Psychfilm
07-05-2005, 01:41 PM
~A lone U-Boat Captain fighting a battle of wits in the Atlantic粐ぎﾂｦcompletely unarmed
Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Captain J. Smitlack
Shore Leave
July 20 粐ぎ" August 27, 1940
Socko and I go drinking in Paris. We hit the Eiffel tower, and thank God no one saw us, in a drunken stupor behind the wheel of Donitz粐ぎ冱 staff car. Halfway through the leave we get a telegram that tells us that our operations have been transferred from Wilhelmshaven to Brest at the west end of the Brittany peninsula in France. After I get Socko to stop laughing, tell him that it is Brest not Breast and also tell him to grow up, we make arrangements to move U-1 there along with the crew and the Sock Puppets to the new port.
On August 17, 1940 ten days before we were to depart Hitler announced a blockade of the British Isles. Along with this announcement the fuehrer commissioned the Socks and a new boat and ordered them to participate in the blockade. I was sad and at the same time relieved to see them go. Socko and I stood along side the pier and watched them pull out.
粐ぎﾅ鉄ee ya out there you lily white gopher bum snuffers!粐ぎﾂ Socko shouted from the pier as they left.
August 28, 1940
The accommodations at Brest are fantastic. Socko tells me that my room has it粐ぎ冱 own bathroom with it粐ぎ冱 very own drinking fountain. A few days later I粐ぎ冦 told that the drinking fountain is actually a bidet. I tell Socko that anyone can make a mistake. He calls me an idiot.
U-1 has been fitted out for sea. She is carrying two T-I粐ぎ冱 (G7a) and three T-II粐ぎ冱 (G7e). The magnetic pistol problems have apparently been taken care of. Though I have heard from other Captain粐ぎ冱 that they still have a high failure rate in colder waters, but I have not had a problem so I粐ぎ冦 not going to worry about it.
We have been assigned to patrol Grid AN 52 on the other side of Britain. U-1 does not have the fuel to make a trip around Britain and even if she did we would still have to shoot the gap just south of Scapa Flow. No the only way we can reach our grid and still have fuel to patrol is to go right through the English Channel. Socko is literally foaming at his cotton puppet mouth to run the channel. I tell him that we must use caution. I am shocked into silence when Socko turns his single eye to me and agrees. He further surprises me when he tells me that I am the Captain of this Pecan Log and that he will follow me anywhere.
My prayers have been answered my First Officer is actually ready to serve as a First Officer. We climb on board together. I actually have to wipe a tear from my eye. Socko tells me to stop being such a pansy.
Our groupies seem to have followed us from Wilhelmshaven. They line up on the pier cheering.
粐ぎﾅ填1! U1! U1! SOCKO! SOCKO! SOCKO! SOCKO!
09:02 The crew toss off the bow and stern line. Engaging the electrics we motor out into the harbor. Once we are clear of the pier I order the Diesel engines engaged. The boat thrums from the power of the engines and we pull further from the pier. We turn and wave to our U-1 groupies on the pier.
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09:09 Paying too much attention to our groupies at the pier and not where we were going we collide with sea wall just outside of Brest incurring heavy damage.
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Socko breaks into a fit of laughter that is echoed by our groupies on the pier. I try to explain.
粐ぎﾅ鏑eaving Wilhelmshaven was always a straight shot out I thought this would be to!粐ぎﾂ This only brings more laughter from Socko. I also notice that a number of the crew have joined in.
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Over the laughter I order a damage crew to begin repairs.
20:46 Later that night all damages have been repaired and U-1 sets off with little fan fair. No one is around except for the morbidly curious who have decided to stick around and ridicule us from the Pier. I plot a course to our patrol grid once again. After which I head for my bunk and pull the curtain closed.
August 29, 1940
05:59 The watch spots an armed trawler and from my bunk I order the boat submerged.
10:29 U-1 surfaces and makes the turn east into the channel. Socko issues an Alarm and forces me to get out of bed. I rush to the bridge and find him there smiling. He points down on the deck and at first I am sure I must be seeing things. My deck chair, the green and white one, is sitting on the deck right where I always used to put it. I cannot believe it. Socko just shrugs.
粐ぎﾅ的 know how much inanimate objects mean to you sir.粐ぎﾂ Socko says before turning and retreating below.
At 1/3 Ahead and with little chop on the sea I head down to my favorite deck chair. I spend the rest of the morning letting the sun warm my skin. It has been too long.
I spend the next hour in the sun thinking about how much Socko has changed. I think back to when we first picked up the little lint ball with his brass button eye and that lovable scowl he always got when he told me what I could go and do with myself.
I shade my eyes from the bright sun as an old mariner粐ぎ冱 warning, that I first heard when I was just an ensign on my first patrol, echoes through my head.
粐ぎﾅ泥on粐ぎ冲 trust your Socks any farther than you can throw them. Because socks don粐ぎ冲 change粐ぎﾂｦthey just fade in the wash.粐ぎﾂ
It was spoken by my first Captain just before he was thrown in the Whispering Pines Hospital for the very very nervous but it occurred to me just as a shadow fell over me from behind. I heard the whisper of cotton in the salty air before I Socko wrapped himself around my neck. I am spun around and find what I knew would be there, Socko粐ぎ冱 brass button eye blazing in the sun. What I did not expect to see was the crew behind him. A MUTINY onboard U-1. Socko kicks my Deck Chair into the ocean and I scream as it floats along the side of the boat before being pulled under.
粐ぎﾅ典oss the decorative box making cake decorating panty waste in the Chart Locker,粐ぎﾂ Drips from the cottonmouth of my First Officer as I am hauled below and plunged into the darkness screaming.
~The Adventures of Socko, A lone Sock against the world.
Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Grand Admiral Socko self professed ruler of U-1 and all he surveys.
August 29, 1940
After dumping Smitlack in the chart locker I issue a standing order that every single time I set foot on the bridge half the watch is to commit suicide by jumping into the ocean as a show of loyalty to me. After which I jump on the bridge, off the bridge, and back on again causing 3/4粐ぎ冱 of the bridge crew to toss themselves into the abyss. I head back down below. Being a U-boat skipper is hard work. I want a hotdog.
13:13 The watch person, because the others are gone for some reason spots a V&W Destroyer and I order the boat submerged. We close in for a kill. The cook tells me that the angle is no good. I tell him he粐ぎ冱 been reading through his tears from the epic tale of Pansy written by Smitlack.
13:23 I order the launch of a single T-II at the V&W.
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13:24 The torp hits on the back quarter with a resounding explosion. I order the boat surfaced and for the fifteen minutes it takes her to sink we take turns heckling the survivors. We pull the U-boat up along side and as they attempt to climb aboard we pull away laughing. Some would call it cruel but I would call it粐ぎﾂｦ well cruel I guess but so what I粐ぎ冦 the captain.
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I go down below and have the crew toss old Smitty a bone to gnaw on while I have some lobster and steak before stretching out on his bunk for a nap.
August 30, 1940
During the night the winds picked up to 13 meters and a light fog rolls in under overcast skies. Smitlack probably would have been crying in his bunk, but I粐ぎ冦 a man粐ぎﾂｦer Sock粐ぎﾂｦ you get the picture. I order us forward on the surface daring the British to attack while I traverse across MY Channel.
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August 31, 1940
05:23 The single Watch Officer sights a V&W through the fog. Instead of engaging we submerge like a crew of wimps.
14:44 We escape from the V&W粐ぎﾂｦthat sounds too much like we were afraid粐ぎﾂｦ THE V&W flees before the very thought of me. We continue through the channel submerged.
19:43 The cook calls me a chicken, for running submerged for so long, just before I choke the life out of him. We surface the boat under overcast skies. I order U-1 ahead through the narrowest part of the channel. I pitch the dead cook overboard.
粐ぎﾅ展ho粐ぎ冱 Chicken?! ALL I SEE IS FISH FOOD!粐ぎﾂ I shout at his corpse before it slips below the surface.
September 1, 1940
In the early morning hours we have to dive to avoid being run over by several destroyers. We play cat and mouse with them for a while before we let them go.
18:49 We surface the boat into heavy rains and heavier fog. To prove to the crew what I粐ぎ冦 made of I jump overboard and swim ahead of the boat and take this picture.
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I swim back to the boat and lift the ban on Music from the future as I set the gramophone up against the Chart box. I order the Radio Operator to play TNT by AC/DC for the next twenty-four hours.
September 2, 1940
We pass through the channel. I can tell the crew is in a good mood, a better mood than they were under that cry baby Smitlack at least, so I order the Radio Operator to play another 24 hours of nothing but TNT. Halfway through the night I think we hear screaming from the chart locker. I order the radioman to crank it up. We continue plowing through the water toward our patrol grid with 粐ぎﾅ典NT! OY! OY! OY! TNT!粐ぎﾂ repeating over and over again at full volume. I could really go for some bratwurst right about now.
September 3, 1940
07:02 The rain lifts but the sky is still overcast and the sea is still rolling. We hold a competition on the deck to see who can eat the most Sauerkraut before throwing up. It turns out to be machinist mate Horst. I shoot him out of a torpedo tube and the crew comes around to naming me IRON SOCK STOMACH OF U-1 1940.
16:48 we arrive at AN 52 and begin our patrol
September 4, 1940
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05:23 Just before dawn we pass a flaming Elco. I smile and wave as we pass by. I order the crew to the flak gun but before they can get the gun trained on her the torpedo boat slips below the surface. I rant and rave for several hours.
粐ぎﾅ典his happens every time. I really wanted to light those flamers up!粐ぎﾂ The crew tells me that I am being un-PC whatever that means. I go off looking for a dictionary but not being able to find one I set in the galley and down a half can of lard.
16:58 Our Patrol complete I order a course change to the west. The Chief asks me where we are going. I tell him Firth of Forth. He turns white. The Assistant Cook overhears us.
粐ぎﾅ典his is madness!粐ぎﾂ He screams. 粐ぎﾅ典he Forth is an impregnable port with coastal guns, it is narrow, shallow and there are warships as well. We will surely be killed.粐ぎﾂ
粐ぎﾅ的mpregnable huh?粐ぎﾂ I ask as a cruel scowl forms on my cotton lips. I run a hunk of pipe through his chest. 粐ぎﾅ添ou粐ぎ决e not impregnable and neither is that port! Forward you short Muppet moochers!粐ぎﾂ I scream.
粐ぎﾅ添ou know Grand Admiral, if you keep offing the crew like this粐ぎﾂｦ you won粐ぎ冲 have any crew left.粐ぎﾂ The chief says. I agree with him粐ぎﾂｦ after I crush him under the deck plates.
I bang on top of the chart box. 粐ぎﾅ添ou hear that Smitty we粐ぎ决e going to the Forth.
We continue on towards the Firth of Forth.
September 5, 1940
10:36 The Watch Officer spots an enemy based coastal gun on land and I order the boat to submerge.
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I suspect that he was making it up but I粐ぎ冦 too lazy to pull myself to the bridge to find out. I guess I粐ぎ冤l believe him for now. As I dog the hatch shut I think to myself that this may be the last daylight we see for a while.
17:25 We arrive at Firth of Forth and the hydrophone operator reports a contact moving back and forth in front of us. Through the periscope I identify the contact a single Black Swan Frigate.
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I order slow ahead and pop the periscope up every two minutes to see what the frigate is doing.
17:35 The Swan makes the mistake of turning her broadside towards us. I let one eel swim. The first torp detonates prematurely. I order the Engineer to pull Smitty out of the Chart Box and beat him senseless. The Engineer opens the box but ole粐ぎ Smitty isn粐ぎ冲 in there.
粐ぎﾅ溺aybe he dried up and blew away.粐ぎﾂ I ruminate aloud. I do not have time to think about such matters now however.
I order a salvo on the other two tubes. As soon as they swim I order the bow crew to reload our last torpedo.
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The salvo slams into the side of the swan and she breaks up quickly slipping to the bottom.
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I order the remaining crew, both of them, to tear the boat apart until they find Smitty.
I hunch over the chart and order the engine room Flank Ahead. We are going to the Firth of Forth if it kills every man aboard U-1.
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17:55 U-1 arrives at the port Firth of Forth as the sun begins to set behind it.
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We proceed in closer. Using the periscope I find a small tanker anchored at the pier and line up to take my shot.
18:25 I order our final torpedo out of her tube and speed her on towards the tanker lying at anchor. I was a poet and I didn粐ぎ冲 even know it. Just as I粐ぎ冦 jotting that in my journal and thinking about how much I粐ぎ况e turned out to be like ole粐ぎ Smitty he pops up out the bilge smelling like the inside of a yak.
~A lone U-Boat Captain fighting a battle of wits in the Atlantic粐ぎﾂｦcompletely unarmed
Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Captain J. Smitlack
September 5, 1940
In the crews excitement over the attack on the Black Swan Frigate I manage to slip out of the chart box and into the bilge. Out of the cat粐ぎ冱 bottom and into the litter box as my old college roommate used to say.
I manage to position myself under Socko and after he fires another torpedo I push up the deck plate and confront him. He is scribbling in his journal and looks up. I see surprise register in his eye before his face goes stone cold.
粐ぎﾅ添ou smell like the inside of a yak. Do you know that?粐ぎﾂ He says.
粐ぎﾅ添eeeeeet!粐ぎﾂ I say as I cross the two steps to him and wrap my hand around his throat. He tries to break out of it but I slam him into the periscope. My Lugar drops from my holster and bounces across the deck plates. We both dive for it at the same time and reach it at the same time. It is a battle of wills, a battle for the lives of the crew, a battle for the very soul of U-1.
BANG
The Lugar fires. I look at Socko and he looks at me as the smoke curls up from the single black hole just above his knight粐ぎ冱 cross.
We hear the explosion from the doomed tanker.
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Socko slumps to the deck plate mortally wounded as I rush to his side. He smiles up at me.
粐ぎﾅ的 got her.粐ぎﾂ He says coughing out a small spool of white cotton thread.
粐ぎﾅ添eah you got her,粐ぎﾂ I tell him cradling him in my arms. He looks up at me.
粐ぎﾅ的 never did like you Smitty. And oh yeah I slept with your wife. I hid in the laundry hamper when you got home the insurance salesman was really there to update your policy. He just made the mistake of forgetting his pants that day.粐ぎﾂ He coughs once more and is gone.
I order us to surface and toss Socko overboard. I bandage the hole in my left hand but not the hole in my heart. We dive and I order us to the east. We are leaving this place粐ぎﾂｦ this place of death.
We arrive back at Brest. As we tie up to the pier the cheers of our groupies no longer hold any meaning for me. I report into Donitz and am awarded the swords for my knights cross. Medals no longer hold any excitement for me either. I have seen too much death.
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I put in for a desk job and Donitz grants my request..
September 27, 1940
Hitler has signed the Tripartite (Axis) Pact with Italy and Japan. I think I would very much like to live in Japan. Perhaps take a job as an emissary between Germany and Japan. I being looking into it and am pleased when I am promoted to Naval Attachﾃｩ of Germany in Japan. I am based in a city called Hiroshima.
On the day I am to depart I stare out at the sea and think of my dear friend Socko that adulterous mean little bit of fluff that was the best First Officer I ever had. That said I am glad he is gone and yet at the same time saddened. On the horizon where the ocean meets the sky I see a glint of sunlight off the water like a single diamond on a deep blue cloth. A lot like a single brass button eye. As the sea breeze rushes in with the waves I swear I hear his laughter ever so softly. I strain my ears but it is gone. As I turn away from the water a couple of thoughts occur to me. I miss him so much粐ぎﾂｦbut I miss my deck chair more.
April 8, 2003
Inside Baghdad
The sun baked the loose sand without mercy as the US troops pushed forward further into the war torn city of Baghdad. Lance Corporal Scott Jenkins broke from cover and on the run fired three round bursts from his M16 at the enemy position. He dropped down behind a small brick wall to reload the smell of cordite heavy in the air. An Ak-47 kicked in the distance and the rounds hit on the other side of the wall.
Jenkins hit the magazine release on his M16. He thumped the fresh magazine against the side of his helmet to seat the rounds before he jammed it into the receiver of his weapon. Scotty, as he was known by the others in his Marine Fire Team, pulled back on the charging handle and released it jacking a 5.56mm round into the chamber. Being careful not to expose himself over the top of the wall he slid down to the end, leaned out and fired several well aimed bursts at the two soldiers he saw. The rounds arched into the enemy position tearing through it. One burst caught a young private in the chest and he slumped back against the stone column he had been standing in front of. The other soldier had his head blown off so quickly that he was dead before he hit the ground twitching.
Scotty pulled himself back behind the wall as the rest of the squad moved up.
粐ぎﾅ敵ood shooting Scotty.粐ぎﾂ A fellow marine shouted as he rushed past heading for the bodies. Scott pulled out his canteen and looking up at the blazing sun through his sunglasses, took a swig of the warm water as another Marine hit the wall and dropped down beside him. The Marine beside him was new, had just joined the squad the night before in fact, Scott had not found out his name yet. Jenkins handed the kid his canteen. The Marine, grateful, took several sips of water.
Jenkins reached into his cargo pocket and pulled out the faded piece of cotton with a single brass button attached.
粐ぎﾅ展hat the heck is that?粐ぎﾂ The kid asked. Scotty smiled and passed the sock to the kid.
粐ぎﾅ典his is Socko. He goes all the way back to WW2.粐ぎﾂ The kid turned the Sock puppet over and over in his hands.
粐ぎﾅ的t looks like an ordinary Sock puppet to me,粐ぎﾂ
粐ぎﾅ展ell, since the Sergeant isn粐ぎ冲 around I粐ぎ冤l tell you the story behind Socko here. During World War II a man was working as a Coastal Gunner at a place in England called the Firth of Forth. It was a port that was said to be impregnable. A German U-boat one night in 1940 managed to slip in and attack. The skipper in charge of that boat had to have a set of brass ones if you know what I mean. Anyway, the day after the attack the man was walking along the shore and this puppet washed up with a single hole in him right where that patch is. The man did not think much about it but could not find it in him to toss the puppet away. The war ended and he took it home with him. It wasn粐ぎ冲 long before his neighbor heard about the sock. The neighbor was heading off to America to make a better life for his family. The gunner gave the sock, which he claimed told him its name was Socko, to his neighbor.
The man moved to America and enlisted in the Marines. He was sent to Korea and brought Socko with him. They fought side by side at the Frozen Chosin. He said that no matter how bad things got he could just pull Socko out and he would feel better. When he got home he put the sock away until his son was heading off to Vietnam. The father gave his soldier son the sock puppet and told him to always keep it close to him.
The young soldier was captured and put into a Hanoi pit of heck. He had no illusions he was going to die. Before he did he passed the puppet, and the story, onto a buddy of his. That man was my grand father. He brought the sock back from Nam and gave it to my father when he was heading off to Grenada and later on Desert Storm. My father was killed on the last day of the conflict and Socko came home with his personal affects. When I was getting ready to go off to Afghanistan and Iraq my mother gave me the story and the puppet. He粐ぎ冱 been with me ever since.粐ぎﾂ
The kid looked down at the puppet in his hands and gives it back to Jenkins.
粐ぎﾅ撤retty good story huh?粐ぎﾂ Jenkins粐ぎ冱 asked.
粐ぎﾅ典hat粐ぎ冱 the dumbest story I粐ぎ况e ever heard and that puppet is just plain creepy. I粐ぎ况e got to get back to my Fire Team.粐ぎﾂ The kid stood up and caught a 7.76mm round through the chest just above his body armor. He crumpled to the ground choking on his own blood not far from Jenkins. Scotty lets out a yell and rolls over to the fallen Marine. On the other side of the wall he hears his fellow Marines closing on the Snipers nest. A burst of machine gun fire cuts through the hot desert air. Jenkins pulls the kids armor off.
粐ぎﾅ溺edic! I need a medic over here! Doc where are you!?粐ぎﾂ The kid looks up into the single brass button eye looking down at him and dies. 粐ぎﾅ鉄tay with me kid!粐ぎﾂ Scotty yells and begins doing CPR. Socko slips out of Jenkins粐ぎ冱 hand and lands in the sand.
An African American Sergeant with MURF and DON粐ぎ儺 SHOOT I粐ぎ儁 SHORT written across his body armor runs up and drops behind the wall. Sergeant Murphy looks down at the kid who stares back with a fixed thousand-yard stare as Jenkins continues to do CPR. Murphy blinks the sweat out of his eyes and pulls Scotty off of the kid.
粐ぎﾅ笛enkins he粐ぎ冱 gone. Leave him for the Marines coming up. We have to advance. Have you seen Lieutenant Trent?粐ぎﾂ
Scotty just stares back with blood drying on his hands. Murphy grabs him and slams his back against the low stonewall. Murphy pulls his face close to Scotty粐ぎ冱 and looks him right in the eye.
粐ぎﾅ鏑ook at me. Get your act together Marine, we have to move. Now have you seen the LT?粐ぎﾂ After a moment Scotty snaps out of it.
粐ぎﾅ哲o Sergeant.粐ぎﾂ Murphy glances around the side of the wall.
粐ぎﾅ鄭ll right get your stuff together and let粐ぎ冱 go find him.粐ぎﾂ Jenkins picks up his rifle. Murphy picks up Socko. 粐ぎﾅ添ou don粐ぎ冲 want to forget this Scotty.粐ぎﾂ Murphy says as he rubs the puppet once for luck before handing it over.
粐ぎﾅ典hanks Sarge.粐ぎﾂ
粐ぎﾅ哲o problem, you ready.粐ぎﾂ
粐ぎﾅ敵ood to go.粐ぎﾂ Scotty replies squaring his pack on his back. They go over the wall together. As the charge toward a set of buildings in the distance Socko hangs off the back of Jenkins粐ぎ冱 pack bouncing in the sun a small horrible smile on his little cotton mouth and an evil glint in his single brass button eye.
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Thanks to all who read the diary of Captain J. Smitlack. This is going to be the last Noob Patrol for a while I粐ぎ冦 afraid. I粐ぎ冦 going to take the Month of July and allow Smitlack, or his next of kin, to write his story based on his recently recovered war diary. I hope that everyone has enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I will occasionally post updates as they become available. Again thank you for allowing me to hopefully entertain you with the misadventures of our good Captain Smitlack. Socko seems to have taken on a life of his own粐ぎﾂｦ I guess it is true what they say an evil, self-possessed, egomaniacal piece of laundry doesn粐ぎ冲 die粐ぎﾂｦit merely fades in the wash.
Happy Hunting.
Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Captain J. Smitlack
Shore Leave
July 20 粐ぎ" August 27, 1940
Socko and I go drinking in Paris. We hit the Eiffel tower, and thank God no one saw us, in a drunken stupor behind the wheel of Donitz粐ぎ冱 staff car. Halfway through the leave we get a telegram that tells us that our operations have been transferred from Wilhelmshaven to Brest at the west end of the Brittany peninsula in France. After I get Socko to stop laughing, tell him that it is Brest not Breast and also tell him to grow up, we make arrangements to move U-1 there along with the crew and the Sock Puppets to the new port.
On August 17, 1940 ten days before we were to depart Hitler announced a blockade of the British Isles. Along with this announcement the fuehrer commissioned the Socks and a new boat and ordered them to participate in the blockade. I was sad and at the same time relieved to see them go. Socko and I stood along side the pier and watched them pull out.
粐ぎﾅ鉄ee ya out there you lily white gopher bum snuffers!粐ぎﾂ Socko shouted from the pier as they left.
August 28, 1940
The accommodations at Brest are fantastic. Socko tells me that my room has it粐ぎ冱 own bathroom with it粐ぎ冱 very own drinking fountain. A few days later I粐ぎ冦 told that the drinking fountain is actually a bidet. I tell Socko that anyone can make a mistake. He calls me an idiot.
U-1 has been fitted out for sea. She is carrying two T-I粐ぎ冱 (G7a) and three T-II粐ぎ冱 (G7e). The magnetic pistol problems have apparently been taken care of. Though I have heard from other Captain粐ぎ冱 that they still have a high failure rate in colder waters, but I have not had a problem so I粐ぎ冦 not going to worry about it.
We have been assigned to patrol Grid AN 52 on the other side of Britain. U-1 does not have the fuel to make a trip around Britain and even if she did we would still have to shoot the gap just south of Scapa Flow. No the only way we can reach our grid and still have fuel to patrol is to go right through the English Channel. Socko is literally foaming at his cotton puppet mouth to run the channel. I tell him that we must use caution. I am shocked into silence when Socko turns his single eye to me and agrees. He further surprises me when he tells me that I am the Captain of this Pecan Log and that he will follow me anywhere.
My prayers have been answered my First Officer is actually ready to serve as a First Officer. We climb on board together. I actually have to wipe a tear from my eye. Socko tells me to stop being such a pansy.
Our groupies seem to have followed us from Wilhelmshaven. They line up on the pier cheering.
粐ぎﾅ填1! U1! U1! SOCKO! SOCKO! SOCKO! SOCKO!
09:02 The crew toss off the bow and stern line. Engaging the electrics we motor out into the harbor. Once we are clear of the pier I order the Diesel engines engaged. The boat thrums from the power of the engines and we pull further from the pier. We turn and wave to our U-1 groupies on the pier.
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09:09 Paying too much attention to our groupies at the pier and not where we were going we collide with sea wall just outside of Brest incurring heavy damage.
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Socko breaks into a fit of laughter that is echoed by our groupies on the pier. I try to explain.
粐ぎﾅ鏑eaving Wilhelmshaven was always a straight shot out I thought this would be to!粐ぎﾂ This only brings more laughter from Socko. I also notice that a number of the crew have joined in.
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Over the laughter I order a damage crew to begin repairs.
20:46 Later that night all damages have been repaired and U-1 sets off with little fan fair. No one is around except for the morbidly curious who have decided to stick around and ridicule us from the Pier. I plot a course to our patrol grid once again. After which I head for my bunk and pull the curtain closed.
August 29, 1940
05:59 The watch spots an armed trawler and from my bunk I order the boat submerged.
10:29 U-1 surfaces and makes the turn east into the channel. Socko issues an Alarm and forces me to get out of bed. I rush to the bridge and find him there smiling. He points down on the deck and at first I am sure I must be seeing things. My deck chair, the green and white one, is sitting on the deck right where I always used to put it. I cannot believe it. Socko just shrugs.
粐ぎﾅ的 know how much inanimate objects mean to you sir.粐ぎﾂ Socko says before turning and retreating below.
At 1/3 Ahead and with little chop on the sea I head down to my favorite deck chair. I spend the rest of the morning letting the sun warm my skin. It has been too long.
I spend the next hour in the sun thinking about how much Socko has changed. I think back to when we first picked up the little lint ball with his brass button eye and that lovable scowl he always got when he told me what I could go and do with myself.
I shade my eyes from the bright sun as an old mariner粐ぎ冱 warning, that I first heard when I was just an ensign on my first patrol, echoes through my head.
粐ぎﾅ泥on粐ぎ冲 trust your Socks any farther than you can throw them. Because socks don粐ぎ冲 change粐ぎﾂｦthey just fade in the wash.粐ぎﾂ
It was spoken by my first Captain just before he was thrown in the Whispering Pines Hospital for the very very nervous but it occurred to me just as a shadow fell over me from behind. I heard the whisper of cotton in the salty air before I Socko wrapped himself around my neck. I am spun around and find what I knew would be there, Socko粐ぎ冱 brass button eye blazing in the sun. What I did not expect to see was the crew behind him. A MUTINY onboard U-1. Socko kicks my Deck Chair into the ocean and I scream as it floats along the side of the boat before being pulled under.
粐ぎﾅ典oss the decorative box making cake decorating panty waste in the Chart Locker,粐ぎﾂ Drips from the cottonmouth of my First Officer as I am hauled below and plunged into the darkness screaming.
~The Adventures of Socko, A lone Sock against the world.
Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Grand Admiral Socko self professed ruler of U-1 and all he surveys.
August 29, 1940
After dumping Smitlack in the chart locker I issue a standing order that every single time I set foot on the bridge half the watch is to commit suicide by jumping into the ocean as a show of loyalty to me. After which I jump on the bridge, off the bridge, and back on again causing 3/4粐ぎ冱 of the bridge crew to toss themselves into the abyss. I head back down below. Being a U-boat skipper is hard work. I want a hotdog.
13:13 The watch person, because the others are gone for some reason spots a V&W Destroyer and I order the boat submerged. We close in for a kill. The cook tells me that the angle is no good. I tell him he粐ぎ冱 been reading through his tears from the epic tale of Pansy written by Smitlack.
13:23 I order the launch of a single T-II at the V&W.
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13:24 The torp hits on the back quarter with a resounding explosion. I order the boat surfaced and for the fifteen minutes it takes her to sink we take turns heckling the survivors. We pull the U-boat up along side and as they attempt to climb aboard we pull away laughing. Some would call it cruel but I would call it粐ぎﾂｦ well cruel I guess but so what I粐ぎ冦 the captain.
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I go down below and have the crew toss old Smitty a bone to gnaw on while I have some lobster and steak before stretching out on his bunk for a nap.
August 30, 1940
During the night the winds picked up to 13 meters and a light fog rolls in under overcast skies. Smitlack probably would have been crying in his bunk, but I粐ぎ冦 a man粐ぎﾂｦer Sock粐ぎﾂｦ you get the picture. I order us forward on the surface daring the British to attack while I traverse across MY Channel.
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August 31, 1940
05:23 The single Watch Officer sights a V&W through the fog. Instead of engaging we submerge like a crew of wimps.
14:44 We escape from the V&W粐ぎﾂｦthat sounds too much like we were afraid粐ぎﾂｦ THE V&W flees before the very thought of me. We continue through the channel submerged.
19:43 The cook calls me a chicken, for running submerged for so long, just before I choke the life out of him. We surface the boat under overcast skies. I order U-1 ahead through the narrowest part of the channel. I pitch the dead cook overboard.
粐ぎﾅ展ho粐ぎ冱 Chicken?! ALL I SEE IS FISH FOOD!粐ぎﾂ I shout at his corpse before it slips below the surface.
September 1, 1940
In the early morning hours we have to dive to avoid being run over by several destroyers. We play cat and mouse with them for a while before we let them go.
18:49 We surface the boat into heavy rains and heavier fog. To prove to the crew what I粐ぎ冦 made of I jump overboard and swim ahead of the boat and take this picture.
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I swim back to the boat and lift the ban on Music from the future as I set the gramophone up against the Chart box. I order the Radio Operator to play TNT by AC/DC for the next twenty-four hours.
September 2, 1940
We pass through the channel. I can tell the crew is in a good mood, a better mood than they were under that cry baby Smitlack at least, so I order the Radio Operator to play another 24 hours of nothing but TNT. Halfway through the night I think we hear screaming from the chart locker. I order the radioman to crank it up. We continue plowing through the water toward our patrol grid with 粐ぎﾅ典NT! OY! OY! OY! TNT!粐ぎﾂ repeating over and over again at full volume. I could really go for some bratwurst right about now.
September 3, 1940
07:02 The rain lifts but the sky is still overcast and the sea is still rolling. We hold a competition on the deck to see who can eat the most Sauerkraut before throwing up. It turns out to be machinist mate Horst. I shoot him out of a torpedo tube and the crew comes around to naming me IRON SOCK STOMACH OF U-1 1940.
16:48 we arrive at AN 52 and begin our patrol
September 4, 1940
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05:23 Just before dawn we pass a flaming Elco. I smile and wave as we pass by. I order the crew to the flak gun but before they can get the gun trained on her the torpedo boat slips below the surface. I rant and rave for several hours.
粐ぎﾅ典his happens every time. I really wanted to light those flamers up!粐ぎﾂ The crew tells me that I am being un-PC whatever that means. I go off looking for a dictionary but not being able to find one I set in the galley and down a half can of lard.
16:58 Our Patrol complete I order a course change to the west. The Chief asks me where we are going. I tell him Firth of Forth. He turns white. The Assistant Cook overhears us.
粐ぎﾅ典his is madness!粐ぎﾂ He screams. 粐ぎﾅ典he Forth is an impregnable port with coastal guns, it is narrow, shallow and there are warships as well. We will surely be killed.粐ぎﾂ
粐ぎﾅ的mpregnable huh?粐ぎﾂ I ask as a cruel scowl forms on my cotton lips. I run a hunk of pipe through his chest. 粐ぎﾅ添ou粐ぎ决e not impregnable and neither is that port! Forward you short Muppet moochers!粐ぎﾂ I scream.
粐ぎﾅ添ou know Grand Admiral, if you keep offing the crew like this粐ぎﾂｦ you won粐ぎ冲 have any crew left.粐ぎﾂ The chief says. I agree with him粐ぎﾂｦ after I crush him under the deck plates.
I bang on top of the chart box. 粐ぎﾅ添ou hear that Smitty we粐ぎ决e going to the Forth.
We continue on towards the Firth of Forth.
September 5, 1940
10:36 The Watch Officer spots an enemy based coastal gun on land and I order the boat to submerge.
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I suspect that he was making it up but I粐ぎ冦 too lazy to pull myself to the bridge to find out. I guess I粐ぎ冤l believe him for now. As I dog the hatch shut I think to myself that this may be the last daylight we see for a while.
17:25 We arrive at Firth of Forth and the hydrophone operator reports a contact moving back and forth in front of us. Through the periscope I identify the contact a single Black Swan Frigate.
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I order slow ahead and pop the periscope up every two minutes to see what the frigate is doing.
17:35 The Swan makes the mistake of turning her broadside towards us. I let one eel swim. The first torp detonates prematurely. I order the Engineer to pull Smitty out of the Chart Box and beat him senseless. The Engineer opens the box but ole粐ぎ Smitty isn粐ぎ冲 in there.
粐ぎﾅ溺aybe he dried up and blew away.粐ぎﾂ I ruminate aloud. I do not have time to think about such matters now however.
I order a salvo on the other two tubes. As soon as they swim I order the bow crew to reload our last torpedo.
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The salvo slams into the side of the swan and she breaks up quickly slipping to the bottom.
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I order the remaining crew, both of them, to tear the boat apart until they find Smitty.
I hunch over the chart and order the engine room Flank Ahead. We are going to the Firth of Forth if it kills every man aboard U-1.
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17:55 U-1 arrives at the port Firth of Forth as the sun begins to set behind it.
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We proceed in closer. Using the periscope I find a small tanker anchored at the pier and line up to take my shot.
18:25 I order our final torpedo out of her tube and speed her on towards the tanker lying at anchor. I was a poet and I didn粐ぎ冲 even know it. Just as I粐ぎ冦 jotting that in my journal and thinking about how much I粐ぎ况e turned out to be like ole粐ぎ Smitty he pops up out the bilge smelling like the inside of a yak.
~A lone U-Boat Captain fighting a battle of wits in the Atlantic粐ぎﾂｦcompletely unarmed
Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Captain J. Smitlack
September 5, 1940
In the crews excitement over the attack on the Black Swan Frigate I manage to slip out of the chart box and into the bilge. Out of the cat粐ぎ冱 bottom and into the litter box as my old college roommate used to say.
I manage to position myself under Socko and after he fires another torpedo I push up the deck plate and confront him. He is scribbling in his journal and looks up. I see surprise register in his eye before his face goes stone cold.
粐ぎﾅ添ou smell like the inside of a yak. Do you know that?粐ぎﾂ He says.
粐ぎﾅ添eeeeeet!粐ぎﾂ I say as I cross the two steps to him and wrap my hand around his throat. He tries to break out of it but I slam him into the periscope. My Lugar drops from my holster and bounces across the deck plates. We both dive for it at the same time and reach it at the same time. It is a battle of wills, a battle for the lives of the crew, a battle for the very soul of U-1.
BANG
The Lugar fires. I look at Socko and he looks at me as the smoke curls up from the single black hole just above his knight粐ぎ冱 cross.
We hear the explosion from the doomed tanker.
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Socko slumps to the deck plate mortally wounded as I rush to his side. He smiles up at me.
粐ぎﾅ的 got her.粐ぎﾂ He says coughing out a small spool of white cotton thread.
粐ぎﾅ添eah you got her,粐ぎﾂ I tell him cradling him in my arms. He looks up at me.
粐ぎﾅ的 never did like you Smitty. And oh yeah I slept with your wife. I hid in the laundry hamper when you got home the insurance salesman was really there to update your policy. He just made the mistake of forgetting his pants that day.粐ぎﾂ He coughs once more and is gone.
I order us to surface and toss Socko overboard. I bandage the hole in my left hand but not the hole in my heart. We dive and I order us to the east. We are leaving this place粐ぎﾂｦ this place of death.
We arrive back at Brest. As we tie up to the pier the cheers of our groupies no longer hold any meaning for me. I report into Donitz and am awarded the swords for my knights cross. Medals no longer hold any excitement for me either. I have seen too much death.
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I put in for a desk job and Donitz grants my request..
September 27, 1940
Hitler has signed the Tripartite (Axis) Pact with Italy and Japan. I think I would very much like to live in Japan. Perhaps take a job as an emissary between Germany and Japan. I being looking into it and am pleased when I am promoted to Naval Attachﾃｩ of Germany in Japan. I am based in a city called Hiroshima.
On the day I am to depart I stare out at the sea and think of my dear friend Socko that adulterous mean little bit of fluff that was the best First Officer I ever had. That said I am glad he is gone and yet at the same time saddened. On the horizon where the ocean meets the sky I see a glint of sunlight off the water like a single diamond on a deep blue cloth. A lot like a single brass button eye. As the sea breeze rushes in with the waves I swear I hear his laughter ever so softly. I strain my ears but it is gone. As I turn away from the water a couple of thoughts occur to me. I miss him so much粐ぎﾂｦbut I miss my deck chair more.
April 8, 2003
Inside Baghdad
The sun baked the loose sand without mercy as the US troops pushed forward further into the war torn city of Baghdad. Lance Corporal Scott Jenkins broke from cover and on the run fired three round bursts from his M16 at the enemy position. He dropped down behind a small brick wall to reload the smell of cordite heavy in the air. An Ak-47 kicked in the distance and the rounds hit on the other side of the wall.
Jenkins hit the magazine release on his M16. He thumped the fresh magazine against the side of his helmet to seat the rounds before he jammed it into the receiver of his weapon. Scotty, as he was known by the others in his Marine Fire Team, pulled back on the charging handle and released it jacking a 5.56mm round into the chamber. Being careful not to expose himself over the top of the wall he slid down to the end, leaned out and fired several well aimed bursts at the two soldiers he saw. The rounds arched into the enemy position tearing through it. One burst caught a young private in the chest and he slumped back against the stone column he had been standing in front of. The other soldier had his head blown off so quickly that he was dead before he hit the ground twitching.
Scotty pulled himself back behind the wall as the rest of the squad moved up.
粐ぎﾅ敵ood shooting Scotty.粐ぎﾂ A fellow marine shouted as he rushed past heading for the bodies. Scott pulled out his canteen and looking up at the blazing sun through his sunglasses, took a swig of the warm water as another Marine hit the wall and dropped down beside him. The Marine beside him was new, had just joined the squad the night before in fact, Scott had not found out his name yet. Jenkins handed the kid his canteen. The Marine, grateful, took several sips of water.
Jenkins reached into his cargo pocket and pulled out the faded piece of cotton with a single brass button attached.
粐ぎﾅ展hat the heck is that?粐ぎﾂ The kid asked. Scotty smiled and passed the sock to the kid.
粐ぎﾅ典his is Socko. He goes all the way back to WW2.粐ぎﾂ The kid turned the Sock puppet over and over in his hands.
粐ぎﾅ的t looks like an ordinary Sock puppet to me,粐ぎﾂ
粐ぎﾅ展ell, since the Sergeant isn粐ぎ冲 around I粐ぎ冤l tell you the story behind Socko here. During World War II a man was working as a Coastal Gunner at a place in England called the Firth of Forth. It was a port that was said to be impregnable. A German U-boat one night in 1940 managed to slip in and attack. The skipper in charge of that boat had to have a set of brass ones if you know what I mean. Anyway, the day after the attack the man was walking along the shore and this puppet washed up with a single hole in him right where that patch is. The man did not think much about it but could not find it in him to toss the puppet away. The war ended and he took it home with him. It wasn粐ぎ冲 long before his neighbor heard about the sock. The neighbor was heading off to America to make a better life for his family. The gunner gave the sock, which he claimed told him its name was Socko, to his neighbor.
The man moved to America and enlisted in the Marines. He was sent to Korea and brought Socko with him. They fought side by side at the Frozen Chosin. He said that no matter how bad things got he could just pull Socko out and he would feel better. When he got home he put the sock away until his son was heading off to Vietnam. The father gave his soldier son the sock puppet and told him to always keep it close to him.
The young soldier was captured and put into a Hanoi pit of heck. He had no illusions he was going to die. Before he did he passed the puppet, and the story, onto a buddy of his. That man was my grand father. He brought the sock back from Nam and gave it to my father when he was heading off to Grenada and later on Desert Storm. My father was killed on the last day of the conflict and Socko came home with his personal affects. When I was getting ready to go off to Afghanistan and Iraq my mother gave me the story and the puppet. He粐ぎ冱 been with me ever since.粐ぎﾂ
The kid looked down at the puppet in his hands and gives it back to Jenkins.
粐ぎﾅ撤retty good story huh?粐ぎﾂ Jenkins粐ぎ冱 asked.
粐ぎﾅ典hat粐ぎ冱 the dumbest story I粐ぎ况e ever heard and that puppet is just plain creepy. I粐ぎ况e got to get back to my Fire Team.粐ぎﾂ The kid stood up and caught a 7.76mm round through the chest just above his body armor. He crumpled to the ground choking on his own blood not far from Jenkins. Scotty lets out a yell and rolls over to the fallen Marine. On the other side of the wall he hears his fellow Marines closing on the Snipers nest. A burst of machine gun fire cuts through the hot desert air. Jenkins pulls the kids armor off.
粐ぎﾅ溺edic! I need a medic over here! Doc where are you!?粐ぎﾂ The kid looks up into the single brass button eye looking down at him and dies. 粐ぎﾅ鉄tay with me kid!粐ぎﾂ Scotty yells and begins doing CPR. Socko slips out of Jenkins粐ぎ冱 hand and lands in the sand.
An African American Sergeant with MURF and DON粐ぎ儺 SHOOT I粐ぎ儁 SHORT written across his body armor runs up and drops behind the wall. Sergeant Murphy looks down at the kid who stares back with a fixed thousand-yard stare as Jenkins continues to do CPR. Murphy blinks the sweat out of his eyes and pulls Scotty off of the kid.
粐ぎﾅ笛enkins he粐ぎ冱 gone. Leave him for the Marines coming up. We have to advance. Have you seen Lieutenant Trent?粐ぎﾂ
Scotty just stares back with blood drying on his hands. Murphy grabs him and slams his back against the low stonewall. Murphy pulls his face close to Scotty粐ぎ冱 and looks him right in the eye.
粐ぎﾅ鏑ook at me. Get your act together Marine, we have to move. Now have you seen the LT?粐ぎﾂ After a moment Scotty snaps out of it.
粐ぎﾅ哲o Sergeant.粐ぎﾂ Murphy glances around the side of the wall.
粐ぎﾅ鄭ll right get your stuff together and let粐ぎ冱 go find him.粐ぎﾂ Jenkins picks up his rifle. Murphy picks up Socko. 粐ぎﾅ添ou don粐ぎ冲 want to forget this Scotty.粐ぎﾂ Murphy says as he rubs the puppet once for luck before handing it over.
粐ぎﾅ典hanks Sarge.粐ぎﾂ
粐ぎﾅ哲o problem, you ready.粐ぎﾂ
粐ぎﾅ敵ood to go.粐ぎﾂ Scotty replies squaring his pack on his back. They go over the wall together. As the charge toward a set of buildings in the distance Socko hangs off the back of Jenkins粐ぎ冱 pack bouncing in the sun a small horrible smile on his little cotton mouth and an evil glint in his single brass button eye.
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Thanks to all who read the diary of Captain J. Smitlack. This is going to be the last Noob Patrol for a while I粐ぎ冦 afraid. I粐ぎ冦 going to take the Month of July and allow Smitlack, or his next of kin, to write his story based on his recently recovered war diary. I hope that everyone has enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I will occasionally post updates as they become available. Again thank you for allowing me to hopefully entertain you with the misadventures of our good Captain Smitlack. Socko seems to have taken on a life of his own粐ぎﾂｦ I guess it is true what they say an evil, self-possessed, egomaniacal piece of laundry doesn粐ぎ冲 die粐ぎﾂｦit merely fades in the wash.
Happy Hunting.