
IL2 FANS:
No. No. No. No...
MOD:
Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me--
[CULPRIT nOOb stones the PATCH WHINER]
PATCH WHINER:
Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!
MOD:
Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
IL2 FANS:
nOOb did! The nOOb did! The Ace did! Ace! Ace. Ace. Ace. Ace. Ace did.
CULPRIT nOOb:
Sorry. I thought we'd started.
MOD:
Go to the back.
CULPRIT nOOb:
Oh, dear.
MOD:
Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?
PATCH WINER:
Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying I think the patch should be released now and not in two weeks.
IL2 FANS:
Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!...
OLEG:
You're only making it worse for yourself!
PATCH WHINER:
Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Two weeks! Two weeks! Two weeks!
IL2 FANS:
Oooooh!...
OLEG:
I'm warning you. If you say 'Two weeks' once more--
[nOOb stones OLEG]
Right. Who threw that?
[silence]
Come on. Who threw that?
IL2 FANS:
nOOb did! It was nOOb! Ace! Ace. Ace. Ace. Ace. Ace. Ace. Ace.
OLEG:
Was it you?
nOOb:
Yes.
OLEG:
Right!
nOOb:
Well, you did say 'Two weeks'.
IL2 FANS:
Ah! Ooooh!...
[IL2 FANS stone nOOb]
OLEG:
Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I upload the patch! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Two weeks'.
IL2 FANS:
Ooooooh!...
[IL2 FANS stone OLEG]
PATCH WHINER:
Good shot!
[clap clap clap]

EURO_Snoopy
04-03-2005, 07:12 PM
LMAO, Brilliant!!

Yes Boosh, way too much time on my hands today.

Weather_Man
04-03-2005, 08:50 PM
lol, good stuff!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Jagdklinger
04-04-2005, 02:01 AM
Euro Snoopy.... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

what can I say?

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif "we are not worthy" http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

Platypus_1.JaVA
04-04-2005, 03:27 AM
Reminds me of the Discworld novells by Terry Pratchet... http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Humpy_Dumpy
04-04-2005, 04:17 AM
That's not funny, that's lame...

EURO_Snoopy
04-04-2005, 04:30 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/mockface.gif

Tully__
04-04-2005, 04:43 AM
I don't often read this sort of thread all the way through, but this one was excellent (except for the one post at the top of this page http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif)

http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

EURO_Snoopy
04-04-2005, 05:27 AM
I guess it helps if you've seen the Life of brian and can visualise some of the scenes. I'm pleased a few like it, the whole point is to have a giggle at ourselves http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Humpy_Dumpy
04-05-2005, 05:54 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tully__:
I don't often read this sort of thread all the way through, but this one was excellent (except for the one post at the top of this page http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif)

http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I just didn't find that conversation funny at all... It's totally a work of genius that people can make a fake conversation with Oleg, I mean, put down the test tubes with cancer cures and lets fund the "Lets make funny conversation enhancer potions with Oleg" totally lame, go suck up to some one who wont think your gay.

Extreme_One
04-05-2005, 06:07 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Humpy_Dumpy:
I just didn't find that conversation funny at all... It's totally a work of genius that people can make a fake conversation with Oleg, I mean, put down the test tubes with cancer cures and lets fund the "Lets make funny conversation enhancer potions with Oleg" totally lame, go suck up to some one who wont think your gay. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You really have no idea what an offensive thing you just said there my 'friend' http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif but it's not my place to enlighten you as to why.
As it happens I'm sure Eurosnoopy will be able to ignore such a childish platitude.

Now to educate you as you seem unable to read:- The 'fake conversation' is full of references to a film called "The Life of Brian" (a funny film for most people) so it's not "Lets make funny conversation enhancer potions with Oleg" (whatever the hell that means http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif)

Enjoy your 7 day holiday BTW

EURO_Snoopy
04-05-2005, 06:28 AM
where'd he go Simon? The alps perhaps?

Extreme_One
04-05-2005, 06:41 AM
lol http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/351.gif