PDA

View Full Version : Pilot's jokes



Ashoka74
09-16-2004, 12:25 AM
Please contribute to make us laugh http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"

"There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets."
Major Doyle "Wahoo" Nicholson, USMC

Ashoka74
09-16-2004, 12:25 AM
Please contribute to make us laugh http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"

"There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets."
Major Doyle "Wahoo" Nicholson, USMC

Ashoka74
09-16-2004, 12:27 AM
I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa (In German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/34.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/88.gif

"There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets."
Major Doyle "Wahoo" Nicholson, USMC

Ashoka74
09-16-2004, 12:32 AM
I like this one http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

"There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets."
Major Doyle "Wahoo" Nicholson, USMC

FI.Snaphoo
09-16-2004, 01:02 AM
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (Although this may be completely factual, I have no proof that this is[or isn't] actual "communique" from pilot to ground crew and back. Though it is pretty funny)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed yet on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious!

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/JakeGM/Snaphoo3.gif

AtEaseGentlemen
09-16-2004, 01:11 AM
As an Australian I'm proud of Qantas's record, but I don think it can be attributed to having IFF installed in their aircraft.

I think I have seen this before, originating from the USAF - Great post though http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

WTE_Galway
09-16-2004, 01:23 AM
A few years ago, a commercial pilot flying a single engine airplane near Seattle was lost and dangerously low on fuel. His passengers were starting to worry. As he flew along he noticed a small hole in the overcast, and zoomed down through it.

He saw a tall building, and what looked like a janitor cleaning up an office on the 20th floor. He opened the pilot's side window and yelled to the janitor "I'm lost; can you tell me where I am?' The janitor looked at him, and with a straight face said: "you're in an airplane !".

The pilot made an immediate right turn, flew a couple of miles, and made an uneventful landing at Boeing Field.

His passengers were amazed. "How did you do that with the little information that the janitor told you?"

"Simple", said the pilot. "That man answered my question with an answer that was perfectly correct but absolutely useless. The building must have been Microsoft's Customer Support Office, and the airport is only a couple of miles away !"

HunterZer0
09-16-2004, 02:47 AM
From a Virgin Blue red-eye express...

"Hello ladies and gentlemen. The cabin crew will shortly give a brief safety demonstration, but first we'd like to familiarise you with the features of this aircraft, a Boeing 737 800."

"Overhead, you will notice a small nozzle. You can use this nozzle to direct fresh air, or turn the end to turn the stream of air on or off."

"Next to this, there is a button with a picture of a light on it. Pressing this button will turn on your reading light."

"Next to this, there is a small button with a picture of a flight attendant. Note that pressing this button does not turn on your flight attendants."

- J

p1ngu666
09-16-2004, 02:57 AM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/11.gif

http://www.pingu666.modded.me.uk/mysig3.jpg
<123_GWood_JG123>NO SPAM!
<badsight>my name is tracy and pingu is the Antichrist of Combat Flight Simmers
<lexx_luthor>flowers across the land in BoB

oFZo
09-16-2004, 03:03 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HunterZer0:
From a Virgin Blue red-eye express...

"Hello ladies and gentlemen. The cabin crew will shortly give a brief safety demonstration, but first we'd like to familiarise you with the features of this aircraft, a Boeing 737 800."

"Overhead, you will notice a small nozzle. You can use this nozzle to direct fresh air, or turn the end to turn the stream of air on or off."

"Next to this, there is a button with a picture of a light on it. Pressing this button will turn on your reading light."

"Next to this, there is a small button with a picture of a flight attendant. Note that pressing this button does not turn on your flight attendants."

- J<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/88.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/11.gif

-oFZo

Eurotroll

"I have given you all the seed bearing plants and herbs to use." - The Bible

Ashoka74
09-16-2004, 04:33 AM
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

"There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets."
Major Doyle "Wahoo" Nicholson, USMC

Covino
09-16-2004, 05:00 AM
A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes were better because of their manueverability, weaponry and the like.

The C-130 pilot replied "Yeh? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went in the back and took a piss."

FI.Snaphoo
09-16-2004, 05:39 AM
On a similar vein -

A KC135 refueling plane is refueling a patrol flight of F16's. The Fighter Jocks are giving the pilot of the KC-135 a ration for flying a large slow plane.

After refueling them the KC-135 challenges the Fighterjocks to a little bit of follow the leader, but that the KC-135 will start. The F-16's gladly accept.

The group flies along level for a long while.

The KC-135 pilot says "OK your turn"

"What did you do?" The F-16 pilots ask.

"I turned off an engine."

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/JakeGM/Snaphoo3.gif

ploughman
09-16-2004, 05:51 AM
A BA 747 was stacked up over Heathrow and the pilot was getting more and more impatient with the controllers. Finally a Lufthansa jet that the BA pilot was sure had joined the queue behind him was given clearance to land. "Oh for Pete's sake," cried the BA pilot over the radio. "Why does he get to land, we've been circling for ages". Quick as a flash german sounding voice over the airwaves. "Because ve put our towels on ze runway ven ve got up ziz morning."

(For those who don't get it the Germans are notorious in the Mediterranean resorts of Europe for bagging all the sun loungers by getting up really early in the morning and putting their towels on them).

BinaryFalcon
09-16-2004, 07:57 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> (Although this may be completely factual, I have no proof that this is[or isn't] actual "communique" from pilot to ground crew and back. Though it is pretty funny)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Although the source of the list seems to change every time it is passed around, I don't doubt that the list is genuine.

While reviewing the yellow sheets for some of the aircraft I was issued, I personally saw these: (P=Pilot, M=Maintenance)

P: Mirror fell off left engine over Atlantic, get your scuba gear!
M: Couldn't find mirror, replaced with new.

P: Starter missing.
M: Searched for starter and found it installed on engine. Ops check good.

Pilots often have really stupid, useless, descriptions when they write stuff up for maintenance. I'm sure it drives them crazy, so I can understand the ribbing they give the pilots when they write down the resolutions in the logs.

_Gadzilla_
09-16-2004, 08:17 AM
I was a mechanic and a crewcheif for 5 years in the USMC.

The best one I ever saw,

Squawk: Pilots relief tube too short
Responce: Crewcheif not responsible for physical short commings of pilot

Capt.LoneRanger
09-16-2004, 09:07 AM
Pilot: "Good morning, Sir."
Controller: "Don't call me 'Sir', I have to work for my money"

Pilot: "How's the weather in your area?"
Tower: "10/8 cloud cover"
Pilot: "10/8 ? How can that be possible?"
Tower: "We had 8/8 yesterday, but it looks worse today."

Tower: "Say fuelstate."
Pilot: "fuelstate."
Tower: "Say again."
Pilot: "again."
Tower: "Arghl, give me your fuel!"
Pilot: "Sorry, need it by myself..."

Teacher to his helo-pilot-student: "Now, stay right above this helo-pad."
After a few minutes: "I'd appreciate it, if we'd stay above that country."

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Pilot: Don't you have a 'follow me' car?
Tower: Negative, have fun searching the way to Gate10.

Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower.
Pilot: (Pause) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (Pause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
Pilot: (Nach einer erneuten Pause) But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not
to Vienna!
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and
climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.

Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheck
Tower: It's tuesday, Sir.

Tower: RFG 312, fly directly at OLNO VOR. Do you need a vector?
Pilot: No, thanks. We will be able to find the VOR. It's in the direction of the moon.
Tower: Maybe, but we don't have the moon on our radar.

Pilot: Tower, your runway light is lit.
Tower: I hope so.
Pilot: No, I mean it's on fire.

Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...

Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger...(Pause)...We've checked the workers, they are all working.

Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Pilot: Say again.
Tower: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...?
Tower: Do you want an easier one?

Tower: DeltaBravoCarlie, is your squawk really set to zero four six?
Pilot: Positive.
Tower: Okay, I'll call an excavator - your altitude is -90 ft.


Tower: LH 8610 cleared for take-off.
Pilot (LH 8610): We didn't even landed, yet!?
Tower: Then who's on 26 south ?
Pilot (LH 8801): LH 8801.
Tower: Well, okay, then you are cleared for take-off.

Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.

Tower: Flamingo 019, do you have a Springbock in sight, twelve o'clock five
miles crossing from left to right ?
Pilot: If you mean a 737...?
Tower: Yeah, you got it, you got it!

Tower: DE367, continue approach for 26, second for landing, right behind DC9 on finals.
Pilot: Roger. Continuing approach for 29, following the DC9.
Tower: Almost. The runway is 26 and the plane is a DC6.
Pilot: Ah, roger. Following the DC29. What was the runway again?

Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100.
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain.
Pilot: But si plus 4 is 10, right?
Tower: Climb, don't calculate.

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel

Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push
back, please. (Turbinen starten und vom Terminal zurueckschieben lassen)
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!

Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop) : Assume the Pilot
in Command was the dog ?

Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are
cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to
4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000
feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to
intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read
back.
Pilot:GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian
Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present
position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing
15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter
intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!

Pilot on takeoff: "Oh my god! The engine failure light is on; we are all going to die! We are all going to die!‚"Ě
Co Pilot: ‚"Relax, that‚'s just the intercom‚"Ě

greets
Capt.LoneRanger

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/Arcadiac/LRSig.jpg

Capt.LoneRanger
09-16-2004, 09:08 AM
Why airplanes are better then women ? :

1. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines
2. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
3. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown
4. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
5. Women have more drag than lift.
6. You can adjust an airplane's attitude easily.
7. Airplanes can handle thrust better.
8. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
9. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection
10. An airplane will kill you quick...a woman takes her time
11. An airplane goes anywhere you direct it to
12. Airplanes are easy to love
13. An airplane is easy to roll over
14. An airplane's cockpit is cleaner
15. An airplane does not get mad if you "touch and go".
16. You don't always have to "hand prop" an airplane
17. An airplane doesn't care who yanks it's stick
18. An airplane is cheaper to maintain
19. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills

|------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If
you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up
there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
Keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever
Collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
Landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
Enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
Five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
Number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
Experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels
Them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
And round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
Compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
Hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago

greets
Capt.LoneRanger

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/Arcadiac/LRSig.jpg

hunhunter-texas
09-16-2004, 09:22 AM
Heres my favourite http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

In a queue of planes waiting to depart a large UK airport, one of the pilots transmits the following:

Pilot: I'm f*****g bored!!

Very irrate ATC guy: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself!!

Pilot: I said I was f*****g bored, not f*****g stupid!!

Friendly_flyer
09-16-2004, 10:46 AM
My favourite:

Pilot over the intecom prior to take-of (read with heavy German accent):

Wilkommen zum this Lufhansa flight zum Hamburg. Vee will be taking off in a short time. Pleaz put up your tables and put out sigarets. Put on your zeatbelts ... and I want to hear ONE CLICK!

Fly friendly!

Petter B√¬łckman
Norway

PBNA-Boosher
09-16-2004, 01:26 PM
Two pilots in a 747 are out of fuel and gliding. The First class cabins are having instructions on death benefits, and the coach passengers are all over the place running and screaming. A few stewardesses are upgrading the passengers to business class. The pilots decide they must make their landing in Madrid, Spain, 100 miles from their original destination. They know they don't have a second chance.

The are now descending at a rate of 3000 feet per minute because of the weight of the aircraft, even though the plane itself is only pointed 10 degrees downward.

Finally, the runway of an airport pokes through the clouds, but they're too high! Not caring about their speed, they fully lower the flaps, extend the gear, and dive right onto the deck above the buildings. They scream above the treetops at 400 miles an hour, gradually slowing down. Finally, the runway comes into view past the buildings, and they set the plane down at 250 miles an hour. Both pilots push the yoke down and stomp on the brakes with all of their power, the end of the runway is getting closer and closer every second, and at the end of it is a huge ravine!

The Speedometer still reads 150 miles an hour, so the heroic pilot stomp even harder on the brakes. A giant SCREEEEEEEECH spears through the air! Miraculously, the plane stops inches from the cliff. The pilots set the parking brake as emergency crews ruch to the 747. Everyone in coach is now clapping or crying, happy because they were saved by the heroics of their pilots, while first class is now getting angry because they lost their death benefits.
The co-pilot turns to the pilot amidst all this cheering and says, "Damn, Frank, that was one short runway, wasn't it?"

The pilot turned back to look at it and said, "Yeah, but look at how wide it is!"

Boosher
_____________________________
"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you..."
-Gandalf

PBNA-Boosher
09-16-2004, 07:30 PM
umpbay!

Boosher
_____________________________
"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you..."
-Gandalf

-HH- Beebop
09-16-2004, 08:23 PM
The passengers had been waiting for some time in the airplane for the pilots to arrive.
Finally one of the flight attendants looks out the door and says" Here they come." As they enter the plane the passengers are shocked. Both are wearing dark glasses and one is holding the leash of a seeing eye dog. The pilots and the dog disappear into the pilots cabin. The passengers begin talking to each other about what a bad practical joke it was.
A short time later the aircraft rolls down the runway. Relived, the passengers begin to relax again.
As the plane begins accellerating the passengers notice to their horror that the runway is getting shorter and shorter and the plane has yet to leave the ground. Finally passengers start to scream and a general panic sets it when suddenly the aircraft lifts effortlessly off the ground.
In the pilots cabin the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
"Someday Frank they won't start screaming in time."

http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/9334/Image6.jpg
HellHounds Virtual Air Wing
"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth..."
Pilot Officer John Gillespie Magee, Jr. No 412 squadron, RCAF Killed 11 December 1941

BA31jocky
09-16-2004, 11:05 PM
You might be a 'freight dog' if...

You wash your hands *before* you go to the bathroom.
Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
You have not done a daylight landing in the past six
months.
ATC advises you of smoother air at a different
altitude, and you don't care.
When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red
carpet, but quickly take it back when they recognize
you.
You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't
understand where you are on the airport.
Centre asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they
can hear you talk.
Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine
because you plan on "making a meal of it".
Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one
complains.
Centre mispronounces your call sign more than three
times in one flight.
Your Director of Ops mysteriously changes your max.
takeoff weight during the holiday season.
Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their
building.
You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO because
you just woke up.
You mark every ramp with engine oil.
Everything you own is in you flight bag and suitcase
You can do a load of laundry in the sink in you hotel
room with a bottle of shampoo faster than you can at
home in the washing machine.
You eat cereal for supper at 10:00 pm local time and
you crave dinner and lunch things, like spaghetti for
breakfast!
After lunch, you take a 2.5 to 3 hour "power" nap.

....you watch that scene in Top Gun where the commander says to Maverick: "...you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog $h_t out of Hong Kong!"...and you say "Cool Job!!"...

[This message was edited by BA31jocky on Fri September 17 2004 at 08:56 AM.]

BA31jocky
09-16-2004, 11:05 PM
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to be paid, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
An Airline Pilot came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you fly the public safely all across the world."
The next morning the barber found a dozen pilots waiting for a free haircut.

Jezzadog
09-16-2004, 11:28 PM
The veteran (read 'old') fighter pilot's military career was fast coming to an end. He reported to the MO for his final medical check.

The doc checked him over and then, with some concern and sympathy, announced "I'm sorry, but I've got some bad news and some VERY bad news for you".

The FP replied "OK doc, I can take it, whatever it is - give me the VERY bad news first"

"OK, you've got cancer. It's terminal and you've only got a few weeks to live"

"Oh my GOD!!!!" etc ect

After a short time the FP had composed himself. "OK doc, now give me the bad news"

"Well, the bad news is, you have alzheimers"

"Oh well", replied the FP "It could have been worse - it could have been cancer"

ImpStarDuece
09-16-2004, 11:29 PM
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you
must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will
escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free
to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane
till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to
cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning
to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is
equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their
seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop
at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the
aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached
our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat
belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come
back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting
like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what
ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came
on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here at US Airways."

ImpStarDuece,

Flying Bullet Magnet... Catching Lead Since 2002

"There's no such thing as gravity, the earth sucks!"

"...war is nothing but the continuation of policy with other means."
- Carl von Clauswitz (1827)

ElektroFredrik
09-17-2004, 01:37 AM
Pilot:ATC, this is flight XYZ, I'm out of fuel.
All the ATC guys rush to the windows and radar
screens and look but they can't find him.
Finally one ATC guy calls to XYZ:
"flight XYZ give us your position"
Pilot: I'm on runway 22 and cleared to take off
in two minutes.

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/ksk/tuftycard3.jpg
"What I study is sex and squirrels" - Jane Waterman, Ph.D.
Flying online as Furvert_Elektro

Capt.LoneRanger
09-17-2004, 03:32 AM
A man is selling insurances at an airport.

"Sir, do you want a death-insurance?"

"No, Sir. Thank you."

"Okay, but when the plane crashes, you'll be very sad about that."

greets
Capt.LoneRanger

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/Arcadiac/LRSig.jpg

Stickmonkey1
09-17-2004, 05:52 AM
Some truisms:

If the wings are flying faster than the fuselage, it is a helicopter, and therefore unsafe

You've never been lost until you've been lost at mach 2

There are three very satisfying things in life - a good landing, a good bowel movement, and a good orgasm. The night carrier landing is a rare opportunity to experience all three at the same time.

And a joke (may have appeared here before)

A BA flight had landed in Frankfurt sometime in the 60s. The pilot contacted the tower:

"Speedbird XXXX ready for taxi to the gate"

"Roger Speedbird XXXX taxi to gate XX"

After a moment or two where the aircraft is stationary, the tower angrily comes back:

"Speedbird XXXX don't you know where you are going, haven't you been to Frankfurt before?"

"Well I have once in 1944, but I wasn't stopping"

IIJG69Kartofe
09-19-2004, 02:23 PM
Bump ! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Platypus_1.JaVA
09-19-2004, 03:30 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BinaryFalcon:

Although the source of the list seems to change every time it is passed around, I don't doubt that the list is genuine.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

With the small amount of time I've spent with KLM, I can tell you that the ground crew can get pretty funny towards the pilots, especially on night-weekend shifts. Remember, the mechanics are in charge of the aircraft, we just lend it to the pilots http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Anyways, as stated earlier, I don't think that there is a single commercial airliner that has installed IFF systems on their aircraft. The Transponder is a somewhat similar system wich can be found on almost all civilian aircraft.

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge,
ye shall be judged: and with what
measure ye mete, it shall be measured
to you again.


Placed 3rd, with team, in the official european championship Il-2/FB

http://home.deds.nl/~bhummel/gif/D8390.jpg

LStarosta
09-19-2004, 04:51 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BA31jocky:
You might be a 'freight dog' if...

You wash your hands *before* you go to the bathroom.
Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
You have not done a daylight landing in the past six
months.
ATC advises you of smoother air at a different
altitude, and you don't care.
When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red
carpet, but quickly take it back when they recognize
you.
You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't
understand where you are on the airport.
Centre asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they
can hear you talk.
Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine
because you plan on "making a meal of it".
Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one
complains.
Centre mispronounces your call sign more than three
times in one flight.
Your Director of Ops mysteriously changes your max.
takeoff weight during the holiday season.
Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their
building.
You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO because
you just woke up.
You mark every ramp with engine oil.
Everything you own is in you flight bag and suitcase
You can do a load of laundry in the sink in you hotel
room with a bottle of shampoo faster than you can at
home in the washing machine.
You eat cereal for supper at 10:00 pm local time and
you crave dinner and lunch things, like spaghetti for
breakfast!
After lunch, you take a 2.5 to 3 hour "power" nap.

....you watch that scene in Top Gun where the commander says to Maverick: "...you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog $h_t out of Hong Kong!"...and you say "Cool Job!!"...

[This message was edited by BA31jocky on Fri September 17 2004 at 08:56 AM.]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOOOOOOL So true!

http://home.comcast.net/~l.starosta/sig2.jpg
Spacer nad Berlinem!
Spitfire = Technoblabble(Oleg/"Favors Recieved" from [wo]men)^PI(Magic 8 Ball)(amount of LSD Taken+Booze)(Position of the Earth Relative to the Sun)(Position of the Sun relative to God)^2

"You must factor in the alignment of the planets for the day in which the equation is completed, because the Spit can harness the power of the Earth's rotation and we're working on harnessing the power of ALL rotating and revolving objects in our solar system, later the whole universe, thus boosting the Spit's top speed to r0xx0rz KPH." -Dr. Nathan Roberts

Flying online as (56th)*MRBROWN