Canuckmikes
12-31-2005, 02:29 AM
A treatsie by M. Stein, Esq.
1. December 31, 1:43 AM is generally overshadowed by it’s raucous 22-hours-away neighbor. It’s like giving someone a check for $1000 dollars, but showing them Bill Gates’ bank statement first. It just can’t compare. So, my first suggestion to improve December 31, 1:43 AM is to move it to another month. Like November. It’s not a huge move â€" at most, 60 days away. But moving away from 01/01 will really let 12/31 shine.
2. Rename it. All the really good days in our calendar have names. Halloween. New Years. National Beat-Up-A-Hobo day. When facing marquee names like these, December 31, 1:43 AM doesn’t stand a chance. Half the reason people get excited for Halloween is because it’s easy to say “So. What are you doing for Halloween?”. “Got any plans for December 31, 1:43 AM” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Henceforth, December 31, 1:43 AM will be known as “A*s Kickery Hour”. A*s Kickery Hour is a name that people can really rally around.
3. Associate A*s Kickery Hour with somebody famous. Preferably dead. It’s a travesty that the late John Stamos doesn’t have a remembrance holiday. Yes, I’m well aware that technically, John Stamos isn’t dead. But you and I both know that he died when Jessie and The Rippers stopped being a band.
4. Have a running of the something, to celebrate A*s Kickery Hour. Everybody seems to like the running of the bulls in Spain, even though there’s some moron every year who can’t understand how he got gored in the butt by a bull. Really. Is it that hard to figure out? You were running in front of a d*mned bull. He hit you in the a*s. But I digress…
Seeing as Spain has cornered the running-in-front-of-a-horned-animal festivities, A*s Kickery Hour will have to choose a different running. While the running of the noses sounds appealing at first thought, the tissue overhead makes it impractical. Instead, A*s Kickery Hour will be celebrated with the running of the dwarves.
5. Create a special holiday food, that is only prepared around A*s Kickery Hour. Chanukah has latkes. Christmas has eggnog. Thanksgiving day has credit card debt. *** Kickery Hour will have… steak. For the vegetarians, *** Kickery Hour will have… vegetable flavored steak. It is still okay to have steak at other times during the year, but it’ll be renamed “A*s Kickery Meat”
6. Have A*s Kickery Hour sales, so we can have another excuse to see pictures of somebody’s grandmother getting trampled while rushing to buy a DVD player for $40 at Wal Mart. Because those pictures are so heartwarming, and grandma didn’t really need her hip.
1. December 31, 1:43 AM is generally overshadowed by it’s raucous 22-hours-away neighbor. It’s like giving someone a check for $1000 dollars, but showing them Bill Gates’ bank statement first. It just can’t compare. So, my first suggestion to improve December 31, 1:43 AM is to move it to another month. Like November. It’s not a huge move â€" at most, 60 days away. But moving away from 01/01 will really let 12/31 shine.
2. Rename it. All the really good days in our calendar have names. Halloween. New Years. National Beat-Up-A-Hobo day. When facing marquee names like these, December 31, 1:43 AM doesn’t stand a chance. Half the reason people get excited for Halloween is because it’s easy to say “So. What are you doing for Halloween?”. “Got any plans for December 31, 1:43 AM” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Henceforth, December 31, 1:43 AM will be known as “A*s Kickery Hour”. A*s Kickery Hour is a name that people can really rally around.
3. Associate A*s Kickery Hour with somebody famous. Preferably dead. It’s a travesty that the late John Stamos doesn’t have a remembrance holiday. Yes, I’m well aware that technically, John Stamos isn’t dead. But you and I both know that he died when Jessie and The Rippers stopped being a band.
4. Have a running of the something, to celebrate A*s Kickery Hour. Everybody seems to like the running of the bulls in Spain, even though there’s some moron every year who can’t understand how he got gored in the butt by a bull. Really. Is it that hard to figure out? You were running in front of a d*mned bull. He hit you in the a*s. But I digress…
Seeing as Spain has cornered the running-in-front-of-a-horned-animal festivities, A*s Kickery Hour will have to choose a different running. While the running of the noses sounds appealing at first thought, the tissue overhead makes it impractical. Instead, A*s Kickery Hour will be celebrated with the running of the dwarves.
5. Create a special holiday food, that is only prepared around A*s Kickery Hour. Chanukah has latkes. Christmas has eggnog. Thanksgiving day has credit card debt. *** Kickery Hour will have… steak. For the vegetarians, *** Kickery Hour will have… vegetable flavored steak. It is still okay to have steak at other times during the year, but it’ll be renamed “A*s Kickery Meat”
6. Have A*s Kickery Hour sales, so we can have another excuse to see pictures of somebody’s grandmother getting trampled while rushing to buy a DVD player for $40 at Wal Mart. Because those pictures are so heartwarming, and grandma didn’t really need her hip.