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Zerban_da_Great
04-09-2008, 06:10 AM
Disclaimer: I do not own this idea. However, I did steal it http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

The Altair v1.2

Congratulations! You have just purchased the ultimate in fan merchandise ever created! The Altair v1.2! The following is an informative and easy-to-use guide to get the most out of your new unit!

Unpacking:

Your ALTAIR should have arrived in mint condition. If not, I may have to fire my secretary, because she has a thing about Altair. Anyway, removing this Assassin from the packaging may be hard, as it has been sealed to prevent this wily Assassin from escaping in-transit. One way to remove the ALTAIR unit is to find a ROBERT DE SABLE unit. The badass Frenchman will son incite the Assassin into a rage that will send him tearing from the box. Mind you, we take no responsibility for the wounds/property damage caused by the resulting, EPIC sword duel. Another method is to bring along an AL MUALIM unit. Either Altair will tear out looking for his next mission, or he will slump out fast asleep from the soporific effect of Al's speeches. UPDATE: The new v1.2 ALTAIR contains a new method of extraction. If the NINJA TEMPLAR unit from our Altair's Chronicles line is brought, your ALTAIR will tear from the box and either shank the dude or run screaming from a potential relationship. Be ready with a tub of ice cream for the grieving NINJA TEMPLAR.

One ALTAIR has torn from the box, check that he has these accessories:

1 white Assassin Robe of Awsomeness TM (if your ALTAIR arrived without this on then I WILL fire my secretary, crazy Kaxen >_&gthttp://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
1 longsword
1 short blade
1 set of climbing gloves (don;t want him falling!)
15 throwing knives (We take no responsibility for wounds received while trying to account for all 15 of these)
1 Hidden Blade (careful, it bites)
ALTAIR may receive weapon upgrades if he receives a favorable standing in an AL MUALIM unit's eyes.

The First Week:

Once you have unpacked your unit, you may see that your ALTAIR is behaving like... well, like an ***. Not to worry, this is simply how ALTAIR always acts in the beginning. In time, he will learn humility and eventually become a nice guy. Interactions with other units of the same brand will speed the process.

Modes:

Your unit should become adjusted to his new home about now. This is not to be condused with 'Versions' mentioned later. The following is a list of "Modes" your ALTAIR may display:

Arrogant: This is ALTAIR's primary mode. He will always begin like this. Typical behaviors associated with this are: excessive aggression, desire to shank anyone who looks at him funny, sour relationships with MALIK units and sporadic exclamations of his superiority. Try to weather this, ALTAIR will quickly grow out of it. Known to run off with MALIK and KADAR units to find ROBERT DE SABLE units. Desire to shank people in this mode is set to high. NOTE: We take no responsibility for any AL MUALIM gut-shank wounds that your ALTAIR suffers while in this mode.

Morally Confused: This is the mode that ALTAIR spends the most time in. In this mode, ALTAIR will follow the orders of AL MUALIM, while at the same time questioning his beliefs and motivations. Will constantly question AL MUALIM units, sometimes provoking near-fatal responses. While this is a common mode, it is also temporary unless carefully reset. While in this mode, desire to shank random people is set to medium.

The Hero: This is ALTAIR's final mode. ALTAIR has finished his journey of discovery and has now evolved into a much greater man. He will now have much improved relationships with other units (besides AL MUALIM units, but more on that later) and will also be a much better companion for the buyer. This mode can be achieved quicker if ALTAIR beats ROBERT DE SABLE in a duel.

Fangirl's slave (LOCKED): This mode has only been developed in some beta units, and only in very extreme cases (sideways glance at Kaxen). In this mode, ALTAIR is completely subservient and will service a buyer in ANY way, hint hint. Curiously enough, some AL MUALIM units have been able to unlock this.

Bright and Bubbly (LOCKED): Somehow, this has been unlocked in a few rare cases. In this mode, ALTAIR will skip around and save small furry creatures from death. Most units were 'disposed of' minutes after shifting to this mode.

Hoodless: Impossible. Don;t even try it. This mode is only possible in theory. The theory is that ALTAIR will walk around without the need to wear a hood. The simulation of this event caused several fangirls to enter persistent vegetative states, constantly moaning about "Alty-chan". Please, don't try it. ALTAIR units are known to become homicidal if their hoods are threatened.

Special Notes on Behavior: Altair has been programmed for Medieval Holy Land technology, and cannot comprehend modern technology.

Care:

Your unit will care for himself, mixing up Assassin Bleach for his robe once a week (attempts to steal the recipe for the Bleach have so far been failures). Your unit can go long periods without food or rest, though when ALTAIR starts yawning, set up a carpet with six pillows in the corner. ALTAIR will gladly take a nap, especially if ordered to by an angry MALIK. For food, traditional Middle Eastern dishes are best, but McDonalds has been surprisingly compatible. Theories speculate that this is in relation to ALTAIR's anomalous American accent.

NEVER, under ANY circumstances let ALTAIR have alcohol. A drunk ALTAIR especially when in Arrogant mode, is a creature capable of shanking Satan. Never attempt to bathe your unit. He is unfamiliar with the concept, coming from 1191 AD, and attempts to bathe WITH your unit have resulted in several unfortunate shankings.\

Uses:

As your ALTAIR adjusts to your household, you can train him to perform any number of tasks for you, especially if you have a friendly AL MUALIM on hand to order the unit around. However, there are some restrictions;

1. No illegal misuse. Parkouring to rob a bank is not cool!
2. No 'pimping'. No matter how many people want ALTAIR to 'unsheathe his sword', he is not immune. Besides, he's saving himself for Ada to make Desmond!
3. No sending ALTAIR to shank people. That is an AL MUALIM unit's job.

Versions: Your ALTAIR is prepackaged with multiple versions for instant usage in special cases.

Community Hero: Don't want that Parkouring going to waste? Hear of people trapped with no way to them? Send ALTAIR and he'll soon save them. Plus, he'll shank a few Templars on the way. And he'll probably get a Vigilante squad if you send him out, so it's a win/win!

The Bodyguard: Who's scarier than ALTAIR? Nobody, that's who! Get ALTAIR to guard you and nobody will bother you for fear of shanking!

Chef: Oddly enough, ALTAIR is very good and cooking. He looks like a chef anyway. With ALTAIr cooking, every night will be an Arabian night! Also, there's the ever-present Assassin Cake! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Interaction with other units:

Although ALTAIR v1.2 is the most popular unit in stock, there are others that may interest you. Here is a list of others and how they react to your ALTAIR.

ALTAIR/MALIK: ALTAIR and MALIK have a rocky relationship, including and perhaps especially v0.9 Both-Arms MALIK. However, if their relationship is less than satisfactory, give it time. Soon, MALIK will warm up to ALTAIR, and in time they'll be bestest buddies.

ALTAIR/KADAR: Very limited relationship for a limited unit. KADAR will lick ALTAIR's boots and soon after, die while nobody is looking. Like anyone besides MALIK cares.

ALTAIR/ROBERT DE SABLE: A real doozy this one is. These units are nemesises. If they see each other, they WILL begin to fight. Keep them apart, unless you wish for ALTAIR to make the jump to The Hero mode quicker. However, this will result in ALTAIR going after AL MUALIM after hearing ROBERT DE SABLE's dying words.

ALTAIR/AL MUALIM: Master/teacher if we ever saw it. In Arrogant, ALTAIR and AL MUALIM have a rocky relationship. However, this will soon be cured if AL MUALIM uses a MASAYAF ASSASSIN PLAYSET to restrain the ALTAIR and gutshank him. In Morally Confused, their relationship will be easier, but will become more tense as time goes on, what with ALTAIR constantly questioning AL MUALIM's goals. In The Hero, Altair will seek to kill AL MUALIM, resulting in an epic showdown worthy of song, or at least taping and uploading on YouTube. The owner of the AL MUALIM may be sore afterwards, though.
NOTE: We take no responsibility for AL MUALIM units enslaving the population of your home town with the Piece of Eden. Don't worry, though. An ALTAIR should be along shortly to 'fix' the problem.

ALTAIR/MARIA: Another rocky one. ALTAIRs will constantly mistake MARIA units for ROBERT DE SABLEs, and attack. MARIA units are strong fighter, though, so seek shelter. After the fight, ALTAIR will remove the MARIA's helmet, speak with her and then let her go free. This will always send ALTAIR out to find and kill the nearest ROBERT DE SABLE. If a MARIA is encountered without a helmet, the ALTAIR will treat her quite oddly, in one occasion even asking her out to dinner. Save him for Ada, kids!

*NEW* ALTAIR/NINJA TEMPLAR: NINJA TEMPLAR units will attempt to seduce all ALTAIR units. We have no idea why, the desire is somehow fixed in their programming. Thankfully, ALTAIR units will make short work of them.

ALTAIR/RICHARD: ALTAIR and RICHARD units have very nonviolent relationships. All they do is philosophically muse over the nature of the Crusades. Especially over the body of a ROBERT DE SABLE. A useful combo to have during a History lesson.

Troubleshooting/Q&A

My ALTAIR won't obey me!

What do you expect, he's awesome like that! You have to ask him nicely. Mind you, he may still be Arrogant, or in the early stages of Morally confused. If so, simply wait until his The Hero switch.

ALTAIR and MARIA are having a hawt love affair!

Oh well. Desmond will be made in either way. If they're having a relationship, try to keep it smooth. Attempts to disrupt the couple will likely involve shankings.

ALTAIR and ROBERT DE SABLE are having a hawt love affair!

... WHAT!? Ship them back to us immediately!

ALTAIR has accepted the advances of NINJA TEMPLAR!

o_O... Give us your address and we will send a 'janitor' to 'clean up'.

ALTAIR and MALIK are...

STOP! I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

...I was going to say, they're best mates even though ALTAIR is still Arrogant.

...Oh. Then the MALIK has probably found it's SUPER MALIK mode, patented by Kaxen. Basically, this Malik is even more awesome, and will for some reason get along with ALTAIR units in Arrogant mode. Beats us why, just enjoy it.

Watch this space, as more ASSASSIN'S CREED units are released!


Whew, THAT was HARD! But so worth it!

Raide
04-09-2008, 07:47 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif Thank you for that. I had a good laugh at work.

Kaxen6
04-09-2008, 08:33 AM
When did I become a secretary? http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

twistedesthetic
04-09-2008, 10:27 AM
Lol! I have good laugh after reading it.

BTOG46
04-09-2008, 10:41 AM
Nice work, one of the best posts on the forum. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

dacoolstas
04-09-2008, 11:11 AM
Hoodless: Impossible. Don;t even try it. This mode is only possible in theory. The theory is that ALTAIR will walk around without the need to wear a hood. The simulation of this event caused several fangirls to enter persistent vegetative states, constantly moaning about "Alty-chan". Please, don't try it. ALTAIR units are known to become homicidal if their hoods are threatened.


omg i lol'd so hard when i read that. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Zerban_da_Great
04-09-2008, 02:47 PM
(Yay, 400th post)

Hey, I;m glad you all liked it. I've been dying to do one of these and I thought, who better to do than Altair? Kaxen, you're my crazy secretary because you were the inspiration behind a lot of the jokes in that. Besides, you're so cute with those little glasses *huggles*. Anyway, who should I do next? I'm having a toss-up between Malik and Al Mualim.

Kaxen6
04-09-2008, 02:53 PM
Malik Malik Malik

FYTJ
04-09-2008, 03:01 PM
First: This was hilarious! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif THANK-YOU!
Second: Malik! Pleaaase!

Zerban_da_Great
04-09-2008, 03:04 PM
Better watch out Kax, Altair may cut your door open with your magic Chinese cleavers again. And then blame Desmond again. In fact, I shouldn't have forgotten Desmond! I left out an ALTAIR/DESMOND relationship! You know what? In a special official supplement, here it is!

ALTAIR/DESMOND: A time-paradox relationship. The ALTAIR and DESMOND have never made contact, even when forced. We even locked an ALTAIR in a room and shoved DESMOND in, only to discover that ALTAIR had picked the lock and run off in the three seconds that our backs were turned. At last, we tried it in laboratory conditions. We had a featureless blue room and shoved both units in at the same time. The units made eye contact and simultaneously exploded. However, Kaxen has found some way to make them work, as she has imprisoned an ALTAIR and an DESMOND within her household, as well as a Pre-Order ALEX MERCER unit from out Prototype line. In interviews, all questions about the relationship have been avoided. We suspect third-party modifications were used, perhaps even by Templars. OH NO! Kaxen is using ALTAIR and DESMOND to sell secrets to the Templars!

Heheheh... just kidding.

spazzoo1025
04-09-2008, 03:09 PM
aww I thought it was really new stuff http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gifhttp://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif


but still, pretty funny http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Zerban_da_Great
04-09-2008, 10:04 PM
AHA! You wanted it! You've been wwaiting for it! We have just released the new MALIK unit! *thunderous applause*

The MALIK

Congratulations! You have just purchased the ultimate in fan merchandise ever created! The MALIK! The following is an informative and easy-to-use guide to get the most out of your new unit!

Unpacking:

Your MALIK should arrive in mint condition. If not, then Kaxen has obviously been getting ideas. As this unit is an Assassin, the box is very secure. Removing him is difficult, so here are a few strategies;
1. Find a handy ALTAIR unit in Arrogant mode. The enraged MALIK will tear from the box and probably pop ALTAIR one. Be ready with some ice.
2. Find an ALTAIR in The Hero mode. Sic a MASAYAF ASSASSIN PLAYSET on him. If the fight is in the general vicinity, MALIK will race out and knife the lot of them. However, this is a messy and expensive method of removal. It is not advised.
3. Find a ROBERT DE SABLE. The Frenchman will taunt the MALIK, and he will escape in a manner similar to the ALTAIR
4. And finally, a KADAR unit will easily remove a MALIK. As an added bonus, your new MALIK will be completely mellow in the presence of his brother, especially without an ALTAIR around.

Once MALIK is out, check for these accessories;

1 Assassin robe of awesomeness (only on some models)
1 bureau leader's coat (left sleeve pinned for obvious reasons)
1 longsword
? throwing knives (no one has accurately counted them)

The First Week:

Once MALIK has been unpacked, your unit may be having regular emo fits, and constantly saying 'Kadar'. He is simply angsting over his brother's death. Don't worry, he'll stop eventually. If he is NOT angsting, he is either stuck in SUPER MALIK mode (more on modes later), or the v0.9 Both-Arms MALIK. If the latter, he probably just wants to have a chat with a KADAR, or perhaps knock out an ALTAIR.

Modes:

Your unit should become adjusted to his new home about now. This is not to be confused with 'Versions' mentioned later. The following is a list of "Modes" your MALIK may display:

Incredibly Annoyed: This is the very first mode a MALIK may experience, and it is exclusive to the 0.9 Both-Arms MALIK. MALIK will be easily annoyed, and will be protective of any KADAR units it sees. Has been known to play childish pranks on ALTAIR units.

Relentless Emo: MALIK's favourite mode. Characterized by angsting, crying in the corner, relentless hate of ALTAIR units and having only one arm. MALIKs, no matter what version, will be forced into this mode after meeting a ROBERT DE SABLE and his TEMPLAR PLAYSET. If you begin to tire of this mode, then there is a way to advance him. It may sound counter-intuitive, but he has to spend more time with ALTAIR. If this method is successful, then the duel progression will catapult both the ALTAIR and the MALIK forward in their emotional journeys.

The Warrior: MALIK's final canon form, achieved after a long relationship with an ALTAIR, or after the MALIK finds the ROBERT DE SABLE journal accessory. He has evolved like ALTAIR, to finally stop blaming ALTAIR and himself for KADAR's death, and begin to work for the greater good. This mode is characterized by an improved outlook, desire to fight, excellent relations with ALTAIR units, hatred of AL MUALIM units, and overall increase in awesomeness.

Fangirl's Slave (LOCKED): Quite similar to ALTAIR's mode of the same name, except for a curious discovery. The 0.9 Both-Arms MALIK is completely free of this mode. Rabid yaoi fangirls suggest this is because of a Malik/Kadar relationship, but I have kindly told them to go f-

Bright and Bubbly (LOCKED): For some reason, MALIK shares this mode with ALTAIR too. In this mode, MALIK will completely turn around from his usual emo self and be annoyingly happy. Known to be knocked out by passing ALTAIR units.

Robert De Sable (LOCKED): We have no idea why, but MALIK will sometimes get it into his head to shave his head and dress like his nemesis. You may either ship him back to us, or simply pretend that it's a more expensive ROBERT DE SABLE unit.

SUPER MALIK ROFL! (LOCKED): This mode is MALIK's true power. In this mode, he runs on rage and awesome. He will be friend with ALTAIR units no matter how they act, and will steamroll over any rival units. This is a MALIK dream. First discovered by Kaxen, when she saw her MALIK fly around her house, proclaiming, 'You all suck compared to me!'

Special note: Like all of our units (minus the DESMOND), this unit is programmed for 1191 AD technology.

Care:

Your unit will care for his own needs, meeting up with local ALTAIR units once a week to help mix up some Assassin Bleach. Much like all of our units, the MALIK can go for long periods without food or sleep. However, when he does get tired, a carpet with six pillows is fine. Better yet, get the MALIK to order ALTAIR over there. Ordering an ALTAIR around always perks a MALIK up. For food, the MALIK enjoys traditional Middle Eastern dishes. But please, no food that needs a knife and fork. That's just mean, the guy only has one arm.

Alcohol is a volatile subject concerning MALIK units. If the unit in question is Pissed Off, then please, God no. If the unit is still Relentless Emo, then yes. Alcohol will help him with the pain. However, we take no responsibility for Alcoholics Anonymous meetings that your MALIK will have to attend.

Uses: Like all our units, the MALIK has multiple uses around the house. But there are uses that are just not cool;

1. Do NOT dress MALIK like a hobo and send him out to collect change. He may have one arm, but he has dignity. Believe me, people have done it.
2. No illegal usage. MALIK looks enough like a Mafia hitman anyway.
3. No 'pimping'. no matter how many crazy fangirls want MALIK to 'grow a second arm', MALIK has not yet found a proper girl. Until he does, leave him be!

Versions: Your MALIK is prepackaged with multiple versions for instant usage in special cases.

The Drama Queen: Need help with your school play? Is the play a tragedy? Then send in your MALIK on opening night, and watch as he emo-fies every cast member with his angsting.

The Super Chef: Apparently, this one-armed legend won't let his limb loss stop him. The MALIK is a fantastic chef, capable of mixing up incredible Arabian dishes in an instant. And, of course, a desert of Assassin Cake.

The Informant: Need help? Want to find some odd jobs? Think your pet has run off? Consult your MALIK, and he'll instantly point you in the right direction!

Interaction with other units:

Although MALIK is the most popular unit in stock, there are others that may interest you. Here is a list of others and how they react to your MALIK.

ALTAIR/MALIK: ALTAIR and MALIK have a rocky relationship, including and perhaps especially v0.9 Both-Arms MALIK. However, if their relationship is less than satisfactory, give it time. Soon, MALIK will warm up to ALTAIR, and in time they'll be bestest buddies.

MALIK/KADAR: MALIK is very protective of KADAR, and as a bonus, is very mellow and happy with a KADAR around. On the downside, MALIK will go into a long emo-fit if the KADAR in question is harmed.

MALIK/AL MUALIM: Relationship is minimal. They only say about two words to each other in the entire game, for crying out loud! However, their relationship is slightly similar to the ALTAIR/AL MUALIM relationship, what with AL MUALIM giving the MALIK missions.

MALIK/ROBERT DE SABLE: They will fight if they see each other. And unfortunately, MALIK will always lose and run away. This will also revert him to his Emo stage, especially if a KADAR tried to help. And of course, he will lose his left arm if he had one at the time, leaving owners of the 0.9 Both-Arms MALIK a little sore. Best steer clear, unless MALIK gets some fighting lessons from ALTAIR.

MALIK/MARIA: Oddly enough, these two units have tried to hook up whenever we have placed them together. Apparently MARIA sympathizes with the our emo lad. We have no idea why. The MARIA seems to have a love for the male characters fixed in her programming. Try to be careful with the couple, or you may find your MALIK back in Relentless Emo mode.

Troubleshooting/Q&A

Hey, my MALIK is with an ALTAIR. In BED.

... You people sicken me. Stuff this, I'm leaving. See you when the AL MUALIM comes out! *leaves*

cooldude6681
04-10-2008, 07:01 PM
Dude...where can I get one of these ALTAIR v1.2 units?

Kaxen6
04-10-2008, 07:19 PM
...I need to draw Malik in a chef's hat now...

Zerban_da_Great
04-10-2008, 07:27 PM
Originally posted by Kaxen6:
...I need to draw Malik in a chef's hat now...

Yes! Draw him with a chef hat, balancing several plates with one hand and a massive spatula attached to his stump! That would make me rofl.

Kaxen6
04-10-2008, 08:02 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v469/luciferownsme/cookingmalik.jpg

Malik is unstoppable!

Zerban_da_Great
04-10-2008, 09:50 PM
MWUHAHAHAHA! Yes, that is an awesome pic http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif. I commented on the DA version.

nevar23
04-10-2008, 10:54 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

Medieval Holy Land technology: Assassin bleach! Who knew?

That is so awesomely hilarious. Thank you for the win.

FYTJ
04-12-2008, 01:35 PM
Brilliant! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif
We need more more merchandise!
And more Ask Alty's, btw...

dingsi
04-13-2008, 10:28 AM
What do you think of my (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/The_Altair_v1.2) tributes (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/The_MALIK)?

BTOG46
04-13-2008, 10:38 AM
You should really have credited Zerban and Kax though.

dingsi
04-13-2008, 10:46 AM
I did thank Kax but I don't know how to contact Zerban



And I can't do it in the article since it's a parody page and I can make articles about things in the public domain, such as this thread.


Anyway, credits to Zerban_da_Great for typing the whole thing and Kaxen6 for her cartoons.


And me for formatting everything lol http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

the_assassin_07
04-13-2008, 11:31 AM
This article needs more work. See ICU and below for details.
This page will be re-checked on 20 April 2008 (tagged 11 April),
and if not improved will face deletion.
This page needs some formatting help. It should have:

links to other articles.

few red links.

paragraphs, headings, correct speeling and grammer,

tables, whitespace, and an image or two.

If you need formatting help, check this page or ask someone for help.



Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/The_Altair_v1.2"
Were they meant to say that? Lol because if they didn't that would be so ironic.

dingsi
04-13-2008, 12:51 PM
of course they did, they're uncyclopedia!