Well, Ive got a whole lot of nothing to do, so heres the vaunted Patr thr33! In this chapter, something will happen. And then something else will happen. Are you exited yet?


The shuttle that was transporting the team made its way from Hyllis to Arjuun with great speed (which is less than very great speed, but they did not need to go that fast) and passed through the asteroid belt without alerting the fighter defenses. But then they ran into an obsticle that wasnt planned for. The emperor had ordered a mine field to be put in place around the whole planet. "Uh oh..." G said. "Ya think we should turn back?" Pants asked. "Weve gone too far! We cant go back through the asteroids, it was pure luck we made it through without a fight in the first place! Maintain the initiative, Carlson & Pe-" Double H was then interrupted. "Dont care, just shut up," Pants said. He continued "Ladies and Gentlemen, uhhh, this is your captain speaking. We uhhhhh, are about to uhhhh, hit some turbulence, so if you could uhhhh, return to your uhhhhh, seats and fasten your uhhhh, seatbelts, we will be through this in uhhhhhh, no time." The ship then went into the minefield. The sensors on the mines activated and warned the fighters. They swarmed around the ship, disregarding the mines and taking passes on the shuttle. Pants yelled "Somebody man the turret! I cant hold this off in my own!" Then Jade takes control of the turret. A little game begins where you have to hold off the mines and rather evil looking enemy fighters. The magnificent charicter known as Pants will give you warnings as to the direction of incoming fighters, and add in some smartypants comments like "That there was a premature discharge. You have to have control of your gun!" After this sequence is done, a mine slams into the engine of the shuttle, sending it carrening into the atmosphere.


On Arjuun...


On Arjuun, you crash the ship somewhere in the deep jungle, a few clicks away from the capitol city, the aptly named Capitol City. I hope I have the right 'capitol.' Anyway, they all crawl from the wrekage unharmed. Pants says "D@mn it! My right foot is deformed! There is a bony bulge right there at the top! I think I broke it!" while looking at his foot. G says "Pants, that foot has been like that for as long as Ive known you!" and Pants says "ARRGH! Thats not the point!" and puts his boot back on. "All right, Im going to recon the area and mace sure its safe," he declared. "What if theres bad guys out there? you dont have anything to defend yourself with," Jade stated. "Oh? you dont think Im packin'? You dont think I can bring the heat? You dont think I have a very powerfulpiece?" Pants asked. And then...

*ZZZZIIIIIPPPPPP*

"Oh," said Jade.

Pants unzipped a large black bag and unveiled a grey combat uniform, a load bearing vest, some new combat boots, a tactical helmet, a combat knife, and the centerpiece of the whole collection, a streamlined assult rifle that looked very intimidating. "What? Ya think Id leave home without my stuff?" Pants asked Jade. He donned all of his gear, and flipped on his uniforms central computer. The fabric changed color to match the enviornment, and he was off. "Dont worry, Miss Jade. Ive worked with him before. He knows what hes doing," G said to Jade. "I still dont know. He seems like the type to go and look for trouble," Jade remarked. "Ive seen him in action, Miss Jade, and if theres anyone who can find his way out of a mess, its Pants," he reassured her. "You dont need to call me Ms. Jade. Jade will do fine," Jade said. "And I have no choice but to trust him. I just dont know how much I like it," she continued.


Five minutes later...


Five minutes later, Pants returned. "All right, Ive found a way to the city walls from here. Just stay close and we'll be fine," Pants said. They make their way to the walls, ducking by guards running patrols out in the woods. There is a brown stream running the course of the level, going into the walls through a sewer pipe large enough to fit people through. "Theres our entrance. Stay low, theres guards on the walls," Pants said. "And guards at the entrance!" Peyj noticed. Sure enough, two guards had come out to post sentry duty at the pipe. "Theres only two, we could take 'em," Pants said. "Yeah, but what about the alarm?" G asked. Pants and G both thought about it. Then Pants noticed Jade wasnt wearing the army surplus style jacket, having left it at home. She had the tank top, only, and it was covered in soot from the crash. In his dirty, filthy little mind, he had made a foolproof plan. "Jade, come over here, You can help us get past them without any alarms going off," Pants said to Jade. He wispered his master plan into her ear, and Jade smacked him. "You-! Im not doing it! You can find someone else!" Jade said in an elevated voice. "Youre the only one who can do it, Jade. And you can trust me that it will work!" Pants said, holding back his sniggering. "Jade, whatever it is, its better than nothing." Peyj said. "Oh really? You dont even know what it is and youre already taking his si-" she started to protest. "Just DO it!" Peyj interrupted. Jade begrudgingly accepted her new task. She went down the side of the hill they were on, trailed by G and Pants. At the bottom, where Pants said "Okeay, do youre thing, honey!" to Jade. Jade forced herself to make the most seductive smile she could, and walked right up to the guards. "Oh, thank goodness I found you! You see, my ship crashed somewhere back in the woods, and Ive been alone, cold, and tired, looking for some big, strong men to come and help me!" Jade said in a damsel in distress type voice. "Oh! Uh, hehehe, we'll help you, miss! There is no need to fret!" One of the guards said. "Oh! Uh, yeah! Uh, uh, uh, we can help you!" The other guard stammered. "Oh, will you? Oh! thats wonderful!" Jade said, letting out a girlish giggle afterwords. She slowly walked into the woods, pushing back her tank top and revealing her shoulder. She looked back at the two guards, smiled, and winked. The guards lost control right then and there, and went chasing after her. They got to a patch of trees, and Pants and G quickly swung out from behind them with their fists, incapacitating both guards. Pants and G laughed uncontrollably, albiet quietly, and when Jade had stopped blushing she shook her head and muttered "men," under her breath. They make their way into the sewer, and prepare for their next adventure.


As you can see, this ones gonna earn that 'T!'

No one interested anymore? Dont worry, Ill be fine...

At least I have you, tetris. Wait... youre leaving me, too?!?!

well thunderpants, it's missing two things...

1. Me
2. The squad fish (sorry, don't remember if it was a squad fish, platoon fish, barracks fish, I just remember it being a fish.)

Do you mean Goober? He dissapeared; I think he might have been burned at the stake. May the Platoon Fish rest in peace. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen.

Ah hello, I am from the International Lunatic Recovery Unit. I'm afraid Thunderpants here escaped quite some time ago and has managed to elude us for quite some time. We would like your assistance in tracking down this dangerous individual. We must also quarantine this and any other thread Thunderpants has participated in to prevent others being contaminated by his unique brand of comedy. Thankyou.

Contains content?

Normally a post contains content. Or am I missing something

hey Bitebug, can you do somethig about getting rid of that avatar removed message on all my posts, its really annoying and I can't seem to fully get rid of my avatar either.

Well your Signature & Avatar were miles too big...so changing them or something will removed the notice from your sig.

I guess I should have warned you about the graphic depictions of paragraphs as well... Oh well...

quote:

Ah hello, I am from the International Lunatic Recovery Unit. I'm afraid Thunderpants here escaped quite some time ago and has managed to elude us for quite some time. We would like your assistance in tracking down this dangerous individual. We must also quarantine this and any other thread Thunderpants has participated in to prevent others being contaminated by his unique brand of comedy. Thankyou.

Ah, well you're in luck. You will also find Jericho on these forums, whom I'm sure has also escaped from your unit.

Lynx,
Thankyou for your co-operation, we will soon have these two dangerous individuals safely isolated from the community where thier unique brand of comedy and story telling will not contaminate the humourless world we live in, you can sleep safely knowing that you have assisted in the great and noble purge of all thing that have any degree of quality from this world.

All right, Ive thought out the entire story, Now I just need to flesh out the details. I think the people of the forums will enjoy this next bit, as it is filled with suspense, drama, action, and human waste products. WARNING: The following contains graphic depictions of paragraphs and complete sentences. If you do not enjoy things, it is highly reccomended that you stab your eyes out with a pencil to avoid accidental reading.


In Capital City's Sewers...

In Capital City's sewers, Jade, HH, G, Pants, and Peyj made their way through the waist deep waste. The smell was almost overbearing, and the only thing preventing them from fainting was the concious realization that to faint would result in total submersion in the septic soup. "Are you sure that this is the only way in?" Jade demanded of Pants. "It was either this, or we wentthrough the nesting grounds of a wild pack of Peruvian Death Monkey-Rabbits." Pants informed her. They found an elevated platform and a massive maintinence area, and quickly climbed on. "Thank God," said Jade, as she breathed a sigh of relief. the area was connected to a series of subterrainian tunnels, used mainly as maintinence access shafts. The group con not exactly move at will through these tunnels, though, as they were being patrolled by the evil henchmen of the emperor. They were ambushed by a large group of guards soon after getting out of the sludge. "Oh... dang!" G said, as the guards shined them with flashlights and demanded to see their hands. "Hey! You can already see my hands! Theyre on my assult rifle!" Thunderpants remarked. The guards charged their weapons. "Smaaaarrrrttt..." G declared. Pants opened fire, taking three of the eight guards down in one burst. Jade drew her fighting stick, and G drew his. HH and Peyj readied their bludgeoning devices and a fight broke out. The fight is easily won and congratulations are given. "Alright, lets skee-daddle before more morons show up," Peyj said, and they begin to slink around in the tunnels. They eventually met up with their contact on Arjuun in the tunnels. A young IRIS soldier named Marcus and a squad of resistance fighters met them at an intersection in the tunnels. "Hey, uglies. Names Marcus," he whispered. "We arent far from the IRIS hideout. This way," he said, and they followed him down a tunnel to a door. He banged on it three times, and a voice within yelled "Whats the Password?" Marcus replied "New England Clam Chowder!" To which the voice inside replied "Is that the red, or the white?" and Marcus said "Ya can never remember that... WHITE?" to which the door slowly opened.

In the IRIS den, they began their formal intruductions. Jade said "Hi, Im Jade, this is Pants, G, Double H, and Peyj." The commander said "Its an honor to meet you, Miss Jade. Weve heard a lot about you." To which Jade replied "Oh really?" The commander then introduced Marcus, who would be moving with them as long as they were on Arjuun. They then began the briefing. The commander told them that they had found the map piece they were looking for. Unfortunately it was in the middle of the imperial palace, being guarded by a lot of guards. He told them that they would need a high security clearance to enter the palace, and that they could only be gotten in the governors office, which was also guarded by many guards. They would have to infiltrate the governors office, steal the passcards, and use those passcards to infiltrate the palace, steal the map piece, exfiltrate the palace, and return to the IRIS den for it to be analyzed and incorporated into Peyj's... arm map. *Shudder.* Pants raised his hand. "Yes, Mr. Pants," The commander said. "Couldnt we just say please," Pants asked. Marcus said "Yes! We were always told that we could get what we wanted if we just asked nicely!"
"No, Im afraid that wont work," the commander said. "We already got a massive turkey dinner from them like that, they wont fall for the same trick twice," he continued. "Any other questions? Good! Your mission begins now! Good luck and have fun!" The commander said.

They took another door, which opened up into a stall in a womens room. Jade went out first. G followed her, and the patrons winked to one another and giggled. Then Double H came out, and the patrons had a look on their face that said 'ohhh! how naughty!' Then Pants emerged, and they looked slightly confused. Whem Marcus came out, they were looking disturged and disgusted. Then Peyj came out, and one of them screamed "Whats wrong with you people?!" and ran out screaming. As they all followed Jade out of the womens room, some future patrons noticed the train of males following her out of the bathroom, and Pants looked at one, smiled, and zipped up his fly. Outside, people stopped and noticed the motley crew and pointed them out to guards. When a guard stopped them and demanded to know what they were doing, Pants asked for directions to an anime convention. After being informed that there was no such convention in town, Marcus pretended to faint. Pants fell to his knees, cradled Marcus' limp body, said, "No! No! Dont let it end like this!" When Marcus did not respond, Pants threw his hands up in the air and screamed "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!" The guard just slowly backed away, and they continued on their merry way.


Im done writing for now, so either you take what Ive given you and enjoy it, or you dont. its up to you, really. Just dont whine to me if the sheer brilliance of my storytelling gave you a siezure.

You're certainly full of yourself.

Well, Id hope so... If I wasnt, then my insides would be splayed all about on the floor.

quote:

ome future patrons noticed the train of males following her out of the bathroom, and Pants looked at one, smiled, and zipped up his fly.

hahahaha ahhhh, that's classic comedy. good stuff.

quote:

ome future patrons noticed the train of males following her out of the bathroom, and Pants looked at one, smiled, and zipped up his fly.

I've noticed that someone's on the top of their game today, witty comebacks abound.

Most! Hilarious! BGE! Story! Ever!

You are completely out of your mind! I haven't read anything this funny for a long time. This is some good sh*t, man!

By the way:
He banged on it three times, and a voice within yelled "Whats the Password?" Marcus replied "New England Clam Chowder!" To which the voice inside replied "Is that the red, or the white?" and Marcus said "Ya can never remember that... WHITE?" to which the door slowly opened.

So you're also a Jim Carey fan, huh?

Let me answer that in the form of another question... and answer:

Would you mind if I took your pants off, instead?

Gee, lemme think, okeay sure!

And now, the continuing saga of the epic of the journey of the tale of my pants. Again, I must forewarn all of you whom hate joy: DO NOT READ THIS STORY!


On the Streets...

On the streets of Capital City, the motley crew of six made their way to the governors office and hid in an alley. It was indeed quite heavily guarded. Jade assesed the situation, and decided there was no way to enter undetected. "We could always do what we did to get in the city," Pants declared. "Seduce our way past the guards and proceed to where we get the security passes"
"No way! Im not doing that again!" Jade objected. "Hmmm, now that I think about it, you dont have to," G said. "We have a pair of fine young ladies right here!" He said as he pointed to none other than Pants and Marcus. "Wha-? you cant be serious!" Marcus objected. "Jeez, G! I like you, too, but not like THAT!" Pants declared. Jade was all for G's idea. "Im liking this new plan," she declared, with a mildly evil smile on her face. "Just give me fifteen minutes, and you two will be ready to take on the world!" Jade said mischeviously.

**********************FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER**********************************

Jade came out of a connecting alley and said "Gentlemen, I give you 'Shiela' and 'Barbra!'" **Cue 'Aint no Hollabak Girl'** Marcus and Pants made their way around the corner, in pink dresses and blond wigs, with tons of makeup on their face. "If I didnt know better, Id say they were the ugliest women in the whole world!" Double H declared. "Yeah! but look at those legs!" G said. "Do I look pretty?" Marcus asked. "Absolutly ravishing!" Peyj taunted. "Does this dress make me look fat?" Pants asked. "Yes," G said.


(We at Thunderpants, Inc. wish to apoligize for any stress that resulted from reading this past paragraph. If you or a loved one has suffered from reading this, we at Thunderpants, Inc. would like to offer you a complimentary imaginary backrub. Thank you.)


The two ugliest women in the world then made their way right to the front door, marching in perfect step, combat boots clicking against the pavement, halting right in front of the two door guards. "Oh! Hello! We have an appoitment with the governor!' Pants said, in a voice that sounded more like a dying elaphant than a woman. "Yes, a very important appoitment, too!" Marcus said in a voice akin to that of a raccon that had gotten half crushed by a rock. "Oh, really? What sort of an appoitment?" One of the guards said. "Oh, we mean an 'appoitment,' appoitment," Pants said. "And if you let us in, now, we might have some 'appoitment' left for you two! hehehe" Marcus added as they flashed their nasty man smiles. "Ohh HOOO! Uh, hehehe, dont take *too* long," one guard said. "Oh, dont worry, well save some for you!" Pants said.

They entered the offices of the governor, and Pants whispered to Marcus "Wow, these guards are pretty 'frustrated,' arent they?"
"Yeah, Ill say!" Marcus whispered back. They then made their way to the governors own office, figuring that they wouldnt issue high security passes to a pair of twits in womens clothing. After a bit of walking around, they came upon the governors main office, seduced their way past the guards, and entered.

In the office, the governor swiveled around in his swivel chair, looked at the two unwilling cross-dressers, and smiled his 'oh boy! I could get lucky' smile. "And how can I help you two young ladies, now?" he asked. "You could start by giving us six security passes to the palace," Pants said in his normal voice. "OH MY GO-" the governor said as he got his chair knocked over. "Give us the passes!" Marcus ordered him. "Never! Ill never succumb to the will of terrorists like you!" He hissed. "Fine, we'll just have to neuter you. Doctor! Hand me the knife!" Pants said. "Yikes!" the governor yelled. They then put his chair back up and forced him into it. "OHhHhHhH!" he screamed. "OKEAY! ILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT!" he whimpered. He gave them six palace passes, and Pants said "Now was that so hard?" and then they knocked the governor out with a pistol whip to the back of the head. As they came out, the doorguards looked in, saw his unconsious body, and looked at the two fake women with bewilderment. Pants looked in, looked at the guards, and said "Old men always fall asleep halfway through!" and they left the two guards keeled over with laughter.

Outside, Jade was telling G all about her previous adventure. "...and then Double H rammed his head right into the back of his breathing tank, and he went flying!" Jade said. "He was completley unaware of my presence! I took Chapter Six of Carlson And Peters to heart!" Double H said. "Nice!" G said. "Sounds like you had a bit of fun," he continued. "Well, it wasnt fun at the time, but looking back on the whole experience, Id say it was pretty exciting. Not something Id want to do again, but maybe it would make a good videogame," Jade replied. "Anyway, what about you? Ive hardly gotten to know you," Jade inquired. "Oh, there isnt much to talk about," G said. "Oh, come on! If were going to be working together, we might as well get to know eachother better," Jade insisted. "...maybe later, here comes our seductresses." G observed. Sure enough, Marcus and Thunderpants came out of the front door after giving the guards a weenus rub. The guards felt kind of gipped when they found out that the weenus was the skin on your elbow. Jade and G both laughed heartily as they approached the alley. They quickly got rid of the dresses, makeup and wigs. "Howd ya like it?" G asked. "A nice taste of your own medicine?" Jade said. "They were no match for our feminine wiles!" Marcus said. "We were just to damm sexy," Pants added. They then distributed the passes, and they made their way to the palace.


They took up a position near the palace and observed the patrol routes of the guards. "No more seduction. Now we do this the old fashioned way," Pants said. "Im glad youve decided that," Jade said. They observed a small vent shaft that was large enough to crawl through and low enough to the ground to be reached. Miracuoulsly, there was no one guarding the shaft. "Funny how things always seem to work out so well in that regard," G said. They all made their way through the vents, and came to a storage closet where they split up into teams of two to scour the area for the map piece. Pants and Marcus, HH and Peyj, G and Jade. They planned to meet later on in a room that had no purpose other than to be an mDisk terminal, and parted ways.



All the exitement! All the drama! No more drag queens! R U PREPARED FOR TEH NEXT CHAPTARE?!!!!1 Tune in next time to find out!

I'm not prepared for the next chapter but I have no choice, have I? I cannot help it, I HAVE to read this. It's too funny to miss it.