The Joke Thread [Archive] - Ubisoft Forums

kllr-teddy

02-12-2005, 05:02 PM

Post your jokes here.

here are a few....

Designated drunkard

Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.

A Roomful of Rednecks

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.

f16cxv

02-12-2005, 05:07 PM

hmmm, this guy, walks into a bar, and then screams "OW GOSH DARNIT I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE"...

Ninj3r

02-12-2005, 05:12 PM

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" . So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, whats your first wish?" . The woman stops and thinks for a second , "I want a huge mansion to live in." goblin replies "OK, you've got it." Woman again thinks its over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if thats what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says teh man, "how old are you?" "Im 27", she replies

"Jesus", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

SoulFire382

02-12-2005, 05:29 PM

lmao!

Here's one:

3 Men are standing at the edge of a cliff. They're about to die, and god has granted them each one wish. They would speak what they desired, and would jump off the cliff into whatever they wanted.

The first man, a European, says "A trillion bucks." He ran, and leapt off the cliff, landing in a pile of bills.

The second man, an asian, says "A buncha hot chicks." Too bad god took it literally, because he was scalded and pecked to death.

The third man, an american, happened to stub his toe on his way to the edge of the cliff. He yelled "CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP!!!", and fell off of the cliff.

He landed in a very big pile of cr*p.

XyZspineZyX

02-12-2005, 05:45 PM

A baby seal walks into a club...

BliNd-

02-12-2005, 06:12 PM

I used to be a Hot Tar Roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.

^ You gotta love Mitch Hedberg.

NSAagent

02-12-2005, 06:28 PM

i can't think of one atm, but this is funny:

http://www.netaxs.com/~mhmyers/cdjpgs/parrot.jpg

parrots are teh funny

kllr-teddy

02-12-2005, 06:42 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Ninj3r:
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" . So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, whats your first wish?" . The woman stops and thinks for a second , "I want a huge mansion to live in." goblin replies "OK, you've got it." Woman again thinks its over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if thats what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says teh man, "how old are you?" "Im 27", she replies

"Jesus", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/negative18.jpg

I dont find that funny at all.

Ninj3r

02-12-2005, 06:48 PM

Yeah yours was really funny, I still need someone to slap me in the face to see if I didn't die laughing http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by NSAagent:
i can't think of one atm, but this is funny:

http://www.netaxs.com/~mhmyers/cdjpgs/parrot.jpg

parrots are teh funny <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Lmao! Classic http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

devil2demon

02-12-2005, 07:17 PM

In what way..??..

kllr-teddy

02-12-2005, 07:17 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Ninj3r:
Yeah yours was really funny, I still need someone to slap me in the face to see if I didn't die laughing http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by NSAagent:
i can't think of one atm, but this is funny:

http://www.netaxs.com/~mhmyers/cdjpgs/parrot.jpg

parrots are teh funny <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Lmao! Classic http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Dont give me that tone mister.

And dont suck up to nsa either.

Ninj3r

02-12-2005, 07:21 PM

Wasn't, Was just stating my opinion http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

NSA's sarcastic post was funny hence the lmao - Nothing to do with sucking up. Laters

kllr-teddy

02-12-2005, 07:23 PM

yeah but the parrot actually has a meaning.

Ninj3r

02-12-2005, 07:27 PM

Even I know that http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Furious_Gopher

02-12-2005, 10:57 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Ninj3r:
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" . So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, whats your first wish?" . The woman stops and thinks for a second , "I want a huge mansion to live in." goblin replies "OK, you've got it." Woman again thinks its over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if thats what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says teh man, "how old are you?" "Im 27", she replies

"Jesus", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I want my 45 seconds back http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

Ninj3r

02-13-2005, 06:53 AM

You are obviously teaming up on me with killr-teddy but guess what ... I couldn't care less.

Soulfire, A member who contributes to the forums with good posts - Liked the joke.. So I'll go with his opinion and you can shove your comments up where the sun don't shine http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Laters

And a sense of humor won't harm you mate, honestly ... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

kllr-teddy

02-13-2005, 08:08 AM

Oh ok.

What do you call a suck-up to mods?

Ninj3r.

Ninj3r

02-13-2005, 08:21 AM

Where do I suck up to mods? The sarcastic post by NSA was funny ..

That's again where you prove the lack in sense of humor..

Seriously, if you got something against me - pm me .. I'm here on these forums to help out newer people (read my recent posts) and basically have fun discussing things with people.. Not to argue with people like... you http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

scworld

02-13-2005, 08:26 AM

Someone please quote the joke from Finding Nemo.
About a sea cucumber... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

pinkcar36

02-13-2005, 08:43 AM

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Furious_Gopher

02-13-2005, 10:44 AM

Nice one Pink!

This is claimed to be the worlds Funniest Joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Axeman52.5

02-13-2005, 12:10 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally inside-joked by NSAagent:
i can't think of one atm, but this is funny:

http://www.netaxs.com/~mhmyers/cdjpgs/parrot.jpg

parrots are teh funny <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
It's funny because only a few understand it.
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I'll bet he was http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

NapalmFrog

02-13-2005, 12:23 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Furious_Gopher:
Nice one Pink!

This is claimed to be the worlds Funniest Joke:

_Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" _ <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

that is sooo hilarious in a way it shouldn't be

kllr-teddy

02-13-2005, 03:15 PM

thats because gopher is THE FORUM GOD

NINJ3R.....

f16cxv

02-13-2005, 03:29 PM

HAHAHA thats good...First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"...LOL...

DanielHac

02-13-2005, 04:37 PM

Ever hear the one about the rubber band that did a stretch in prizon?

kkalviainen

02-14-2005, 03:55 AM

Hahahahahahaha, that picture is pretty funny sam just noding and sadonos eye brow...funny stuff, all of the stuff is good

C.A.T.ops

02-14-2005, 07:12 AM

I love Teddy.

... Not the guy, "Stuffy" my bear. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

So thereââ‚¬™s this clown fish... Hmmm, I think thatââ‚¬™s how it starts... Yea, so the clown fish walks up to the... well he doesnââ‚¬™t really walk, because fish donââ‚¬™t walk they swim. So he swims up to the sea cucumber and says... err... uh... NEMO!?

scworld

02-14-2005, 07:17 AM

That's what I call Hi-larious http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
uhhh yeah http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

H8Ball (PC Engineer)

02-14-2005, 03:59 PM

A reporter submitting an article on a fire at a soap factory had his latent dyslexia exposed when the proofreader rejected the following sentence...

"Unfortunately, the fire crew were forced to withdraw when the roof fell in with a series of thickening suds."

Gangxta123

02-14-2005, 09:14 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by C.A.T.ops:
I love Teddy.

... Not the guy, "Stuffy" my bear. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

So thereââ‚¬™s this clown fish... Hmmm, I think thatââ‚¬™s how it starts... Yea, so the clown fish walks up to the... well he doesnââ‚¬™t really walk, because fish donââ‚¬™t walk they swim. So he swims up to the sea cucumber and says... err... uh... NEMO!? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
inspired me to watch movie again just cuz of that part

Omega_224

02-15-2005, 10:03 AM

Okay, here's mine:

There once was fat Indian chief. He could not fart. So he went to the doctor and said "Big Chief no fart." The doctor said "Okay, go home and eat one pound of beans." So he did. The next day, the Indian Chief came back. "Big Chief no fart." The doctor said "Okay, go home and eat another pound of beans." So he did. The next day, the Chief came back. "Big Chief no fart." So the doctor said "Go home, and eat TEN pounds of beans" So he did. The next day the Cheif came back and said "Big Fart no Chief."

SoulFire382

02-15-2005, 12:42 PM

....Wha?

Here's one:

3 Men are standing at the edge of a cliff. There's a European, an Aisian, and an American. They are about to die, so God says they can have one last request. They would have to say what they wanted, and they would land in a pile of it.

The European was first. He said: "A billion euros," and jumped off the cliff. He landed in a pile of euro bills.

The Asian was next. He said: "Pile of hot cheeks I land in!" And jumped off the cliff. He mispronounced it, so he landed in a steaming pile of literal cheeks.

The American was last. When he walked to the edge of the cliff, he stubbed his toe on a rock. He screamed "CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
He hopped around the cliff edge, holding his foot and yelling. In his frenzy, he happened to trip and fall off of the cliff.

Guess what he landed in?

Omega_224

02-15-2005, 01:37 PM

Krap? This one was posted earlier.

And if you didn't get mine, read more carefully.

Ninj3r

02-15-2005, 01:39 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Omega_224:
Okay, here's mine:

There once was fat Indian chief. He could not fart. So he went to the doctor and said "Big Chief no fart." The doctor said "Okay, go home and eat one pound of beans." So he did. The next day, the Indian Chief came back. "Big Chief no fart." The doctor said "Okay, go home and eat another pound of beans." So he did. The next day, the Chief came back. "Big Chief no fart." So the doctor said "Go home, and eat TEN pounds of beans" So he did. The next day the Cheif came back and said "Big Fart no Chief." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
ROFLMAO!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Rbdb1R

02-15-2005, 02:07 PM

why does mexico have a bad olympic team?

because all the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U.S.

Omega_224

02-15-2005, 02:14 PM

HAHA! ROFL!

The sad thing is...it's true. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

pinkcar36

02-18-2005, 11:07 AM

SCARE ME?
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

SoulFire382

02-18-2005, 11:25 AM

Rofl!!!

dmb1435

02-19-2005, 05:51 PM

so 3 gay guys lost their lovers and they all get creamated.
The first says "matthew loved boat rides so i'm gonna spread the ashes off a boat"
the second says "Richard loved camping, so I'm gonna spread the ashes through the woods"
the third says "Well i'm gonna put my billy in a pot of chili so he can rip through my *** one more time"
_____________________________________________

A pirate has a steering wheel on his crotch

another pirate says "doesn't that bother you?"

"Y'arr, it drives me nuts"

________________________________________

want more? or shall i stop

scworld

02-24-2005, 08:02 AM

LOL. Dont know if the Mods appreciate it, but I think it's tha funneh.

Omega_224

02-25-2005, 07:47 PM

Another one:

There once was a girl driving on the country road. She was wearing a cap so you couldn't see her hair. While she was driving, she met a sheperd and stopped.

Girl: That's a cute dog.
Sheperd: Thanks. Hey, if I guess your hair color can I have five bucks?
Girl: Sure, go ahead and guess.
Sheperd: Is your hair blonde?
Girl: Yes! Yes, it is. How did you know?
Sheperd: You know that cute dog? It's a goat.

Desert Hawk

02-25-2005, 08:07 PM

An intelligent blonde, an intelligent brunette and santa claus are standing in a lift. Who presses the button? The intelligent brunette because the other two dont exist.

--

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Omega_224

02-25-2005, 08:12 PM

The first one was okay, but I failed to see the humor of the second one. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

Desert Hawk

02-25-2005, 08:23 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Omega_224:
The first one was okay, but I failed to see the humor of the second one. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You're either a lawyer or you never hired one. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif