Thunderpants BGE 2 story (WARNING: contains content)

[Thunderpants1]

Now Im sure you all have been wondering about what my view for BG&E 2 is. I even started a half-hearted effort to make a story of my own. I didnt like it, however, so I am going to restart, with the same charicters, and introduce some new ones. So here it goes! But before I start I must warn you, the following is a harrowing tale of adventure and those with weak hearts, constitutions, or overactive bowels are not reccomended to read this story, as conditions may be aggrivated.


The story starts back on the moon. The big four armed statue man servant has put Jade down and the overall feeling of revelry has died off. Now Jade must solve a whole new problem before her life can return to normal...

"How exactly are we going to get out of here?" asked Jade. Considering the Beluga was busted, niether Jade nor Double H knew how they would leave; the rest of the Hyllians had already left to go to the crazy rave going on back in canal City. Pey'j was quick to provide an answer, though. "No problem! Well use the EPS! The Belugas Emergency Propulsion System! Everyone to the ship!" he shouted. They made their way to the ship and all boarded. Pey'j said " I designed this just for this sort of situation! All I have to do is strap myself into this chair, connect my pressurized methane storage to the system, and-" at which point the ship roared to life. "Witness the magic of Chilli Con Carne!" Pey'j yelled as they sailed into port at the bombed out lighthouse.


Some time later...


Some time later, Pey'j was standing in the rubble, looking out at the sunset, when a horrible green growth appeared on his arm that looked like it was from a DomZ monster. Peyj calmly went down a level and presented it to Jade. "I believe I have a rash," he stated. "Yuck! we'll have to get that looked at," said Jade. They went immiedeatley to the offices of the esteemed Doctor Poopinfartin. "I believe you have a rash," said the good doctor. "Wow! Hes good," said Double H, who had been in to have some sort of ectomy for unknown reasons at this time. "We will have to take you in to surgery to have it removed," said the esteemed Doctor Poopinfartin. "But I dont have any medical insurance!" lamented Peyj. The esteemed Doctor Poopinfartin was mortified. "My God! Your condition is worse than we thought! Nurse! Prepare the 'Doesnt Have Insurance' suite, stat!" yelled the doctor. The nurse immiedeatley began to clean the bathroom. Jade was frightened. She didnt know what Peyjs lack of insurance had to do with his condition, but she felt she needed to help. "Is there anything I can do?" she asked. the good doctor replied "If he doesnt have a lot of money by noon tomarrow, it may be too late!" Jade then knew that she had to earn a lot of money by noon tomarrow or it would be too late. She then wondered where she would get all that money.


Outside the Hospital, chaos (http://web.tampabay.rr.com/lnsemsf/English/english.html) had descended upon the city. But that didnt worry Jade, as chaos usually descends upon Canal City just before 3 PM. I could offer you an explination, but that would make it make sense, and I dont want that to happen. Amidst the daily chaos, Jade goes off looking for money. This is where the player first controls Jade.
Jade has to fight off the random hooligans with her big stick, and they drop money when they are subdued. She gathers some money that way, but its not a lot of money, which she needs. After the chaos tappers off, She reads a sign advertizing a skateboarding competition. The grand prize was a whole lot of money, which was a whole lot more than a lot of money. "Hmmmm, sounds like my best bet" she said. "Right! now, what were we talking about?" says someone nearby. "I wasnt talking to you," explained Jade to the man. "Okeay, Ill just get back to what I was already doing," He said, and he started to spin around in circles. "Okkkeaaayyy..." said Jade, and she went off to the skateboarding competition. The skateboarding mechanic which will be used several times later in the game is first implemented, with a Tony Hawk style of control. Jade wins first prize at the comp, about 10000 units, or a whole lot of money, and another charicter is introduced. A tall, dark skinned, black haired, broad shouldered individual that goes by the name of 'Desi,' but his friends call him 'Thunderpants.' Yes, I just shamelessly implemented myself into the story with a different real name. Get over it. Thunderpants (thats me) says "Dang! Youre pretty good!" Jade (who is not me) replied "Yeah, thanks! Gotta go!" And she rushed off to the hospital, thinking she would never see the really quite handsome individual again. Later on we will prove her wrong. But anyway, she makes it to the hospital, and finds Peyj with his haunch hoisted into the air and several needles poked into his left cheek. The esteemed Doctor Poopinfartin and his colleague, the esteemed Doctor Bustanut both inquire "Do you have a lot of money?" to which Jade replied "Yes! now please do something!" The doctors then sprang into action, and removed the growth with a spatula. Jade was in disbelief. "THATS all you needed to do?" she asked, quite vexed. "Yes, but we need money" the esteemed Doctor Poopinfartin explained. After they left the hospital, Peyj discovered something on his arm: A little red button and a projector. "Ewwww!" Jade said. Pey'j pushed the button and a stellar map was holoprojected out of his arm.


A map?! In his arm?! What is it there for? Who put it there? Why is there daily chaos at 3 in the afternoon?
To be continued...

[Jerichowilks]

Thunderpants... I have five letters for you...



LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/cry.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

[Thiendrah]

Are you triing to make this not make any sence or is this natural?

[Thunderpants1]

Youre not the sharpest spoon in the electrical socket, are you? http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Its just for laughs.

[Thiendrah]

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Lynx-0-]

Ahh, what would a thunderpants post be without a link to some obsurd, crazy webpage? I don't know, it would never happen http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

So pey'j had the ability to launch the beluga all along, eh? One problem with that, if they could launch anytime, then we wouldn't still have n00bs posting here about how to get off selene...

[Shanui]

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif If you update it, do it soon. ^_^

[Thunderpants1]

I was actually planning on letting the power of the story being told linger in your minds. I mean, have you ever read some thing so powerful and heart wrenching?

[Jerichowilks]

I think I have..no..I know. I did!

C'mon? Doesn't anybody have Spaceballs Toilet Paper? If you want to read and poop at the same time, definitly get some Spaceballs Toilet Paper.\

DANCE!

[Shanui]

Originally posted by Jerichowilks:
C'mon? Doesn't anybody have Spaceballs Toilet Paper? If you want to read and poop at the same time, definitly get some Spaceballs Toilet Paper.\

DANCE!


...o_O

[Thiendrah]

Originally posted by Jerichowilks:
I think I have..no..I know. I did!

C'mon? Doesn't anybody have Spaceballs Toilet Paper? If you want to read and poop at the same time, definitly get some Spaceballs Toilet Paper.\

DANCE!


I'm walking away now, bye-bye.

[Thunderpants1]

Or, if you have overactive bowels, just read my story and poop your pants.

[Lynx-0-]

I don't have spaceballs the toilet paper, but rather, I do have spaceballs the flamethrower - we all know that the kids love it!

[Thunderpants1]

That was the best piece of merchandice that Yogurt had, wasnt it? All I can say is that I hate it when our Shwartz get tangled.

[Lynx-0-]

It was the best that Yogurt had, but man, Dark Helmet's doll's were sweet!

[Jerichowilks]

You know what? I need Barf. That's right. Somebody give me Barf. That was a man's best friend back in those days.

Anybody here Druish? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

[Thunderpants1]

Well, It seems as though you are all waiting with extreme anticipation for the new Harry Potter book. Since I dont care, Im going to make you read this cr@p instead.

After the Hospital...

After the hospital discharged Peyj, Peyj and Jade noticed something strange where the rash used to be. A stellar map was cybernettically emplaced there, activated by a red button near his wrist. Rather than face the hospitals staff again, they made their way to the Akuda Bar. "Maybe IRIS knows what this is," said Jade. "I hope so. Id hate to go to that lousy hospital, with its incompitent staff again," grumbled Peyj. They made their way into the IRIS command post, and were greeted by Double H. "Miss Jade, Chief, welcome... what is that on your arm?!" Double H exclaimed. "Its why were here. It appears to be some sort of stellar map," said Jade. They went over to Hahn and displayed it to him. "That is pretty disgusting," Hahn said. "Its, like, IN YOUR ARM!" he continued. "Well, figure out what is on it, for cryin' out loud!" Peyj barked. Hahn had Nino get right on it after some cringing. After some time, a translated version of the map was in Peyjs arm. "This map seems to be a fragmentory piece of a map that leads straight to the DomZ homeworld! If you can complete the map, we may have a chance to strike back at the DomZ, and end the war once and for all!" Hahn exclaimed. Another voice chimed in: "But as he said, its only fragmentory. It seems the other maps are on other planets. Well have to find them if we hope for this offensive Hahn just cooked up in his head to succeed," said a fair skinned, black haired, blue eyed, six foot tall individual, looking about Jades age. "Ah, Jade. Allow me to introduce you to Graven. We here simply call him 'G.' G is going to be part of your team for finding the stellar map fragments," Hahn said. Behind him, of course, was a strikingly handsome young man that was known as 'Thunderpants,' or simply 'Thunder' or 'Pants.' Pants, who is remarkably handsome, said "Who are ya forgettin'? Cant go anywhere without somebody to be the dashing knight in shining armor who always gets laid at the end of every story." Hahn said "Thats why we got G!" to which Pants replied "Oh come on! If we wanted a complete moron to fill that role we would have had you do it!" Hahn said "Jade, meet Pants. He is the second new addition to your team. his primary responsibility will be combat operations, because we know that these maps wont be given up so easily. All right! Everyone gather round the holoprojector. Now, the map we have leads to the planet of Arjuun, ruled by the tyrannical Emperor Slaughter von Strangle. Youre going to have to dig around a bit under his nose to find the map. Dont worry, though, we have several cells there working with the local underground movements to ensure that youre stay there is as safe as possible. You get to Arjuun, you find the map, and you report in with what you found. Any questions?" Jade asked, "How are we supposed to get there? The Beluga is still under repair, and even if she was in full operating order, she wouldnt be able to carry us all." Hahn replied "Pants has organized the transportation situation. We will have a shuttle ready by tomarrow. any other questions? No? good! carry on,"


The next day, around 2:50, everyone was in a secret launch facility. "Everyone here? All right! Lets get out of here before the soccer hooligans come out to cheer." Said the strikingly handsome Pants. There! I said it! Every day at 3 there is a soccer scrimmage in Canal City! Happy now? Anyway, Jade asked "Isnt this thing a little conspicuous?" to which G replied "Nah, no one will see us." Then the 100 foot long shuttle roared up and out of the chute right in the middle of the city, sending the hooligans running scared. "Oh, they showed up a bit early today!" said Pants. "Hope I didnt burn any balls!" he said.


What awaits them on Arjuun? Why was this segment so much less silly than the last one?
These and more questions may or may not be answered in the next chapter. Stay tuned!

[Lynx-0-]

"Hope I didnt burn any balls!" he said.

hahahaha thats good stuff.

it'll only get better if you do one this: put me in it!

[Shanui]

Originally posted by Lynx-0-:
it'll only get better if you do one this: put me in it!

Don't forget Han Solo. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Thunderpants1]

I warned them to protect their balls, but they just wouldnt listen! They had to leave them hanging out in the open!

[Thunderpants1]

Well, Ive got a whole lot of nothing to do, so heres the vaunted Patr thr33! In this chapter, something will happen. And then something else will happen. Are you exited yet?


The shuttle that was transporting the team made its way from Hyllis to Arjuun with great speed (which is less than very great speed, but they did not need to go that fast) and passed through the asteroid belt without alerting the fighter defenses. But then they ran into an obsticle that wasnt planned for. The emperor had ordered a mine field to be put in place around the whole planet. "Uh oh..." G said. "Ya think we should turn back?" Pants asked. "Weve gone too far! We cant go back through the asteroids, it was pure luck we made it through without a fight in the first place! Maintain the initiative, Carlson & Pe-" Double H was then interrupted. "Dont care, just shut up," Pants said. He continued "Ladies and Gentlemen, uhhh, this is your captain speaking. We uhhhhh, are about to uhhhh, hit some turbulence, so if you could uhhhh, return to your uhhhhh, seats and fasten your uhhhh, seatbelts, we will be through this in uhhhhhh, no time." The ship then went into the minefield. The sensors on the mines activated and warned the fighters. They swarmed around the ship, disregarding the mines and taking passes on the shuttle. Pants yelled "Somebody man the turret! I cant hold this off in my own!" Then Jade takes control of the turret. A little game begins where you have to hold off the mines and rather evil looking enemy fighters. The magnificent charicter known as Pants will give you warnings as to the direction of incoming fighters, and add in some smartypants comments like "That there was a premature discharge. You have to have control of your gun!" After this sequence is done, a mine slams into the engine of the shuttle, sending it carrening into the atmosphere.


On Arjuun...


On Arjuun, you crash the ship somewhere in the deep jungle, a few clicks away from the capitol city, the aptly named Capitol City. I hope I have the right 'capitol.' Anyway, they all crawl from the wrekage unharmed. Pants says "D@mn it! My right foot is deformed! There is a bony bulge right there at the top! I think I broke it!" while looking at his foot. G says "Pants, that foot has been like that for as long as Ive known you!" and Pants says "ARRGH! Thats not the point!" and puts his boot back on. "All right, Im going to recon the area and mace sure its safe," he declared. "What if theres bad guys out there? you dont have anything to defend yourself with," Jade stated. "Oh? you dont think Im packin'? You dont think I can bring the heat? You dont think I have a very powerfulpiece?" Pants asked. And then...

*ZZZZIIIIIPPPPPP*

"Oh," said Jade.

Pants unzipped a large black bag and unveiled a grey combat uniform, a load bearing vest, some new combat boots, a tactical helmet, a combat knife, and the centerpiece of the whole collection, a streamlined assult rifle that looked very intimidating. "What? Ya think Id leave home without my stuff?" Pants asked Jade. He donned all of his gear, and flipped on his uniforms central computer. The fabric changed color to match the enviornment, and he was off. "Dont worry, Miss Jade. Ive worked with him before. He knows what hes doing," G said to Jade. "I still dont know. He seems like the type to go and look for trouble," Jade remarked. "Ive seen him in action, Miss Jade, and if theres anyone who can find his way out of a mess, its Pants," he reassured her. "You dont need to call me Ms. Jade. Jade will do fine," Jade said. "And I have no choice but to trust him. I just dont know how much I like it," she continued.


Five minutes later...


Five minutes later, Pants returned. "All right, Ive found a way to the city walls from here. Just stay close and we'll be fine," Pants said. They make their way to the walls, ducking by guards running patrols out in the woods. There is a brown stream running the course of the level, going into the walls through a sewer pipe large enough to fit people through. "Theres our entrance. Stay low, theres guards on the walls," Pants said. "And guards at the entrance!" Peyj noticed. Sure enough, two guards had come out to post sentry duty at the pipe. "Theres only two, we could take 'em," Pants said. "Yeah, but what about the alarm?" G asked. Pants and G both thought about it. Then Pants noticed Jade wasnt wearing the army surplus style jacket, having left it at home. She had the tank top, only, and it was covered in soot from the crash. In his dirty, filthy little mind, he had made a foolproof plan. "Jade, come over here, You can help us get past them without any alarms going off," Pants said to Jade. He wispered his master plan into her ear, and Jade smacked him. "You-! Im not doing it! You can find someone else!" Jade said in an elevated voice. "Youre the only one who can do it, Jade. And you can trust me that it will work!" Pants said, holding back his s******ing. "Jade, whatever it is, its better than nothing." Peyj said. "Oh really? You dont even know what it is and youre already taking his si-" she started to protest. "Just DO it!" Peyj interrupted. Jade begrudgingly accepted her new task. She went down the side of the hill they were on, trailed by G and Pants. At the bottom, where Pants said "Okeay, do youre thing, honey!" to Jade. Jade forced herself to make the most seductive smile she could, and walked right up to the guards. "Oh, thank goodness I found you! You see, my ship crashed somewhere back in the woods, and Ive been alone, cold, and tired, looking for some big, strong men to come and help me!" Jade said in a damsel in distress type voice. "Oh! Uh, hehehe, we'll help you, miss! There is no need to fret!" One of the guards said. "Oh! Uh, yeah! Uh, uh, uh, we can help you!" The other guard stammered. "Oh, will you? Oh! thats wonderful!" Jade said, letting out a girlish giggle afterwords. She slowly walked into the woods, pushing back her tank top and revealing her shoulder. She looked back at the two guards, smiled, and winked. The guards lost control right then and there, and went chasing after her. They got to a patch of trees, and Pants and G quickly swung out from behind them with their fists, incapacitating both guards. Pants and G laughed uncontrollably, albiet quietly, and when Jade had stopped blushing she shook her head and muttered "men," under her breath. They make their way into the sewer, and prepare for their next adventure.


As you can see, this ones gonna earn that 'T!'

[Thunderpants1]

No one interested anymore? Dont worry, Ill be fine... http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/cry.gif

At least I have you, tetris. (http://ohman.ytmnd.com/) Wait... youre leaving me, too?!?!

[Lynx-0-]

well thunderpants, it's missing two things...

1. Me
2. The squad fish (sorry, don't remember if it was a squad fish, platoon fish, barracks fish, I just remember it being a fish.)

[Thunderpants1]

Do you mean Goober? He dissapeared; I think he might have been burned at the stake. May the Platoon Fish rest in peace. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/cry.gif

[Sev_Caravera]

Ah hello, I am from the International Lunatic Recovery Unit. I'm afraid Thunderpants here escaped quite some time ago and has managed to elude us for quite some time. We would like your assistance in tracking down this dangerous individual. We must also quarantine this and any other thread Thunderpants has participated in to prevent others being contaminated by his unique brand of comedy. Thankyou.

[bitebug2003]

Contains content? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

Normally a post contains content. Or am I missing something http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[Sev_Caravera]

hey Bitebug, can you do somethig about getting rid of that avatar removed message on all my posts, its really annoying and I can't seem to fully get rid of my avatar either.

[bitebug2003]

Well your Signature & Avatar were miles too big...so changing them or something will removed the notice from your sig.

[Thunderpants1]

I guess I should have warned you about the graphic depictions of paragraphs as well... http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Oh well...

[sysMangler]

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

[Lynx-0-]

Ah hello, I am from the International Lunatic Recovery Unit. I'm afraid Thunderpants here escaped quite some time ago and has managed to elude us for quite some time. We would like your assistance in tracking down this dangerous individual. We must also quarantine this and any other thread Thunderpants has participated in to prevent others being contaminated by his unique brand of comedy. Thankyou.

Ah, well you're in luck. You will also find Jericho on these forums, whom I'm sure has also escaped from your unit.

[Sev_Caravera]

Lynx,
Thankyou for your co-operation, we will soon have these two dangerous individuals safely isolated from the community where thier unique brand of comedy and story telling will not contaminate the humourless world we live in, you can sleep safely knowing that you have assisted in the great and noble purge of all thing that have any degree of quality from this world.

[Thunderpants1]

All right, Ive thought out the entire story, Now I just need to flesh out the details. I think the people of the forums will enjoy this next bit, as it is filled with suspense, drama, action, and human waste products. WARNING: The following contains graphic depictions of paragraphs and complete sentences. If you do not enjoy things, it is highly reccomended that you stab your eyes out with a pencil to avoid accidental reading.


In Capital City's Sewers...

In Capital City's sewers, Jade, HH, G, Pants, and Peyj made their way through the waist deep waste. The smell was almost overbearing, and the only thing preventing them from fainting was the concious realization that to faint would result in total submersion in the septic soup. "Are you sure that this is the only way in?" Jade demanded of Pants. "It was either this, or we wentthrough the nesting grounds of a wild pack of Peruvian Death Monkey-Rabbits." Pants informed her. They found an elevated platform and a massive maintinence area, and quickly climbed on. "Thank God," said Jade, as she breathed a sigh of relief. the area was connected to a series of subterrainian tunnels, used mainly as maintinence access shafts. The group con not exactly move at will through these tunnels, though, as they were being patrolled by the evil henchmen of the emperor. They were ambushed by a large group of guards soon after getting out of the sludge. "Oh... dang!" G said, as the guards shined them with flashlights and demanded to see their hands. "Hey! You can already see my hands! Theyre on my assult rifle!" Thunderpants remarked. The guards charged their weapons. "Smaaaarrrrttt..." G declared. Pants opened fire, taking three of the eight guards down in one burst. Jade drew her fighting stick, and G drew his. HH and Peyj readied their bludgeoning devices and a fight broke out. The fight is easily won and congratulations are given. "Alright, lets skee-daddle before more morons show up," Peyj said, and they begin to slink around in the tunnels. They eventually met up with their contact on Arjuun in the tunnels. A young IRIS soldier named Marcus and a squad of resistance fighters met them at an intersection in the tunnels. "Hey, uglies. Names Marcus," he whispered. "We arent far from the IRIS hideout. This way," he said, and they followed him down a tunnel to a door. He banged on it three times, and a voice within yelled "Whats the Password?" Marcus replied "New England Clam Chowder!" To which the voice inside replied "Is that the red, or the white?" and Marcus said "Ya can never remember that... WHITE?" to which the door slowly opened.

In the IRIS den, they began their formal intruductions. Jade said "Hi, Im Jade, this is Pants, G, Double H, and Peyj." The commander said "Its an honor to meet you, Miss Jade. Weve heard a lot about you." To which Jade replied "Oh really?" The commander then introduced Marcus, who would be moving with them as long as they were on Arjuun. They then began the briefing. The commander told them that they had found the map piece they were looking for. Unfortunately it was in the middle of the imperial palace, being guarded by a lot of guards. He told them that they would need a high security clearance to enter the palace, and that they could only be gotten in the governors office, which was also guarded by many guards. They would have to infiltrate the governors office, steal the passcards, and use those passcards to infiltrate the palace, steal the map piece, exfiltrate the palace, and return to the IRIS den for it to be analyzed and incorporated into Peyj's... arm map. *Shudder.* Pants raised his hand. "Yes, Mr. Pants," The commander said. "Couldnt we just say please," Pants asked. Marcus said "Yes! We were always told that we could get what we wanted if we just asked nicely!"
"No, Im afraid that wont work," the commander said. "We already got a massive turkey dinner from them like that, they wont fall for the same trick twice," he continued. "Any other questions? Good! Your mission begins now! Good luck and have fun!" The commander said.

They took another door, which opened up into a stall in a womens room. Jade went out first. G followed her, and the patrons winked to one another and giggled. Then Double H came out, and the patrons had a look on their face that said 'ohhh! how naughty!' Then Pants emerged, and they looked slightly confused. Whem Marcus came out, they were looking disturged and disgusted. Then Peyj came out, and one of them screamed "Whats wrong with you people?!" and ran out screaming. As they all followed Jade out of the womens room, some future patrons noticed the train of males following her out of the bathroom, and Pants looked at one, smiled, and zipped up his fly. Outside, people stopped and noticed the motley crew and pointed them out to guards. When a guard stopped them and demanded to know what they were doing, Pants asked for directions to an anime convention. After being informed that there was no such convention in town, Marcus pretended to faint. Pants fell to his knees, cradled Marcus' limp body, said, "No! No! Dont let it end like this!" When Marcus did not respond, Pants threw his hands up in the air and screamed "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!" The guard just slowly backed away, and they continued on their merry way.


Im done writing for now, so either you take what Ive given you and enjoy it, or you dont. its up to you, really. Just dont whine to me if the sheer brilliance of my storytelling gave you a siezure.

[Thiendrah]

You're certainly full of yourself.

[Thunderpants1]

Well, Id hope so... If I wasnt, then my insides would be splayed all about on the floor.

[Lynx-0-]

ome future patrons noticed the train of males following her out of the bathroom, and Pants looked at one, smiled, and zipped up his fly.

hahahaha ahhhh, that's classic comedy. good stuff.


ome future patrons noticed the train of males following her out of the bathroom, and Pants looked at one, smiled, and zipped up his fly.

I've noticed that someone's on the top of their game today, witty comebacks abound.

[Denden666Piek]

Most! Hilarious! BGE! Story! Ever!

You are completely out of your mind! I haven't read anything this funny for a long time. This is some good sh*t, man!

By the way:
He banged on it three times, and a voice within yelled "Whats the Password?" Marcus replied "New England Clam Chowder!" To which the voice inside replied "Is that the red, or the white?" and Marcus said "Ya can never remember that... WHITE?" to which the door slowly opened.

So you're also a Jim Carey fan, huh?

[Thunderpants1]

Let me answer that in the form of another question... and answer:

Would you mind if I took your pants off, instead?

Gee, lemme think, okeay sure!

[Thunderpants1]

And now, the continuing saga of the epic of the journey of the tale of my pants. Again, I must forewarn all of you whom hate joy: DO NOT READ THIS STORY!


On the Streets...

On the streets of Capital City, the motley crew of six made their way to the governors office and hid in an alley. It was indeed quite heavily guarded. Jade assesed the situation, and decided there was no way to enter undetected. "We could always do what we did to get in the city," Pants declared. "Seduce our way past the guards and proceed to where we get the security passes"
"No way! Im not doing that again!" Jade objected. "Hmmm, now that I think about it, you dont have to," G said. "We have a pair of fine young ladies right here!" He said as he pointed to none other than Pants and Marcus. "Wha-? you cant be serious!" Marcus objected. "Jeez, G! I like you, too, but not like THAT!" Pants declared. Jade was all for G's idea. "Im liking this new plan," she declared, with a mildly evil smile on her face. "Just give me fifteen minutes, and you two will be ready to take on the world!" Jade said mischeviously.

**********************FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER**********************************

Jade came out of a connecting alley and said "Gentlemen, I give you 'Shiela' and 'Barbra!'" **Cue 'Aint no Hollabak Girl'** Marcus and Pants made their way around the corner, in pink dresses and blond wigs, with tons of makeup on their face. "If I didnt know better, Id say they were the ugliest women in the whole world!" Double H declared. "Yeah! but look at those legs!" G said. "Do I look pretty?" Marcus asked. "Absolutly ravishing!" Peyj taunted. "Does this dress make me look fat?" Pants asked. "Yes," G said.


(We at Thunderpants, Inc. wish to apoligize for any stress that resulted from reading this past paragraph. If you or a loved one has suffered from reading this, we at Thunderpants, Inc. would like to offer you a complimentary imaginary backrub. Thank you.)


The two ugliest women in the world then made their way right to the front door, marching in perfect step, combat boots clicking against the pavement, halting right in front of the two door guards. "Oh! Hello! We have an appoitment with the governor!' Pants said, in a voice that sounded more like a dying elaphant than a woman. "Yes, a very important appoitment, too!" Marcus said in a voice akin to that of a raccon that had gotten half crushed by a rock. "Oh, really? What sort of an appoitment?" One of the guards said. "Oh, we mean an 'appoitment,' appoitment," Pants said. "And if you let us in, now, we might have some 'appoitment' left for you two! hehehe" Marcus added as they flashed their nasty man smiles. "Ohh HOOO! Uh, hehehe, dont take *too* long," one guard said. "Oh, dont worry, well save some for you!" Pants said.

They entered the offices of the governor, and Pants whispered to Marcus "Wow, these guards are pretty 'frustrated,' arent they?"
"Yeah, Ill say!" Marcus whispered back. They then made their way to the governors own office, figuring that they wouldnt issue high security passes to a pair of twits in womens clothing. After a bit of walking around, they came upon the governors main office, seduced their way past the guards, and entered.

In the office, the governor swiveled around in his swivel chair, looked at the two unwilling cross-dressers, and smiled his 'oh boy! I could get lucky' smile. "And how can I help you two young ladies, now?" he asked. "You could start by giving us six security passes to the palace," Pants said in his normal voice. "OH MY GO-" the governor said as he got his chair knocked over. "Give us the passes!" Marcus ordered him. "Never! Ill never succumb to the will of terrorists like you!" He hissed. "Fine, we'll just have to neuter you. Doctor! Hand me the knife!" Pants said. "Yikes!" the governor yelled. They then put his chair back up and forced him into it. "OHhHhHhH!" he screamed. "OKEAY! ILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT!" he whimpered. He gave them six palace passes, and Pants said "Now was that so hard?" and then they knocked the governor out with a pistol whip to the back of the head. As they came out, the doorguards looked in, saw his unconsious body, and looked at the two fake women with bewilderment. Pants looked in, looked at the guards, and said "Old men always fall asleep halfway through!" and they left the two guards keeled over with laughter.

Outside, Jade was telling G all about her previous adventure. "...and then Double H rammed his head right into the back of his breathing tank, and he went flying!" Jade said. "He was completley unaware of my presence! I took Chapter Six of Carlson And Peters to heart!" Double H said. "Nice!" G said. "Sounds like you had a bit of fun," he continued. "Well, it wasnt fun at the time, but looking back on the whole experience, Id say it was pretty exciting. Not something Id want to do again, but maybe it would make a good videogame," Jade replied. "Anyway, what about you? Ive hardly gotten to know you," Jade inquired. "Oh, there isnt much to talk about," G said. "Oh, come on! If were going to be working together, we might as well get to know eachother better," Jade insisted. "...maybe later, here comes our seductresses." G observed. Sure enough, Marcus and Thunderpants came out of the front door after giving the guards a weenus rub. The guards felt kind of gipped when they found out that the weenus was the skin on your elbow. Jade and G both laughed heartily as they approached the alley. They quickly got rid of the dresses, makeup and wigs. "Howd ya like it?" G asked. "A nice taste of your own medicine?" Jade said. "They were no match for our feminine wiles!" Marcus said. "We were just to damm sexy," Pants added. They then distributed the passes, and they made their way to the palace.


They took up a position near the palace and observed the patrol routes of the guards. "No more seduction. Now we do this the old fashioned way," Pants said. "Im glad youve decided that," Jade said. They observed a small vent shaft that was large enough to crawl through and low enough to the ground to be reached. Miracuoulsly, there was no one guarding the shaft. "Funny how things always seem to work out so well in that regard," G said. They all made their way through the vents, and came to a storage closet where they split up into teams of two to scour the area for the map piece. Pants and Marcus, HH and Peyj, G and Jade. They planned to meet later on in a room that had no purpose other than to be an mDisk terminal, and parted ways.



All the exitement! All the drama! No more drag queens! R U PREPARED FOR TEH NEXT CHAPTARE?!!!!1 Tune in next time to find out!

[Denden666Piek]

I'm not prepared for the next chapter but I have no choice, have I? I cannot help it, I HAVE to read this. It's too funny to miss it.

[Thunderpants1]

I think I should warn you: The next chapter will be nothing but doom and gloom, with a complete lack of rubber chickens to use for medicinal purposes.

[Thunderpants1]

Since Jerhico is not working on his story at all I figure you all need some fan fiction to fill that gap in your life that nothing else seems to be able to do. Once again, I must warn you of the impending danger that you face if you are afraid of butterflies and the night sky.



Jade and G went down a vent shaft to a monorail transfer station. After quietly dispatching the guard they activated the monorail. Jade boarded first, and then all of a sudden iorn bars slammed down before G could board. "Ill meet you at the next stop," Jade said. "Okeay, be careful," G replied. The monorail flew off into the dark, and Jade and G were seperated. The monorail stuttered halfway through, and came to a screeching halt over a deep, dark, black precipice. Then the rail shuttered, bent, and collapsed. The car fell into the precipice and was never seen again.



THE END!!!1



Or not...
Jade managed to jump out of the window and grab hold of the rail before the car dissapeared into the blackness. "That was too close," she quietly said to herself, and she slowly shimmeyed down the rail to the next station. She contacted G at the terminal. "G, the rail collapsed. I barely made it out. Well have to meet up later," she said into the comm station. "All right. Just dont go get yourself killed while my back is turned," he replied. "Nuthin to worry about!" she replied with confidence. She then made her way towards the central room that was to be their meeting place. After sneaking by or dispatching a few guards through a few rooms, she entered one room where the door suddenly slammed shut and alarms went off. The room quickly filled with guards who demanded her surrender. She instead jumped into a vent shaft as fast as she could, with lazer blasts hitting all around and inside it. She crawled for a little while until she came upon a weak paneling and it collapsed underneath her. She fell through the cieling, and right into G's arms. "Wow, nice catch!" She said. "Oh! thanks!" he replied. after a few seconds, she smiled and asked, "um, can I get down, now?" G, slightly embarrased, said "Huh? OH! Sure!" and put her down.


They continued until they found a room that looked like the inside of a factory, with conveyers running and machines working, moving boxes and crates around. They noticed an eerily familiar green aura, and a feeling of dread overcame them. Two Imperial Guards walked past the vent they were hiding in; their eyes followed those two guards right up to a group of Alpha Sections. "Oh God! What are they doing here?" G asked. "I dont know, but it cant be good!" Jade replied. "Jade! Dont you always carry around a camera?" G asked. "Good idea," she replied. She took some pictures; after the third picture, she felt something overcome her. Her eyes started to glow green, and she slowly turned her head to face one of those giant DomZ eye monster things. She heard its voice in her head and was hypnotized by it. "Jade? Jade?" G asked, but she wasnt listening. The guards took notice of the disturbance, they went to where the monster was looking. "Time to go, Jade!" g said as he pulled her away and broke her hypnotic state. They got a safe distance away and G asked "What happened, Jade?"
"It was calling me... I couldnt stop it!" She replied. "I tried, but I couldnt brake away..." she continued. "Hey, dont worry about it, lets just get to the rendevouz point!" G said.


They made it to the rendevouz point, where the brilliant mind known as Thunderpants asked "Where have you been?" jade replied "Weve been busy. We saw the Alpha Sections and the DomZ here!" Jade continued. "We saw them, too!" Said Double H. "We also noticed a high ranking Alpha officer conversing with the emperor himself!" he continued. "So these guys are in league with the butchers. Thats just wonderful!" Pants said. "Well, we have one mission and one alone. To find that map! So lets make like eggs and scramble!" Pants continued. "Scramble like eggs? How long did you work on that one?" Marcus asked. "I think these things up on the fly, so lets make like a tree and get the frick out of here! Notice the perfectly located censorship on that last one." Pants said. They made their way to the control room and entered. There they located the maps whereabouts. Those whereabouts turned out to be right in the computer databanks they were accessing at the moment. Using Peyjs erginomic outlet, they downloaded the map into his armputer, and escaped from the control room.

Their way out went through the dungeon of the palace. It was there that something caught Marcus' eye. "Guys, stop!" He said, as they looked down from the saftey of their balcony to the torture chamber below. A beautiful young woman, with dark skin, black hair, and brown eyes was tied down to a chair. "Now suppose we put out those pretty little eyes of yours, then would you tell us how to find the rebels?" the torturer asked her. "Youd have to cut my head off and download the information from my brain!" she replied. "We have to do something!" Marcus demanded. "We have what we came for, were getting out of here!" Pants said. "Oh come on! Its only a matter of time before they break her! Dont you have any humanity left, or did you giggle it away in all of your stupidity?" He demanded. "...Fine! Jade, G, Hold up down below on the left and take out the torture guy! Peyj, Double H, clear the path ahead! Marcus, get down their and untie her! Ill draw the torture dude out!" Pants ordered. "How ya gonna do that?" Jade asked. Pants just smiled micheviously.

The torturer was about to give the young woman a good zapping with a cattle prod thing when he heard a voice in the distance. "Oh, my! Somebody help me! Im a catholic schoolgirl, trapped in this ventilation shaft! Im cold and wet and half naked and stuck in a highly comprimising position!" It was Pants. The torturer said "Ill deal with you later! Come out where I can see you!"
"Oh, but I cant! I need a big strong man like you to come and grease me up!" Pants said. As the guard moved towards the source of the disturbance, Marcus appeared behind the girl and said "Shh! Its okeay! Im here to help!" the girl said "Well you took your sweet time getting here!" Marcus untied her and she turned around to see him. Marcus was amazed at who he saw. "Kiera?!" He gasped. "Marcus?!" She gasped. GASP!!!!1 Anyway, Jade and G took care of the guard swiftly and opened the door to the torture chamber, letting Marcus and Kiera out. They linked up with Peyj and Double H. "Quickly! I noticed a landing pad ahead! We can commandeer one of their shuttles and escape!" Double H said.

They made their way to the shuttle pad, which was supposedly abandoned. "Theyre going to notice a missing shuttle," Kiera said. "Dont worry, if planned for all contingencies!" Pants said. "Except this one..." he corrected himself as dozens of guards surrounded them. "Put down your weapons!" They ordered. Marcus looked at Pants, and Pants looked at Marcus. They took aim and opened fire with their assult rifles. "Get on the ship! Go!" Pants screamed to the others. "All right, Marc! Were gettin' outta heah! Cover me while I move!" he screamed to Marcus. "Gotcha covered!" Marcus screamed back as he layed down suppresing fire for Pants to move back. Pants then extended the same courtesy to Marcus, and they bounded back to their new ship. "GET THIS BIRD IN THE AIR!" Pants screamed to the cockpit, and the shuttle roared up into the dark night.

Back on the pad, a dark figure said to the guards in a deep, scratchy, half mechanical voice, "Let them go! Theyll lead us to an even LARGER prize!"


Could it be? Has Kheck returned to haunt our heroes? ... Yeah, probably. If this thought frightens you, I reccomend you go get some sunlight, as youve been playing too many videogames. Maybe go jog? While youre doing that you can think about dancing monkeys!

[Denden666Piek]

That wasn't very unexpected, was it? So I'll just stay here and continue playing games.

[Sev_Caravera]

Maybe go jog?
Going outside? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is some crazy ****. But its extremely funny, you seriously need proffesional help, preferably from a lawyer as this stuff is going to give someone a heart condition they'll be luaghing so much.

I know you all hate this - so do I, but please don't bypass the autocensor :s

[Thunderpants1]

Fine, Ill post a warning, the way I do before every segment: If you have a condition in any of the following body parts:
Heart
Kidneys
Liver
Spine
Colon
Weenus
Fingernails
It is highly advised that you go see a doctor.

[Sev_Caravera]

What kind of doctor? Or should we just go straight to a Mortician

[Thunderpants1]

Yeah, call a mortician, because as youll notice, Im dead. Talk about necroposting! Anyway, I figure I might as well continue my story, as its saturday morning and the only thing to do is watch infomercials for two more hours. Caught the Colts losing to the Falcons in Tokyo, though, so that was worth it.



Escaping the Palace...

Escaping the Palace in a blaze of gunfire, the shuttle carrying our heroes stays low to avoid radar contact. "That was way too close," Jade said in relief. "Yeah, a hot LZ is never fun," Marcus agreed. "Everyone all right?" Pants asked. Everyone gave their conformation. Jade flew the shuttle to an open square in the slums, which took up most of the city. When they dismounted the shuttle, they were mortified by the sight surrounding them. Collapsing shanties, grime, waste, and dead bodies littered the pockmarked streets. The air was barely breathable. Ghost figures wandered about, scattering from the crew of the shuttle. "My God..." G said, shaken. "This is how most people are treated by the emperor. You dont have enough money, you arent of the right political views, you wind up here. Petty theft just to stay alive is a crime punishable by death, here. Usually they just sit back on the parapets of the walls guarding the upper class districts and watch you die, but sometimes they come down here to expidite the process," Marcus explained. "I can see why theres a resistance," Pants observed. They moved out into the filth, and began looking for a place to hide. Some little children snuck up behind them and tried to pickpocket them. Jade looked down to find a little hand rustling through her pocket, looking for anything. "This is just pitiful. Here, take this," Pants said, as he handed them a MRE. Their faces lit up and they ran off. "I always keep extra supplies ready in my little digi-pack thing, just in case," Pants said. They moved a bit further, and G was grabbed by the arm by someone hiding in the darkness holding a gun. "Youre with IRIS, right?" The man said. "Yes, who are y-" Jade started. "No time for talk, lets move!" the man ordered, and they followed him to a secret tunnel entrance.


He guided them through the tunnel system right to the IRIS den. "Good to see you all alive again... Kiera?! They found you?!" The commander said. "Yeah, I guess I got lucky," Kiera replied. "This day is getting better by the minute! You found the map and saved the princess all in one swoop!" The commander joyfully declared. "Waitaminute... princess?" Pants asked. "Yes, Princess Kiera, the daughter of the true king of Arjuun. Shes been helping us for quite some time, now," the commander explained. "Well, its nice to be makin' youre aquaintences, youre magnificentness!" Pants declared. "Dont. call. me. that." Kiera ordered. "Can I call you Youre Royal Wonderfulness?" Pants asked. "...No" Kiera bluntly replied. Pants continued "Well Id like for you to meet my contraceptive. I call it 'Youre Holyness,'". Jade interrupted by introducing herself and her companions. "Now, lets get to that map," She said. But before they could even begin the analasys they heard explosions in the distance. "Gorg, find out what that is!" The commander said to a big, brown, bison- like charicter, who fiddled around with some controls and brought up a live feed cam of the slums. Guards and Alpha Sections were rampaging through the streets, killing everyone who got in their way, setting fires to the shanties and lining up civilians for random executions, following the exact path that Jade & Co. took. "They must have bugged the map! Everyone evacuate!" The commander ordered.

But before they could even start, Alpha Sections burst through one of the doors and opened fire. The IRIS soldiers stationed around the den returned fire, and a battle broke out right in the room. "EVERYBODY GET THROUGH THE BLAST DOOR!" Pants screamed. "Marcus! stay close to me!" he yelled as he dragged Marcus behind the hologram table. "Jade! Get everybody out! We'll cover you!" Marcus screamed. They took potshots at the enemy force that was developing in the room. The IRIS troops were slowly being killed, one by one, staining the silver metal paneling with their blood. Soon all of the survivors, save Marcus and Pants, were through the blast door. Pants yelled "GO, MARCUS! IVE GOT YA COVERED!" as he stood up and fired. Marcus ran through the blast door and turned around to cover Pants' retreat. "Comeon, Pants!" he screamed. Pants turned around and ran for the door. But he got shot in the back and fell to his knees as the exit wound opened up in his shoulder. Another shot passed through his gut, and slowly oozed blood. Blood came up into his mouth as he kneel in place, staring blankly at Jade and company. An Alpha Section came up behind him and slowly raised its pistol to his head. He let out one gurgled scream as the door closed: "GOOOOOOO!" The door slammed shut and one last shot rang out from within the room.

"Lets go..." Marcus said, and they turned and ran through the sewers with the rest of the survivors.

They came out in the woods and made a break for the shuttle that they had crashed onto the planet in. "Come on! Get this thing working! Were dead if it wont fly!" Marcus said. "Just a few more things, and, THERE!" Peyj yelled. "Everybody on!" Jade yelled, and everyone left piled into the shuttle. They escaped orbit, and then had to make it out of the minefield, which gives rise to a minigame in which you have to shoot the mines and the incoming fighters to keep the ship running. They make it away from Arjuun, and head back to Hyllis.

"What happened...?" Jade asked no one in particular. "They must have bugged us, somehow..." G said. "It was me. They bugged me. Its somewhere under my skin, I cant find it..." Kiera said. "Im sorry," she continued. "Its not youre fault," Jade reassured her. "I cant believe it. So many people, dead... even Pants," Jade said. "Thats war, I guess..." G replied. "Pants died with the others because he believed in something, and the only way to honor his memory is to keep fighting for that belief," Double H said.

In the shattered IRIS den, the Alphas were cleaning up when an evil figure showed up. Half his face was replaced with machinery, with a bright red glowing left eye. "Excellent Work!" The dreaded General Kheck said. "Now, all we have to do is lead them to the next map pieces!" he continued, laughing as he watched the shuttle on the holotable fly away from Arjuun.


Oh, darnit! I killed off my own character in my own story! Dont worry, my memory will live on through the lives I touched! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif I was kind of hoping someone might have been gullable enough to fall for that prank. But as for the story, just stay tuned, as it will continue without me. As a character, of course. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Thunderpants1]

I can see no one is interested in fanfiction anymore.

[Thunderpants1]

Ive got nothing to do right now, so I think Ill do a bit more of my story. I dont care if you want to read it, I want to share!


Jade, G, Double H, Peyj, Marcus, Kiera, and the rest of the survivors of the attack landed safely on Hyllis. Jade led the group to the IRIS headquarters to debrief and to get medical attention for the wounded.

After telling the story of the attack to Hahn, Jade informed him of the overall success of the mission. "So, Pants is dead. That is some of the worst news Ive heard today. He was one of our best, and his skills will be sorely missed where youre going next," Hahn said. "Why? Where are we going?" Jade asked. "To Arcadia. It is cold, snowed in, heavily forested, and mountainous. Just the enviornment Pants trained for. Plus, he grew up in a very similar place," Hahn said. "The map leads us there, next. We believe that it is plotting points off of different systems from which the location of the DomZ homeworld can be triangulated," Hahn said. "Youre next mission is to go there and find the map. The Arcadian government is friendly to us, and there are no Alphas known about on the planet, so it should be a simple snach and grab operation. But it rarely works out that way. Good luck," Hahn said. "Well do our best," said Jade, and they went off to Mamago Garage to pick up the Beluga.

"Hahaha! Welcome back!" Hal said as they drove in on the hovercraft. "Youre ready! Were terribly sorry about that engine, we had it fixed!" he continued. "Dont sweat it, its no big deal," Jade said. "Well, it looks like its time to go," said Jade. But before they could load up into the refurbrished Beluga, Hahn appeared from inside and stopped them. "Jade, before you go, you better have this. Its Pants' log; he kept information on every planet he visited in this. It might be useful, especially where youre going. He spent quite some time on Arcadia, so hes got a lot of information about it in here. He also made a few friends durring his stay; that should make things even easier," Hahn said. "Thank you, this will help alot," Jade said. After Hahn left, she looked it over. "Wow, he went to a lot of places," Jade said. "It seems he was thinking ahead, in case someone else needed the information," Double H thought out loud. "Well, we arent going to get to use this info if we dont get there first! Lets go!" Peyj said. They piled into the Beluga and flew off.



Arriving on Arcadia...

Arriving on Arcadia, the first thing they noticed was how incredibly cold it was. Marcus clinged onto Kiera to keep her warm, and she lightly smiled at him. G and Jade snuggled in close and penguin walked inside of the landing bay. Double H and Peyj were on their own. Do'H! Inside the landing bays main hallway, they were approached by a salesman offering heavy winter coats. They bought some, and made their way out to the town. It was a small fishing town, with cottages, docks, boats out in the oecean despite the blistering cold gathering fish, and red brick buildings scattered about. "Well, we might as well find someone who knows the place to give us a tour," Jade said. She took out Pants' log, and read it. "Theres a bar nearby where we can rent transportation," Jade said. "Do ya think we could find a tourgide there?" G asked. "Well find out soon enough," Jade said.

In the bar, it was dark, grungy, and smelled of beer and cigarettes. The patrons were all leather faced fishermen and mountain men. Jade didnt feel uneasy, though, as it all seemed to have a friendly, welcoming air to it. She went up to the bar and spoke to the bartender. "Excuse me, I was wondering if I could rent some transportation," She said to him. "Oh, of course, young miss! I dont believe Ive seen you around these parts, before!" He said warmly. "No, Im from out of town," She replied. "Well, dont be gettin shy, now! What be youre name?" He asked. "Im Jade. And this is Peyj, Double H, G, Kiera, and Marcus," She replied. "A pleasure to meet you all! To bad me ol' buddy, who we called 'Pants, isnt here to meet ya! Lynx-O be my name! And this heah is me bah! Yeah, it is truly a shame he aint heah, he loves a new face!" the bartender said. (Well, Lynx asked to be in it, so here he is). "Actually, we did meet him. He cant be here today," Marcus interrupted. "Ye met him?! Well, whatsa mattah? Why cant he be heah?" Lynx asked. "...hes dead. Fighting the Alpha Sections..." Jade said. "...Dead...? Are ye sure?" Lynx asked. "...We saw him die, we couldnt do anything," Jade said, feeling suddenly sad and guilty for his death. "Well, he deserves some recognition. EVERYBODY STOP WHAT YER DOIN! Some terrible news has reached my eahs. Ouah friend and brothah, Thundahpants, is dead from battle with the Alpha Sections! A toast, to ouah fallen brothah, Pants!" Everyone in the bar raised their glasses in salute, and had a moment of silence. "Now, what brings ya heah, because I feel theah be moah to youah visit than just to tell us the bad news," Lynx said afterwords. "Weve come looking for a star map, or at least a fragment of one, that leads somewhere very important. The last segment we found led us here," Jade said. "Well, I dunna know about any stah map thing that leads anywheah in paticulah, but theah is a cave just a few miles out, in the mountians, that seems to have a weahd enehgey comin from it," Lynx said. "I could give you about three snowmobiles, should be enough," he continued. "Thank you, that helps alot," Jade said.

They found the three snowmobiles outside. They went two to a ride, Peyj with Double H, G with Jade, and Kiera with Marcus. They zipped out to the cave, and towards what they thought should be a simple enough operation. They would soon find out that they were sorely mistaken...


What could possibly be the sore mistake? Is it the same as a rash mistake? Find out next time!

[Lynx-0-]

Caught the Colts losing to the Falcons in Tokyo, though, so that was worth it.

http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

Argh! How dare you! Im from Indiana, I'm a colts fan, and any attack on the Colts is a direct attack on my person! You better be glad you're dead thunderpants, cuz if not I would have finished the job!









...ok, I'm better now. Your team of preference?

[Thunderpants1]

Im a Pats fan, myself. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif AND Ill have you know that while I was alive I was a varsity lineman on my high school football team. I have since then lost 45 pounds and am no longer able to play that position, plus Im dead. But Ill have you all know that I was good when I was fat and alive!

[Sev_Caravera]

Your writing seems very good for a dead guy. Its also got a more grim than before, don'tr try to turf me out, I'm the one with the dark, gritty story. OR as dark and gritty as you can make BGE.

[Thunderpants1]

Dont worry, it will continue getting darker until a miracle happens that will make the funny more satisfying, if you ask me.

[Thunderpants1]

I think I will continue with my story, now. On to Chapter next: The Crazy Cave Adventure.


When they entered the cave, the first thing they noticed was how incredibly warm it was inside. "We should leave our winter gear here, or we will certainly overheat within," Double H said. "Imagine the irony of dying of a heat injury in the middle of winter," Marcus added. They put their heavy winter apparell in a corner where they could find it later, and went into the cave. There were multiple pathways inside, and they were presented with quite a problem. "Hold on! Maybe Pants explored in here before," Jade said. She opened up Pants' log, and investigated. Surely enough, there was a comprehensive map inside of it. The map was covered with markings, higlighting points of interest, and little jolly rogers, marking potential danger zones. A large skull and crossbones sat at the opposite end of the map. "I wonder what was there that worried him so much..." Jade said. "Probably a gigantic ice cave beast with a big hankerin' for pork!" Peyj said. "Well, this place is our best bet for finding that map, so we have to go in," Jade said. They split up into three groups of two and Jade gave out digital copies of the map; Jade with G, Peyj with HH, and Marcus with Kiera. They then went down different corridors, with plans to meet at the large, central skull and crossbones.

The cave was lit up by bioluminescent plants bursting through the ice cristals and small animals of every type. This provided for some entertaining photography for Jade at first. "Look at all these things..." she said to G. "Theyre beautiful," she continued. G looked at Jade, smiled, and said "Ive seen better..." Jade looked at him and smiled back. They kept on moving, pushing ice blocks and crossing ice bridges along the way, until they came upon the first skull and crossbone area of their map. It looked just like any other corridor they went down. "What frightened him about this place?" Jade asked. She moved foreward until she stepped on something soft. It immeadeatly grabbed her foot and came out of the ice. It was a giant worm creature. "JADE!" G yelled. He ran foreward and attacked it. It let go, but two of its friends showed up. After beating them G looked at Jade and said "That was close." Jade replied "Yeah... thanks." and smiled lightly.

They continued on until they came upon a giant precipice, seperating them from their destination. This was the second skull and crossbone on their map. "Well, this is a challenge," G said. "You can say that again," Jade replied. "How did he make it across?" G wondered out loud. Then out of the distance they saw Marcus and Kiera come up on them. Only thing was that they were riding on the back of a large Manta Ray-esque creature. They passed by them and yelled out "Hey guys! Check this out!" and laughed to themselves. "...cute," G said. "What? You dont like cute?" Jade asked. "No, its not that, its just that when theyre together, it gets so syruppy and sweet," He replied. "Well, theyre obviously in love," Jade replied. "How would you act if you were like that?" She asked. "All right, Ill give them that... but what were they laughing about?" he aksed. "Oh, let it go, lets just do what they did and get across," Jade said. A flying manta thingy came to them and they hopped on. Jade had herself a grand old time on the manta thingy, and G couldnt help himself but smile as well. They traversed the gap and continued with their journey.

Once across, Marcus got off first, and helped Jade off. "Why merci, monseniour(SP?)," she said to him. They continued on through the cave, solving little puzzles here and there and taking pictures of the wildlife, until coming across the next danger zone. It was an open cavern with them being on what amounted to a footbridge across it, with several gaps to jump. They moved along through this until some movement on the wall caught their eyes. They stopped and looked around. Then from above them a large flying insect creature attacked, but it was jumped and swallowed whole by a larger four legged spider like creature, with markings that would identify it as a Domz monster. They then had to fight off dozens of these on a narrow section of rock. They would jump on top of G or Jade, and one would have to go help the other fight it off, like the Crochax and Vorax from the original. After they had fought the spiders off, a huge one came up from underneath the walkway. Jade and G ready their staffs and prepare to fight, but shots ring out from the far right wall. One shot after the other came into the massive queen spiders body, until it collapsed. They looked where the shots came from. It was a soldier, all dressed in white, save for the black skimask and goggles, toting an assult rifle. "Who are you?" Jade asked. He raised his hand and winded back, almost as though to say "SUPRISE!" but he was interrupted by an onset of more wildlife. He dissapeared behind an ice formation and they didnt catch sight of him again. "Well, whoever he was he saved our sorry butts. Lets get out of here before more show up," G said, and they got out of dodge.

Jade and G were the first ones to make it to the central area, marked with the biggest jolly roger of the entire map. The whole place was set up almost as though it was an arena, and there were ancient technological instruments all over the walls. In the middle of the arena was a projector on a pedistal, holding nothing other than the second fragment of the star map in its databanks and displaying it for all to see. "Look at this place..." G said. "Its like a giant arena, or a proving ground, or something," Jade added. She looked in the middle and saw the star map. "Look! There it is! Just sitting around!" Jade said. "Hey, donthya think we should wait for the others?" G asked. "Whats the worst that could happen?" Jade asked. "Come on! Didnt you see the size of the warning Pants had on this place? Theres probably a monster or something!" G protested. "Weve made it this far, are you scared?" Jade teased. She took out an mDisk and walked up to the pedistal. It suddenly turned pink and fleshy right under her feet. She looked down in shock and jumped back. The fleshy piece rose out of the ground over twenty feet up. Two arms and two legs with huge claws appeared out of the sides of the large colubm, white fur grew all over the monstrosity, and two eyes popped out and looked hella pissed. "Smooth..." G said, and the beast attacked.

This boss battle plays out as such. The thing shot fire out of its mouth three times and then attacked with its hands. Jade and G attacked the hands in tandem, and this pattern is used twice. Then it started swinging its arms at Jade, which she dodged and then hit it in the armpit. Then finally it tried stomping on them with its feet and shooting fire at the same time. Now Jade and G just led it around until it was shocked by shocky thingies that came out of the wall. When it died, it let go of the obligitory pearl and spat an mDisk with the map on it out. "Awesome! We did it!" G yelled triumphantly. "All right!" Jade added, and they hugged. Then G and Jade stopped, let go, looked at each other, and politely shook hands. "Um, nice work..." Jade said. "Yeah, you too..." G replied. The other four came out of the caverns with their weapons drawn, and saw that Jade and G had already slain the beast. "Well, you two seem to make quite the team," Marcus said. "It was dangerous to start the fight without us, you could have been killed!" Peyj yelled. "My thoughts exactly, but theyre all right, and we should go," Double H said.

Just then, the ground started to shake, and the roof started to come down on them. "Lets get outta here!" Kiera yelled, and they ran to the exit. There was a large slide there, with no way to safely navigate it, save some ancient looking snowboards. "Works for me! Lets go!" Said Peyj, and they all made their way down the slope on the snowboards, bringing back the Tony Hawk type controls. They then found that everything else at the bottom was also collapsing. They saw more of the Manta Ray things and got on them. Then they flew out of the collapsing cave, with fire shooting up from beneath and pieces of ice and rock coming down on them, until they escaped out the mouth of the cave. They dismounted and got on their snowmobiles as fast as they could, forgetting their winter equipment. They drove away into the blinding snowstorm, and Jade and G were quickly seperated from the group, lost, in the snow with now winter jacket, stuck in a withering blizzard.

Do'H! Shoulda remembered the coats! Will they survive the blizzard? Or am I going to be a jerk and end the story here? And who was the mystery man who helped them in the caves? Who knows? Tune in next time to find out!

[Thunderpants1]

Again, I continue my story. I want to get as much written down before I go back to school.


After barely escaping from the cave with their lives, Jade and G were seperated from the rest of the group in the witewash blizzard without any winter gear to sustain them. "We arent gonna last long if we dont find shelter! Lets move!" G said, and they drove off on their snowmobile down the mountain. The cold took its toll, as they made their way speeding down the slope, the ice nipping at their faces and limbs.

They hit a hard bump on the slope and their vehicle flipped, throwing them off. "Are you all right?" G asked Jade. "I think so," she replied. "Well, theres got to be some survival gear in this thing! Help me out!" G said. They wrenched the seat off the wreck, and found thermal blankets and flares. "Not much," G said. "Itll have to do!" Jade replied. They quickly wrapped themselves in the blankets and grabbed the flairs. They then continued on foot, slowly making their way down. The cold was becoming unbearable for both of them, and their steps wavered. Jade felt faint and disoriented. "Are ya all right, Jade?" G asked. "Yeah, Im fine..." Jade slowly replied. Little to their knowledge, they were both entering the first stages of hypothermia. They shook uncontrollably from the cold for some time. Jade was the first to stop shivering; her body was giving up on attempting to reheat itself. As they progressed, she slowly started to lose her grip on reality. G looked back and saw her weaving in and out in a zig zaging pattern. "Jade! Hold up!" He screamed back. "Stay with me, Jade!" he continued. "Im fine, Im fine..." she said back. "Are ya sure?" G questioned. "Yeah, lets keep goin'" she replied. They continued on. G was starting to show the same symptoms, when Jade collapsed. "JADE! JADE!" he yelled to no avail. He took off his blanket and wrapped it around Jade, and attempted to carry her. He was too weak to do this properly, so he slung her arm around his shoulder and did the best he could to drag her. He didnt make it far until he had to rest. He collapsed to his knees, ready to give up.

After sitting there for less than a minute, a figure, clad in white, made its way towards them. It was the man from the caves, back to help them. "You... are you the guy from-" Marcus said, interrupted by a harsh 'shh' from the ski-masked soldier. He leaned over to G and whispered "Alpha Sections and Arjuunese Imperial Guards. Three hundred meters at six o'clock!" G couldnt believe what he heard; they had been followed. Luckily the storm had blocked them from view. He quickly cradled the unconcious Jade in his arms and led G down the slope. He walked down directly to what looked to be an old abandoned shed. He brought Jade and G inside, laying Jade down on a bed and sitting G in a chair. He immeadeatly went to work setting a fire. Once the fire was going, he put some slabs of rock in it and started to heat up some snow to make water. He poured some cold water and some hot water in two different pails, and took G's shoes off. Surely enough, his feet had frostbite. "I want you to put your feet in the hot water for ten minutes, then put them in the cold for another ten. Keep on with that cycle until your feet get normal feeling back," The tired trooper wheezed to G. He took out the rocks from the fire, and went to work on Jade. He put two rocks in her armpits and two in her groin. He then soaked a towel in warm water. He lifted up Jades shirt and unzipped her pants and brought them down an inch, exposing her belly, and layed the soaked towel on her stomach. "Heh, pink undies. All right. Drink some of this, and change that towel on her when it gets cold. Ill be outside, guarding the door," the soldier said, handing G a warm drink and walking out of the door.

Jade was in the midst of a terrifying dream. She was in a white room with a single door leading out. As she made her way for the door it dissapeared, and a maniacal cackling laughter filled the air. The walls soon ran red with blood dribbling down their sides, puddling on the floor. The walls soon started closing in, and the laughter became all the more intense. Just as she was to be crushed by the walls, the dream changed. She was back at the lighthouse in the midst of the Alpha Sections attack when they captured the children. No matter what she did, she had no effect on what was happening. Then, as she watched the Alphas ship leave, she turned around and saw General Kheck, laughing heartily, with an evil looking Thunderpants standing by his side, cackling with him. Then Jade woke up.

"Jade! Youre all right!" G said. "Yeah... thanks."She replied. "Dont thank me, thank the guy that saved us," G said back. "Who? Who saved us?" She asked. "Hes right outside-"G said as the soldier burst in the door and stamped out the fire. "Quick! My snowmobile is outside! Take it and get the hell out of here! Theyre coming!" He frantically whispered. "Who?" Jade asked. "Alphas and Imperial Guards! They followed us!" G replied.

Outside, about 150 meters from the cabin, the evil figure standing next to Kheck in Jades dreams said "Get the girl! I dont care about the other two!" And with that, the Alphas and Guards moved in. A Thunderpants clone was leading the attack. The Extra Villianous and Ingeniously Ludicris clone system was designed for the Alphas and DomZ by the dastardly evil scientist Dr. Brakezurballz, who was later executed to keep the programs intracacies secret. EVILPants was the first succesful EVIL clone created. Just as the Alphas and Guards moved in, shots rang out from the cottage and mowed down three of them.

Jade and G got on the snowmobile and called out for the soldier. "Come on! Get over here!" Jade yelled to him. "We gotta go!" G added. The soldier just turned to face them and screamed a single word: "GOOOOOOOO!" And kept on fighting. Jade and G hesitated a bit before zipping off. Then they began their daring descent. Along the way, they were hounded by Alphas on snowmobiles ambushing them at passes and chasing after them, and Alpha ships harrasing them from the air. They went under rock formations, off big jumps, through collapsing trees, and over massive explosions, zigzagging their way through a forest that seemed to come alive with lazer blasts; the very ground was roaring to life with the explosions, taking on the properties of a massive, vile creature trying to swallow them whole. They were soon met by Double H and Peyj. "Where have ya been! Weve been looking for you!" Peyj said as they joined in in the great snowmobile chase. Marcus and Kiera soon found them. "Hey, whydya start the party without us?" Kiera asked, and soon three snowmobiles were zipping around down the mountain, evading a maelstrom of enemy fire. Near the base the milita had been rallied when news of the Alphas presence on the planet had reached their ears. The three snowmobiles zipped behind their lines and the Alphas were met with a wall of weapons fire, and retreated.

"OHHH! LEAVIN SO SOON< AH WE?" Lynx taunted the Alphas as they retreated. "Yeah, they fohgot theah pink tutus to go to battle with!" Another man chimed in. "Aye, leave it to a bunch o sissies to fight like that!" yet another man added. Soon the air was full of taunts like "They needed special suits built so they could revel in the smell of theah own fahts!" and others like it. Jade looked at G and smiled; G smiled back, and they laughed. "Howdya like that for a rescue?" Kiera asked. "We were like BAM! And they were like 'Oh, please dont hurt us' and we were like nope gotta," she added. "We were swift and quick at the same time!" Marcus added. "You guys were great," Jade said. "I hope that guy who saved us up there is all right..." G said. "What guy?" Kiera asked. "Some soldier guy, came and saved us from a cold, painful death," G said. "He also gave up his snowmobile so we could escape," Jade added. "Something seemed kinda familiar about him, though..." she continued. "Well, dont you worry about that fella, well find him soonah oah latah," Lynx said. "Foah now, lets all go get us a drink and celebrate!" he added.

Back at the bar, Lynx asked Jade over to a small table. "Since Pants is gone, I figuah youd best get this to his family, wheahevah they may be," Lynx said, and handed her an mDisk. "What is it?" Jade asked. "Its a few last wohds to his family back home weah he is from," he replied. "Ill do my best," Jade said. "He left messages to everyone who evah had an affect on his life theah. It would mean alot to us if you could get it back to his folks, if theyah still alive," Lynx added. "I will do whatever it takes," Jade replied. "Thank ye, and good luck on youah adventuahs," Lynx added.

Jade inserted the mDisk with the map in it into Peyjs armputer, and the map pieced together where they needed to go next: The planet called Aridia, a desert planet. They loaded up into the beluga and headed off.

"Whoever that upstart soldier was, I want him! Dead or alive!" EVILPants said back on the mountain. "I am headed to Aridia to meet our friends there. If you do not find that soldier, it will be your heads!" He said to his subordinates, red, ultra evil eyes glowing, as he boarded his dropship. As his dropship rose up, it revealed the mystery soldier, who was standing right behind it. "Temper, temper! Maybe a soothing stomach lozenge, or maybe a relaxing trip to the spa would do him some good," the soldier said; he subsequently took out the two Alphas standing there and stole their dropship, and headed towards Aridia.

Oh noes!!!1 EVILPants is headed for the planet that Jade is heading for that the Mystery Soldier is heading for! I smell a thrilling confrontation!

[Denden666Piek]

All I can say is: Nice!!! It is becoming a bit more serious now, the story remains a good one.

[Thunderpants1]

I had to do fisherman planet; I live in New England, I was born here, I grew up here. right along the coast. I got my boating liscence before my driving one, and I am waist deep in snow on an annual basis. As for hypothermia, let me tell you now: IT AINT FUN!


Now onto an enviornment I know absolutly nothing about: TEH DESERT! I dunno, if I were trapped in the desert, Id end up dead. But thats not what the story is about, now then, is it? I should get right back to writing before I run out of Saturday night to do it with! Once again, I must warn you to avoid the story if you are weak. Enjoy!


The Beluga landed on Aridia in Oasis City. They dismounted the vehicle and saw a bustling clay metropolis, with people dressed in arabian robes crowding the streets, wodden hovercars flying overhead, people riding on desert lizards, markets selling all kinds of trinkets, clothing, and food, and men armed with long rifles standing on parapets overlooking the pulsating mass of people. "What does it say about this place in the log?" Peyj asked Jade. "It says its ruled by many different chiefs, sultans, and clerics; they generally get along, but theyre wary of outsiders," Jade replied. "We had best watch our backs. We need to contact the IRIS operation here to get the information we need," Double H said.

Jade and company went out to find someone who could help them find the IRIS den on the planet. They asked around, but nobody seemed to know what they were talking about. Then an old man overheard them. "Are you looking for IRIS?" he asked. "Yes, we are! Do you know where they are?" Jade asked him. "Oh, yes! I work for them! They told me to go looking for some outsiders, led by a young lady named Jade. Would that be your name, miss?" The old man asked. "Yes, it is," she replied. "Oh! This is wonderful! Weve been looking for you for quite some time, now!" The old man said as he led them down an alley. He stopped in the middle of the desserted alley, turned around, and said "This is where our relationship ends!Good bye!" and dissapeared into thin air. Then DomZ monsters struck from above while four Alphas came around blind corners, trapping them.

"Thats great, lets rumble!" Kiera said, pulling out her cutlass. They engaged the Alphas and DomZ in brutal close combat, defeating them all, but another wave came in, twice as strong. After they defeated that, a third, even stronger wave attacked. After defeating them, they got on their guard for another wave. But just then a little kid tugged on Jades shirt and said "This way! Quickly!" and led them off down another alleyway. "In here, hurry!" he said. He rushed them into a small window, which led to the IRIS den.

"It is a great honor to meet you, miss Jade. We have waited many moons for you to come visit us!" The commander, an old bearded man with long, dirty robes and a white turban said to her. "Where did those Alphas come from?" G asked. "They have been sporadically visiting, but never entering the city. This is indeed strange," The commaqnder answered. "They are getting more bold. The local chieftain doesnt know what to do, so he has asked of our help. We have done the best we can, but they still manage to enter the city walls," he continued. "But, on to the purpose of your visit. We have heard of subcommander Hahns plan to overrun the Alphas home planet with the use of these maps. We have tracked an energy signature that matches your maps deep in the old palace of the Great Sultan, who ruled over the entire planet in an era of peace, many hundreds of years ago. But beware, for merciless raiders plague the deserts, and the desert herself can be a ferocious foe," the commander said. "Beyond the desert there is a canyon. in the canyon on a high mountain you will find the palace. but beware, for no one has returned from the palace alive since the death of the Great Sultan. We do not know of what dangers you may find within the walls," the commander added. "Thank you, we will do what we can," Jade said. "I have taken the liberty of having some camels readied for your great caravan into the wild. Treat them with care; they are my pride and joy. Beautiful animals, they are!" the commander said, and they went outside to get their camels.

They left the walls of the city as soon as they could. Jade and G rode next to eachother, and talked. "So, you never told me your life story," Jade said. "Well, theres not much to tell. Ive been working for IRIS since I was eleven; my parents were killed by a DomZ meteor then..." G replied. "Oh, I didnt know. Im sorry," Jade said. "What for? Its not your fault. Anyway, theyd send me on little factfinding missions like the one you went on, or on sabotauge missions to hold back the DomZ and the Alphas. But nothing as big as this mission," He continued. "Well, you certainly sell yourself short, G," Jade replied. "Youve been fighting for nine years, and you say there isnt much to tell!" she added. "Well, everything Ive done has been nothing compared to this. I mean, I hadnt made a friend quite like you on any of these other missions," G replied. Jade smiled and blushed a bit. "G, have you ever been in love?" Jade asked. G hesitated. "Why do you ask?" He questioned. "No reason..." Jade replied. "Well, howabout you? You ever been in love?" G asked. "Well, kinda, once, but it was more of just a crush, nothing big. Ill tell ya about it later," Jade replied. "What? Something happen?" G asked. "Well, its just a bit embarrasing..." Jade answered.

Jade backed up to talk to Double H. "Uh, hey, H, um, I know this is kinda wierd, but, do you have any guy advice?" Jade asked sheepishly. "Of course! What do you need to know? Firearms? Sports? Alchaholic beverages? Bodily gas contests?" Double H replied. "No, no, not like that, I mean like the other kind," Jade said, motioning at G. "Oh, I see! Well, Im no expert at that. Why dont you ask Marcus or Kiera? Theyre right back there," Double H said. "Good idea! Ill ask them!" Jade said. Peyj, who interrupted, siad "Jade, I know you dont think of me as very romantic, but I will say not to change who you are." "Yes, always be yourself. Because if your not yourself, who are you>" Double H added. "Thanks," Jade replied, and went back to talk to Kiera and Marcus.

She got back to Kiera and marcus, and they were side by side having a thumb war. "Oh, uh, am I interrupting something?" she asked. "No, nothing! Whadya need?" Marcus asked. "Well, I was hoping maybe you could guys could give me some guy advice," Jade said. Marcus said "Oh really? Well, to win a farting compitetion, you gotta prepare at least a half an hour before, if not more, with high fiber foods li-" Kiera interrupted. "God, youre gross. Im pretty sure she ment something else. Whatya need?"
"Well, how do you know what a guy is thinking, and how do you know what he feels?" Jade asked. "Simple! Listen to the noises his stomach makes!" Marcus said. "Or ya could pull his finger!" Kiera said. Jade leaned back a bit and gave a concerned look. "Just kidding. Trust me, you can tell if hes trying to hide his feelings. They cant bury their emotion forever," Kiera said. "Why? Ya have a certian somebody in mind?" she added. "What would make you think that?" Jade said with a smile. "So I still dont know how you met Marcus," Jade said. "Well, its a long story. It all comes down to him being dared to sneak into my room in the palace a while back by his dumb friends, us meeting, and him continuing to do so," Kiera said. "I am a ninja, I know," Marcus added on. "So you snuck into a heavily guarded royal palace, met a princess, and kept visiting her in seceret. Sounds like some sort of fairy tale," Jade said. "Well, almost. 'Cause were here, and Arjuun is under the opression of an evil emperor..." Kiera said, with the slightest hint of despair.

They came upon the great canyon, and slowly snaked their way through the bottom. Small pebbles fell down all over the place, echoing across the dark brown walls. No one was talking now; they couldnt help but feel like they were being watched. Jade got up next to G, and got in close. They moved deeper int the canyon, seeing dark shapes suddenly dissapear behind the rocks. Then, when they got to a place where the slope was shallow, they looked up and saw a single rider, he and his horse a black shape against the sky. He unsheathed a sword, raised it over his head, and soon hundreds of horsemen joined him. "We gotta get out of here! Now!" G said. "Lets get away before they decide to pay a visit!" Peyj quickly added. The horsemen came streaming down the slope, occaisonal rifle shots cracking through the air. The camels were sped to a gallop, and ther made there way through the canyon as best they could. Marcus returned fire with his assult rifle, taking down the occaisonal rider, and Jade used her disk glove to fend them off. Everything was going all right and the horsemen seemed to be slowing down, but then G was grazed in the shoulder by a lucky shot. His camel was then shot out from under him, and he fell to the ground. "G! Im coming!" Jade yelled, as she took out her Daijo staff and charged at the mass of riders that was surrounding G. She fought them off with her Daijo, and helped G onto the camel. They raced forwards, finding that the rest of their caravan had followed them back. The met up and tried to go forward, but by then the canyon was filled, and they were stopped at rifle and sword point.

"This isnt good..." Jade said, as a rider approached her. "You cannot go forward! You will only find death in that palace!" He said. "We have to go, there is no choice!" Jade said. "The only thing you can find there is evil, and should you return, you will bring that evil back with you!" The rider replied. "We cant just leave without getting what we need from in there! It couldhelp us shorten the war!" Jade said. "Shorten it, yess, but in whos favor?" The rider ominously questioned. "We will not impede your approach any further, but heed my words! All you will discover in there is your own doom!" The rider declared, and with that, they all disappeared into the canyon. There was a single rider, up on the canyon wall, that they did not see, though, who was following them. "What do you think he mean?" G asked. "The DomZ have probably already visited, and with that map in there, who knows what else," Jade answered. "Come on. Lets get a move on," She said, and they continued their way into the ancient palace.

[Thunderpants1]

Still no interest? Hmm, what would Brian Boitano do in this situation?

[Denden666Piek]

Whoa, that was an evil post, Thunderpants, number 666. I'd say, just blame Canada!

[Thunderpants1]

What can I say? Its not my fault that Im so evil, its society. SOCIETY!

[Lynx-0-]

So if we've all had evil posts if we're 667+ posts... then Denden is constantly evil by name! I knew he'd be the one to control the earth all along, by being silent about it all this time!

[Thunderpants1]

Okeay, I think Ive waited long enough to post a bit o' content for my awful, nigh unreadable story. Im going back to school in 8 days, and when Im over there Im probably not going to have all this time to post my nonsense.

Anyway...
Jade and the gang made their way up a winding path to the top of the canyon where the palace was. They got to the top and dismounted their camels, and looked up at the massive structure. "Amazing!" Jade said. "Who would build something like this?" G wondered. "Someone with a lot of money, a lot of servants, and not much concern for the welfare of the workers," Marcus said. They proceeded towards the main gate, which was jammed shut. "How are we going to get in?" Kiera asked. No one answered. Jade then saw something out of the corner of her eye.

It was a small furry animal, big baby eyes, golden fur, four legs, little paws, essentially the most sickeningly cute animal they had seen up to this point in the game. "Aww, its so cute!" Jade said. "Careful, its probably got a mouthful of teeth," Peyj said. Jade picked one up and started petting it; it just started cooing back at her. "...Okeay, no teeth..." Peyj noted. The little thing rolled onto its back while being cradled in Jades arms. Jade snuggled it, and it made a little giggling noise. Jade let it go; it pranced around a bit, acting cute, when a massive bird of prey snatched it up and dragged it into the sky, making shrill, ear piercing screams that were quickly silenced by sharp talons. Marcus s******ed and said "Wow! That sucks!" and G couldnt help but laugh a bit as well. (What? You think Id just throw in a sickeningly cute n' cuddly scene involving rediculously cute animals and two pounds of syrup and sugar without a miraculously sadistic end to the proceedings? You dont know me!).

The minor commotion stirred up its companions, who came out of a tunnel next to the surrounding wall. They perched up on their hind legs and looked around in an alert fashion, and zipped back into their tunnel. "Wait! They made a tunnel!" Kiera said. "Aye! Captain Obvious strikes again!" Marcus said in a British accent. "Shut up! We could use the tunnel to get inside!" Kiera snapped back. They used the tunnels to get inside the Palace grounds, and approached the front door. It was also jammed, but there were windows into the basement.

They used the windows, and got inside. The palace was pitch black inside. The moved a few steps, though, and a bunch of torches lit up spontaniously, with no apparent trigger. "That was a bit freaky," Kiera said. They moved forwards, each going to a different door. After going through the doors in their respective groups, trap doors opened underneath G, Peyj, and Marcus, and everyone was alone.

Jade proceeded with caution, rooms lighting up as she proceeded. She eventually ran into Kiera, quite literally. They both jumped back and drew weapons. "Oh! Its you!" Kiera said. "Sorry, ya scared me," Jade replied with relief. "Yeah, you got me good, too," Kiera said back. They then moved on as a group, solving puzzles along the way, and hearing strange noises from within the palace. They got into a room that had a circular disc of floor suspended by two bridges over a precipice when the doors shut and the bridges retracted. The ring filled with fire, and ghost-like enemies materialized right in front of them. They fought a few of these things for the room to return to normal. "Aww, yeah! Nuthin ta stop us!" Kiera said. "I can see why you get along so well with Marcus," Jade said to her. "Well, yeah! All the prince charmings were sissies!" Kiera replied. "I dont doubt it," said Jade with a smile.

They continued on, fighting more random animals who had taken up residence, as well as some more supernatural enemies, until they met with Peyj and Double H, who had found one another. "Peyj! Double H! How ya doin?" Jade asked. "Well, if you consider the hoards of ghosts we had to fight to get up to this point, were doing fine," Peyj grumbled. They went further, using Peyj and Double H's special abilities to progress in tandem; for example, they came upon a door that needed Peyj to Jet Boot it partially open and Double H to bum rush the rest, or to launch Jade over a wall so she could open a drawbridge to a gate that Double H could crash open. They moved along like this until they came upon an area where they overheard G and Marcus talking.

"...he started acting up, so I punched him in the face!" Marcus said. "You need to learn a little tact," G replied. "How so? What brilliant tips have you got?" Marcus asked. "Well, to resolve the arguement you just told me about, Id have a completley different arguement with him. No one messes with the crazy guys," G said. "Heh, I didnt think you were able to think that stuff up," Marcus said. "Why not?" G asked. "Because you seem to constantly be enamored with Jade," Marcus replied. "Hey, you cant tell me you dont think shes awesome," G said. Jade blushed when she heard that. "No, Im not saying that, Im just saying that you cant seem to take your eyes off of her when shes around," Marcus replied. "Well, I cant help it. Shes smart, shes funny, shes most assuredly beautiful, shes assertive... she just rocks," G declared. "Well, why not you act on it? You definitely have had your share of chances," Marcus said. "...Heh, were real men, we can talk about our feelings," G said, and they dissapeared.

"Jade, dont even think it! You remember last time you got all twiterpated?" Peyj said preemptively. "Yeah, but hes different! Hes much more sincere, and you heard him talking!" Jade said back. "Why, what happened?" Kiera asked. "Im not gonna give out details, buts lets just say it ended in tears. For the rest of the night. Until she cried herself to sleep." Peyj said. "Oh, come on! I got back at him, and her!" Jade protested. "Well, the payback was pretty satisfying, but it had absolutly nuthin to do with you being heartbroken and keeping us up until three in the mornin'," Peyj replied, and that was that. They proceeded, but Jade asked Kiera "You see in him what I do, right?" and Kiera said "Definitely."

They met up with Marcus and G in a long central hallway which led to a large atrium, lit up by the desert sun. Held up on a pedistal with mysterious alien technology, like what they saw in the cave on Aridia, was an mDisk with the map on it. "Now be careful, Jade. Theres no doubt some sort of guardian for this map, as well," Peyj said. "Okeay, cover my back," Jade said back. She snagged up the mDisk, but before she could leave the pedistal rose up in a gigantic, five story beast. She was flung off the top and sent carrening into the floor. To defeat the monster, Jade had to climb up it, destroying several weak points on the way, getting whacked at by the large, unforgiving beasts arms made completley out of wood, dirt, and grass. When she made it to the top, all she had to do was stick the Daijo into its eye. The beast came collapsing down, as did the atrium with it. They ran out through the hall to the main doorway as fast as they could, which swung open. They ran through the doors, and out the main gateway.

They took their camels towards the canyon when an amazing sandstorm whipped up right in front of them. They couldnt see a thing. Suddnely their camels got knocked out from under them. Everyone but Jade was beaten senseless by the unseen enemy, and laying on the ground. The storm cleared, and Jade was surrounded by Alpha Sections, led by none other than EVILPants. "Greetings, Miss Jade! Allow me to introduce myself! I am EVILPants, a superior clone of the deceased Thunderpants, and your captor! Tie her up and take her to the ship!" he said. Jade struggled at first when the dastardly EVILPants said "Dont resist, or great harm will come to your friends," with an evil smile, nasty black fangs bared. Jade stopped fighting it, and quietly resigned herself to her fate. She had ropes wrapped around her arms and waist, pinning them to her body, her hands were tied behind her back, and she was dragged away by the Alphas. "Gentlemen, dispose of the others!" He said maniacally. "No!" Jade screamed, being subsequently gagged by the Alphas, and dragged into the waiting dropship.

The Dropship ascended, and the Alphas took the others to an enclosed underground chamber, sealed it up, and slowly began to pump out the air. Then, out of the distance, shots rang out from a lone rider. His horse reared back and he raised his assult rifle over his head. He charged the Alphas, gun ablaze with automatic fire. He mowed down two of the ten there in the innital charge, dismounted his horse, and got right in the middle of them. He took some out with gunshots, others with a swift rifle butt to the gas tank. Before long, all the Alphas were laying on the ground around him; He unsealed the chamber and lowered a rope down. The others climbed up the rope. "Boy, are we glad to see you," G said. "Boy, are you a cliche numbnuts," the rider said. "Wait! I know who you are! The soldier from the mountain!" G said. "An excellent deduction," the rider said. He then began to distribute death cards to the ten enemies he had just felled. In the distance, he saw one of those rediculously, sickeningly cute animals. "Cute," he said. Then it got snagged up by another bird of prey. He s******ed and said "Wow, thats a bummer! Just sucked all the fun out of my day!" He continued "All right, everyone into the Alpha Dropship, were getting out of here." G openly protested. "Wait a minute! We have to rescue Jade! We cant just leave her! Who are you?" he yelled. The rider removed the robes around his face, revealing who he was. "...unbelievable," Marcus said. "And dont worry! It wouldnt be much of a rescue mission we were going on if we didnt go rescue somebody! Unbunch thine panties, good sir!" Thunderpants declared.

[Denden666Piek]

ROTFLOL, EVILpants! Dude, that's funny. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

[Thunderpants1]

You should see what I have planned for the thrilling confrontation between awesome and evil, Thunderpants being awesome and EVILPants being evil.

[Thunderpants1]

Ill get something up, eventually. Dont worry.

[Denden666Piek]

That's good news. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

[Thunderpants1]

Ive been kind of busy with school. Ill see what I can do later on.

[Thunderpants1]

All right, I think I can add some...

Pants saved them, or at least thats what G thought. He then woke up in a deep, dark pit, illuminated by torches. There, Marcus, Kiera, Peyj, and Double H stood around him. "How long have I been out?" he asked. "Three hours, maybe..." Marcus said. "Jade... is she..." he asked. "Gone, and were all dead," Peyj said. G slumped over, and let out a pained sigh. "There were so many things I wanted to say..." he said. "She was a friend to all of us," Marcus said. "There was more..." G said. They all sat around and moped a bit, the torches burning up what little air they had left. "So, what is going to get us first? Malnutrition, dehydration, or suffocation?" G asked. "Wanna start a bet?" Marcus returned. "All right, 30 units says suffocation," G said. And they all cast their bets and waited for the inevitable.

"I think we can call that bet off! Listen!" Kiera said. They all listened closley, and heard the sounds of battle raging above them. The sound grew more calamitous, the sound of hooves, clashing steel, and gunfire echoing against the walls. Soon, the amazing cacophony was over, and the sound of digging took over. A bright light shone through the celing, and ropes came down.

They climbed the ropes and found themselves surrounded by the desert riders. "You are very fortunate that we found you. These Alpha Sections are a scourge in the eyes of God, and destroy everything in their path," The leader said to them. "Thanks for helping us," G said. "We need to get back to our ship, one of ours has been captured," he continued. "Ah yes, the young woman. Her fate is indeed an unfortunate one. We can get you to the outskirts of the city, but we dare not enter, for within its walls, we are criminals." the leader said. "Thank you," G said to him. He turned to Peyj and Double H and said "Listen, we cant do this on our own. I need you guys to head back to Hyllis and gather up troops to meet us up. Were going to save Jade!" Peyj said "How? You dont even know where they took her!" to which G replied "There is a major Alpha Section prison colony on a planet close by. My money says shes there." "All right," Peyj said, "But you aint goin' alone! Marcus, Princess, go with him!" "Dont call me 'princess!'" Kiera protested. "Come on, your wonderfulness, weve got a new mission," Marcus said. And they made their way back to the city.

+++++++++++++++ON THE PLANET OF THISSUXIA+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Marcus, G, and Kiera were hiding behind a ridge looking at the massive prison colony. They hadnt seen Jade for three days.

Inside, Jade was being tortured on a daily basis, denied food and water, and being held in solitary confinement, hands chained against the cell door bars. A single point of light from outside shown down on her, preventing her from sleeping.

"Look, Pants even visited this colony!" G said, reading Pants' log. He had indeed infiltrated successfully and gotten a detailed map of the entire facility down. They noticed on the map that there was a single cell far seperated from the rest. "Thats where she is. Kiera, you and Marcus check there. Im going to the torture chamber." G said. With that they split up. After dodging a few patrols, G found the torture chamber, and Jade was indeed inside, being taunted by none other than EVILPants. "You know they will never show up! They are DEAD!" EVIL said. "Im not giving up!" Jade retorted. G drew ever closer to the scene. "VERY well! What shall we start with first, then? The Cattle Prod? Take your pick!" EVIL taunted. G drew even closer, ready to fight him and all the guards. Suddenly, one Alpha Guard spoke up. "Wait a minute, sir! Perhaps we could try something different! Howabout a soothing backrub?" The guard said. "...What?" EVIL asked in a vexed voice. "I could give her a deep tissue massage! Ive got all the proper lotions and som incense in my footlocker!" The guard continued. EVIL dropped the prod and marched right up to the guard. G, although confused, took advantage of the oppourtunity. While EVIL was barking at the guard, G snuck up behind Jade, who was tied up to a beam, and started to undo the ropes. "Shh! Its me," He said. Jade smiled as big as ever. When the ropes were undone, she leaped into his arms and embraced him. They stayed like that for a little while, before scurring off.

EVILPants turned around, and saw Jade was gone. He quickly turned back to face the guard, and got a big punch to the face. G and Jade witnessed this, and their jaws dropped. The guard took his helmet off, and revealed himself to be Thunderpants, thought dead for weeks. "IMPOSSIBLE!" EVIL said. "And now, for my next trick, the brain breaker!" Pants said, as he dropped his massive suit off and ran away. The suit then exploded, killing the rest of the guards. He appeared behind Jade and G, and casually said "Whatsup?"

[Denden666Piek]

Yeah man, this ROCKS!!! Thunderpants lives! *the crowd goes crazy* Now I'm happy. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Thunderpants1]

Urge to continue... rising...

Jade and G couldnt believe what had happened. Thunderpants had come back from the dead. "How..." G stammered. "...How, what?" Pants asked. "How... are you... you were dead!" G exclaimed. "I dont really reccomend it to those who are looking at that option, either. Not as fun as you would think," Pants said. "How are you alive?!" Jade asked. "Through the miracle of modern medicine!" Pants answered. They made their way out.

EVILPants was understandibly enraged. "You have all failed me for the LAST TIME!" he yelled. Darkness began to swirl around him, and those who survived the blast collapsed to their knees, as a deep oarnge light grew in the vortex of blackness. They all died soon thereafter. "You want something done right, ya gotta do it yourself!" EVILPants said to himself, as the demonic influence grew around the whole room, flesh growing on the walls, fire erupting from the floor.

"Ive got us a ride! Hes waiting at the landing pad! Well be outta here in no time flat!" Pants said. G said into the radio "Marcus, Kiera, regroup at the landing pad! Weve found her!" Marcus responded "We? Whos with you?!" G responded "Its Pants! Hes alive!" They made their way towards the landing pad when they came across a room with the same mysterious alien technology that was in the maprooms of the areas they had previously visited. Instead of a map, though, EVILPants was waiting for them.

"I suppose you thought that I would simply let you walk away from me, didnt you, my dear brother," EVIL said to Pants. "Well, yeah, actually," Pants said back. "You are a fool! I wont simply let my prize leave my keep!" EVIL said. "Well, maybe you should try your hand at the lottery. I hear the prize for that is 20 million units as of now," Pants said back. "You must think youre very funny, laughing in the face of your own inevitable doom," EVIL said to Thunder. "No, silly! Im laughing at how incredibly pretentious you are! You need to mellow out!" Pants teased. "Ive had enough! You have been a thorn in my side for too long! Now it is time for you to DIE!" EVIL said. Then he and Pants were elevated on a massive platform, the floor around it collapsed, Jade and G were locked in a firey prison cell, and flame poured out from beneath. The platform Pants and EVIL were on suddenly had a large oarnge glowing pentagram on it, and EVIL rose into the air. Four large arms with craggly hands came out from the flame, and stood menacingly over the two combatants. "This is what happens when you hire Satan as your interior decorator..." Thunderpants observed. "Prepare yourself for Hell, Desi!" EVIL said to Pants (whose real name is Desi, in case you forgot).

(Cue "ROB ZOMBIE- SUPERBEAST) The battle started. Thunderpants had to shoot down his evil clone, destroy the hand things, dodge the hand things slapping down on him, avoid EVILs energy blasts shaped liked horned human skulls with fangs and trailing fire, and when EVIL was on the ground with him, his weapon was jammed by EVILs powers of malice, so he had to use it as a club to fight hand to hand with his enemy. When EVIL was close to death, he used his magic to fling the gun into the fire, so Pants used his K Bars, one from his pistol belt, one strapped around his boot, to finish his nemesis off. When EVIL died he burst into flames, raised about twenty feet into the air, and exploded in a shockwave. The fire died, and the room was back to normal. Out of the explosion, a small mDisk fell, containing another map shard. Jade and G ran up to Pants, who was covered in black soot, walking around a little wobbily, and coughing. "That was amazing!" G said. "Are you all right?!" Jade asked. "Fine... just peachy," Pants said sarcasticly.

A short man came running out through a door. "Pants, mate! The other two are already on their ship! Were waiting for you!" He said. "Jade, G, meet Sev Cavera. Hes an Austrailian merc," Pants said. "No, no, mate! You mean 'Furion'" Sev protested. "Uh, no, Im pretty sure youre an Aussie," Pants said. "But look at my BLADES!" Sev objected. "Sev, those are sharpened boomarangs!" Pants retorted. "Whatever, mate. Lets just get goin!" Sev said, and they went to the shuttle. They got to the shuttle, piloted by none other than Lynx. "All right, ya landlubbahs! All aboahd!" he said, with enemy fire coming in from all directions. Pants layed down covering fire, and they all got on board and left.

General Kheck was watching from a distant battleship as they escaped, and as the Hyllian forces called in by Peyj and Double H attacked the prison. "Perfect. That fool of a clone has served his purpose. Now, they just need to find the last piece, and everything will fall into place!" he said, and he started lauging maniacally.

[Denden666Piek]

Originally posted by Thunderpants1:
A short man came running out through a door. "Pants, mate! The other two are already on their ship! Were waiting for you!" He said. "Jade, G, meet Sev Cavera. Hes an Austrailian merc," Pants said. "No, no, mate! You mean 'Furion'" Sev protested. "Uh, no, Im pretty sure youre an Aussie," Pants said. "But look at my BLADES!" Sev objected. "Sev, those are sharpened boomarangs!" Pants retorted. "Whatever, mate. Lets just get goin!" Sev said, and they went to the shuttle. They got to the shuttle, piloted by none other than Lynx. "All right, ya landlubbahs! All aboahd!" he said, with enemy fire coming in from all directions. Pants layed down covering fire, and they all got on board and left. That's priceless!!! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I had some big laughs with this part.

[Thunderpants1]

And now, I continue my epic saga. Again, I must warn those with weak constitutions, executive branches, judiciary branches, legistlative branches, and donut shops to spray themselves in the eye with mace, so as to avoid accidental enjoyment.

The Beluga came aside Lynxs ship and opened a communications link. "Pants?! Hes alive?!" Marcus said over the comms. "Do I sound dead to you?" Pants returned. "But...how?!?!" Kiera said. "We saw you die!" she continued. "You saw me get shot. You never saw me die," Pants said back. "But... you were shot through the heart!" Jade remarked in disbelief. "That was my chest. Not neccicarily my heart," Pants explained. "No one could have survived the punishment you took, man. How are you still alive?" G demanded. "Alright! Ill tell ya! The vest Im wearing has a small number of nanobots that inject into the bloodstream when a soldier is hit. They repair damage and sustain wounded troops until a medic can provide treatment. Some of the rebels came after the raid was done and dragged me out. Technically, I did die, at least twice, but I got reccesitated by the bots," Pants said.

"Okeay, now that that little question has been answered, we can go to the next map location, a planet called 'Neelden,' completley covered in jungle. Ive got somebody waiting for us there, already," Pants said. "How many places have you been?" Jade asked. "Enough to accomplish our current objectives," Pants replied.

Just then, Imperial and Alpha Sec fighters swarmed them. "INCOMING, SIX O'CLOCK!" Lynx said. "Jade! Man the turret! hold them off!" Pants said. This leads into a turret minigame with you shooting down enemy ships all over the place as you escape the planets atmosphere. After a bit of shooting, Pants says "Wait a minute! You have my sentimental goodbye mDisk! Toss it here!" "What good is that gonna do us?" G asked. "Just give it here!" Pants ordered. Jade gave him the disk, and he inserted it into the central computer console. It started to play the goodbye message that Pants recorded for his family when Pants pressed some keys, and the message stopped. He pressed a few more, and the fighters attacking them started flying erratically, crashing into eachother, engines turning off, and spinning out of control. "Heh heh, gets 'em every time..." Pants said. "What was that?!" G asked. "Just a little computer virus I transmitted to our friends, they have yet to figure it out!" Pants said. From there on out, their flight was uneventful.

++++++++++++ON THE PLANET NEELDEN++++++++++++

The two ships touched down softly in the jungle, and the occupants dismounted. Kiera and Marcus couldnt believe their eyes when they saw Pants walking around like nothing happened, but there was no time to talk. A young man came out of the jungle in boonie gear with an old wooden stock rifle slung on his right shoulder. "Pants, good t' see ya! I was startin ta worry!" he said. "Guys, meet Jericho McCoy. My man in the jungle," Pants said. "Got anything new?" Pants asked. "Well, theres a bit of tension between the monkey people and the lion people, presumedly over some massive alien tech kiosk that just reciently popped up. I cant get much more out of the locals, as theyre getting feral," Jericho said. "Heh, feral. I get it! Funny!" Pants said mockingly. "Hey, Im trying, here! Give me a little slack!" Jericho said. "I gave ya slack when that picture of you with the magic marker on your face showed up on the internet. I gave ya slack when that picture of you half naked with cheap 5 dollar sunglasses on your ugly mug with the starfish on your shoulder got posted. I aint cuttin' you any more slack," Pants said. Jade laughed at this. "Hey, when your stuck alone in a forward operations point in the jungle, you gotta find ways to entertain yourself," Jericho said. "Jeez, and ya thought I was screwy! Ya got those supplies I asked for?" Pants asked. "Everything you guys need, I got," Jericho said. "All right. To the FOP!" Pants said.

*Batman homage with dededelelelele and big ubisoft sign*

At the FOP, Pants grabbed some rations, grenades, water, and extra ammunition. He also grabbed a bathing suit, some marshmellows, chocolate bars, and crackers. "Whats all that for?" Jade asked. "Incase things go better than expected. Im planning for all contingencies, here!" Pants said. Jade and G exhcanged a look and a laugh.

They headed out into the jungle, past several landmarks, like trees, more trees, and more trees. They eventually came upon a temple, with the walls covered in ancient glyphs. Jade took some pictures to analyze later when they were ambushed by lion people wielding pointy sticks. Jade raised her staff, along with G, Marcus brought up his rifle, and Kiera readied her sword. Pants just looked at them, and said "Cool it, fellas! Were here to get to the bottom of youre problems," the lion people leader straightened up and said. "Well, jeez!Why didnt ya say so?" and all the lion people lowered their pointy sticks. "Hey, you guys know me! Im your bud! Why were ya trying to kill me?" Pants asked. "Dont worry, if we wanted ya dead, we wouldave shot ya by now," the leader said, pointing to the lion sniper in the tree giving them the thumbs up. "Jeez, you guys are up in arms, arent ya?" Pants said. "Well, Im sure you can figure this out," the leader said. Then he radioed up to his command center. "Command, Felix 1-6. Weve met with Victor 1-6 and are bringing him home, over." "Roger, Felix 1-6. Have him report to me immeadeatly. Out" the command center relayed back. "Okeay, boys and girls, to the village we go! Weve been looking for a reason to get drunk, and you guys showing up is good enough for me!" the leader said.

[Thunderpants1]

No interest in the latest segment?

[Denden666Piek]

Of course there is. But what should I say besides the fact that I like your last update every bit as much as the other ones? Just so you know, I read every update, just like with all of the other stories.

[Jerichowilks]

Originally posted by Thunderpants1:



The two ships touched down softly in the jungle, and the occupants dismounted. Kiera and Marcus couldnt believe their eyes when they saw Pants walking around like nothing happened, but there was no time to talk. A young man came out of the jungle in boonie gear with an old wooden stock rifle slung on his right shoulder. "Pants, good t' see ya! I was startin ta worry!" he said. "Guys, meet Jericho McCoy. My man in the jungle," Pants said. "Got anything new?" Pants asked. "Well, theres a bit of tension between the monkey people and the lion people, presumedly over some massive alien tech kiosk that just reciently popped up. I cant get much more out of the locals, as theyre getting feral," Jericho said. "Heh, feral. I get it! Funny!" Pants said mockingly. "Hey, Im trying, here! Give me a little slack!" Jericho said. "I gave ya slack when that picture of you with the magic marker on your face showed up on the internet. I gave ya slack when that picture of you half naked with cheap 5 dollar sunglasses on your ugly mug with the starfish on your shoulder got posted. I aint cuttin' you any more slack," Pants said. Jade laughed at this. "Hey, when your stuck alone in a forward operations point in the jungle, you gotta find ways to entertain yourself," Jericho said. "Jeez, and ya thought I was screwy! Ya got those supplies I asked for?" Pants asked. "Everything you guys need, I got," Jericho said. "All right. To the FOP!" Pants said.

*Batman homage with dededelelelele and big ubisoft sign*




I laughed so hard I cried. I had tears from my face. Oh man.

Dude, I'm so giving you an award. I don't know yet, but you'll see soon enough. Heh heh.. You ALL WILL SEE!!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/784.gif

[Thunderpants1]

Dont worry, Ive got plenty more up my sleeve. There are indeed others who are just begging to be made a mockery of in this part of the story.

[Thunderpants1]

Once they got to the village, which looked like the ewok village, they were taken to the chiefs hut, which happened to be the most opulent of them all.

"Mr. Pants! Its good to see you again!" the chief said. "Thankya' Big Kahuna! Good to be back!" Pants replied. "You couldnt have come at a better time! The monkeys are trying to take what is clearly ours!" the chief said. "The massive extraterrestrial structure that erupted out of the ground?" Pants asked. "It showed up clearly in our territory! Its ours!" the chief said. "Im being rude. Who are your friends here? You didnt introduce them!" the chief continued. "Chief, meet Jade, the real brains behind the operation here, G, her boy-toy, Marcus, the itchy trigger finger, and Kiera, the daughter of the true king of Arjuun," Pants said. "Its nice to meet you all, and Im sure you could help us out. Were holding a competition of skill and strengh between the two villages to determine who has control. Perhaps you could all compete for us?" the chief said. "Well, what does this competition entitle?" Pants asked.

The answer was a massive skate park, skateboards, and cheering fans. Jade was ill at ease. "Oh boy. This looks like fun," she said sarcastically. "Hey, youve done it before. This is easy," Pants said. "Were all behind you," G added. And the competition started. The Tony Hawk controls return, and ten thousand points must be scored before time runs out. Jade completes this task easily, and the lion dudes win.

"Hey, that wasnt too bad, was it?" Pants asked. "I knew you could do it!" G added. The way is cleared to the massive structure. Jade goes in, taking G with her.

Inside, there was a few hallways with some puzzles to solve, and some miscilanious jungle wildlife to provide a bit of combat. It wasnt very intense, though, as they made their way to the middle. There they were met by a transparent human figure in strange Roman meets Aztec garb.

"Warning! Intruder detected! Activate primary defensive sequence!" a computer voice said. The human hologram dissapeared, and an entire section of wall came alive into a biped killer robot with a wierd stone statue face. To kill it the player has to hit the central core located in the chest section with a disk, and when it fell on the floor it had to be whacked in the face. After about three of these sequences with increased intensity of attacks coming from it, it is called back into the wall and the hologram reappears.

"My apologies for the attack. We had not fully analyzed your intentions," the young female figure said. "Analyzed our intentions?" Jade asked. "Yes. We scanned both of your minds and recieved a comprehensive analysis of what you intend to do with the shard we guard here?" the hologram replied. "Hold on. Whos 'we'?" G asked. "The computer programs and defense systems of this complex. 34,124 to be exact," the hologram replied. "How long have you been down here?" Jade asked. "10,016 years. It has been a long time since anyone came to visit," the hologram replied. "10,000 years..." Jade said. "Who put you here?" G asked. "The creators, sir. We were put here as part of a defensive bastion against the enemy," the hologram replied. "What enemy?" Jade asked. "The DomZ. They were once our servants, before they became the monsters that they are," the hologram said. "They were... servants to humans?!" Jade asked in suprise. "Affirmative. Their first attack was fended off 9,977 years ago, under the command of the warrior Shauni, and we made a map to their homeworld to keep them in check. However, it seems that our defenses broke down, and they are back," the hologram said. "Shauni..." Jade said. "Our bio-scans indicate that you are a ancestor of the great warrior who saved us the first time. However, our scanners are too primitive to get a full analysis," the hologram said. "We understand that you plan to end the enemies menace once and for all. Take the shard, use it as a weapon against the evil," the hologram said. They took the mDisk, and as they left, Jade turned around and said "Thank you... for everything..."

Outside, Thunderpants, Kiera, and Marcus awaited them. After telling the story of what happened within the structure, Pants said "Well thats a lot to take in in one day! Come on, lets go get drunk and party."

The lion people turned the Lion King ideal people have in their minds right on its ear. They proved themselves to be excellent party animals. They danced around in kilts, played bagpipes, and sang traditional drinking songs. Pants lit a huge bonfire and roasted marshmellows. Jade, who had donned a white, loose fitting dress thingy, was dancing with G. There were FAERIES flying around as well, downing pints left and right. "Hey, G, ya wanna get outta here, ya know, go for a walk on the beach or something?" Jade asked. "Yeah, lets ditch this joint!" G said back. Pants observed them leave, and quietly mad his exit, following them to wherever they were going, looking to cause some trouble.

[Denden666Piek]

Next to the great(although a bit silly sometimes, but I like silly)humor, it's also a good story. I hope you'll put something up soon again.

[Thunderpants1]

Ill get something up as soon as possible for all one of my loyal readers to enjoy.

[Thunderpants1]

Dont worry, its coming eventually. Stay tuned! Gunther commands you!http://www.gunthernet.com/gallery/4.jpg

[Thunderpants1]

The amazing adventure continues, gets a little mushy, and brings people together through the power of MUSIC!


Jade and G were walking alone down a sandy beach, chatting with one another. "So, you never told me about the first time you fell in love," G said. Jade blushed a bit and said. "Well, it wasnt really love, it was just a little crush, and it ended a bit badly," Jade said. "Oh, now youve done it! Youve piqued my interest," G joked. "Its nothing, really. Its not that interesting," Jade said. "Well, you did say you would tell me later, didnt ya?" G asked. "If you dont wanna talk about it..." G continued. "Hey, its not that painful. I just met this cute boy in high school, got a crush on him, and started acting all twiterpated. He saw this, and offered to take me to the prom," Jade said. "Sounds like fun," G said. "Well, not so much so. I found the best dress I could, went outside the lighthouse, and waited for him to arrive. He swung by in a limo, and he and another bimbo from school popped out the sunroof and waved at me. I was crying the whole night," Jade said. "Jeez, what bastards," G said. "Oh, dont worry. I got back at both of them. Peyj always said 'dont get mad, get even,' and I did," Jade said with a michevious smile. "What did you do?" G asked in a shaming tone. "I found his jock straps and sabotauged them with itchy powder, and I found her food tray and lightly sprinkled farting powder on her food. I made sure they were embarrased the entire day," Jade said. "Needless to say, it left a kind of bitter memory about hte whole love thing," Jade continued. "I can see why, getting stood up like that," G replied. "Yeah, but I think you might have helped me out of that rut," Jade said quietly. "What does that mean?" G asked. "What? Oh! Uh, nothing, I mean, uh, yeah, I gotta go to the bathroom," Jade said.

Thunderpants had settled down behind a tree, taken his fatigue blouse off, lit a fire for some light, and was using it as a mat for all of his rifle parts as he slowly cleaned the encrusted carbon off of each piece. Jade came walking down his way and came across him. "You dont really need to use the bathroom, do you?" Pants asked. "...no," Jade replied. "Nervous about something?" Pants asked. "Yeah, I guess you could say that," Jade replied. Pants continued cleaning his rifle, and said "Jade, I know what your afraid of, and I cant help ya much, I am not very experienced in that field. I will tell ya this though: My life has been one of missed oppourtunities and chances for happiness that will never come back again. Dont let that happen to you." "Im just afraid, ya know, of what he'll say," Jade replied. "Dont be. Its just as apparent in him as it is in you," Pants said. "He asked me for advice, even! I was like 'do I look like Mr. Matchmaker to you?' and he was like 'uh, no' and I was like 'then stop asking!'" Jade laughed at this. "Thanks, Pants! You are the best!" Jade said, about to go back when she stopped and turned to look at him again. "I never see you without that rifle in your hand," Jade said. "Its a big teddy bear for me," Pants said. "What about that teddy bear hanging out of your pocket?" Jade asked, pointing to a small toy bear hanging out of his pant cargo pocket. He reached for it, his hand hovered over it, he sighed, and went back to work. "Mr. Huggs isnt a teddy bear anymore, hes a killer," Pants said. "...how long have you been fighting?" Jade asked. Pants looked up, into the distance. The sounds of artillery falling around him, screaming, guns firing, the ever present subhuman communication of the Domz, the Alphas propaganda over massive loud speakers, pictures of his dead family members, all came rushing into his head. He choked back tears, looked down at his work, and said "long enough." Jade slowly backed away, and began to walk off, when Pants said "Dont be afraid! Tell him how ya feel!" and Jade said back "Dont worry, I will."

Pants went back to his work when some of the faerie thingies showed up with a bottle of absinthe. They said to Pants "Hey, dude! Wanna meet our buddy the green faerie?" "Naw, dudes. I dont like the feeling that stuff leaves ya with. I like being in control," Pants said back. "Come on dude!You were just talking about missed opportunities, well, youll never get the chance to get wasted on this ever again!" "Naw, but I do have a favor to ask of ya, ya see those two star struck lovers over there? Make sure something cute happens between them," Pants said. "What? Mr. Big Guns Bullets Everywhere is getting soft?" the faeries asked. "Yes, I am, if you must know, I do want them to be happy," Pants said.

Sev came running through the jungle to find Pants. "Aye, mate! We have ourselves a situation! All assets in the area are being mobilized!" He said. "Well, its a good thing you found me, Wonder from down under," Pants said. "Im telling ya, mate, Im a Furion Warrior!" Sev said back. "Ya mean the same way youre home is a bombed out colony loaded with pirates and criminals?" Pants asked. "Whose home isnt these days?" Sev asked. "And the same way youre an 'outcast?'" Pants continued. "Naw, I just use that one to pick up chicks," Sev said. "Exactly," Pants said. "Well, maybe it is just a thing, but it makes me feel better!" Sev said. "All right, lets just get to the FOP so we can hang out with Jerry and draw on our faces with magic marker until the dropship comes," Pants said. "Oh, we dont need to worry, Lynx is flying us there," Sev said. Lynx showed up in the dropship, and ferried them off into battle. Before Pants left he took out his mDisk that he had made for his family and left it in his place, and they left to defend the colony at Liberty 1.

[Denden666Piek]

What a marvelous humour you have, just this bit alone left me ROTFLOL: "Jeez, what bastards," G said. "Oh, dont worry. I got back at both of them. Peyj always said 'dont get mad, get even,' and I did," Jade said with a michevious smile. "What did you do?" G asked in a shaming tone. "I found his jock straps and sabotauged them with itchy powder, and I found her food tray and lightly sprinkled farting powder on her food. I made sure they were embarrased the entire day," Jade said. "Needless to say, it left a kind of bitter memory about hte whole love thing," Jade continued. "I can see why, getting stood up like that," G replied. "Yeah, but I think you might have helped me out of that rut," Jade said quietly. "What does that mean?" G asked. "What? Oh! Uh, nothing, I mean, uh, yeah, I gotta go to the bathroom," Jade said.

And then Sev's line "Naw, I just use that one to pick up chicks," really good stuff!

Love blooms on the battlefield. Looks like Solid Snake was right, Anytime, any place, people can fall in love with each other!

[Thunderpants1]

Exactly! Just watch Tears of the Sun. They dont come out and say it, but you know, by the way they interact. You just know.

[Denden666Piek]

Just because i'm a guy, I'm not afraid to say it: I just LOVE a good love story!

[Jerichowilks]

Hey I love LoVe stories too! ...Nah. My manliness isn't ready to accept that yet. Give me a good ol' two months with the love of my life(Which I've been waiting for.. gosh, what's taking her so long? Traffic?) and I'll probably be accepting that.. maybe.


Pants went back to his work when some of the faerie thingies showed up with a bottle of absinthe. They said to Pants "Hey, dude! Wanna meet our buddy the green faerie?"

LMAO http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif Must...meet..green..faerie..

[Thunderpants1]

Dont mess around with that stuff! Youll start seeing things, and before you know it, you have a Eurotrip moment of making out with your own sister! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Thunderpants1]

Is it time for another thrilling paragraph or two? Okeay, I think I can work it into my busy scedule. I just anhilated my shoulder playing football. I just get into it too much, even if it is two hand touch. Public service announcement: Dont hyperextend your shoulder!


Thunderpants was huddled down in a crater in the middle of a burning, ruined city. The fighting had settled into a stalemate, and he had some time to rest. He layed down on his back, and pulled Mr. Hugs from his buttpack and held him on his chest for a while, and looked up at the starry sky. Another soldier jumped into his crater and said "Wars a biatch, aint it?" he looked back and replied "Dam right it is! I got enough blisters here to win a purple heart!" Their commander, a gruff sargent in his fortys, said "Heh, and some people think they get midlife crises." "You having menapause, sarge?" Pants asked. "That would explain the cramps and hotflashes, wouldnt it?" the sargent replied. Off in the distance the Alphas walkers patrolled and Arjuun aircraft dueled with allied fighters. Loudspeakers on the Alphas and Imperials side blared propaganda demanding allied surrender, for their cause was a lost one. The allied forces in turn used their own form of psycological warfare, blaring heavy metal music from modified gunships flying around the battlefield. Tanks guarded intersections, the rumble of their engines resonating through the empty city streets. Artillery exploded in the distance, suddnly setting the sky ablaze with a brilliant white light, and the city glowed oarnge from the fires burning throughout. Pants looked up at the stars again, and wondered what his friends were doing back in paradise.

Jade and G walked through the jungle, exploring every nook and cranny they could find, talking about nothing in particular, laughing, smiling, and staring into one anothers eyes. They went under the canopy of a large tree on a cliff overlooking the jungle, seeing a waterfall in the distance. "Its beautiful," Jade said. G looked at her, smiled, and said "Ive seen better." Jade blushed, giggled, and looked back into his eyes. "Jade, uh, theres something I wanna say," G said. "Me too, its just that Im-" Jade replied. "Afraid to say it," they both said together. Jade smiled, her green eyes twinkling in the moonlight. G stuttered "I-uh-I-I-, heh," Jade walked up close to him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and he did so around her waist. The faeries said to one another "This is taking too friggin' long!" They flew in behind them and pushed them toghether. They then kissed, a long, intimate one.

"Score!" Pants quietly whispered to himself. "What?" his friend asked. "I just nailed that guy in the window," Pants replied. A flurry of indirect fire came back down their way, and a tank rolled up to face it. Its main gun roared to life, silencing the return fire with one thunderous blast. "So what you been hearin'?" Pants asked the guy with him. "Its like this all over the sector, Britonia 3, Rhineland 1, New Normandy, all attacked," The guy responded. "Why? These are all backwater places in the middle of nowhere," Pants asked. "Maybe there trying to spread us out," The guy said. "This is a delaying action for something else there planning. They didnt plan to win here, they were just trying to get our fleet spread out too thin to rapidly respond to a major attack," Sarge said. "Why are we here, then? We let the Japs have those two islands in Alaska before midway," the grunt asked. "This isnt an empty island. People live here,"Sarge said. "But where are they gonna hit?" Pants asked.

Jade and G decided to go back to the village, holding hands and smiling on the way. They diverted to pick up Pants, but found nothing but a burned out firepit, his mDisk, and a note saying "Win the war." "Hes gone," G said. "But where?" Jade asked.

A group of enemy troops supported by an Alpha spider walker approached the line. "Here they come!" Pants said, and the line lit up with small arms and rocket fire.

"Im sorry we have to leave, but theres still something we need to do," Jade said. "Well, many happy returns to ya," the chief said back, and Jade, G, Marcus, and Kiera boarded the Beluga, and headed towards Hyllis, to put the map together and end the war. "Its a shame we have to leave," Marcus said. "Grumpy McHaggis was the man," Kiera added. "Well, after we finally end a four hundred year long war, Im sure therell be plenty of time to come back," Jade said back. "God forbid you should be cut off from your partying for a few weeks," G added. The Beluga took off, and finally headed back home to begin the final chapter.

"Was that it?" the grunt asked. "Like Sarge said, Bubs, its a delaying action," Pants said back. "Well, you boys brace yourselves, because theres a whole lot of delays coming our way!" Sarge said. Down the road, hundreds of enemies supported by aircraft, walkers, and DomZ monsters came charging in. The line lit up, and another tank was called in to support that part of the line.

The Beluga landed in the city, and they went out to meet Hahn. "Its all here! A new day has arisen!" Hahn said, and they rushed to put the last two pieces into the map, which was surgically removed from Peyjs arm. They all gathered around the centeral holotable in the den, and put the first mDisk in.

"Were being overrun! We need support, over!" Sarge screamed into the radio over the din of battle. "Negative, Bravo 1-6. Were all commited. No reinforcements available. Out." The response came. "Were screwed, lets let 'em have it!" Sarge said. Pants and Bubs blasted away with all their might, when Bubs took a round right in the face, and fell over, instantly dead. "Bubs!" Pants screamed. Men were dying all over, and it had degraded into an open melee.

Jade put the second mDisk into the reader. A complete map began to materialize, but it fuzzed out into a glow of static. Defenses all over the city froze up, and a single red Alpha Section symbol lit up the room. "I see you have put the map together! Excellent! You are more blind than I thought!" The voice of Kheck said in a mocking tone. "Kheck!" Hahn said. "Thats right, fools! You just introduced a virus into your defense computers. None of your shields work, and your turrets are offline! You practically opened the door for us!" Khek replied. "It wont be long now! Prepare to welcome us back into your lives, perminantly!" Kheck said, laughing maniacly.

"Theyre leaving!" Pants said. The Alphas and Imperials flew off, leaving just a skeliton force behind to defend the disaster they had made. "Theyre reallocating, the assult is on!" Sarge said. "Now, where are they going..." Sarge asked. "...Hyllis!" Pants answered.

[Denden666Piek]

Oh good heavens, let the battle commence. This is going to be some truly amazing battle sequence. the allied forces rock with putting on heavy metal music. And the fairies were right by the way, it was about frikkin time they kissed.

[Jerichowilks]

So that's how you spell Hyllis? Dang, I've been spelling it wrong for quite awhile..WHEN WAS SOMEONE GOING TO TELL ME THESE THINGS!!

Jade and G kiss. Awww! Hard not to get sentimental.. and nice crossover with Pants.

Now if only there was a huge railgun to destroy..

P.S.: Your into WWII alot ain't cha?

[Thunderpants1]

Hell if I know the right spelling. Its a friggin videogame. As for allies, Japan, and whatnot, the allies didnt break up after the war, and WWII seemed like the best reference for a 400 year long war, as it is the single most destructive conflict ever fought by man.

[Thunderpants1]

I think one more segment ought to wrap the story up, not including the hidden level bit.

[Denden666Piek]

Hillys, Hyllis, whatever you think is right. It doesn't really matter, we all know what you mean by it. But it IS Hillys, and it's not JUST a videogame, Thunderpants. It's an unforgettable experience!

[Thunderpants1]

Whatever, dude. Im not going to argue.

[Thunderpants1]

All right. Let it be known that I do intend on finishing.

[Thunderpants1]

And now, the moment none of you have been waiting for... The thrilling final chapter, filled with suspense, drama, action, laughter, and some et cetera!

The Hyllian Army rushed small gun batteries to strategic defensive points, people ran for shelter, windows were being boarded up, sandbags were being piled, hospital staffmembers prepared for the worst, and all about the city was alive with fear and panic. Jade and G were up on a balcony of the science center, overlooking the chaotic scene. "My God... what have we done..." Jade asked. "Its not our fault," G said. "No, its my fault! I shouldave known!" Jade said tearfully. "Now, everyones gonna die, and its all my fault!" Jade sadly said to herself. "No one couldave seen this coming. Dont blame yourself. We were all tricked," G said. "Look, whatever happens, it wont change what we have," G continued. "Whats that?" Jade asked. "...each other," G replied. Jade looked at G, and smiled, her spirits lifted. Jade and G embraced one another, not letting go for anything.

The sky turned dark. Jade and G looked up into it. It began to rain, sheets of water falling from the sky. Jade and G rushed to the wall without saying a word. There was quiet all around the city, as lightning struck and thunder rolled. All eyes were searching the black abyss above them, now, looking for the inevitable doom hiding within.

The sky turned green, and several wormholes opened up. The gunners prepared for the worst, as wormhole after wormhole opened.

Then it came. The first massed bombardment of asteroids came through the wormhole, smashing structures around the city and the surrounding farmland, followed by Domz serpents coming in by the dozens, and finally an armada of the black ships of the Alphas. The guns roared to life in a desperate attempt to hold off the clouds of enemies from the sky. (Wow, this is getting intense)The guns proved to be no match for the scores of enemy fighters and dropships, as thousands of Alpha infantry began to march through the streets. Alpha spider walkers began to tear up city blocks, and the Domz serpents blew away anything that escaped. Jade and G did their best to make it back to the IRIS HQ where Keira and Marcus waited, but were cut off by hoardes of Alphas and Domz. The Alphas then commited their reserves, thousands of Arjuunese Imperial troopers, and the slaughter of the Hyllian Army gained even more intensity. General Kheck himself landed atop the science center with the Arjuunese Emperor and watched the carnage below.

"We are not proceeding with enough effiency, Emperor! The enemy units are able to keep their forces in the field for too long!" the general said. "Well, my lord, were having some trouble cutting their supply lines," The emperor replied. "I dont give a dam about their ammunition! I am talking of their physical ability to fight! Destroy their hospitals!" Kheck said. "...Sir?!" the emperor asked in suprise. "You heard me! Destroy their hospitals!" Kheck said. "...very well," the emperor said. He waved his hand at one of his aides, and Imperial artillery fired. The guns missed the mark. "It seems our men are unwilling to do that, sir." The emperor said. "Youre men are cowards! Ill have my men take care of it myself!" Kheck said.

Jade saw a wounded man, picked him up, and said. "Hold on! Ill get you to a hospital!" she dragged him along until she saw one of the cities hospitals, and told him "Hold on! Youre gonna make it!" The hospital then exploded from a massive volley from the Alphas ships. Jade looked in disbelief as the hospital burned. "How..." she asked. She then looked at the man she was dragging; he was dead. The battle lines were closing in around her. The army had nowhere left to go. She was more tired from the fighting than she had ever been. She dropped to her knees, and bowed her head in grief. There was nothing left that could save the city.

Except, of course, the large allied battlefleet that had appeared in orbit. Jade looked up in the sky and saw a new fleet clash with the Alphas, and new waves of dropships and gunships land throughout the city. "All right! We made it!" Pants said as he looked down into the destruction and saw the battle still raging. Sarge looked at his squad and said "All right! Weve got them by their man-parts! Remember the plan: Link up with fourth platoon at contact point alpha, and secure objective charlie, the square next to the Akuda Bar. Lets show these suckers how we do things!" "Hooah!" the squad said back, and the dropship landed. Gunships flew around blasting rockets and machineguns at their unprepared foes, playing Iron Madiens, ACDC, and Black Sabbath from loudspeakers. Tanks rolled out of larger dropships. And the tide of battle turned against the Alphas.

Pants squad moved down the shattered road one man behind the other on either side of the road, providing interlocking fields of fire, following a tank. They linked up with the rest of their platoon, 2nd Platoon, and then with fourth. They blew their way into the square, sweeping aside the Alpha sections with fiersome supressing fire and suprise flanking movements coordinated to keep the enemy off balance; a veritible ballet of destruction, every move rehearsed a thousand times. Thunderpants looked up at the bar and said "Hey, we could all go get smashed after this!" and everyone agreed that it was a good idea. They then recieved orders to link up with the beleagured Hyllians and provide releif.

Jade saw this grand attack, and ran back to G. "Do you see this?!" she asked. "If you mean a massive fleet that came to save our sorry backsides, then Im not sure!" G said joyusly. They ran to the front lines and attacked with increased vigor. With all the chaos, calamity, and *****in' rock music, Jade didnt notice the hammer of an Alpha about to come down on her head. "Jade! Look out!" G screamed. She turned around and saw the hammer, and raised her hands to block the blow when a shot knocked the trooper over, instantly dead. The shooter was none other than Pants. "I cant leave you guys for a day without you making a mess!" he said to them. Jade smiled in relief and G laughed and said "Come on! Khecks over there!" pointing to the shattered top of the science center.

"What?! I thought they were supposed to be in a different sector!" Kheck said. "Perhaps you underestimated the ability of humans," the emperor said. Kheck simply looked at him in disgust and knocked him off the top of the building. He stepped into his own mini- spider (Although it was about thirty feet tall with large tentacle whippy thingies that really sucked to be hit with or stabbed, because they sucked) and prepared for his inevitable meeting with Jade.

Jade, G, and Pants met with Kiera and Marcus, and the five of them went running to battle Kheck. At the foot of the science center they found the emperor, still alive, surrounded by his loyal troops, and spoiling for a fight. "Dont worry, well handle him! You two just get up there and deal with baldy!" Kiera said. Jade and G rushed to the top and confronted Kheck.

"You fools! You think this is the end? It is only the beginning!" Kheck said to them. "Uh, buddy, I hate to break it to ya, but your fleet has been blown out of the sky, your army is collapsing, and you are surrounded. It would be best to surrender," G said calmly. "And you still dont understand! Look at your city! Your home! Its burning! Weve already won!" Kheck said. "We can rebuild our city. Youll never be able to amass such an army to threaten us ever again. I can guarantee it!" G said. Kheck used one of his tenticles to run him through the chest. "Noooo!" Jade screamed, as his body fell to the ground. "Insolent whelp! Now, Shauni! Its just you and me! Perhaps you could join our cause! You would have a perminant place by our masters side!" Kheck said. "Oh yes! The priest you killed was not the leader! He resides back on the homeworld! It is the only way for you, Shauni!" Kheck continued. Jade looked him in the eye and raised her staff. "Lets end this!" she said.

The final boss battle begins. Jade has to disable all the legs while dealing with constant attack from whips and machineguns. Once thats taken care of, Kheck summons a wave of Alphas. Once thats defeated, Jade has to deal with his traversing machine gun fire and get hits in with the disk to lower his defenses so she can whack him. Eventually, after another wave, he shoots mines out that home in on her, and she bounces them back with her staff. The coupe de grasse is her raising her staff into the air. A bolt of lightning comes down, hits the staff, and goes straight into Kheck.

Jade walked up to her fallen foe, barely clinging on to life. "You may have one here, but the master will not be so easy," Kheck said. "Ill be ready. Dont you worry," Jade said, as she gave him one last whack in the face. "...Jade..." G said weakly. "G!" Jade answered, rushing to his side. "Hey, nice work, Jade. We won!" G said faintly. "Yeah, we did!" Jade said, tears swelling up. "Now, I want you to promise me one thing..." G said. "Dont even think that way! Im gonna get you out of here!" Jade said. "Promise me... youll find someone to spend the rest of your life with..." G said, growing weaker. "I have! Ive found you!" Jade said, her voice trembling. "Dont worry about me. Ill always be right here," G said, pointing to Jades heart. With that, he let out one last breath. The rain poured down and Jade struggled to wake him back up. "No... dont leave me..." Jade said, and she buried her head in his chest and cried. "...I love you..." she said. She felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Peyj. She looked at him, and he looked at her, with sadness in his eyes. He walked away, his head bowed. Jade sat back, buried her head in her knees, and continued to cry.

G drew another breath. Jade looked up in suprise. G looked at her and said "...Jade?" And felt around his chest. The wound was gone. "...You saved me..." G said. He stood up, and looked around. He grabbed Jade by the hand, and hoisted her up. Jade smiled, and laughed with joy. They held eachother and kissed. Pants came up the stairs and said "Okeay, who hasnt seen that sequence before? Raise your hand if you didnt see that coming!" Jade and G looked at him and laughed. "You laugh now, but wait till it stops raining!" Pants said. Surely enough, it stopped raining. "Man, Im good," Pants said. Kiera and G also kissed, and Pants looked at them and said "Okeay, thats just not fair!" Marcus looked at him and said "Whadya mean?" Pants replied "I saved all your butts in the mountains and in the desert, I escape from the evil fortress city, and I am the only one here not getting any!" Pants then saw Double H looking at him, and said "Naw, never that desperate." Jade and G laughed, and the credits roll.

Ohh, ahhh! All done!

[Denden666Piek]

Incredible! What a finale, what an ending! I salute you Thunderpants, for being the first to finish your fanfic, although you could say it's a pity it had ended too. Anyway, your story was great, Thunderpants. In every way, but mostly in the comedic way, and that's not a bad thing at all.

[Thunderpants1]

A truly triumphant (http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/wcStory?contentId=4925784&storyNumber=1)end to a truly triumphant story.

[Thunderpants1]

OMGOMGOMG TEH HIDDEN CHAPTARE!!!1

(You get this if youve collected over one pearls. Here comes more thin character and plot development, predictable twists, and possibly a deus ex plot device that tries to make up for the weak progression of the story)

The allied soldiers were all in the suprisingly intact Akuda bar getting sloshed. Jade and the gang were at a table joking around and talking about their adventure. "So how exactly did you escape Arjuun?" Jade asked Pants. "Through the magic of Disney," Pants replied. "Oh, come on, man! Ya have ta tell us," Marcus said. "All right. If you want the story of my great escape, gather round the alchahol, and listen to the tale I tell..." Pants said...

OMG TEH FLASHBACK!1

The screen fades in all blurry, with Pants looking up at the celing. "Hold on! Hes coming to!" a resistance fighter screamed. Pants awoke to the sounds of battle filling the air. "All right! Youre awake! We need another man!" the fighter said. "Whats happening?" Pants asked. "Theyve come to wipe us out for good this time! The slums are on fire from the fighting. We need another gun," the fighter answered. "All right! Give me my rifle, and Ill join in!" Pants said. "Er, uh, we couldnt recover your rifle..." the fighter said. "Well, what have you got, then?" Pants asked. "...well, we do have this experimental weapon, designed by the esteemed Dr. Fallope," the fighter answered. He handed pants a shotgun like weapon, with the two barrels merging into one larger one towards the end. "What... is this?" Pants asked. "The Fallopian Tubes," the fighter replied. "It fires hyper charged eggs at your enemies which explode on contact," the fighter continued. "How do you reload it?" Pants asked. "Oh, its a muzzle loader," The fighter replied. "Swell! Well, Im off to smash some skulls, pray for good fortune, plenty of ammo, and abundand health packs!" Pants said, and he was off into the FPS world of TEH HIDDEN CHAPTARE!!!1

Pants got out onto the streets and was instantly met by enemies. He took them out, and noticed something wierd about his gun. "Hmm, its warm and moist on the inside..." and continued on. he dispached a few more foes and came upon a shotgun. "Funny how the weapons always seem to float and rotate. Im sure theres a reason," he says to himself. He continues on with his shotgun, blasting foes and picking up ammo and health, the latter coming in the form of food. The swarms of enemies reach dozens at a time, and circle strafing is required. He comes upon his old assult rifle and says "Oh, my baby! Ill never lose you again!" and continues on. He encounters hoardes of grenade wielding psychos charging him with one HE grenade in each hand yelling "Hey! Check this out!" slamming the two grenades together when they get close. "Whoa. Thats pretty stupid," Pants remarks, and continues on his way. He encounters a big keg o' health, picks it up, and says "INCREASES HEALTHY POINTS!" as it brings his health up to 200.

He finds his way into the inner enclave of the rich people in the city, and the war gets close to the homes of those who made it. He grabs a rocket launcher and wonders aloud "Who leaves this stuff just lying around? A nutball could get their hands on it! I better give these rockets back to the authorities!" He gets his chance as two Alpha walkers come crashing through the walls. He quickly does them in with his weapon, and moves on. The Alphas summon hoardes of more outlandish creatures, like inflated rolling monkeys and clowns with buzzsaws in their hands. "Who ever thought these things up might need some professional help," Pants declares. He keeps on moving until he picks up a pack of mentos.

"Hmm. I wonder what these are for..." he wonders, when he is ambushed by a giant long necked predator from the fountain he was standing next to. The mentos commercial song starts playing as he pops a mentos into his mouth and gets a great idea. He shoots the monster and it dies, and he holds out the mentos tube, smiles, and the action stops as the lettering appears with the announcer going "Mentos! The Freshmaker!" and he continues on his amazingly glorious rampage through the brilliantly illuminated streets of Capital City. The next weapon he encounters is a giant boxing glove that extends out and smashes things. "A boxing glove. What do you say to that?" Pants asked himself. The glove proves very useful in dispaching foes, however, and he doesnt complain. He continues on until he grabs a new weapon, the atomic wedgemiester. It fires a white gloved hand out that grabs enemies by the seat of their pants and lifts them up in the air, flinging them to a distant place. Pants giggled gleefuly watching the gloves do their work. Another weapon he picks up is a bunch of exploding presents. He can fling them at enemies, who rush to see whats in the present, and when they open it up it explodes in their faces. Another one fires out dentures which rapidly chomp and attack people.

He makes it to the end of the level, where he finds a beautiful girl trapped in a cage hovering over the arena he is in. "Oh, please, Favio! Save me!" she screams. "But Im not Favio," Pants said back. "Oh, come on! Work with me here!" she yelled back. Then a giant window opened, and the evil emperor was standing there, watching. "I see you have made it to the end of the level! Hah! You think you can stop me? Youre pathetic! Ill bet you havent even found all the hidden areas and secret items!" he taunts, and a tally comes up showing you how many you found. "It doesnt matter! For you are about to be consumed by the most fearsome beast ever concieved!" he rambles on. The gates to the arena opened. A blood curdling roar filled the surroundings. Out came...

...

DOPEFISH!

The battle began, Pants' amazing arsenal against the terrifying SWIM SWIM HUNGRY attacks of the terrible Dopefish, an epic clash that tore the arena asunder, lava filling the grounds. Still they fought,until the Dopefish was finally defeated. The bottom of the girls cage opened, letting her fall into the lava, when she was snatched out of the sky by a flying unicorn, who then picked up Pants. "Curse you, Thunderpants!" the emperor screamed. "My hero!" the girl said to Pants, as they rode off into a beautiful rainbow.

"Hold on! A flying unicorn saved you?" Jade asked, barely holding back the laughter. "Yes, and we lived happily ever after!" Pants said. "I see, and where is this girl, now?" G asked. "In our mystical castle of enchantment," Pants said. Everyone broke out laughing. "Okeay, there was no girl, and I stole a shuttle. I did have to battle Dopefish, though," Pants said. "Sure, you did," G said. And they lived happily ever after, or at least until the next sequel.

[Denden666Piek]

Thunderpants, would you like to place your AWESOME FANFIC!!!!!!!!11 in the Revolution forum as well? We'd appreciate it very much. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Revolution fanfics (http://s6.invisionfree.com/BGE2_Revolution/index.php?showforum=26)

[Thunderpants1]

Ill think about it...

You see, Im very lazy.

[Denden666Piek]

I could do it for you, you could just make a topic there, and I'll insert your story in there. That way, everybody will know that just by looking at the topic, it's your work. That's all you have to do, make a topic. I can edit your topic because I'm admin.

[Thunderpants1]

Do I have to become a member first?

[Denden666Piek]

Yes, but it's not a lot of trouble to register, is it?

[Thunderpants1]

Okeay, Ive done it. I now leave it in your capable hands to move the thing over.

[Denden666Piek]

That's just awesome, dude. It will be done tomorrow afternoon.

EDIT: It is done! The Thunderpants BGE2 story is now officially a Revolution fanfic as well!

[Thunderpants1]

Well, Sev did a preview of the next one, so I feel I owe you, my loyal readers, the same.

Preview of the Next Story...

Jade was in a full sprint, retreating from Alpha guards in a large industrial complex. Shots from their green lasers landed all around her, sending sparks and smoke billowing into the air.

[Tense music builds]

She ran out onto a large pipe suspended 500 feet over a lake of hot lava, being chased by the flying Alphas and their attack robots with the two green tanks.

[Tense music continues to build]

The Alphas blew out the piping ahead of her, and she was trapped. "Surrender!" they ordered. Jade looked down at the pit, and at her persuers. She jumped.

[Tense music reaches climax]

As shes falling, shes scooped up by G, who was hang gliding over the lava. Then red shots went out at the Alphas from inside the pipe. Thunderpants came out.

Hail, Hail! The gangs all here!
Leave your worries at the door
Theyre not going anywhere!
Hail, Hail! The gangs all here!
When the going gets tough
I know my friends will still be near!

[Denden666Piek]

Thunderpants is the coolest and the real Thunderpants too, although they're one and the same.

[Thunderpants1]

Why, thank you! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[rivetkitten]

This has got to be my favorite BG&E fanfic. EVAR.