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Emmex
01-22-2004, 01:51 PM
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says "Dam!"..

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts roasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.

*GROAN*

Emmex
01-22-2004, 01:51 PM
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says "Dam!"..

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts roasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.

*GROAN*

Jojo9999
01-22-2004, 02:04 PM
Hi Ya Wiz....did yous seee that I have been able to keep me Avatar that you created in my sig? Much Gracias and all of that http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Green Winds
http://www.wannabebigforums.com/images/smilies/indian.gif


BTW.........Have a Carrot.

When The Ax Walked Into The Forest The Trees Said "Look, The Handle Is One Of Us"...Alice Walker

"Old Age Is No Place For Sissies"...Betty Davis (who else)?

Jojo9999
01-22-2004, 02:09 PM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif...just read them MX...http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif Thank you once again.

Green Winds
http://www.wannabebigforums.com/images/smilies/indian.gif


BTW.........Have a Carrot.

When The Ax Walked Into The Forest The Trees Said "Look, The Handle Is One Of Us"...Alice Walker

"Old Age Is No Place For Sissies"...Betty Davis (who else)?

PrincessXenobia
01-22-2004, 02:10 PM
I love #4!

_____________________
You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building...

CK9
01-22-2004, 02:11 PM
LOL, I thoughtthey were funney.

Jojo, what happened to Kieth and Kory?

B'tsahv tsavahn, b'khen shoo f'mehros.
http://www.xfir.net/ck9/images/other/signature/sig.jpg

XyZspineZyX
01-22-2004, 04:19 PM
No Sugarplum, it's GROAN

Emmex = http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/crazy.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

Speedyserd
01-22-2004, 04:22 PM
I really like 9. I had to read the last part out loud and sure enough, it sounds like that Mary Poppins word.
10 was definately a GROAN.

"Don't look before you leap. It'll ruin the surprise"

http://perso.wanadoo.fr/atil/forum/saute3.gif

CK9
01-22-2004, 04:34 PM
It took me a few minutes to get # 10

B'tsahv tsavahn, b'khen shoo f'mehros.
http://www.xfir.net/ck9/images/other/signature/sig.jpg

Speedyserd
01-22-2004, 05:16 PM
Sometimes saying it out loud helps. It did for me anyways.

"Don't look before you leap. It'll ruin the surprise"

http://perso.wanadoo.fr/atil/forum/saute3.gif

Furious_Gopher
01-22-2004, 05:29 PM
I got to about #4 or #5 before I decided I'm wasting precious minutres of my life http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

http://xiiiunlimited.250free.com/gophersig.png
http://www.desiredfx.net/sigs/files/furiousgopher.jpg

anyguy
01-22-2004, 06:10 PM
super cauliflower 'licious eggs were quite atrocious

-mary poppins criticizing food http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

Make sure you have your plumbing checked. If I had been drinking out of the toilet, I might have been killed. -Ace Ventura

rwwllms
01-22-2004, 06:17 PM
A blonde starts her first day of work at a Tickle Me Elmo plant. Within a half hour she has the production line so backed up that there are Elmos piling up on the floor. The foreman goes running down the line to where she is working and watches her for a few minutes. The blonde has a bag of marbles and a stack of little cloth swatches. As the foreman watches, she takes two marbles, wraps them in a swatch of cloth and sews it onto Elmo between his legs. The foreman bursts out laughing and after getting his laughter under control approaches the blonde and says "I sorry, you didn't correctly undersatnd me when I gave you your work assignment. You're supposed to give each Elmo two test tickles."

gaberax
01-22-2004, 07:07 PM
Emmex, would you believe that my Department head passed that same list of puns out before our department meeting 2 days ago?

They weren't funny then either. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif



http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Grrr...

CK9
01-22-2004, 09:42 PM
I think that it would be only appropriate to post the ones CF collected over the years he posted a lot here:

Actual Quotes Taken From Employee Performance Evaluations

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

11. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

12. A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime!

15. He's been working with glue too much.

16. He'd argue with a signpost.

17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

18. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

19. If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

20. A photographic memory but with the lens cap glued on.

21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

24. He's got 2 brains, one is lost and the other one is out looking for it.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, he will give you change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. One neuron short of a synapse.

29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

30. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.



A few statements to ponder...George Carlin quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice??

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

30. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown
too?

32. If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be
hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have an S in it?

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"asteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?

38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged
during a plane crash, why isn't the whole {beep} airplane made out of that stuff?

40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?



These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
And on the subject of travel, here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers...after attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks...

(P - The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S - The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement...
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre...

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough...
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft...

P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid...
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage...

P - Something loose in cockpit...
S - Something tightened in cockpit...

P - Dead bugs on windshield...
S - Live bugs on backorder...

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent...
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground...

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear...
S - Evidence removed...

P - DME volume unbelievably loud...
S - Volume set to more believable level...

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick...
S - That's what they are there for!

P - IFF inoperative...
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode...

P - Suspected crack in windscreen...
S - Suspect you're right...

P - Number 3 engine missing...
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search...

P - Aircraft handles funny...
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

P - Target radar hums...
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words...

P - Mouse in cockpit...
S - Cat installed



[The Mental Health Hotline]

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
EVER WONDER:


> ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
> ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> ...why you don't ever see the headline
> "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
> ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
>
> ...why doctors call what they do, "practice"?
>
> ...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
>
> ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing
liquid
> is made with real lemons?
>
> ...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
>
> ...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
>
> ...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
>
> ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
>
> ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
> ...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
> indestructible black box ?
>
> ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
>
> ...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
> ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
>
> ...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?



and some more fun stuff...

Some good e-mail and forum signatures...
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

8. My Reality Check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

11. You're slower than a herd of tortoises stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cos you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.



more.........



Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly

Quitters never win, winners never quit. Those who never win and never quit are idiots.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

Remember the 3 golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.



food for thought....

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
> trip around the sun every year.
>
> Birthdays are good for you; the more you have,
> the longer you live.
>
> How long a minute is... depends on what side of the
> bathroom door you're on.
>
> Ever notice that the people who are late are often much
> jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
>
> If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
>
> If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
>
> You may be only one person in the world,
> but you may also be the world to one person.
>
> Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
>
> Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

New Years Resolutions For Internet Junkies

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail
addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone
call every now and then would be appreciated.

I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with
which I answer my e-mail.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be
on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well,
once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least
once a year.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This,
of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock
watcher.

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning...
4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas
already had time to answer me by then.

When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve
to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line
work done, too!



ACTUAL SCHOOL EXCUSE NOTES:

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.



These are metaphors from actual GCSE essays (and, no, I don't know what GCSE is )

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Jeopardy.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

1 She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night.
2 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3 On second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4 The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.
5 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6 Discharge Status: Alive but without my permission
7 Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8 The patient refused autopsy
9 The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10 The patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.



Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that ?"

"It was Bob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me ?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and revealing a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand; however, he was unable to remove his eyes from her
leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might
miss a great opportunity!



Corporate Lesson 3

A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first !" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Hidden Message...

Here's the letter from the son in college to his Dad:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need,
$o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I
would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

----------------------

And here is Dad's reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh
to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the
pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study
eNOugh.

Love, Dad



A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how
long is a million years to you?"

God answered: "A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God
replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God says: "In a
minute."


these were actual excerpts from classified
sections of city newspapers.


Illiterate? Write today for free help.


Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.


Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.


Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be
willing to travel.


Stock up and save. Limit: one.


Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale


3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.


Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.


Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.


Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00


For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.


Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get
an extra pair to take home, too.


We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.


For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.


Great Dames for sale.


Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition.



1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.



Actual Car Accident Statements
The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on the particulars of the accident in their own words.

Here are some examples .......

Woman Driver: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
Man Driver: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
Woman Driver: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Man Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Woman Driver: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush and just his rear end showing.
Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
Woman Driver: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.
Woman Driver: I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.
Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.
Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
Man Driver: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the otherside of the roadway when I struck him.
Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
Man Driver: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.


Snappy Answers:

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat she said, "Sir I need to see your ticket, not your
stub."


Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked
a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No
ma'am, they're dead."


Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as
fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he
sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes
up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge
is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out
of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips
and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering
this bridge and ran out of gas."

and finally


#5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-""" guy in the
back of
the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I
said I
was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class
does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes
her
head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with
your other hand."

B'tsahv tsavahn, b'khen shoo f'mehros.
http://www.xfir.net/ck9/images/other/signature/sig.jpg

XyZspineZyX
01-22-2004, 10:26 PM
Trying to top your record for the longest post CK? http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/blink.gif But all of those jokes have landed in my mailbox at least 100 times by now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

CK9
01-22-2004, 10:28 PM
That is long! I couldn't stop laughing for about an hour and i have ead those before.

B'tsahv tsavahn, b'khen shoo f'mehros.
http://www.xfir.net/ck9/images/other/signature/sig.jpg

mystmum
01-23-2004, 01:36 AM
That's it. You win.

CK9 - the longest post of 2004 award (yes I know it's only January)

__________________________________________________ _________
Stop laughing, this is serious.

kreeden
01-23-2004, 05:44 AM
2003 ? Are they getting worst with age ?


Have faith MM . I'm sure that CK can top that . http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Canada , the country with three "eh"s .
http://smilies.jeeptalk.org/ups/budaz/canadaf.gif

Speedyserd
01-23-2004, 08:20 AM
Can I finally stop scrolling yet... oh look! I see et's icon... there is a god! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Sorry CK but it was too much to see at one time, particularly if some of the statements were repeats.

As for this one:
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
I can put on mascara with my mouth closed. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

"Don't look before you leap. It'll ruin the surprise"

http://perso.wanadoo.fr/atil/forum/saute3.gif

PrincessXenobia
01-23-2004, 08:24 AM
It's lipstick. We can't put on lipstick with our mouths closed. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

_____________________
You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building...

XyZspineZyX
01-23-2004, 12:46 PM
I can't put om mascara with my eyes closed, does that count? http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/mockface.gif Of course, I haven't put on mascara since...let's just say I wouldn't dare use the tube in the house! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

Jojo9999
01-23-2004, 12:57 PM
CK: You OD'ed us! but I have to take issue with you on one statement:

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

WE of the Vegatabel Kingdom find this very offensive. WE are not dumb and have been around far longer then Humans and will remain after the last beer is dranked..so go water youselves with your toxins. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

Hey! this is a direct quote from Mother herself...as in Nature...and you don't wanna mess where her! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Green Winds
http://www.wannabebigforums.com/images/smilies/indian.gif


BTW.........Have a Carrot.

When The Ax Walked Into The Forest The Trees Said "Look, The Handle Is One Of Us"...Alice Walker

"Old Age Is No Place For Sissies"...Betty Davis (who else)?

CK9
01-23-2004, 01:47 PM
Hey, I only transfered them from CF's forum, and he got them all from here! Don't blame the dragon fro repeating what has been said! as for the length, I really did not realise it was that long.

B'tsahv tsavahn, b'khen shoo f'mehros.
http://www.xfir.net/ck9/images/other/signature/sig.jpg

XyZspineZyX
01-23-2004, 03:10 PM
Knowing CF, he probably posted them here ages ago and then moved them to his site before the big delete.

And they still always start in jokes circulating from e-mails that someone found at a "joke of the day" post that has been circling the Net for years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

CK9
01-23-2004, 05:40 PM
they were posted way before the move was even discussed

B'tsahv tsavahn, b'khen shoo f'mehros.
http://www.xfir.net/ck9/images/other/signature/sig.jpg

cfischer83
01-25-2004, 12:51 AM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CK9:
I think that it would be only appropriate to post the ones CF collected over the years he posted a lot here:

Actual Quotes Taken From Employee Performance Evaluations

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

11. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

12. A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime!

15. He's been working with glue too much.

16. He'd argue with a signpost.

17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

18. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

19. If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

20. A photographic memory but with the lens cap glued on.

21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

24. He's got 2 brains, one is lost and the other one is out looking for it.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, he will give you change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. One neuron short of a synapse.

29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

30. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.



......... etc etc etc <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


HEY! Those are mine hehe, although you mentioned it already and everyone's read them before I thought I'd remind everyone http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

http://forums.ubi.com/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif
Myst5.com (http://www.myst5.com)

My art site (http://www.myst5.com/arthead)

Graham Emmanuel (http://www.grahamemmanuel.org)

TraurigRitter
01-25-2004, 03:34 AM
Here are some I know! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

1.What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Wheres my tractor?"

2.Why did the farmer cross the road?
"To look for his tractor."

3.What do apples and carrots have in common?
"They both can't drive tractors!"

http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

(yay, just noticed the new old smilies!) http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

Homer6
01-25-2004, 10:47 AM
Women closing their mouths...hmmm...there's an opening there if ever I saw one. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

************************************************** **
Remember the important things.....as you turn on your computer. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

rwwllms
01-25-2004, 11:00 AM
Well they do say that even the impossible is possible.

CK9
01-25-2004, 11:48 AM
don't forget "When you remove the impossible, whatever's left, no matter how improbable, must be true." Who said that origonaly?

B'tsahv tsavahn, b'khen shoo f'mehros.
http://www.xfir.net/ck9/images/other/signature/sig.jpg