Hi everybody!

Feel free to post here the funniest jokes you run into, that you'd like to share with all of us. Don't foget to keep things decent though, as this is an open forum for all age cathegories.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Zamolxis108,

umm.. here's a joke:

Knock-knock!
who's there
guess
guess who?
gesstapo!!

lol

I'll go first. Beat me on this Coconuts.

Donno if all of you have seen this, but I ran into it again today, and even if it was not the first time I saw it, I still laughed again a lot with some of the answers. Whether this true or not doesn't matter - it's still amusing.... ENJOY!


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

The last one is cool! lol... took hammer away from midget... ROFL!

Qantas engineers are cool
Refering to Zam's joke:

P: Starforce detected.
S: Back up copy burned succesfully.

Joke, means don't start new fire here

60 Things not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Ever heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ****, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Well the top of stupidety is giving youre visacard to youre grilfrind/wife in a shoe store.

Friendship among Women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 7 of them say he did sleep over and 3 claim he's still there.

Liked these quite a lot:

Warnings issued by the U.S. military to their own troops:

"Aim towards the enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.

"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend."
US Marine Corps.

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
USAF Ammo Troop.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
U.S. Air Force Manual.

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal.

"Tracers work both ways."
US Army Ordnance.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal.

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
Anon.

"Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
Your comrades.

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
USAF Ammo Troop.

"Women are nothing but problems"

Ok we all heard this one day or another. Some people agrees, others not. Well, here's the mathematical proof that women ARE indeed problems.

Let's start off with the basics. To be with a woman, you need time and money. Thus :

WOMAN = TIME x MONEY (1)

Everyone knows that time IS money. So :

TIME = MONEY (2)

Let's put (2) in (1) :

WOMAN = (MONEY)^2 (3)

And old saying goes : "Money is the root of all problems"

MONEY = (PROBLEMS)^0.5 (4)

Which actually means, if you put (4) in (3) that :

WOMAN = ((PROBLEMS)^0.5)^2 = PROBLEMS

Tadam!!

Who can refute this now?

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

There's this guy who wants walking on a California beach. He stumbles on an old, dirty lamp. So he starts rubbing the lamp, and a genie pops out of it!!!

" okay, okay, you've released me and all, but it's the third time this week, so I'll give you only one wish instead of three. "

Astonished, the guy starts thinking of a wish. He thinks and thinks and thinks.... and then he says :

- Hey, I've always wanted to go to Japan, but I'm afraid of airplanes and I get seasick on a boat. Could you...could you build me a bridge that goes from here to Japan???

- Huh? Are you crazy??? you want me to build you a bridge that goes from California to Japan??? I mean come on!! Think of all the material I'll need, think of how it must be perfectly done not to fall down!!! Nahhh, think of another wish.

So the guy starts thinking again, he thinks and thinks and thinks..... and then says :

- Look, I've been married and divorced three times. The three times my ex-wives told me I'm insensitive and I don't care about them. My wish would be to understand woman, to be more comprehensive to their demands, to know what they mean they say "nothing", to...

- Two lanes or four on your bridge?

:P

Another one :P

Three blonds trapped on an island. One of the three finds a lamp, she rubs it and out of it comes a genie. Now the genie says :

- You have released me!!! but since you're three, you'll have one wish each.

The first one thinks and thinks and thinks and says :

- I wanna be intelligent!!!

Pouf! There goes a brunette, she swims off the island. The second blond thinks and thinks and thinks and then says :

- I wanna be intelligent too, but more than the first one!!!

Pouf! She becomes a black-haired woman, she builds a boat and gets out of the island. The third one thinks and thinks and thinks and the says :

- Well, I wanna be more intelligent then the second one!!

Pouf! She becomes a man, and he passes through the bridge.

lol... I love both those lists. And that one from Power_Lich! I'm stealing those.

Unfortunately, I have no real sense of humor, so I cannot make an actual contribution to this thread. But here's a fake contribution:

Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their soul to Santa.

- Tale

Actually that was a pretty good one DarkAngelTale.

Heroine_LL's list and Power_Lich's sleep overs - ROTFLMAO

This is rude but pretty funny.

The girl’s Diary:

Saturday march 26 2005

Saw Mark last night and he acted really weird. I went shopping with my girlfriends in the afternoon. And later I went to a bar with Mark, it was really crowded and very noisy.

I suggested that we went to a more quiet place to talk. He seemed really absentminded, so I suggested that we went somewhere nice to eat. But under the dinner he didn’t seem like himself, he didn’t smile, he didn’t notice me and pay attention to what I said. So I just know there was something wrong.

He drove me home, and I wandered if he wanted to come inside. He went with me inside. I asked if there was something wrong, He shrug his hid and gave a small sigh, he went to the next room and turned on the telly. After ten silent minutes, I told he that I wanted to go to bed.
I put my arms around him and told him I loved him. He just gave a small sigh and gave me a sad smile.

He didn’t come up right away, but came to bed a bit later, I was surprised how absent and cold he was when we made love. I started to suspect that he was going to leave me, maybe he had found another.

That night I cried myself to sleep.

The boy’s diary:

Saturday march 26 2005

Denmark lost one nil against Ukraine… ******* match… still got laid.

************************************************

I got this link from my wife:

<http://www.stephaniemiller.com/declarationofrevocation.htm>

Warning may offend americans

By the way Valtor2 be carefull about the genie jokes, you might just anger Chuckles

Heorine you forgot one: Don’t worry it isn’t the size that matters, it’s the way you use is.
I really hate it when I get that

quote:

Originally posted by Zamolxis108:
I'll go first. Beat me on this Coconuts.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN THE PAST YEAR!
YOU SAVED MY DAY...HMM NOT MUCH LEFT OF IT... OK MY WEEK!
YOU RIPPED MY GUTS WITH GIGLING, YOU WOKE MY MOTHER UP LOL
EDIT: i couldnt pick the funniest one..

^_^ at Zamolxis.

Troller, that link was great. I'm one of the 2.25 percent of Americans that knows there's a world outside the US, and one of the .225 who wants a REAL choice for president. Between Kerry and Bush, I would have been happier voting for my dead grandmother (God bless her soul).

- Tale

Donald Rumsfeld was giving the President his daily briefing. He concluded
by saying:
"..and yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident.'
"OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, watching nervously as
the President held his head in hands. Finally, the President looked up and
asked..........'How many is a Brazillion??'

quote:

Originally posted by DarkAngelTale:
^_^ at Zamolxis.

Troller, that link was great. I'm one of the 2.25 percent of Americans that knows there's a world outside the US, and one of the .225 who wants a REAL choice for president. Between Kerry and Bush, I would have been happier voting for my dead grandmother (God bless her soul).

- Tale

Hehe at least you can call you one in a million

Naa that was a bit harsh... But a laughed so much the first time I read it, and I laughed almost as much the second time

quote:

Originally posted by Citadel_Sealt
"Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
Your comrades.

Lol