Later im going to make a new thread since this one is contaiminated

Ok i'm going to do the forums and, if any comapany was dumb to publish this, a Favour. I'm going to force myself to read this and i shall tell you why it is bad, if not terrible. Now i am a writer i know WHAT i'm doing so don't say "what the hell you can't talk" in your almost grammar free english.

Ok here i go....

God help me

You never said why it's bad. I except crictism but at least say why it's bad

quote:

Originally posted by DAFOC:
You never said why it's bad. I except crictism but at least say why it's bad

Still reading it, it's that hard to get through. But so far problems are...Numerous and bloody obvious. How did you not pick them up.

Ok some of them are...

Veiw point: is it first or third person? you like keep switiching. Stick to one as it makes it eeasier to read and not as reatrded. Aslo get rid of the narrator thing, show not tell.

Ok commas, USE THEM! My god you don't use any even in like really basic things like lists, ie "Daniel, zeke, waters, mathews and dave" you don't dfo taht you just have "Daniel zeke waters mathews and dave" with no commas! Seriosuly everytime there is a comma it lets the reader stop take a breath and it makes the flow better.

ok what else...

Spelling! do you write this in word then copy and paste it into here? If you do't do us all a favour and DO IT! You don't pick any of them. You write engine as "enjoin" what the hell man! proof read your work when you'r done, it makes everything sooo much cleaner and easier to read.

Well i gotta go now but i'll force myself to read the rest later.

Thx for the constructive crictsimim

it's all well and good to say thanks but it's another thing to take it onboard. Read what i said and look at your work see what's wrong with it and FIX it.

quote:

Originally posted by vyper_981:
it's all well and good to say thanks but it's another thing to take it onboard. Read what i said and look at your work see what's wrong with it and FIX it.

A little harsh.....

Hey dude i'm just saying the truth here. There are many things in this he seriously needs to fix. Just i've doen this before and people ignore me, so i'm trying to get my point across

Hey Dafoc, how old are you? I think its cool that you are doing something creative, and you should definitely stick with it!

vyper, although your points are clearly right, it does seem a bit harsh on him... (but do listen to his advice Dafoc)
__________

Dafoc, how often do you read novels? and what kind do you like the most?

The more you read, the better you will write.

A quick example of where this would help is with the slang words you use in the narration (eg 'kinda'). These make your writing look unprofessional.


If I were you, I would read two novels from different genres before returning to this book. Try to pick up some hints, and allow your writing style to be influenced by the writers you like.

I like the story but you have some spelling errors but in all that was a good story.

Overall the story is pretty good. While it does contain some grammatical errors and some odd sentence structure, it is something that can be improved on if you put the time and effort into it.

It is great to read a wide variety of books as it can give you inspiration, but don't try to copy someone else's style. You need to find your own style and improve on that but the more you read and write, your style will come with practice.

As mentioned already, swapping between first and third person can be very tricky to do successfully. Also, it is a good idea to read out loud what you're writing. This is a good way to check if what you're writing actually makes sense. It is always a good idea to start collecting reference books that will help you to improve your writing skills. I love writing and a book I would recommend is this. The book is small but very concise and it will give you some valuable guidance on a good many subjects pertaining to writing.

Are you writing as a way to get into the writing industry or are you hoping to get into the games industry?

I cant wait for the next segment of the story!
(dont ask, Im not at liberty to tell... )

Can I get a part in this story. The story is coming along nicely.

Cant decide
DC for Democracy Coalition or
ADC for Allied Democracy Coalition

and I read alot of novels though never over
PG-13
I am going to listen to Vyper and I thank him for the advice

BTR not the next segment the next BOOK!
Im only posting a page or two more until I finish it.
AND WHAT BRANCH IS COD IN HE SAID HE WANTED TO BE IN IT.

You've never read anything over Pg? wow i find that hard to believe.

Ok well i'd recommed for action writing, any of the matthew reily books (action at it's most insane, if a little unrealistic).

For first person and charcter development, teh Twilight saga (THIS IS NOT A CHICK BOOK ONLY!)

Any of Tom CLancy's books, (teeth of the tiger is good)

And yeah justod books that deal with everything, so romances, fantasy anything that will help you improve.

I'm gonna go read more of your one now.

quote:

Originally posted by AlphaDelta219:
books written by kids make me cringe... you have some good ideas there, but it just reaks of early teenager.

I take major offense to that, I am also a teenage author and I am also writing several military novels, though a teenager may not be able to deliver a JRR Tolkien experience, we can at least write a decent story, and with a little bit of research and the literature knowledge, we could be the next C.S Lewis or the Christoper Paolini, so all though it may be a bit of a non accurate piece of work, at least it is a good story with good dialogue,DAFOC I honor your commitment to literature and i offer my help to as a researcher and to provide a teenagers opinion on the book, which i think is good for a teenager. So although we are Teenagers, although we may sit at the computer all day and argue with people on forums like I'm doing right now, we are the future of America, and if they were more people like DAFOC in this world, then the future of America be a bright one, one of peace and harmony!

<the audience claps and wipes tears from the eyes at the motivational speech>

So I hope that you people with visions of doing something with your life now, as a teenager, go for it, because the only thing you can lose from tryign to help the world is knowing that you failed if you're unsuccesful.

urgh don't be the next christopher paloni, he sucks. Eragon is just a rip-off of LOTR and Star Wars.

Anywho, i agree with Famous guy, soem teenage authours are good, i'm 14 myslef abd my work has been praised by a lot of people. in fact read This i'ts by me (i;m Capt Dec) and yeah i know taht's first person and not third person like DAFOC's story but he could at least read it and see hwo it's set out.

P.S any feedback about that story would be cool as well)

the only real problem i had with it, was that you said, "i like pie, said the captain i think we should eat some more" or something, when it really should have said, "i like pie", said the Captain, "i think we should eat some more." You're not supposed to quote the narrator

quote:

Originally posted by vyper_981:
urgh don't be the next christopher paloni, he sucks. Eragon is just a rip-off of LOTR and Star Wars.

Anywho, i agree with Famous guy, soem teenage authours are good, i'm 14 myslef abd my work has been praised by a lot of people. in fact read This i'ts by me (i;m Capt Dec) and yeah i know taht's first person and not third person like DAFOC's story but he could at least read it and see hwo it's set out.

P.S any feedback about that story would be cool as well)

Actually i like first person books, it adds a sense of reality to it, like your sitting right there and listening to the guy tell the story