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View Full Version : HAAHAHAHA errrr I mean here is a joke

skylark2025
02-11-2004, 10:06 AM
Us Canadians, we are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb
people in the South are........

We challenge any so-called smart-*** Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470
per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's
land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is
the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

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Now befor anyone gets there panties in a bunch I am just poking a little fun and half of my family resembles these remarks. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif Oh http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the world you may be but one person but to one you may be the world.

I am going to keep some smilies here http://forums.ubi.com/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-wink.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-happy.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

skylark2025
02-11-2004, 10:06 AM
Us Canadians, we are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb
people in the South are........

We challenge any so-called smart-*** Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470
per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's
land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is
the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

````````````````````````````````````````````````
Now befor anyone gets there panties in a bunch I am just poking a little fun and half of my family resembles these remarks. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif Oh http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the world you may be but one person but to one you may be the world.

I am going to keep some smilies here http://forums.ubi.com/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-wink.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-happy.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

kreeden
02-11-2004, 10:38 AM
Aaah , poor hound dogs . http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Hey , is that all we have to do to stop C&W ? Build more interstates ? Ok , where do I paid taxes ? http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

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I would rather soar with the eagles then bicker with harpies
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" And you will remember what it is to know the warmth of an animal's heart."
from an old tale told by an old people

skylark2025
02-11-2004, 10:50 AM
I knew you would like that part of it http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the world you may be but one person but to one you may be the world.

I am going to keep some smilies here http://forums.ubi.com/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-wink.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-happy.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

kreeden
02-11-2004, 10:54 AM
lol http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

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I would rather soar with the eagles then bicker with harpies
``````````````````````````````
" And you will remember what it is to know the warmth of an animal's heart."
from an old tale told by an old people

mystmum
02-11-2004, 10:01 PM
sad thing is, I know places in Australia that would apply to as well.

__________________________________________________ _________
Stop laughing, this is serious.

Homer6
02-11-2004, 10:18 PM
The real question for #9 should be who had what for breakfast. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

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Remember the important things.....as you turn on your computer. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

rwwllms
02-12-2004, 08:04 AM
The really sad thing is that I know the answers to all of them. ANd I didn't have to think on 'em either. They're like common knowledge down here. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

skylark2025
02-12-2004, 12:31 PM
Ron this was to make you laugh http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-sad.gif I am now on a mission to fing something to make you feel a little better http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the world you may be but one person but to one you may be the world.

I am going to keep some smilies here http://forums.ubi.com/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-wink.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-happy.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

skylark2025
02-12-2004, 12:44 PM
One day a wife decides she would like a breast enhancement.
She goes to her husband and says "Honey, I've decided that I
am going to get implants!"

The husband replies, "Now, before you go and pay all that
money, I think I may have a less painful and much cheaper
route."

"Really? I'm game! What is it?"

"What you must do, religiously, is every morning when you wake
up you need to get a tissue and rub it between your breasts."

Not sure what to think and desperate to have larger tits, she
thinks "What the hell? I will give almost anything a try at
this point. He might really have a solution to my 'little'
problems."

As soon as she wakes the next morning, she rushes to the
bathroom to do as her husband had suggested. Each day after,
for the following two weeks she makes sure this is the very
first thing she does.

By this time she realizes this isn't working. She then goes
to the husband and says, "You know, I've been trying what you'd
said and it's been two weeks now. Nothing has happened!"

He then replies, "That's funny. I could have sworn that it
would've worked by now. It worked on your ***!"
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A laugh?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the world you may be but one person but to one you may be the world.

I am going to keep some smilies here http://forums.ubi.com/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-wink.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-happy.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

PrincessXenobia
02-12-2004, 03:10 PM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif @ both of those, Sky! Quite excellent!

_____________________
In a place where there are no men, it is your duty to be a man.

Elspet
02-12-2004, 07:02 PM
Shucks, y'all. It ain't that hard. I'm from north of the Mason-Dixon line myself, but even I can tell you that:

1. It depends on the time of year and how heavily laden with persimmons the branch in question is. Generally speaking, if it will support the average house cat, it will support a possum. Iffen you're a good enough shot, it don't matter how big the branch is. Don't forget to shoot down a few persimmons to go with the possum stew while you're there!

2. The condition of the paint is a much more variable factor and has a significantly greater effect on the rate of deterioration of automobiles. Given identical paint jobs and identical bumps and bruises -- which is near to impossible, you'll admit -- the '65 Ford does not hold up well on blocks.

3. Trick question! The real puzzler is, how do you maintain and run a still of this size (very large) without being detected by the law?

4. 12

5. 2%

6. One, on account of there's always one old hound dog that don't move fast enough when the boards start creakin'.

7. No. He needs at least another half-acre. His best move would be to place one or more of the trailers partly on an adjoining property and if detected, (1) stall and if that doesn't work, (2) blame the youngun whose trailer is involved.

8. 20%, much higher than most people think. Many vehicles in this area have mufflers which no longer funcion as mufflers, but are still able to detach and serve as traffic hazards.

9. Less than one. Camels ain't all that popular, and if you smoke 'em without filters, likely you roll your own.

10. Depends. Any country western singer, or the first commercially succesful country western singer?

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KI#01011546/0 on Manuel
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skylark2025
02-13-2004, 01:12 AM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif Funny http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif Just teasing http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Hey your not one of the reasons MM was booted are you? http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the world you may be but one person but to one you may be the world.

I am going to keep some smilies here http://forums.ubi.com/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-wink.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-happy.gif http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/601004/16x16_smiley-sad.gif