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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:14 AM
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."



/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif



(I was kidding about has to be)

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:14 AM
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."



/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif



(I was kidding about has to be)

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:17 AM
it doesn't click/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:19 AM
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years.

In an effort to determine the circumstances during the last 15 seconds before a fatal accidents, "black boxes" were installed in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks.

The auto makers were surprised to find that in 49 of the 50 states, the last words spoken of 61.2 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Oh, crap!"

Only the state of Georgia was different, where the last words spoken of 89.3 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:20 AM
Kind of like this bumper sticker "Canada: Where the men are men and the sheep are nervous." /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif



"A person should not choose the form in which he wishes to perform the service of the Lord, but he should perform it in any manner the opportunity affords. He should be like a vessel into which anything may be poured - wine, milk, or water."

XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:27 AM
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first redneck went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a Weedeater?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then, I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. "That's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard... I can't wait to take this here logic class."

The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked.

"Math, history, and logic," replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"?

"No," his friend replied.

"You're *****, ain't ya?"



ps. Sheep are nervous in Scotland. Tell the joke right. /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:30 AM
MDS_Geist wrote:
- Kind of like this bumper sticker "Canada: Where the
- men are men and the [beavers] are nervous."



Another bumper sticker: "Baaah means no."

XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:31 AM
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some *** has got my pen."

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:33 AM
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:34 AM
A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:40 AM
A guy goes to the doctor with stomach cramps. The doctor takes blood tests, urine samples, x-rays and concludes that the guy has intestinal worms.


The doctor gives the man a choice: pills that will take 6 months to rid the intestine of the worm, or an alternative treatment that will work in 4 weeks. The man picks the four week option.

The doctor decides to start right away and walks the man into an empty room with a table in the middle. On the table are three eggs and a blueberry muffin. The doctor tells the man to swallow the three eggs, then eat the blueberry muffin. He does this.


The man comes back for the next 2 weeks and has to do the same thing, it is incredibly difficult.

On the 4th week, the man comes back and instead of a blueberry muffin, there is a hammer on the table. The man, fearing what will come next, swallows the three eggs, and is about to ask the doctor what is going to happen next, when the worm pokes it's head of of the man's [ear] and says:


"HEY, WHERE'S MY BLUEBERRY MUFFIN?!?!"


WHAM!!!!

XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:44 AM
- ps. Sheep are nervous in Scotland. Tell the joke
- right.


I always thought it was Wales...

XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 04:45 AM
Wait a minute, whales aren't nervous in Scotland, what was I thinking? /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 05:01 AM
step



away



from



the



keyboard.



/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 05:02 AM
Excuse me but are you speaking in my direction?

XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 05:38 AM
Cowanchicken wrote:
- Excuse me but are you speaking in my direction?


He is not speaking, he is typing. And even if he says what he is about to type, as he types it, it is very unlikely that he is pointing in your direction, as even a slightest error will make the speech vector miss the target by a large distance.

XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 05:42 AM
Cowanchicken wrote:
- Please try to keep up.

XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 06:03 AM
Very good point there FLY. /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif What was he thinking? /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 02:33 PM
We know you were just helping that poor sheep over the fence, Scrubbie. It was innocent! No, really!

/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif



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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 03:15 PM
Geez, if your gonna accuse me of "helping" an animal over the fence, get it right will ya. We have COWS up here. /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif



And its not my fault bessie keeps getting out of the feild


/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

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XyZspineZyX
10-23-2003, 08:51 PM
ScrubberManFSJ wrote:
Only the state of Georgia was different, where the last words spoken of 89.3 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"


no thats more like Alabama./i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

Georgia is more like
"hold my beer and oh shooot i dun it again"


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Picture form the 33rd ICH Flat water Canoe/kayak world championships./i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif
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i just need $2400/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

Message Edited on 10/23/0303:53PM by rossd387

XyZspineZyX
10-24-2003, 05:58 AM
Demon_Mustang wrote:
- Very good point there FLY. What was he thinking?


Incompetence will not be tolerated.



<font size=0.1>Don't bother searching, it's spelled correctly</font>

XyZspineZyX
10-24-2003, 06:40 AM
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_543331.html?menu=news.latestheadlines

Judge 'sceptical' over possible help for goat sex man

A judge says he is "sceptical" that there is any sex offenders' programme that could help a man who had sex with a goat.

Stephen Hall, 23, of Hull, was seen masturbating and having sex with a goat by a man out walking with his grandson, Hull Crown Court was told.

The court heard that the HIV-positive Hall had tied his belt around the female goat's neck during the incident at Argyle Street allotments on August 8 last year.

After initially denying the charge and ordering an identification parade, Hall pleaded guilty to one count of buggery with an animal in January. He will be sentenced on March 15.

Rebecca Thornton, prosecuting said: "He was holding on to the belt that was around the goat's neck with one hand and masturbating with the other."

The witness indicated his presence to Hall, who did not stop, but moved behind some nearby tin sheets. He then emerged with his trousers around his ankles.

Ms Thornton said: "He was crouching in a concealed position, clearly having penetrative sexual intercourse with the goat. The defendant was engaged in the activity with the goat for some 10 minutes."

She added that the nanny goat was said to have suffered some distress during its ordeal. Forensic tests matched semen taken from Hall's clothing to that found at the scene. Samples of the goat's hairs were also found in Hall's underwear.

Chris Dunn, mitigating for Hall, said that it was a spontaneous act that was carried out while he was on his way home from his sister's house. He added that he hoped the judge would consider a community service sentence and counselling. He added his client would probably be required to attend a sex offenders' programme.

Judge Michael Mettyear said: "I have got to tell you that I'm very sceptical that there is any programme that has been devised at the moment, that will help him."

XyZspineZyX
10-24-2003, 06:47 AM
hummm interesting.


A man having sex with a.... Goat.

someone needs help/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/294941/demonblue.jpg

XyZspineZyX
10-24-2003, 03:23 PM
Tacamo wrote:
- She added that the nanny goat was said to have
- suffered some distress during its ordeal.



She needed "bigger".



/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
10-24-2003, 04:38 PM
Spontaneous? Good god, his standard must be pretty damn low.

XyZspineZyX
10-24-2003, 08:05 PM
with names like that, it's american


Im sad to say I'd rather be in canada austrailia or britain (They seem as cool if not cooler than America, canada has too many hockey fans and britian has 'football' fans and austrailia... not sure)

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If i had a nickel for every ho, ghetto wanna be, goth, enviro-**** and crackhead in my school I'd have 17.695 billion dollars. Including the price paid on every bag of drugs they sell. May God help us all... (half a cent would go to Taxes, or maybe Texas)

XyZspineZyX
10-24-2003, 08:20 PM
Australia has the land down under and "barbes"
/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

http://www3.telus.net/robert/sig4.jpg

Picture form the 33rd ICH Flat water Canoe/kayak world championships./i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif
___________________________________
http://www.pogies.com/nelokayaksusa/wwwhtml/contents/compt_int_c1.htm
My dream canoe/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif (link above)
i just need $2400/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

XyZspineZyX
10-24-2003, 08:24 PM
i have family there, my moms cousin or something. Only thing i actually like about america is the frequency of barbeques and meat.

http://www.x-plane.org/users/12thiaptbone/alpha.jpg
The Roosters, http://318th.2ya.com

"Keep taking the pills...fruitcake."-dogpig

If i had a nickel for every ho, ghetto wanna be, goth, enviro-**** and crackhead in my school I'd have 17.695 billion dollars. Including the price paid on every bag of drugs they sell. May God help us all... (half a cent would go to Taxes, or maybe Texas)

XyZspineZyX
10-25-2003, 12:32 AM
Scrubs, get your facts straight. First of all, as to the original post of the thread, that's a Scot, not an American. Why do you think they wear kilts? Sheep can hear zippers. Second, that's a totally incorrect/false NTSB report. Here's the REAL one:

NTSB Divulges Secret "Black Boxes"
WNS.News.com - The National Transportation Safety Board divulged a highly secret plan it funded the past five years with an unnamed U.S. automaker. They installed "black boxes," smaller versions of aircraft "black boxes," in 75,000 of the automaker's four-wheel-drive pickup trucks and sport utility vehicles. The black boxes were installed in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the status of the vehicle and the circumstances in the passenger compartment during the last few seconds before the crash. In 48 of the 50 states, the last words of drivers in 61.2% of all fatal crashes were, "Oh, [expletive]!"

However, in Alabama and Mississippi, 89.3% of the drivers' final words were, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Below, we've listed other often-used last words uttered by now-deceased drivers from all 50 states:

"[Expletive]! I dropped my cigarette!" 11.7%
"Somebody pass me another beer." 10.4%
"Shut those kids up!" 8.1%
"I've got plenty of room to pass." 6.9%
"Damn, these makeup lights never work." 5.3%
"Hey, babe, watch your teeth!" 5.1%

NTSB officials decline to name the automaker and vehicle models because the study is ongoing.

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XyZspineZyX
10-25-2003, 04:53 AM
it was a joke.



i found it on the net.



i pasted it here.



read it, laugh, move on with your life.



i did.



/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

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XyZspineZyX
10-26-2003, 12:51 AM
i think u made it up/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif



and im not moving on to my life./i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif


its bothering me now that i can drive.



i got to make sure i say the right thing/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif



/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

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Picture form the 33rd ICH Flat water Canoe/kayak world championships./i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif
___________________________________
http://www.pogies.com/nelokayaksusa/wwwhtml/contents/compt_int_c1.htm
My dream canoe/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif (link above)
i just need $2400/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-sad.gif

XyZspineZyX
10-26-2003, 12:54 AM
On a liscense plate i saw in canada

If @$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport

http://www.x-plane.org/users/12thiaptbone/alpha.jpg
The Roosters, http://318th.2ya.com ( <A HREF=)" target=_blank>http://318th.2ya.com</a>

"Keep taking the pills...fruitcake."-dogpig

If i had a nickel for every ho, ghetto wanna be, goth, enviro-**** and crackhead in my school I'd have 17.695 billion dollars. Including the price paid on every bag of drugs they sell. May God help us all... (half a cent would go to Taxes, or maybe Texas)

http://www.x-plane.org/users/12thiaptbone/alpha.jpg
The Roosters, http://318th.2ya.com

"Keep taking the pills...fruitcake."-dogpig

If i had a nickel for every ho, ghetto wanna be, goth, enviro-**** and crackhead in my school I'd have 17.695 billion dollars. Including the price paid on every bag of drugs they sell. May God help us all... (half a cent would go to Taxes, or maybe Texas)