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View Full Version : ok, this has no swearing, i hope you like it



stavpal
05-25-2004, 05:25 AM
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.She
can'tdecide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The lady is so excited.
She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank. He Continues-"I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

http://img28.photobucket.com/albums/v84/stavpal/test_sig_2_ok_small.jpg
Sam infiltrating my backyard.
Lambert: Holly Christ, Sam, what are you doing in stavpal's yard?
Sam: oh, i thought this was the place they had hidden the NNDX-1335.
Lambert: get out of there! Next time I'm putting you up for psych evaluation.

stavpal
05-25-2004, 05:25 AM
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.She
can'tdecide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The lady is so excited.
She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank. He Continues-"I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

http://img28.photobucket.com/albums/v84/stavpal/test_sig_2_ok_small.jpg
Sam infiltrating my backyard.
Lambert: Holly Christ, Sam, what are you doing in stavpal's yard?
Sam: oh, i thought this was the place they had hidden the NNDX-1335.
Lambert: get out of there! Next time I'm putting you up for psych evaluation.

Desert Hawk
05-25-2004, 05:33 AM
Lol. Did you come up with that one?

http://www.img19.photobucket.com/albums/v57/Desert_Hawk/DHlogo.jpg
"I'm On My Way To Kashmir"

"The world is small, nasty and complicated,
and everybody dies alone"-- Sam Fisher
-----------------------------

stavpal
05-25-2004, 05:39 AM
i found it

http://img28.photobucket.com/albums/v84/stavpal/test_sig_2_ok_small.jpg
Sam infiltrating my backyard.
Lambert: Holly Christ, Sam, what are you doing in stavpal's yard?
Sam: oh, i thought this was the place they had hidden the NNDX-1335.
Lambert: get out of there! Next time I'm putting you up for psych evaluation.

Desert Hawk
05-25-2004, 05:44 AM
I'll have to remember this one!

http://www.img19.photobucket.com/albums/v57/Desert_Hawk/DHlogo.jpg
"I'm On My Way To Kashmir"

"The world is small, nasty and complicated,
and everybody dies alone"-- Sam Fisher
-----------------------------

stavpal
05-25-2004, 05:51 AM
i mean, i found it in a site

http://img28.photobucket.com/albums/v84/stavpal/test_sig_2_ok_small.jpg
Sam infiltrating my backyard.
Lambert: Holly Christ, Sam, what are you doing in stavpal's yard?
Sam: oh, i thought this was the place they had hidden the NNDX-1335.
Lambert: get out of there! Next time I'm putting you up for psych evaluation.

Desert Hawk
05-25-2004, 06:24 AM
Sorry, i meant to say, i have to remember the joke.

http://www.img19.photobucket.com/albums/v57/Desert_Hawk/DHlogo.jpg
"I'm On My Way To Kashmir"

"The world is small, nasty and complicated,
and everybody dies alone"-- Sam Fisher
-----------------------------

stavpal
05-25-2004, 07:23 AM
yep, it's quite good

http://img28.photobucket.com/albums/v84/stavpal/test_sig_2_ok_small.jpg
Sam infiltrating my backyard.
Lambert: Holly Christ, Sam, what are you doing in stavpal's yard?
Sam: oh, i thought this was the place they had hidden the NNDX-1335.
Lambert: get out of there! Next time I'm putting you up for psych evaluation.

S7N Reborn
05-25-2004, 09:37 AM
its better than your last one, i'll give you that

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~sangvle/S7NMorph.gif

Pitt Bull
05-25-2004, 10:31 AM
funny...

Mind if I add a joke?

Kid: Dad, remember you said that if I got a 100 on my test you'll give me 1 dollar.
Dad: Ahh, yes.
Kid: So can I have 50 cent's?

Splinter Cell forum - "[Ironic http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/59.gif Master]"
http://img67.photobucket.com/albums/v204/crackboy/Sam_Fischer_3_copy5.jpg
Sergeant. BULL. of the Evo Army, Don of Pitt-Bull's Mafia

Has Started "The Seek After Mike".

stavpal
05-25-2004, 11:25 AM
lol!

http://img28.photobucket.com/albums/v84/stavpal/test_sig_2_ok_small.jpg
Sam infiltrating my backyard.
Lambert: Holly Christ, Sam, what are you doing in stavpal's yard?
Sam: oh, i thought this was the place they had hidden the NNDX-1335.
Lambert: get out of there! Next time I'm putting you up for psych evaluation.

halo_99
05-25-2004, 12:01 PM
haha!!good jokes!!http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

http://gallery.cybertarp.com/albums/userpics/16527/test%7E3.gif
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"Sam doesn't care about international treaties, he just does what he needs to do, it could be good things, it could be really bad things, he does it for his goverment, not for himself..."

Cobra14744
05-25-2004, 12:02 PM
Ok get ready for this one.


"Snake handler"


A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."


http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

S7N Reborn
05-25-2004, 12:45 PM
"learn who my true friends are."

i dont get it http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

i should do, but i just dont http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~sangvle/S7NMorph.gif

Terrax213
05-25-2004, 12:47 PM
It's about him getting bitten on the butt by a rattler, and would have to have someone else extract the poison ... so only his 'true' friends would go to that extreme .. I've heard a slightly different version to this joke, which involved a bite in the front region http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif .. and you can guess where the punchline led to in it.

http://img54.photobucket.com/albums/v165/Terrax213/aic.jpg
"The words you said, they will always be a part of me." - Aaron Lewis of Staind
In memory of Layne Staley 1967-2002

Cobra14744
05-25-2004, 12:48 PM
lol, remember what he does when he get's bit.
He is going to have to get someone to do it for him. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Cobra14744
05-25-2004, 12:49 PM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/1072.gif
I was too late.

Cobra14744
05-25-2004, 12:55 PM
this one is better.

"Trouble At The Zoo"

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.

They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/34.gifThe third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

.ZeR0.
05-25-2004, 02:57 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cobra14744:
Ok get ready for this one.


"_Snake handler_"


A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."


http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I live in south florida and we dont have rattle snakes http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif .... the one with the peanuts is good, and the first one is pretty funny

S7N Reborn
05-25-2004, 03:22 PM
ah, yeah i;v heard that one before but it was of "the other variation of bite" that is spoken of

otherwise i would have gotten it

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~sangvle/S7NMorph.gif

XyZspineZyX
05-26-2004, 09:01 AM
lol! THE SNAKE ONE WAS FUNNY! because his 'friend' would have to S*** his A$$! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

http://cheapasscomix.9f.com/cgi-bin/image/templates/figure_10.jpg
What? You still wanna mess with ME?

S7N Reborn
05-26-2004, 07:32 PM
two men walk into a bar

one says "ouch"

how funny is that? http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~sangvle/S7NMorph.gif

Tsu-kohai
05-26-2004, 07:58 PM
okay, a leprechuan walks into a bar and sits next to a guy, the leprechuan says to the guy: "I'm feeling lucky today because if you dance around the bar wearing a dress, i'll give you three wishes

so the guys accepts his offer and asks for three things: a 50 room house, a woman for every room, and 50 billion dollars

the leprechuan says done for each and the guy dances around the room in a dress, when he returns, the leprechuan asks him: how old are you?
the guy answers: 30
and the leprechuan says: and you still believe in leprechuans http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/88.gif

-------------------------
http://img56.photobucket.com/albums/v172/Tsuchiiiyaaan/asdf.jpg

S7N Reborn
05-26-2004, 08:00 PM
Tsu-kohai, no offence but that was RUBBISH!!

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~sangvle/S7NMorph.gif

XyZspineZyX
05-26-2004, 09:20 PM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

XBL Gamertag: RoaringMad Mac & BeSa
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"When you know the enemy and know yourself, there can be no fear

XyZspineZyX
05-27-2004, 09:54 AM
HA! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/88.gif Great one!!

http://cheapasscomix.9f.com/cgi-bin/image/templates/Boysroom.jpg

Terrax213
05-27-2004, 09:57 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by S7N Reborn:
two men walk into a bar

one says "ouch"

how funny is that? http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~sangvle/S7NMorph.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That rocks, S7N http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif lol

http://img54.photobucket.com/albums/v165/Terrax213/aic.jpg
"The words you said, they will always be a part of me." - Aaron Lewis of Staind
In memory of Layne Staley 1967-2002